Saturday, February 23, 2008

Musings of late February

The above photo was taken by my bf's roomate. I was modeling for him (he is a photographer and it was school project and I was a last resort - hence why I have no makeup on, am dressed like a fat bag lady and didn't have a hair brush with me) and he was taken photos from across the alleyway like a stalker. My bf had to go to the doctor (due to painful bursitis in his shoulders), so he came out onto his roof to say good-bye (yes, I was being photographed on the roof).

His roomate snapped the pic without our knowledge, so I think it's just a wonderful candid shot of a parting moment.

But what is most interesting is...THE WEATHER! Hello! It's February here in Vancouver, Canada, the supposed "coldest" month of the year and I'm wearing a thin shirt and skirt and he's just got a tee on. To be fair, a couple of weeks ago it did snow but lookee now...sunshine, birdsong and spring buds.

And sleeveless wine and cheese on my roof under a dying sun. Bliss!

Now, I am wondering how to blog about this next part without going on and on and on about it. As you are all probably well aware, I tend to write long posts. I don't know why this is, all I know is that summarizing is not my strong point (and in the projects I am currently working on, it has come to bite me in the ass).

But I digress and shall get straight to the point....without sounding like one of those ungrateful or full-of-themselves people. So I will start off with this qoute from Friends, because I think it applies here.

"My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"


I look in the mirror and I see someone who is funny looking. I have an odd-face. I have numerous body flaws (even despite my recent weight loss). But I have blonde hair and I guess my figure is OK and I know that other people tend to say I'm "hot." I am not going to argue because I will never think that, but I can see WHY they would say that. I would just never let myself think that about myself because it's conceited, etc. And if you know me, you KNOW how much confidence I lack.

Regardless, I get pinpointed as being "hot" and I have never noticed this so much as when I started going out with my boyfriend 8 months ago.

I never got it much in high school and if it was it was in my group of friends (who were all punks, bangers, skids, druggies, goths) and not the school in general. I never got it afterwards because I was too fat (for my frame and my looks...I was at 169lbs at my worst and, yeah, it had people going "Lusty would be the hottest chick if she wasn't so damn fat" - a real quote from a real "friend" of mine). And I never really got it in University...until after I was down to 128lbs. And even then, I never heard it.

But my love now never lets me forget it. His friends don't let me forget it. Everytime we go out someone makes a comment about my looks. The guys say it in a nice way, the girls say it bitingly. Regardless, I hear it a lot. Do I get hit on a lot? NO. Actually, I rarely do. But I hear it and it's OK but it gets kind of annoying after awhile.

OK, so NOW is when the "My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" quote comes in because I know you all are rolling your eyes and saying, gee what a terrible problem to have. People constantly complimenting you.

Let me just say, I appreciate it. It's a novelty to me. I like it when people try and be nice. It does help my self-esteem sometimes.

But there is a downside to this that has been PISSING ME OFF as of lately.

When people start to see you as the Rockstar's "hot girlfriend," you start to diminish as a person and start to become an object. Unless they actually know me well, most people will stereotype me as some hot blonde chick and assume I am:


Maybe it's blonde thing because dark-haired beauties don't tend to get this assumption as much (I don't know, Kiwi, what do you think?). Maybe I need to dye my hair and wear glasses. But that's not me.

So all the emo, art-fag chicks that hate on me, hate on me because they don't understand how a hot blonde chick who wears cute dresses to rock concerts can possibly be funny, witty, smart and thoughtful. They write me off as being a waste of space and pure eye candy.

This problem continues on into my school world.

Most of you don't know this, but I write screenplays. I've been doing it since I was 21, starting as a hobby and now going as a career. I had one script in 2002 that attracted the attention of a local producer. I had it optioned for 3K (money I never saw when she skipped town eventually) but she did help me develop it and the script was good enough to be chosen to be performed live at a cold reading series. The script also was a finalist in screenwriting contests.

Skip forward a few years, past my days in New Zealand, to University. I had another script and this one actually landed me an agent.

It is very hard to get an agent. You can't get one if you aren't a good writer.

Regardless, he wasn't a very good agent so I am not too sure what that says about my writing skills.

