Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Therein lies the rub

*cough* I seem to have found a drawback to living alone.

You're often alone when you don't want to be. And playing Coldplay on rotation does not help either.

The thing is, I do love being alone. I think I make excellent company. But I've been alone for the last three days, sitting by myself in my apartment. Yes, I've waxed (and waned) and used my time wisely. But like houseguests who start to smell like rotting fish after a few days (I think that's how the saying goes) I think my own company is starting to stink.

It doesn't help that my boyfriend and I live 30 minutes apart, so it's not like I can just drop by his place anyway. There is no room for spontaneity. We have to schedule our time together. We have to make 'dates' with each other. And the thing is, I'm the one who is always free. Isn't that sad? What happened to my busy life (or was that called University?). Yesterday I made plans with a friend, and then she bailed. Then she came out to see me tonight, but only for a quick bite and not for the episode of Lost like I had thought. And then my other friend couldn't make it over for Lost either. Boo.

So, I watched Lost alone (and which I will post about tomorrow...hoo boy, was that a doozy). Which I hate to do, because this is the type of show you need to watch with people (see above, re: a doozy).

Which makes me think: I need a hobby. Why is everyone else in my life busy except for me? Do I need to take on more responsibilities (please, GOD, say no)? Am I only feeling sad and lonely because I am in a relationship and therefore am sad and alone when I don't see my guy (keep in mind I don't see him often anyway)? And if so, when the hell did I become so pathetic? How come when I was single (THREE whole years), I was happy as a clam to hole up in my apartment and do whatever the hell I wanted, for weeks at a time. And now, if I go without seeing my boyfriend, or hanging out with people for more than four days (is four days a long time?), I get all weepy and self-loathing and weak?

Seems like a good time to delve into a bottle of wine, but I can't even do that because of my self-imposed no-drinking policy (2 1/2 weeks and counting without a drop).

*sigh* I don't want to be this weepy, pathetic shit. Bring back the Independent Woman.


Anonymous said...

there are drawbacks to everything in life. living alone has them and so does living with someone! the worst thing is to be living with someone and still feel lonely as heck!
you sound - from what i read -like you have a lot of things to think about. so maybe it is a good thing that you have had time to yoself. take the chance to figure out what YOU want for yoself. find out how you are, what it all means for YOU. is ok to be selfish once inawhile.
O, and you want pathetic? I miss my husband when he is gone to get the mail! but to be fair; our house is on a rural route.

arbyn said...

First, you're right. You do need a hobby. I suggest knitting toques. Because then you can laugh when you give them to people and they're all awkward because they hate it but don't want to tell you.

Second, forget about a bottle of wine. Buy the box! Buy the box!

Third, write pen pal letters to me. Sheesh. You have all this time and I haven't seen anything!

Anonymous said...

You don't need a hobby just cause everyone gets lonely once in awhile...Its only human nature.:) tho who wouldnt want a toque (what the hell is a touqe?) and knitting can be fun.
But goodness, you have to wait a few days before you miss youre boyfriend????? Now I feel pathetic!

Rachel said...

Isn't a toque a mini beret ala Where's Waldo?
I get lonely sometimes when it seems that everyone else has plans and I don't.
I don't mind doing things on my own so I don't sit at home feeling sorry for myself if there is something else that I can do.
I even hit the cinema alone sometimes.

alice ace said...

Are you saying that "independent women" don't get lonely sometimes.
Im about as independent as they come: Ive worked since I was 18, make good money, buy my own diamond rings if i wish, have my own place and a two yearold daughter which I chose to raise without any input from the dad. I dont believe in long term relationships because they get in the way of the things I like (travel, choices et all) and they fuck you up in this topsy turvy day and age. Instead I have a few respectable, nice men to have fun with.
But does this mean I don't get lonely somtimes? No it doesn't. As anonymous said, it's human nature.
So don't worry bout it, k?

Wombat & Aspen said...

I'm trying to figure out how I can use the word "toque" in a conversation.

Such a cool word. Maybe I'll have to take up knitting toques, complete one, and wear it out socially.

Then I can say:

Excuse me, would you like a toque?

dan said...

I find it hard to believe that you have been sitting alone...and waxed...for the last few days.

Seems like there are some men out there who would love to keep u company ;)

Shrimp on the Barbie said...

Not to be a total downer here or anything, but it IS kind of pathetic to sit at home and pine for your man when HE is obviously doing his own thing and out havin fun (u dont wanna know what kinda fun, either!). Yah, good in da 1950's when women were meant to wish they were with their man all the time. But cum on, its 2006!

Get yourself out there! Go check out what life has to offer (ya know hes doin the same). And maybe, yes, you feel this way cuz you do spend time with him, too much? how about cutting down your time as a "couple" and start making other plans. the less time you spend with him, the less youll mind if hes not around. TRUST ME!

amanda jane said...

doesn't waxing last a few weeks? ..... so he hasn't been around in a couple days.. you'll see him soon enough!! You have a couple weeks before you start again!!

You can take up a hobbie if you want to... but then we'd never have the pleasure of reading an updated blog!!

.... I want a toque!

Wanderlusting said...

Anon ~ yes, I can imagine there is nothing lonelier than have someone you love next to you yet never having felt so alone. As for figuring out what I want, I doubt I ever will.

Arbyn ~ As you know, I will be a toque-maker from now on, with my box wine and circling foot.

Anon ~ a toque is a Canadian word or slang for a beanie, which is another word for a knit cap...but not a beret. Unless you live in Quebec.

Rachel ~ I've been to the cinema alone too. Usually when I'm in another country, but I've hit a few matinees in my city before. Actually, a theatre in town is playing my FAV movie Roman Holiday on the big screen, so I might go to that alone (im the only one who likes classics...and greg peck)

Alice Ace ~ thanks, you got the point I was trying to make. And it's nice for you to verify it.

Wombat ~ Yes, I would like a toque

Dan ~ I might have had a man keep me company, had I not canceled my plans with him to do things with my female friends who then canceled my plans with me.

Barbie ~ It's not that he is out having fun while Im at home. Thats not the point at all. The point is I dont like feeling sad that Im not out having fun. I dont care what the hell he does. The fact is not what was happening, but how I was feeling and how it was stupid for me to be feeling that way.

AJ ~ yeah see, I know I'll see him. I'm not sad because I haven't seen him for awhile, I'm sad because I don't like being the type of person who would get lonely if their loved one is not around. I prefer to have nerves of steel instead. And if you want a toque, Wombat is offering them.

Indiana said...

Wine goes with everything...even loneliness.

There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely...sounds like you were feeling a tad of the latter.