Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Cohabitation Conundrum

This is a post that a lot of you are not going to agree with. I can tell already because out of every single person that I know, I am the only person that feels this way.

I, for me, personally, do not believe in living together with a man before marriage. Let me rephrase that. I do not believe, for myself, that I would live with a man if I a) wasn't engaged b) didn't have an idea of where the relationship is going or even c) wasn't moving to a foreign land. If either A, B or C is met, then maybe I would reconsider my whole choice. But until then, I'm standing firm.

So, why make this choice?

Again, this is for me...not what I believe others should do. A lot of people I know cohabitate with their partners and they are happy. Sure, none of them are married or even engaged (well except one...but they already have a kid..yay AJ!) but I suppose they are all in our mid-twenties so it's kinda early.

So why then? Well, to put it simply, I love living alone. I hated having roomates and even then, atleast with a roomate you can shut your door and retreat to your room. With your partner, where the hell are you going to go when you want privacy? I love having my own schedule. I love having my own routine, where I can do my own little things, without having to bend to someone else. I love that I can sit around in my underwear, peel off my nail polish, eat a block of cheese and listen to bad music and no one can say boo. I like getting up in the morning and not have to schedule bathroom time. I like that I can throw my clothes on a pile on the floor. I like that my bathroom products have taken over my bathroom, to the extent that I can't close my cupboards.

I like the fact that not seeing my bf everyday makes it all the more sweeter when I do see him. I like having the chance to miss him (and I especially like that he can miss me).

And I like the fact, that one day when I do get married, I will have enjoyed my single life fully, having experienced what its like to live alone and that I got the most out of it. After all, once you are married, you can't turn back (unless you divorce, but who wants that). Once married you have YOUR WHOLE FREAKIN LIFE to live with the other person. Why rush into that before marriage? And doesn't moving in together for marriage, make marriage that much more new and exciting?



Here are some other downsides that I think about cohabition: a) A lot of couples become bored and complacent. They think, "What's the point of getting married? We're practically married already." b) As if a breakup isn't hard enough, now you have to find a new place to live! c) A lot of people do it for the wrong reasons... such as saving on rent ("Well, we are each other's places most of the time anyway and it would be cheaper")

Now I think I've screwed myself over for taking such an unpopular stance and for being, what I've been told, a bit naive. My own boyfriend does not agree with me. Having lived with a girl for four years before, he knows what its like to really get to know someone. I have not lived with someone, therefore I do not know the dynamics of what happens when you live together. Apparently, the relationship changes A LOT. This is probably why most people who live together DON'T make it to marriage. They get to really know the other person. And they don't like it. However, I also believe that you can learn just as much about someone without having to invade their single lives.

So there you go. I believe what I believe, and my bf believes that he wouldn't even consider marriage unless he lived with a girl beforehand.

Sometimes, I wish I did share the popular view. On the otherhand, if both people are happy having their own lives and having their own opinions on it, then what's the rush? Maybe that's a problem too. A lot of people rush into cohabitation thinking that it's the "next" step for them.

I do have to point something out though. There were a few studies conducted about couples who live together before marriage:

In theory, living together should help the odds, right? It should help prevent some bad marriages from ever occuring - shouldn't it?

Here's the surprising catch: for more than a decade, sociologists have measured that people who have cohabitated before marriage divorce more, not less.

According to this blog, which examines the most famous of the studies, there are several interesting factors about this study that was done.

1. It turns out that couples who moved in together with the full-intent of marrying - maybe they were even engaged - do not divorce more than those who never cohabitated.

2.But couples who moved in together because it was convenient, or because they felt they needed a trial period - those are the ones who tend to get divorced more often. Why didn't this filter work? Well, many couples who "try it out" do break up before marrying, but many of them also just follow the path of inevitability. They had reservations, but they get acclimated to those, and they believe they can live with it. They pretend, "It won't be a problem." Many couples who get divorced will tell you, "The warning signs were there, I just didn't think it would be a problem." So many of these couples "try it out" and ignore the evidence, if you will. They marry anyway, and somewhere down the road they realize "yup, it's a problem." This could be as mild-mannered as a personality conflict, or as major as alcoholism, or somewhere in between - like sexual compatibility.

Similarly, there are other websites(this one being straightforward and simple)who evaluate and answer this suprising fact. One site**** even has a panel of experts dissecting the question why the risk? More sources, such as CNN, Psychology Today and various universities also examine this hot and surprising topic. If you feel the need to butt heads with me, I suggest you visit these sights and read up on it a bit first.

So, while there is a ton you people out there who live with their significant others, or did live, I ask you...how many of you are married now? And if you did get married, did you find that living together before worked...or are you divorced? Do you think it doesn't matter? And if you don't live together, why?


****Sorry, link was wrong. This is the right one.

74 comments:

Wombat & Aspen said...

Count me in for your way of thinking, Lusty.

Having done the live-in thing, I know that it makes guys lazy. Why go the extra step, when everything you want is right there anyway?

Marriage and living together go together,

Singledom and solo living make it even better.