Anyhoo, he sorta promoted my script and then I ended up losing interest. One reason is because I went to LA on a pitch conference (where you pitch your script to Miramax, Paramount etc)and got into an exclusive party. Long story short, I realized Hollywood sucked ass and I didn't want any part of it. Another reason is because people at journalism school kept telling me how impractical screenwriting was and that I should be more realistic.

Of course, they never told me how impractical journalism itself it. So fuck them, I decided. I am going to do this...I have as much of a chance selling my scripts than you do for writing for a newspaper any place other than Fort McMurray (ie, Butt Fuck Nowhere). The fact that right now, 10 BIG producers and 4 BIG agents have my script for review gives me as much of a chance of making it as you sending your journalism resume to the Globe and Mail.

Anyhoo, I don't admit it often because I have not officially "made" it and I don't want people to just assume I'm kidding myself...but that's happening so far.

I'm going to film school*. It's not film school as in "let's play with cameras and pretend to be directors." No, it's a course that deals with learning to be a producer here in to get funding from the government, distributors, broadcasters. How to budget and schedule your film using EP. How to be a production manager. How to enter film festivals. Where are the best tax credits. How much is insurance on my 2 mil film going to run me. What can I expect from post production (an aside, we went to a Technicolor lab today and I got to handle an undeveloped roll of Heath Ledger's last film Dr. Parnussus. I wasn't sure if the new footage, that was just dropped off at the lab, had Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel or Jude Law in it - his replacement actors - but I felt special).

Our program is very intense and has a lot of big people in it. One classmate produces the CBC show "The Guard." Another classmate is producing her first horror film with Kristin Kruek. One instructor is an actual Entertainment Lawyer who has worked on some big stuff. Another instructor has just produced Canada's first stop motion animation film. One instructor was the DOP on The Punisher sequel (and the new Captain Cook series on the History channel). One class project has us pitching our "shows" to a panel of judges that include the president of Lionsgate films. These are BIG people.

And they all look at me like I'm an idiot. Whenever I mention anything about writing, they just brush me off. Assume I can't do it. "Look at her, thinks she can write, what does she know?"

What do THEY know?

They completely judge me by my cover. The girls are the worst too, it seems like the guys are at least taken me remotely seriously. They at least take in what I have to say, nod a few times, perhaps. But the girls in my class don't even listen. They think I am full of bullshit. Many a time in group projects where something has involved writing or knowledge of scripts, they write me off. They don't give it to me, in fact they don't give any work to me. Look people, I have only a few strengths and many, many weaknesses (um, writing too long blog posts).

My strength is writing, I have come to believe this over the years - and fuck, even now I don't know if I can write shit at all - but it's the best I have to offer.

And no one will take me up on that offer.

Whaa, whaa, whaa, whinge, whinge, whinge. I must sound like a baby complaining about these things. But I would do anything to be taken more seriously and it seems until I actually make it, I'm going to have a long hard road ahead of me.

Some person commented on another blog and said, "There is nothing more important in this world than being a hot chick. You don't have to do shit."

I'm here to say that you couldn't be more wrong. Being hot may work in your favour as an actor (and even then, have you heard about Jessica Alba complaining about not getting Natalie Portman's parts? Yes, she is a horrible actress but...) or as a model or as a trophy wife, or a bartender, or perhaps at a company where the boss is a sleazeball. But other than that, you have to work just as hard.

And to be taken seriously for what I want to do, I think I have to work even harder.

Which is fine in the long run. Hard work builds character, it makes you refine what you want and it keeps your faith strong.

It will make the success that much sweeter when I finally am able to prove that I am capable and I can scream in their faces, "HA! I told you so!"

And then, maybe I'll stop complaining about my diamond shoes.

* - I should specify that I am not actually going to "film" school, it is a short, intensive university program that is geared towards people who are already IN the industry and want to transfer their skills to the producers range.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Women are bitches

The weekend before last was a disaster and I can't believe I waited this long to blog about it. But what can I say, I'm a busy woman.

Anyhoo, let's set up the scene, shall we?

My boyfriend has a very close knit group of guy friends that he has known since elementary school. These guys are close...very it's a bit intimidating to try and win the approval of them. My last bf had no friends (in this country) and the friends he did have (his work colleagues) I was not allowed to mingle with.

My Rockstar wants me to mingle with his friends and make them my friends.

