Friday, October 06, 2006

Just a Wannabe Slut

Remember, way back in the day, when the word "Slut" used to be a bad thing? When calling a woman "Easy," "Slutty" or "The Town Bicycle" would add up to a justifiable slap in the face?

Well, I can't help but think this just isn't true anymore.

When did women whose bed posts are covered in many notches, become revered, or admired, or even...cool?

And when did women start feeling ashamed for not having that many sexual partners?

This is a bit of a dicey topic, (especially for someone like me, who does not have the comfort of annonymity) to blog about. But it's something I think about often, especially on the Blogsphere, where so many a blog are devoted to sexual escapades with random people, and how these people are applauded for their racy way of life.

The problem is not that these women (I'm not going to comment on men, because I haven't found guys to be more or less sexually picky as before) are loving sex, getting it wherever they can. Whatever works for them, whatever floats their boat, whatever makes them happy is great. Good for them. Girl Power, the Feminist Movement and all that shit.

No, the problem I find with the fact that being a slut is now something you should achieve to be, is that the social stigma that was once associated with it has now been transported on to the girls who don't have casual sex, the girls who can count the men they've fucked on one hand and the girls that believe love and sex go together. I'm not saying I am one of these girls (though I am two out of the three). In other words, the "prudes" are the ones who are looked down upon.

It something that should just be in high school (where I was in fact called a lesbian by my "good" girlfriends because I only had sex with my boyfriends and not random guys) but has now spread into societal norm. Gone are the days where women were once praised for being selective, picky, chaste, or even, gasp, a virgin. Now, it seems to me, that both men and women are judgemental of the women out there who don't subscribe to the whole "Cooler Than Thou Sex Kitten" point of view.

I know I've had both men and women (my friends too) who give me a look of pity when I tell them that my number of partners isn't in the double digits. They think I am missing out on life, that I am naive, innocent and ignorant. But let's take a woman who has only slept with one man but has had sex every single day, for the last 5 years. Does that make her a prude or "sexually deficient" when compared to a woman who has slept with 20 men, all of them one night stands?

When has being selective about our sexual partners become a gauge of how sexual we are?

It's even gone so far, as that I feel like a freak of nature for my choosen status. I even envy all the women out there who can have casual sex with whomever they want, whenever they want because, in a way, it's a form of power that I just can not possess. When your boyfriend* has slept with a ton of more people than you, you feel terribly un-powerful, disposable and un-special. If I slept with a lot more men, it would level the playing field. But I know that I just couldn't do that, and if I did, it would go horribly wrong. I would probably get screwed over (pardon the pun) or a disease or end up with a stalker or just get attached to a guy when really my point would have been to just have sex without attachment.

Maybe it's just that Sexually Empowered (to be PC) women are now considered the "coolest" women in society, and boy do they know it too.

And I, little ol' me, am someone who will never be "cool."


*see comments

25 comments:

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
I'm assuming you meant to put a disclaimer above that para about the exploits of 'boyfriends' stating that it does not necessarily relate to the relationship you're currently in, nor refer to the male companion that you currently have.

Kass said...

I agree, altho I do like the word slut, but only because I'm rude and vulgar. I've only slept with one guy, and I'm still with him. I dont, at all, feel ashamed of that, moreso proud because I'm not a dirty tramp like the rest of the worlds dirty bitches :P

Kass said...

And where the hell were you at lunch? How dare you stand us up lol.

C'est la vie!! said...

LOL@ wannabe slut...I c ur point.. I am 27 and I have slept with very few men...2 to be exact...my friends make me feel like a prude for that sometimes...cuz they are younger and have been with more men..but then again, I always made love not sex...and they can't say that...

just another guy said...

Interesting points there Wander. I do find that women who boast about their number of partners or their very active sexlifes often come off as if they have something to prove. Personally, I think some women do this just because they think it will appeal to men.
And it does appeal to men (d'uh!). But usually not the men who would want you for more than a random fling.

On a seperate note, and not to sound crude here, but women like you (or as you have stated), I have found to have a voracious sexual appetite, perhaps because they are making up for lost time (or partners). Sorry, it's just MO.

Anonymous said...

I can count my men on one hand and have been taught to be embaresed about it. It's sad society shuns women for whatever choices they seem to make and yes, i have been shunned too for thinking of sex as a big deal. But Idon't think a woman's sexual experience should be based on the number of men shes slept with. I think women are more likely to bust out the kinky shit on their boyfriends than on some one0night stand. I know I do and my boufriend loves it. He likes my combo of naughty and nice.

Fantabulous Brit said...