Wanderlusting said...

THANK YOU!

Kass said...

God! I am so conflicted on this one. I mean, I so get where you're coming from with the space thing, and the separation makes the heart grow fonder, but I do think there are some things you miss out on when you dont live with someone before engagement/marriage, things you can't see that you could gain from when you're just living by yourself (or even with flatmates). Bjorn and I live together and have done for most of our relationship, and guess what? This has actually made our relationship stronger. I still miss him when he's not there, and still grin like an idiot after not seeing him for even half an hour, but I guess that has to do with me being an idiot in love, rather than relationships working out for the better after living together. I still have piles of clothes strewn all over the room, I could still eat blocks of cheese if I wanted, or you know, fart in bed or whatever lol. Bathroom routines are non-existent, I mean wtf? You only need one of those if you have the family the size of the brady bunch, or of course if you're lesbian and both females like preening for three hours at a time. Its only the initial "moving in together" phase thats tricky, when you're getting used to each others routines, but that quickly passes. I want to get married, and I would rather find out more about the person I'm marrying, and how they live, than find out after marriage, that we dont gel that well afterall.

But you know, good for you for sticking to what you believe it, I think thats the most important thing of all :)

Wanderlusting said...

Kass - It sounds great from the way you describe it and I'm glad you are in the type of relationship that is growing. And I don't know any females who don't like living with their loved ones.

My beef is... when you look down the line at marriage (waaaay down the line), it's not really up to the woman, is it? It's not the women who get lazy...heck, I'm sure thing would be different if we were the ones in charge of proposing (that said, I know I would probably never get married if that were the case!)...it's the men who are think that moving in together is the best way to prove their commitment without actually having to commit. Get their cake and eat it too.

Rachel said...

I am conflicted.
When I am in love I want the person with me more. How much more and how much space to provide them are the tricky parts.
I would like to be an example to my son and not live together until marriage but I have had 2 male room mates (platonic) that had their own rooms. I wonder if that makes a difference.

Wanderlusting said...

Hehe, nah I don't think that makes a difference. But it is a very conflicting scenario.

It's interesting now that I think about all this, when my dad asked my motherto move in with him, she gave him an ultimatum "If you do not know whether you want to marry me or not within 6 months, I am moving out and not looking back." She was prepared to leave him instead of wasting her time on a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. Plus, she had been living on her own for like 8 years by this time.

It was a gamble that could have backfired, but it worked for her.

jLow said...

I also agree with your stance on this particular issue. My first marriage happened the old fashioned way - we didn't move in until the wedding invitations had gone out. Coincidence that my lease ran out 3 weeks before the wedding date. Was it hard to do it that way? Absolutely. It was hard financially to maintain separate households and pay for a wedding (that somehow took on a life of its own and at 'I do' cost about $18,000). It was hard emotionally because I was working full time and trying to plan a wedding by myself in the big city.

But I wouldn't change anything about it - - being married now with a 2 year old, I sooooooo appreciate the time I had (about 12 years) to live by myself and make all the rules and decisions by myself. If I wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day on Saturday and not vacuum until the next week, guess what??!!! I could because IT WAS MY HOUSE!!!

Stick to your guns - there is time enough to be under the same roof with "compromise" being the most prominent word in the house.

Kass said...

Thats a very cynical view of men lol. My boyfriend can be lazy, sure, but so can I. I'm probably far more lazy than him lol But what I dont get is the way women complain about their lazy men, when really, your men wouldn't be so lazy if you didnt let them be that way. If they step out of line, dont do their share of the dishes, dont do the laundry, then give them hell! Women only complain about these things after spending the first several months of their live-in relationship running around after their man, so whose fault is it when it all turns to shit and you have a problem with it? I can't say its completely the womens fault, cause sure, men are USUALLY lazy, but geez, if you hand it to them on a silver platter, of course they're going to take it and abuse it! Women can benefit from living with a man aswell (as in he pays all the bills an rent) so I dont think its a one way street :)

Shrimp on the Barbie said...

LOL and ARRRRGGGG and WHAAAAAA to the whole post!

Back when I lived in OZ, I moved in with my boy (EX-boy I should say). We had been together for about 10 months at this time. I thought that by moving in with him, our relationship would be one step closer to the next step.

Guess how long I lived with him before realizing that he was a "lazy" bastard? Three years! THREE WHOLE YEARS of sharing toothpaste and toilet paper and listening to him snore and so on and it all amounted to bloody nothing.

Finally, I said to him, "Um, so where is this relationship going?"
To which he replied, "Why get married? What's going to change? It's just a piece of paper. Why do you want to ruin what we have? Why can't we just live together? Isn't this enough? I'm too lazy. I don't want to rush things. Let's talk about this later."

My BIGGEST regreat was that I didn't ask "so, does moving in mean that you want this relationship to go the distance?"
If only I had asked that, I wouldn't have wasted three years of my life in which I would have been happily sitting in MY OWN HOME, happily keeping him on his toes...instead I am in Brazil because, FUCK THIS SHIT I had to find a new place to live.

