Monday, February 04, 2008

Serial Monogamists = scared to be single?


Just thought I would throw out there...

A friend of mine and her bf recently broke up (not the couple I have been talking about lately though). It's been a few weeks and already the girl has found a new boyfriend.

Now, I have to ask this, but why are some women so afraid of being single?

This friend has never been single for more than a month in the 10 years I have known her. She just goes from guy to guy to guy. And sure, the relationships have already been pretty long, she's not so much of a "slut" but still, way to rack up the numbers in your bedpost.

I've noticed this happening a lot, with other girls that I know and I just don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been single for three years at one time, I don't feel I need a man to be "complete,"...I don't know. But so many girls just go from one relationship to another, without having any time spent truly on their own.

Are they entering these relationships honestly liking the guy, or are they just afraid to be alone? I mean, how can you "love" or "really, really like" the last guy and then a month later suddenly you "love" or "really, really like" the next guy? In my world, REAL feelings take time to develop. When you flit from "Oh he's the one" to "oh, HE'S the one," to "Yeah, this guy is the one too," how can any of those feelings be anything but shallow?

Do they think society will look down upon them if they don't have a guy in their lives? One girl just hops from bed to bed to bed hoping that soon one of the guys she lays will want to have her for more than a one-night stand. I tell her, "just ENJOY BEING SINGLE! Who you are is not dependent on who you are WITH! Having a guy in your life does not make you better than anyone else."

And this seems to happen more with girls than with guys. Sure, most guys will go out and get laid on occasion, but they aren't as likely to freak out and go, "OH MY GOD, I'm single! Quick I better get a woman, I don't know how to live with just ME!"

Now, I do know a few guys who actually are like that, so I am not saying it's just a girl thing. It just seems to happen more.

Anyway, I just wish women weren't so afraid to be alone. So many won't even go traveling if they don't have someone to go with...you know what? If you wanna go somewhere, GO ALONE! If you use common sense, it wont kill you and you will have a guaranteed blast.

It seems like in this day and age that so many people are connected to each other by blogs and facebook and dating services, "being alone" has become some sort of plague to be avoided.

It's not. You are born alone and you will die alone. Try spending sometime with YOU and once you get to know YOU, you'll never feel alone again.

Disclaimer: I am aware that I started going out with my current love only two months after the last one dumped me. This was out of the blue and a relationship was not what I was looking for. In fact, I was looking forward to having the freedom of being single and moving on so quickly did throw me for a loop. I am glad I lucked out like that, but had my love never showed up in my life and I was still single now, I know I would NOT be dating and would just be single and living my awesome life. By myself. And keeping an eye open for any opportunities that come along when you are busy making other plans

17 comments:

Girl About Town said...

I think I am with you on this one. But that's just me. I have never been someone to have a bf just to have one. But I know a helluva lot of girls who did (most girls I know now are Mums and married so it's not really an 'out there' issue anymore for most of the people I know iykwim).

I agree that if someone's special to you it's something rare, not something you find in every guy, one after the other. But again, that's just how I see it.

Great post!

Indiana said...

While I agree with the sentiment of "embracing singleness" don't you think its a tad ironic that those who are always banging the single drum are in fact coupled up? And while its easy to say "if I was single I would love the freedom", its also likewise ironic that those who expound such are in fact "not single".

No single person really loves their lack of partner, they may find activities or friendships to mark the time between waking and sleeping, but we all yearn for the comfort and closeness of another...we just distract ourselves from it.

For if singledom was so great we would all remain single.

Steph said...

I'll blame Fuckedbook. People are starting to collect partners the way they do "friends".
Tragic.

Wanderlusting said...

Girl - That's what confuses me. How can they all be special? Though I know that sometimes you do have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince too...

Indy - if you are aiming those comments at me, I suppose you didnt read the disclaimer. I was single for 5 years in total with a one month relationship in between. Aside from the odd hookup, it was just me and I WAS HAPPY BEING SINGLE. All my friends were dating but I could not be bothered because I really couldn't care less if I was alone or not. I am a solitary person at heart and BELIEVE IT OR NOT actually preffered to be alone rather than be with someone. GASP! Imagine that!

Yeah, I am in a relationship now but that's because it was the right thing that came along at the right time. You can't be single forever but you don't have to hate it or feel like you are nothing just because you ARE single.