When I was in my early 20's (many moons ago. Gawd, I'm old)I went through a "phase" in which I proceeded to bed as many Toms, DICKS and Harrys as possible. Partly this was because I hung out with an older crowd who seemed so much more worldly than I, and partly because I was curious as to see if I could behave like a man. That is, bed as many as possible in order to feel better about myself. To be about the me, me, me.

Now I know. I am not a man, nor should I aspire to be, nor should any woman want to be. This whole equality scenario can be taken too far when women start behaving like men for the sake of being equal with men. That is retarded. If I wanted to sleep around for the sake of pleasuring myself (Gawd that didn't even work) that is one thing. But to do it because I want to appear like one of guys (a guy with fanny), that is bloody stupid. Women are women, men are men and using others to prove a point is worthless.

Although I don't regret my expiriment (tho the threat of diseases and loss of self-esteem I do), I do admire women who know who they are and who do it for themselves, not for any peer pressure or for any stupid man.

So pat yourselves on the back for staying true to your principles.

Shrimp on the Barbie said...

U wants ta talk Social Stigma, then try being a leper! YIKES. Nothing makes a man run farther than leprosy. check out the Good book if u dont believe it.

I am stradling the fence on this one. On one leg, I've had more than my share of men. On the other, I had the men in order to have something juicy to tell my mates in tha morning. And I'm often jonesing for it as well.

In Oz, where I am from orginally, guys WILL look at u oddly if you aren't an easy lay or if u like to "Make Love" instead of get your freak on. In Brazil, men will respect u more if they think they are one of the privilged few to stick it in. Hence, here [rio] I've had to lie [cut number in halve] in order to impress a man, where as in Oz I would lie [x number by halve]to stop their terrible scorn.

But Aussie men are stupid pigs which is why I left and am now being romanced by a man called Paolo.

Moral of comment? Men aren't worth trying to slut yourself out for.

Anonymous said...

Men want a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom. Not a whore in both places. You think that men want a woman that sleeps around for the sake of being sexy? Boys (anyone under 30) may want that for a quick fuck but as a man gets older and wants a suitable partner for settling down, he learns he definitely wants the lady.

Wanderlusting said...

Ross ~ disclaimer is in place

Kass ~ good for you! And lol at the last bit

C'est La Vie ~ I like the way you put that.

Just another Guy ~ Not crude at all and would like to think it's true

Anon ~ I've had that same discussion with people. It drew mixed results. The girls with many partners said that they were "kinky" with their one night stands but the other girls (the not so many)think that they were just trying to put us down.

Fantabulous - hey everyone's gotta go through life their own way and make their own mistakes. I just hope I don't regret not sleeping around. But thanks for the encourgement.

Barbie ~ Lol to everything. Yeah, I've been lambasted by many a Aussie guy. And I've been tempted to lie about my number (tho only to other girls).

Anon ~ Though I was careful to not use the word "whore" (as it is a tad vulgar, rude and negative and I'm trying to be diplomatic here) the old adage is true. I have heard of men who like having a "nice" girl instead of one who has been around the block a few times...but most of these men are old and have already been there, done that.

M said...

what an interesting entry! I don't have a problem with how many partners people have or haven't had - whatever. But sometimes it *does* feel like women have something to prove by bragging or whatever. I don't understand why. I really don't think people should judge others on the amount of sexual partners they have had.

"and boy do they know it too."

heh, THIS is actually what I have a problem with. The arrogance and superiority. The blogosphere is rampant with wannabe "sex bloggers" - it's turning into a bit of a yawn fest actually.

Wanderlusting said...

I should add, that for all you casual-sex loving and bragging girls out there, this is not me looking down at you. Instead, it is the feeling of you looking down on me.

However way that people live their lives and whatever their choices may be, I don't think anyone (whether it be the prudes or sluts) should be judged for doing what they do (or don't do)... so as long as what they do is because they want to do it, and not because, as someone said, they have to prove a point.

Wanderlusting said...

M ~ Yes! You hit the nail on the head with that one.

Indiana said...

As M said there isn't a week that goes by without some book being released from a tell all blog about someone's sexual exploits...the important thing to remember even though mainstream media tells us otherwise people are still having the most sex with steady partners and preferring it that way.

Wombat & Aspen said...

Way to zero in on the zeitgeist, Lusty.

The motivation behind the lust is the most important question.

Brill.

myboyfriendiscrazy said...

I've seen it happen more and more, but I still think that a lot of men tend to give less respect to girls who have a ton of sexual experience. I definitely remember looking up to an older friend in high school who figured out the number of guys she'd done various things with, and I aspired to match the number before leaving high school.

Luckily, I realized that it wasn't the best way to run my life before I achieved my goal.

Sean said...

one of my favorite movie quotes is from "clueless" where cher is talking about being a virgin... "you see how picky i am about my shoes and they only go on my feet."

manda jane said...

hmmmm,one of my favorite quotes is: "That you can always excersize your right to say NO; BUT you ALWAYS have an obligation to try..."

