Monday, May 28, 2007

Dos and Donts of this week

I can learn a lot in seven days...

DON'T think you'll never have to learn what the receptionist does because she says she never gets sick and therefore the chances of having to sub for her for the day are nill. Because one day, she will get sick and you will freak the fuck out because you have no idea how to do shipping.

DON'T go on dates with guys thinking that just because you say you got out of a serious relationship they'll know it means you just want to be friends. They don't want to be just friends. They just want to do you - or worse - want an actual relationship. You have only yourself to blame when you freak the fuck out and run for the hills because you can't handle any more complications in your life.

DO trust your instinct. If there is something about a guy that is off-putting and makes you feel uneasy - even if you cant place it - go with it. Chances are there is a reason for your intuition and you don't want to stick around to find out.

DON'T start your night by saying, "hey I haven't been drunk for a long time." You will get very, very drunk.

DON'T get very very drunk when you are still mourning over a past relationship. You will end up walking home alone at 3 AM and crying your eyes out to all the bums and drag queens on Davie St. They will provide very limited comfort.

DO be glad you deleted your ex's number from your phone otherwise you would have drunk dialed him and told him how much you still miss and love him instead of telling the random bums and drag queens.

DO realize how vulnerable you still are and that despite your troubles, you are still you and your morals have not changed. DON'T try to be something that you are not and don't put yourself in situations that expose your vulnerability - protect yourself.

DO accept the fact that your family is your family and there ain't a thing you can do about that. They won't change. Accept it.

DON'T drink and Facebook. No good can come of it.

DO make plans with those people from elementary school that you haven't seen in 20 years but realize that 20 years is a long time and once the novelty wears off, you most likely have nothing in common with these people. You CAN have too many friends sometimes.

DO realize that some people just can't grow plants.

DON'T miss the season finale of LOST. You will kick yourself afterwards, especially when you discover your computer is too slow to download it and you may have to go the whole summer without knowing what happened.

DON'T stop eating in general just becuse you've found it's the quickest way to drop 5 pounds. One day, you will get hungry again.

DO start eating breakfast again. A morning jog followed by not eating till lunch is not healthy.

DON'T wear hair extensions that are in bad condition. You have very lovely, soft hair - you don't need a rat's nest of crap to muddle it up.

DON'T blog about work too much because there is always a small chance that someone you work with could stumble across your blog. Hasn't happened yet but I wouldn't be surprised.

DON'T bitch about your work - and a certain executive - to a fellow blogger while in Starbucks because you never know if that said executive is actually at the counter ordering a drink.

DO pretend you don't see him and steer the conversation elsewhere as quickly as possible. Do breathe a large sigh of relief when you realize that he has only been at the counter for a few minutes and for the last few minutes you have been talking about relationships and NOT work.

DO keep busy and have lots of fun-filled days with tons of different friends. But remember to make time for yourself as well.

DO feel accomplished for giving up coffee, soda and binge drinking for a month - especially at a time that would more than warrant it. Extra kudos for going for jogs at 630 AM.

DON'T start drinking coffee again if you hate it. Caffeine is good if badly needed - otherwise drink things you enjoy. Like Matcha Tea Lattes. Yum.

DO feel a bit nervous at the fact that an 18-year old boy will be living in your one-room apartment with you for a few weeks.

DON'T get drunk around the 18-year old boy.

DO realize that you are still gonna have good days and bad days and when the good days start to outnumber the bad days, you know you are on the right track to healing. Also remember that time is a bitch.

DON'T underestimate the power of forgiveness. It doesn't mean you are weak, it means that you realize how unhealthy it is to hold a grudge. You don't have to forget, but you can forgive.

DON'T ever apologize for being you.

DON'T beat yourself up for telling everyone that you are doing OK - and believing it - only to find yourself crying later. Crying is good. Let it out and move on.

DO be proud of yourself for getting through four weeks of a broken heart. Yes there will be more weeks to come - but you've survived this far.

DO plan on making June - and the following months - the best months ever. Respectfully close the lid on May, accept it for what it was and don't look back.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Karma's a bitch and so am I

I have a confession.