Well, we've been together nearly 8 months now and I know I have made a good impression on them. It helps that my bf has never, ever complained about me to them - even though all they do is complain about their gfs to him. Constantly.

And for the most part, I do like his friends. There is one of them I am not too sure about but to be fair, my bf isn't that close with him either - friend by history, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, the point is that all these guys have girlfriends and over the last 8 months I have tried to get to know them better...bonding and all that shit.

In November I orchestrated a girls trip to Whistler for the 5 of them plus my bf's lovely sister. It was a lot of fun and I mainly did it because I knew that the girls always complained when the guys had guys nights and trips so I thought it would be nice for them.

Then in December I had a girls clothing swap. Though most didnt show up, the idea was to bring all the makeup, jewlery, clothes, shoes that you didnt want and trade with the others for stuff you do want. It was a success, and the clothes we had left over we donated to charity. But I mainly did that because I wanted another "bonding" experience plus one girl, Mik (not her real name ;P), had complained before that she never has any nice clothes. I had a lot of nice clothes so I thought it would be a nice thing to do...anyway, she didn't show. Whatever.

Then in January I planned for another girl's night. I had about 10 girls coming over to mine before for drinks, then we would hit the bar. Mik decided to make reservations at this Irish bar that I wasn't too fond of but we all agreed, especially when we found out that we could get on the VIP list and not stand in line or pay cover. A bonus, because we all were broke.

So the night comes. My friend's Robyn and K came over. But the rest of the girls were MIA. Finally I heard from them...they were late and heading straight to the bar. There were only three of them too...Mik, the Swede and Red. I didn't question what happened to everyone else, so we decided to head over.

In the cab, on the way there, Mik calls me. She wants to go to this horrible bar around the corner instead. She says there will be more people there and it will be more fun...more guys and the like. It's also the same bar that she used to frequent when she was single and trolled for hockey players...from what she's said, she's hooked up with a lot of them...especially the married ones. Let's ignore the fact that she is almost engaged here, and that she's a judgemental holier-than-thou Christian who looks down on ME for getting drunk once in a while.

So, she wants to go to this bar for whatever reason and wants to pay the $12 cover. I tell her, on behalf of Robyn, K and another girl, E, that we are meeting at the original bar, that we can't afford to pay cover and why not stick to the original plan for now. She didn't sound too happy about that.

We get to the Irish bar and I can SEE she doesn't look too happy about it. I give her a hug anyway, but she barely smiles. She's wearing what can only be described as a long shirt - again, it's a bit ironic that she hates it when her bf/fiance goes out to clubs because she thinks HE is looking for girls. And when SHE goes out, she wears something like that.

Anyhoo, we go inside the bar and it's packed! It's hockey night and there is barely anywhere to sit but we manage to score a table and few chairs. If she was worried that it would be lame, with no one here, she was wrong.

She looks around. Whispers something to the Swede, grabs Red's arm and says, "We are just going to check our coats."

Half an hour later, Robyn, K, E and I have a feeling they aren't coming back. Then I get a text from her, "Decided to go to the Roxy, maybe see you later."

They didn't come back to say goodbye. They just left. They lied to us.

It's obvious now that when I planned this girls night, we had different ideas. She just wanted to go out with "her" friends (the other gfs). She didn't care about me. She suggested the damn bar and then changes her mind at the last minute for no reason.

I texted her back, sick of this crap and said "You didn't even come back to say bye? This was YOUR idea to come to this bar, I planned a girls night so that we could all hang out TOGETHER and instead you just ditch us?"

No response. Luckily the rest of us were still able to dance the night away and have fun but we were still angry as hell.

I started texting my bf and all he can say is that Mik is a bitch, the Swede is her personal cheerleader but that he was disappointed in Red. Red is not at all like those preppy bitches, she is more like me. He couldn't believe that she would go along with them. But she did.

Later on I found out that the only reason that Red did was because it was her bf that was picking the three of them up. And her bf knew about the situation ahead of time thanks to my bf filling him in on my texts.

So when he picks them up, he asks the girls..."So, why did you guys even agree to go? Do you even like Lusty?"

Red said, "I do!"

Mik said, "No. We don't get along."