That being said...
I have experienced both sides... being a "prude" and "spreading" for ALMOST anyone (let's face it, even if you are going to have a one night stand, or a few, you still need some sort of standard!!) and I think that it's not as BIG of a deal these days... whether you are a virgin or a slut. People these days do whatever makes them feel comfortable and THAT'S all that matters....
Why are men/women applauded for being virgins? And not as often applauded for when they are sexually active? Is that because they are looked down upon? I think that EVERYONE who is ANYONE should be applauded, sexually active or not... slut or a prude... it isn't about how many knotches you have anymore.. it's about who you truly are and whether or not you are a good person man or woman!
For me personally.... I like to have sex with my ONE partner...it's fun to know that I can be prim and proper in public.... behind closed doors.... is something he and I only know about (whether it's dirty, slutty, role playing sex or lovemaking!!)

... and do you really disclose your # to a partner? does it even matter? Nobody REALLY wants the truth anyways... cuz you can't please EVERYONE!

Wanderlusting said...

Indiana ~ it's true and M is so right. Though I read some of these "sexy" blogs and am mildly entertained, most of the time I have to wonder "Why the hell is this person patting herself on the back for all of this?". Cuz, like you say, it really is the ones in relationships that are having the most sex...therefore you think they would be the ones bragging it up moreoften.

Wombat ~ thanks:D I think you caught on to the point I was trying to make...atleast one of the points anyway, I often have a lot rolled up into one. It's not really whether they are getting around or not...it's why. It does seem there is a wave in this society that women are getting applauded for racking up their numbers. Sure, do it if you want to, and not because you think you deserve accolades. Sheesh, take up smoking while you're at it (oh wait, that was a bit 90's).

MBIC ~ Yeah, I felt that pressure too. Though, I can't imagine the pressure guys in high school/college/(life?) must go through as well to rack up as many chicks as possible. Good thing we realized not to do things for the right reasons.

Sean ~ I love that qoute and it's totally relatable.

AJ - Your honesty made me laugh out loud. I will applaud you for that. And the fact that you are a good person to boot.

manda jane said...

being platonic and dirty is fun!! BEST SEX EVER!! WOOOOHOOOO!!
whips! chains! blindfolds! HA!! It's all good!! and even though it may seem "slutty" am I really slutty?..... because I have only slept with the same person for four years.....

Maybe it's not how many people you sleep with that makes you a slut.... but what you like to do when you get the chance....
.... and if that's the case... I'm sluttin it up!!

Wanderlusting said...

Yeah, me too. We are dirty, dirrty whores.

Janellerific said...

You mean, I was supposed to keep a count?


Uh-oh.

Susanne said...

Good post. Have you read Female Chauvinist Pigs? I'm re-reading it now for my thesis, and it addresses the issue you're talking about.

Personally, I think we need to get to a place where all forms of female sexuality are legitimate and acceptable, from those who remain celibate to those who emulate Samantha Jones.

almost famous kiwi said...

Awesome entry Karina. As you know my boyfriend has had 5 times the partners I have, which sounds alot but considering how many Ive had it really isnt.
I dont feel ashamed in any way for the fact that I havent slept with a multitude of men. I did what was right for me and its worked out, I have no regrets.
Girls who feel the need to judge other girls on their sexual partners are just jealous because they have not found in all those men what you have found in so few.
We both waited a long time for the men in our lives, and I personally loved my single celibate days because it makes what ive got now so much more special. Love you girl!

Alain said...

I really enjoyed reading this blog entry and kudos to you for tackling the subject head on.

I think that it's up to each of us to decide what is right or wrong for ourselves. We should make the choices that leave us feeling good about ourselves. What you've chosen is right for you, and forget about what anyone else thinks of it.

Anyone who would criticize you for that choice doesn't really matter. Perhaps they're feeling a little guilty about the choices they've made so they want to shame you the way they've shamed themselves with the choices they've made? Tell them to eff off and go to hell.

I've always thought that people who go around bragging about their sexual escapades are lacking in self-confidence and perhaps other things.

Guys who go around bragging are so often just liars anyway. What's the "rule"? Divide a guy's claimed partners by 3 and multiply a woman's by 3?

I've had plenty of sexual adventures and rarely felt the need to go around discussing them or bragging about them. I feel that the times I've shared with another person are ours to remember and belong to nobody else but us.

As a father of a 14 year old daughter, I worry about this topic... a lot! I know she's a good kid and she will grow up, too soon for me. I just hope she doesn't ever have such low self-esteem that she attempts to boost it by being a slut. All that will do is serve to reduce it further