It has come to my attention that I really, REALLY love it when people get their just desserts. You know, when someone is doing something they know is wrong or bad and they don't care - their ignorance is bliss until it comes back to bite them in the ass.

What I love even more is being the person who helps brings a swift kick to their rear-end. It gives me some weird, perverse kind of satisfaction.

Sometimes, if I see someone get busted, I'll give a gleefull giggle. Take the speed demon who darts in and out of lanes in order to make the left-turn signal, only to get stuck in the middle of the intersection and then pulled over by a cop around the corner who saw the whole thing and gives them a big ass ticket. Or the driver who tries to bypass the long line and cut in ahead by using the Buses Only lane, only to get pulled over by a cop who was just waiting for them.

This happens almost everyday on my commute and each time I clap my hands together, give out a girlish squeal and make sure they see my smug "serves you right" look - sometimes I may even give the cop a respectful "thank you for doing your job" nod. Especially if they are cute. I just can't stand cheaters - mainly because I do things the right way and it's not fair if they get away with it when I am sticking to my principles (and usually missing out).

Sometimes though, it's a matter of taking things into my own hands. It's Death Wish all over again.

A few weeks ago, I zipped home in order to quickly get dressed and make my way to Spin Class. As I pulled into my parking lot I noticed a car parked in MY SPOT!

Well that did it. I was LIVID and ready for action. I parked next to it, ran upstairs to get changed and called the towing company.

I pay a lot of money each month to park there, I do not need this incovenience of some fucking moron using MY space when I need it.

So I called Buster's Towing and they said they would send someone out right away - only problem is I would have to be there to sign the car away and I had my workout to attend to. The towing people suggested I leave a note for the person and if they are still there when I get back, to give them a call.

I went back out to my car, planning on driving it to class since I was now in someone else's space illegally, and wrote a scathing note, which pretty much told them that they messed with the wrong person and that if they didn't have the car moved by 730, that I would have it towed with NO EXCEPTIONS.

There was a pitiful little note in their windsheild too - Visiting Someone in #407 - but that only made me angrier. Fuck that person in #407. Do they expect ME to go out of my way and knock on their door, politely tell them that they parked in my spot? Park on the bloody street, not in a reserved spot you ignorant slut.

Anyhoo, the note worked.

Of course, this wasn't the last of my own vigilante justice - a few nights ago, a weeknight, at one am, two blonde, tanned skinny bitches were hanging outside a car in the parking lot with a Kevin Fedderline look alike. They were drinking, being annoying as fuck, giggling like brainless twats and the K-Fed guy kept mooning them.

It's getting warmer now and since I don't have a fan anymore, I have to sleep with the windows open which means their reverberated titters come right into my flat. Even through my earplugs I could hear them yell and flirt and fawn over each other. Who the hell were these fucknuts and why were they disturbing everyone in the neighbourhood? It's a bloody Monday night, people have to work in the morning!

So. I. Called. The. Cops.

This isn't the first time I have called cops on people. I get a sick kind of pleasure out of it. Sure, Friday, Saturday night - be loud, be morons, fuck if I care. But when it comes to disturbing MY sleep on a worknight? No mercy here.

While I waited for the cops to show up, I looked out my darkened window like Mr. Burns, twittering my fingers and muttering "Excellent" and a few "Mwahahahas."

Of course, 2 minutes before the Vancouver PD came around, the threesome decided to take their bimbo gigglefest elsewhere. Then an hour after that, they came back. The cops pretty much came for nothing - but it did make me feel good to know that I could call on them at my disposal.

And then. It just made me feel really old. When did I become Miss No Fun? Or maybe this is just MY Karma for having so many damn, loud parties when I was younger - there was never a party at my place that the cops didn't show up at. Was this my punishment for torturing my old neighbours all those years ago?

I guess Karma can be a bitch - and sometimes, when it needs a hand, so can I.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

There's always time

"Time, there's always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time"


If there is anything in the world that is so universally poignant, it's time.

Try as you might, you can't fight time. You can't hurry it, you can't slow it down - oh, but if only we could.