This is news to me people. I have been nothing but nice to that girl. Buying her lame ass Facebook gifts when she feels sad. Planning a girls swap so that she would have something nice to wear. Creating these girls nights so she doesnt feel so lame when her bf/fiance goes out with his friends. Keeping her company when her bf and my bf are off doing their thing. Hell, when I got drunk in front of her back in November (see my "Sobriety" post) SHE was the reason I haven't gotten drunk since! I felt her judging me...HELL I was SOBER on Halloween because I was too afraid to get drunk lest she would look down on me again. I COULD HAVE BEEN WASTED!!!

So yeah. We don't get along. She doesn't like me DESPITE the fact that I have heard NOTHING BUT HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT HER and yet always still gave her the benefit of the doubt.

My boyfriend is really upset about this revelation. Her bf is his best friend, M. Every single one of M's friends hate Mik...with a passion. My bf is the ONLY friend of his who is actually really nice to her and who never says a bad thing about her, even when M is going off about her. The worst he has ever said is "Mik is being unreasonable" when, like, she broke into his msn account, found a picture of a chick that a guy friend was dating (he sent he pic to show M what she looked like) and then accused her bf of cheating. And when I say accused, I mean attacked.

So it's ironic that of all the girlfriends, I AM the only one she doesn't like. What's worse is that we can't figure out why she doesn't like me. It could be because I drink and she doesn't. It could be because I call myself a Christian and she doesn't think I should. It could be because she's jealous of me. It could be because I (according to my bf) have a dominant personality. It could be because everyone likes me...and no one likes her.

Which makes me think back to a few weeks ago....I went to bed early on a Saturday night. The guys were having a guy's night and I had to get up early for school. My phone was on silent so I didn't hear it ring at 330AM. The next day I saw I had a missed call from a long distance number.

I googled the number and traced it to Mik's parents house on Vancouver Island. I knew she was on the island because that's the only reason her bf was able to attend guy's night.

Why would she, someone who I am not close with and who doesn't like me, call me from her parent's house at 330 AM on Sunday morning?

Turns out she was harassing her bf all night and checking up on him. He finally told her to stop calling him, turned off his phone. She I guess assumed that I would be with my bf and he would be with hers so she called me to check up on her bf/fiance and find out what he was up to.

This is just something my bf and I have deduced but holy crap. What a psycho. I could go on and on too about this girl. I'm just amazed that someone like THAT would have such a problem with lil ol' me.

I guess I should mention that she did send me an apology over Facebook...which seemed so insincere..."I hope you can forgive me and we can move on." You know, I would have but now that I know she doesn't like me....tough cookies. It means nothing to me.

Red apologized too and I ended up speaking to her face to face on Friday night. She felt really bad and it turns out she doesn't even like the other girls all that much since she feels she cant be herself around them and that she wants to get to know me better since we are more alike. I knew she was sincere and we have plans for a girls night, just us two, next weekend.

So that is that. Girls are bitches. I know that you are always going to have people that don't like you in your life, no matter what you do, it just pisses me off that I often go out of my way to get to know people and make them feel good and in the end they just hate me anyway. I don't know why I have always been a target for bitchy girls, I get it every day...and it seems to get worse as I get older, I have no clue why.

In other news, things have been running smoothly. School is hardcore intense but I still love it. I've been up to some top secret stuff that could change my life forever but until it happens, I am not going to mention it on this blog....I don't think any of you would take me seriously.

Dad has agreed that we need to sell the apartment and we will start doing that in May/June.

My wonderful bf spent three hours trying to fix my toilet and in the end, succeeded (with the help of a neighbour). Even though my bf is so not a manly man, it was really honorable that he was determined to fix things and watching him with his tool kit was definitely a turn-on :P

I just found rasberry-filled Tim Tams and Worcester-flavoured Walker's chips at a gourmet cancy store.

Lost has been blowing my mind. I can't believe how good it is again.

I just got a Brazilian wax today, my first professional one (yes I have done it myself). It was comparable to going spread eagle to the gynocologist, but instead of a spatula they pour hot wax in your hoo-haa and ass-haa and then rip it off. I was kinda embarassed at first, it's really such an odd experience, but the pain was temporary and by the time I left the salon it was just a memory. I'm super happy with the results and can't wait to wear my Brazilian cut bikini to....