And, btw - a lot of people do chose to remain single. Take a look at all the bachelors out there.

There is nothing wrong with being coupled up either, but from MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE too many people do it because they are too afraid to be alone, not because they genuinely want to be with that person.

Steph - Agreed! It's fun to watch too and some people's status's change from "in a relationship" to "single" once a month!

Wanderlusting said...

Oh and Indy, btw, my boyfriend was single for SIX YEARS before he met me. Celibate too, which is amazing. He got out of a horrible relationship that scarred him and he decided he would be better off being alone . It was easier, he enjoyed the freedom that came with it and was able to concentrate on himself. He wasn't distracting himself from anything because he geniunely liked it being just him. I guess that's why it's really neat that we found each other since we both came from such similar positions.

Kass said...

Well, just like in your own situation, sometimes these things just happen. You're not looking and then wham, an "opportunity" pops up you just can't pass by.

Then again, there are the people (it's not just girls) that go on the hunt for a newbie, which I find to be very strange.

Of course tho, people that lose cats or dogs often go out within the next week and replace them? Hell if I know what that means tho lol.

Wanderlusting said...

Kass - yeah I dunno...guess it's fear that causes you to replace things that can't really be replaced. And that's understandable.

I'm not harping on people who are always in relationships because they are looking for the one. I'm more about the hidden motivations - that they are afraid to be alone. That irks me, I guess cuz I'm not afraid to be alone. It does you a lot of good sometimes. It's kind of like the girls who sleep around looking for "confidence" and "bragging rights" and not actually because they like the act of sex. Don't get me started on those people!

Farrell said...

i have a friend like that. and my ex is like that. I am totally NOT like that.

Odette said...

You're right. We are more alike than we may have previously thought. I completely understand what you are saying. I took two years to get into another realtionship after my last one finished. I also feel you about the need for independence. Isn't there a saying about loving yourself first? I mean at the end of the day isn't it hard to learn to love yourself or even get to know yourself if you are always coupled up? Just a thought.

Shawn said...

I have a friend (guy) who is like that... whenever he'd be thinking about breaking up with one girl, he'd already be setting up another. When he realized he had a chance with her, he would dump the other one.

With him, and I think with a lot of people, it's the feeling of being "needed" that they thrive on. They feel they always have to be the number one priority in someone's life, and when that starts to fade, they get restless and move on. These people also seem to be the ones that quickly have children after marriage and swear that kids are the best "job" in the entire world... in my friend's case, I seriously doubt this is a coincidence. He now has someone that thinks he is the most important person in the world for at least 10 years.

Delicieux said...

Oh girl... you nailed this one on the head! I most cetainly agree. I've made plenty of time between every relationship and it's been great. The one time I didn't, the next one ended disasterously because the last guy was still lingering in the picture.

I am so glad there are other people out there that see it the same way I do!

sdejoode said...

I completely agree with you too. I know somebody who was recently scheduled to get married and they broke up. And now she's moved on and dating somebody else - just weeks later. I don't understand it. I want to ask how seriously she was considering marriage, because I don't see how that person can be so easily replaced so quickly.

Madrid said...

Oh my goodness, I love this post!! I wrote a similar post like this last year on my blog. I have a lot of friends that fall into this category and I have never understood their actions. I feel that when you are alone without a boyfriend for awhile, you really get to know who you are as a person but maybe discovering ones true self really scares the crap out of some people...

Charm School Reject said...

If my sister lived in Canada, I'd swear you were talking about her. I've made all of the same arguments to her that you have made, especially the "shallow feelings" argument. Girls like that are just not hardwired to understand the concept of independence.

Memphis Steve said...

Some people are just scared of being alone and lonely. Being alone itself isn't so bad, but when you're lonely it can be the worst thing in the world.

Bridget Jones said...

Hey I was loneliest when I was married!!

Sharen Sierra said...

It appears that most that have left a comment about this article are women. That makes me wonder why do so many or us (meaning women) have so much time on a Friday of all days to leave comments (no exactly being HATERS) but clearly forgetting we live in Glass Houses. I write and Life Coach on living single happy and balanced. Scared Single...but not Afraid! So Believe me you I Believe in spending time with oneself..yet I am not quick to judge anyone who chooses to live the opposite as I do. I am just saying maybe just maybe we should point a finger in the mirror. www.scaredsingle.com