Time never does what we want it to do. This steady, consist, unflappable enitity behaves (at times) as if it has a mind of it's own. Like it wants to rebel against us, us petty, insignificant humans who so desperately wish they could control it, to mold it to suit our needs. It laughs in our face, it does what it wishes and we can only go along. We have no choice. We are all victims of time until our time is up.

How many times has a vacation gone by so quickly - before you know it, you are back at home, back to where you started. It's like you never left. Nothing has changed - time has made progress on bringing you back, it's neglected the things you wanted changed. That - takes more time.

How many times have we flipped through pictures and are reminded that "it was only a year ago." Or perhaps, we think "Wow, it's been a year already."

How many times we have wanted time to speed up - long days at the office, sitting through a boring lecture or a bad movie, counting the days until you see a loved one again. Time can go so painfully slowly.

It's about time. Time is fleeting. Time heals all wound. Things take time. People waste time. People lose time. People need more time. People try and kill time. So use your time wisely. Time is the wisest counsellor of all. With good times, bad times, perfect timing. Time is of the essence. There is no time like the present. Time after time, time and time again. Time is the only thief we can't get justice against. Time flies when you are having fun. Time makes more converts than reason. There is a time for every matter under heaven.

Time takes time.

Let me repeat that: Time takes time.

The pain you feel in the short-term feels so unbearably long, and the happiness you will feel in the long run, seems even longer still.

Then of course, there is happiness in the short-term which feels shorter than it should and sadness in the long-run that could not come faster.

So try as you might, whatever option you choose, you still don't have a choice. Time sweeps us along, heading down that path we are all meant to go on. But when and how we each get there - is just a matter of time.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Unleashing my inner "Brunette"

I am a natural blonde.

Meaning, I was born blonde, had light blonde hair until I was 12 and even now my natural color is that ashy, blah color - still blonde though but dull as dishwater. Of course, the hair color I have now is fake but I am truly a blonde genetically, if not at heart.

Apparently though, I am also a brunette. Being a blonde you get to be the brunt of all the blonde stereotypes, ei; you are flaky, dumb, stupid, an airhead etc. Brunettes are always seen as the smarter, reponsible, dependable types.

I fight the blonde stereotype all the time. Maybe because I have an impish face, or that I am of short stature or that I have curves. But people LOVE to assume I am an idiot.

I know, of course, I am not an idiot. Yes, I can be a major flake at times but that is due to just not paying attention. I also forget a lot of things (but surprisingly, remember the random or significant, personal stuff). I do know I am smart, I have a lot of knowledge of odd things that I like to unleash on people - I used to impress my last boyfriend with this all the time. Maybe it's because I used to read all the World Book Encyclopedias from front to back when I was a wee lass.

Anyhoo, lots of people in university and high school thought I was setting myself up for failure by doing things at the last minute. Here we have a blonde who also slacks off and doesn't get anything done until a deadline is breathing down her neck. Didn't look like a very smart equation to some.

Now you all know I love to do things at the last minute because it is the only way to get things done. I have been given half lectures on, "maybe your work would be better if you didn't do things at the last minute" - but you know what, I don't have to do better work. Sure, if I spent the time, maybe I would have gotten an A in International Media or I could do it with minimal effort at the last minute and get a B. I tend to pick the latter. I'm lazy.

So, as you know, I felt some "procrastinator's revenge" when I completed my Early Modern European History course.

I asked for one extension and never used it.

I finished a 5-month course in 5 days. A HISTORY course, to boot. While working full-time, no less.

During those 5 days I read 4 dry history text books, sheets of notes and excerpts, and wrote 3 essays. Oh, and a three-hour exam.

It. Was. Brutal.

I swore that I would never do anything last minute again and I sat in worry, wondering how badly I botched the whole course.

"As long as I pass, as long as I pass," I kept muttering it over and over like a mad woman.

Then yesterday I got my mark in the mail....


I got an A.

Like I said before, if God wants me to stop doing things at the last minute, he really, really should stop rewarding me like this.

