Friday, February 08, 2008

Apartment For Sale

Dear Lights,
Why must you keep going out? First it was the one in the hallway, now the kitchen. Soon, I'm going to be in complete darkness. Don't you realize that I would rather not spend my money on you and that I am so damn busy I can't even go out and replace you (hence why I am writing a half-assed post)?

Dear Toilet,
Please stop running! I don't know what's wrong with you, how you look like you are fine and then suddenly WHOOOOOSH in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of me. It has got to be the most annoying sound in the world and I don't appreciate you causing my bf to lift the back off of you and stare into your watery cauldron, waiting to see what the hell you are doing, exactly. I also don't appreciate it how you act "normal" when you know you are being watched. Don't make me call a plumber. DAMN IT! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Dear Neighbour I never see,
Stop staring at me when you see me on the street. Either say hello or don't. It's weird. Also, I know you are never home but I've noticed that when you ARE actually home, your TV is really, really loud. I know I could just tell you since you seem to be quite nice but I guess I am just mad at my apartment's lack of sound-proofing. And I recent how the people who sold you the place told me you were "pretty" and my "age." You're FORTY! You aren't my age!!!!

Dear Neighbour beside me,
I just plain hate you. I don't know why you are home everyday. I don't know why your TV is on all day. I don't know why you play horrible, cheesey techno music. I don't know why I never hear anyone in your apartment. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, young or old, gay (most likely) or not. I don't want to know. I just wish you weren't right THERE, on the other side of my bed. Though, considering how often my bed rams against the wall during sex, I bet you wish I wasn't here either.

Dear neighbour below me,
You were the unassuming one. I never heard a peep out of you except for the occasional folk music that you would play once a month. Now, when you have your tv on, IT'S THE LOUDEST OF THEM ALL. WHAT GIVES? Is this payback for me walking around with me heels on? It's not my fault I have hardwood floors.

Dear neighbour above me,
Don't get me started. You are an idiot. Why do you have to invite your buddies over to watch the hockey game and why must you YELL OUT THE WINDOW at them everytime they pull into the parking lot?? Why must you smoke out the window too??? That's disgusting and it only enables me to hear your stupid, dumb-ass jock laugh and your stupid hockey sounds ("Ooooooh!"). And why does it sound like you are dropping the ocassional bowling ball at night - don't tell me those are weights. Cause, if they are, they aren't doing any good. I never hear a girl in your apartment, just that porn you have on repeat.

Dear annoying thumping noise,
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? Why does it sound like someone is pacing to one end of their apartment in heavy shoes and then pausing for 5 seconds and pacing back. ALL DAY LONG! ALL THE TIME! WHAT the hell is this noise? And WHERE the hell is it coming from??? It's faint, I know, and I suppose it could be easy to ignore. But I can't, it throws me into a frenzy. I feel like Lisa Simpson when she made her diorama of The Tell-tale Heart.

Dear apartment,
I no longer like you. You are way too dusty, I feel like I have to vacuum everyday. You are way too annoying, all these people around me. You are way too expensive, I don't know why my maintence fees are so high. You are way too small for me. After nearly two years of living with you, I have accumulated way too much stuff it's not working out anymore. There is no place to put anything. My closet is beyond stuffed. I don't have anywhere to put my schoolbooks and homework.

And I am really, really sick of just living in ONE room.

Besides, when I get engaged or married, there is no WAY the two of us are going to fit in here.

So this is it...

Dear apartment,

Any takers?


Steph said...

Good for you! I hope you get a good price for the no good whore!

Michael said...

Since I'm 40, I guess we'll never be hanging out in person.

Well, that plus the fact that you're in Vancouver and I'm in Texas.

arbyn said...

oooooh how much?

Vegas Princess said...

Good luck. In your seraching for a buyer if you happen across anyone who would like a very nice townhouse in Vegas so we can finally build our dream house let me know.

Delicieux said...

Lovely, looks like we're having the same problems... yours is with the apartment itself... mine is with my roommate :) You'll love my latest post then!

Good luck getting rid of it. At least there's light at the end of my tunnel... he's moving out in a month!!!

amanda jane said...

where are you going to go once your place is sold?

Bridget Jones said...

Umm don't send this post to potential buyers.