Yup, next tuesday the man and I are flying to Maui and spending a week with his parents. They are paying for everything and I can't wait. It doesn't even seem real and it's been SO long since I've been to the islands. Arrrrrg, we both need this vacation like you wouldn't believe!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Valentine's Day Rant

I hate this day.

It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, it sucks.

My boyfriend is broke. He knows it, he hates it, I know it, I hate it. But there isn't much we can do about it so we just accept it and move on.

Then days like today come along, with girls bragging about what their "wonderful" boyfriends have bought, chocolates, gifts, trips, expensive dinners, etc.

It just puts so much emphasis on what is NOT important. These material things that mean nothing at all. These girls forget that most of the year, their boyfriend is a douche bag, and on this one day, suddenly an expensive meal makes up for the fact that they never call her back, or get too friendly with other girls when drunk, or never take out the garbage, or never put in any effort into the relationship or never make them feel like they are the most important thing in their life.

Last year, my (ex) boyfriend did something very nice for me. He bought me a trip to the spa, plus cheesey balloons and flowers. My boyfriend this year probably won't give me anything.

But what I have learned is that I would rather have a man who perhaps can't spend any money on me but treats me like absolute gold EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR than a man who gives me gifts but can't even give me his heart.

So shame on you, Valentine's Day, for emphasizing the shallow side of relationships and ignoring that deep down, what we really need on this day is someone's heart....and not one that is filled with expensive chocolates.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

As If I Needed Another Reason

Today I found out that my maintenance fees for my apartment have doubled.

Yup. Instead of paying $282 a month for NOTHING (which I already thought was high) now I pay $543.

FIVE HUNDRED AND FOURTY-THREE DOLLARS A MONTH for a tiny pool that is only open 3 months of the year, elevators that don't work, a very unsafe and unsecure building and a central heating system that leaves a layer of dust all over my place.


That means I am paying well over a $1000 a month for 430 tiny square feet.

Now I mean business. Since I co-own the place with my dad, I just emailed him the facts. If this doesn't sway him to sell, I don't know what will. Aside from the fact that the small yellow house in front of me has been bought by a real estate company and they are planning to build an 18-storey highrise there by next year which will COMPLETELY BLOCK THE SEA VIEW FROM MY APARTMENT - actually, all views and even the roof deck will be affected since my building is about 5 floors lower than the proposed one.







Friday, February 08, 2008

Apartment For Sale

Dear Lights,
Why must you keep going out? First it was the one in the hallway, now the kitchen. Soon, I'm going to be in complete darkness. Don't you realize that I would rather not spend my money on you and that I am so damn busy I can't even go out and replace you (hence why I am writing a half-assed post)?

Dear Toilet,
Please stop running! I don't know what's wrong with you, how you look like you are fine and then suddenly WHOOOOOSH in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of me. It has got to be the most annoying sound in the world and I don't appreciate you causing my bf to lift the back off of you and stare into your watery cauldron, waiting to see what the hell you are doing, exactly. I also don't appreciate it how you act "normal" when you know you are being watched. Don't make me call a plumber. DAMN IT! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Dear Neighbour I never see,
Stop staring at me when you see me on the street. Either say hello or don't. It's weird. Also, I know you are never home but I've noticed that when you ARE actually home, your TV is really, really loud. I know I could just tell you since you seem to be quite nice but I guess I am just mad at my apartment's lack of sound-proofing. And I recent how the people who sold you the place told me you were "pretty" and my "age." You're FORTY! You aren't my age!!!!

Dear Neighbour beside me,
I just plain hate you. I don't know why you are home everyday. I don't know why your TV is on all day. I don't know why you play horrible, cheesey techno music. I don't know why I never hear anyone in your apartment. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, young or old, gay (most likely) or not. I don't want to know. I just wish you weren't right THERE, on the other side of my bed. Though, considering how often my bed rams against the wall during sex, I bet you wish I wasn't here either.

Dear neighbour below me,
You were the unassuming one. I never heard a peep out of you except for the occasional folk music that you would play once a month. Now, when you have your tv on, IT'S THE LOUDEST OF THEM ALL. WHAT GIVES? Is this payback for me walking around with me heels on? It's not my fault I have hardwood floors.