Monday, May 07, 2007

What makes me smile?

And I mean really smile, in that nose scrunched up kinda way that I often do (see above)? Too many things, I tells ya, so I've got to admit it's far from a complete list. Read on through though, and maybe what makes me smile, makes you smile too :D

*Coming home to a clean place (though the act of cleaning does not make me smile)

*Planning things - whether it be a Beer Tasting class, dance lessons with a friend, road trips and upcoming travels (ahem, like to Italy)

*Going into a bookstore - I could spend hours in them

*Having a place to call all my own

*Reading about a foreign country and picking out the best reasons why I should go visit this place - and then think about how cool it will sound to say, "Im going to Ulaambaatar next year"

*Looking at my bookshelf and realizing I have tons of great books just waiting for me

*Drinking a beer in the sun

*Being on the boat - doesn't matter if it's rainy outside or winter or if I am in the middle of the Sea of Cortez and gagging for land

*When a friend does something thoughtful (like send you a funny card when they know you are feeling blue)

*Sleeping in on a Saturday when you know you have the whole weekend still ahead of you

*Long weekends

*Dogs. Any kind. Puppies especially. I will squeal

*Being on the back of a horse

*A fresh breeze ruffling my hair

*No line up at Starbucks (or indeed any place)

*A thunderstorm or windstorm

*Lesley Neilsen

*Finding new TV shows to love

*Looking through photo albums

*Going to new restaurants

*Exploring new neighbourhoods

*Finding a piece of clothing that you know no one else will have

*Taking photographs

*Audrey Hepburn movies

*Writing scripts/novels especially when I get to the point where I could just keep going and going - this is when my heart truly soars and I feel whole

*Having faith

*Seeing people who are truly in love and thus being reminded that it does exist

*Plotting where to travel to in the coming years

*A big, new, thick...magazine

*Days when I realize it's OK that I am not perfect, and OK to be me the way I am

*Trying on a dress that makes me feel like an angel

*Fitting in to an old pair of (skinny) jeans

*A fragrant, warm breeze on a calm, dark night

*Taking off my bra

*The first time of the year when you put on flip-flop/sandals/jandals/thongs

*Finding money you didn't know you had in random places

*The warm glow from windows in the night

*A head-bobbing Bill Cosby

*Waking up early, thinking you have to go to work and then remembering it's the weekend and you can sleep as long as you want


*Watching the previews before a movie in the theatre

*Grocery shopping for the night's dinner you have planned

*Light snow falling at night

*Looking at pictures of palm trees, a white beach and cool, clear aquamarine water - and imagining what it would be like to there

*An appreciative smile from a cute guy

*A free drink (or free anything really)

*Having a radio play your song request

*Going out for Breakfast (especially IHOP, yum)

*A nice, juicy mango

*An unexpected compliment

*A full tank of gas

*Summer dining on a patio

*Finishing a crossword puzzle

*Quoting or having someone quote Friends, The Simpsons, Airplane... (Pivot!)

*Having coffee and reading the paper outside in early morning sunlight

*Finally seeing results of a workout

*Having friends who appreciate how silly I am

*The sound of a dog slurping water out of a bowl

*The first Eggnog Latte of the year

*My Homer Simpson slippers

*Reminiscing over old memories


*Fluffy warm towels right out of the dryer

*Xmas songs

*Seeing candid photos of yourself

*The Simpsons Halloween Specials

*Finding people who love the same quirky things as you (ie, Mystery Science Theatre, Paul Simon, etc)

*Last-minute plans

*Getting to McDonalds in time for an Egg McMuffin

*A fresh sheet of bubble wrap

*Watching funniest animal videos

*The sound of lawn sprinklers

*My ability to see the bright side in everything

*Finding out that I was charged/paid too much on something and getting credited

*Making people laugh

*Getting the best seat on an airplane/bus/train and having no one sit next to you

*To be proud of how far I have come in my 25 years - and to know my life is just getting started

Sorry it was so long, but honestly I could go on and on - and hey, you know what, that can't be a bad thing, can it? I hope you too find things that make your face shrink up with glee (see below).