Dear neighbour above me,
Don't get me started. You are an idiot. Why do you have to invite your buddies over to watch the hockey game and why must you YELL OUT THE WINDOW at them everytime they pull into the parking lot?? Why must you smoke out the window too??? That's disgusting and it only enables me to hear your stupid, dumb-ass jock laugh and your stupid hockey sounds ("Ooooooh!"). And why does it sound like you are dropping the ocassional bowling ball at night - don't tell me those are weights. Cause, if they are, they aren't doing any good. I never hear a girl in your apartment, just that porn you have on repeat.

Dear annoying thumping noise,
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? Why does it sound like someone is pacing to one end of their apartment in heavy shoes and then pausing for 5 seconds and pacing back. ALL DAY LONG! ALL THE TIME! WHAT the hell is this noise? And WHERE the hell is it coming from??? It's faint, I know, and I suppose it could be easy to ignore. But I can't, it throws me into a frenzy. I feel like Lisa Simpson when she made her diorama of The Tell-tale Heart.

Dear apartment,
I no longer like you. You are way too dusty, I feel like I have to vacuum everyday. You are way too annoying, all these people around me. You are way too expensive, I don't know why my maintence fees are so high. You are way too small for me. After nearly two years of living with you, I have accumulated way too much stuff it's not working out anymore. There is no place to put anything. My closet is beyond stuffed. I don't have anywhere to put my schoolbooks and homework.

And I am really, really sick of just living in ONE room.

Besides, when I get engaged or married, there is no WAY the two of us are going to fit in here.

So this is it...

Dear apartment,

Any takers?

Monday, February 04, 2008

Serial Monogamists = scared to be single?

Just thought I would throw out there...

A friend of mine and her bf recently broke up (not the couple I have been talking about lately though). It's been a few weeks and already the girl has found a new boyfriend.

Now, I have to ask this, but why are some women so afraid of being single?

This friend has never been single for more than a month in the 10 years I have known her. She just goes from guy to guy to guy. And sure, the relationships have already been pretty long, she's not so much of a "slut" but still, way to rack up the numbers in your bedpost.

I've noticed this happening a lot, with other girls that I know and I just don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been single for three years at one time, I don't feel I need a man to be "complete,"...I don't know. But so many girls just go from one relationship to another, without having any time spent truly on their own.

Are they entering these relationships honestly liking the guy, or are they just afraid to be alone? I mean, how can you "love" or "really, really like" the last guy and then a month later suddenly you "love" or "really, really like" the next guy? In my world, REAL feelings take time to develop. When you flit from "Oh he's the one" to "oh, HE'S the one," to "Yeah, this guy is the one too," how can any of those feelings be anything but shallow?

Do they think society will look down upon them if they don't have a guy in their lives? One girl just hops from bed to bed to bed hoping that soon one of the guys she lays will want to have her for more than a one-night stand. I tell her, "just ENJOY BEING SINGLE! Who you are is not dependent on who you are WITH! Having a guy in your life does not make you better than anyone else."

And this seems to happen more with girls than with guys. Sure, most guys will go out and get laid on occasion, but they aren't as likely to freak out and go, "OH MY GOD, I'm single! Quick I better get a woman, I don't know how to live with just ME!"

Now, I do know a few guys who actually are like that, so I am not saying it's just a girl thing. It just seems to happen more.

Anyway, I just wish women weren't so afraid to be alone. So many won't even go traveling if they don't have someone to go know what? If you wanna go somewhere, GO ALONE! If you use common sense, it wont kill you and you will have a guaranteed blast.

It seems like in this day and age that so many people are connected to each other by blogs and facebook and dating services, "being alone" has become some sort of plague to be avoided.

It's not. You are born alone and you will die alone. Try spending sometime with YOU and once you get to know YOU, you'll never feel alone again.

Disclaimer: I am aware that I started going out with my current love only two months after the last one dumped me. This was out of the blue and a relationship was not what I was looking for. In fact, I was looking forward to having the freedom of being single and moving on so quickly did throw me for a loop. I am glad I lucked out like that, but had my love never showed up in my life and I was still single now, I know I would NOT be dating and would just be single and living my awesome life. By myself. And keeping an eye open for any opportunities that come along when you are busy making other plans