Done rantin'. And good for you for being stubborn. There is nothing wrong then being different from the Status Quo

Kass said...

PS: My boyfriend is half asian, and therefore quite tidy/considerate/ not a typical dirty male (hello stereotype? lol) So maybe my view cant be taken as the norm :P

Wanderlusting said...

Kass - hehe, no I didn't mean LAZY lazy. Fuck, I'm the laziest person on Earth, I kid you not! You will not meet a lazier person than I.

I just meant lazy as in how Wombat said lazy:

" Having done the live-in thing, I know that it makes guys lazy. Why go the extra step, when everything you want is right there anyway? "

Kass said...

Oh I getcha. But what if you were living with the male and not having sex with him? Do you think he'd still have the same stand point? What is that argument really about??

dan said...

Interesting blog topic. I must say I'm surprised at your stance, most ladies I know are dying to move in with their lovers. Your fella is pretty lucky to have a lady who is not going to invade his space and cramp his style.

As "wombat" said: I am also guilty of asking a woman to move in with me. We lived together for a few years until I had to break it up. I just wanted her daily companionship without having to resort to marriage and, in the end, she caught on to this. I think a lot of men do this; hoping that they can stretch it out for as long as they can. But then again, that may just be my way of thinking, and I am in no way a typical man.

Wanderlusting said...

Barbie - Yeah, I know that if that happened to me, I too would jump country and go live overseas.

dan - I guess maybe it would have helped if you didn't lead the woman on? Told her, hey move in but that's all I can offer you for now. I think if men did that, before dragging the woman down a dead-end road, a lot of people wouldn't, cohabit. Oh, and I don't mean to be sexist. I'm sure there are reverse situations ou there too.

Kass- I don't know...what argument are you talking about? SO befuddled. Where is my coffee?

Kass said...

Sorry, I like to fiddle about with questions and confuse people lol. Oy vey, keep the coffee away. I am trying desperately hard to stay away from sugar today, altho watch me as I race to the slurpee machine at lunch - doh!

dan said...

It's not that I led her on. Ask any man that has lived with their girlfriends and they will tell you the same. I loved her and wanted to be with her. It's that once we lived together, I realized that I was content with my level of commitment to her. It was a nice balance between being there for her and not having to take the huge step of marriage. Did I know from the beginning that I would not marry her? Perhaps. But I knew that there was a slim chance I could change my mind.

To put it simply, I loved her enough to live with her, not enough to live with her for the rest of my life. Unfortunately for a lot of wishful thinking ladies out there, I'm not alone in thinking this.

Anonymous said...

What Dan says is bothering me and probably because I think it's true.
I lived with the love of my life for a very, very long time--I'm talking over four years. We had to break up for a period because I had the feeling that he had no intention of marrying me. We then talked it threw and, sorry to say, I did have to give him a choice. If he didn't want to marry me by now, he never would and I was ready to find someone who would.

He didn't like this "ultimatum" of mine and said he wanted things to stay the same. In fact, he didn't even believe in marriage. So we broke up.

I think what dan said is true. He loved me enough to live with me, not enough to marry me. He kept putting the inevitable off so that we could stay in this happy bubble. Only he was the only happy one in it.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
I don't agree with the studies, not just because they counter my personal view, but also because I think the methods are fallacious and the results are flawed. The way I see it, people who don't believe in living together before marriage have a 'stronger' conviction about it than those who don't and are thereby less likely to throw in the towel. Not to say that those who advocate living together first don't hold marriage as sacred or important, but rather that a couple entering into a union with the mindset that is not of the societal 'norm' (ie. that living together before marriage is both acceptable and good sense) are, by nature, at an advantage when it comes to making marriage work--and it may well be that they are well miserable the entire time. In this respect, the studies show that people who have strong convictions about marriage are more likely to see it through than those who don't...much as would be expected in any arena where a couple with a conviction is pitted against one without. Also, not everyone who lives together gets married-- if these people who decided to go their separate ways before marriage had been in the choosing-not-to-live-together-before-marriage camp, then I think the the numbers would change dramatically and the claims would be exactly the opposite; that not moving in together before marriage yields a greater risk of divorce.

fantabulous brit said...

I too am torn on this.

I had a long-term relationship that was great. We lived together and it good because we both had no expectations. We never thought about the future and I never expected marriage out of us living together...this could be because I was only 23 and he was 24. At that age when you live together, marriage is something fuzzy in the distance.

Hence, we broke up, as people do. Not because we lived together, but maybe because we were too young? And he was cheating on me.

Now, I choose to live with my current byf because I know that it will lead to marriage sooner or later. We had a talk about it so there will be no misunderstandings. I had to make sure that we were on the same page so that I'm not fooling myself.

Unless he was just saying that to shut me up.

Anywaysy, enjoy living on your own. Cherish it! Because it is awfully scary when you are faced with having to share a bed forever and ever.

Anonymous said...

So maybe the argument here is not about those who get divorced but about WHY people choose to live together in the first place.

Those who believe that living together is vital for marriage will most likely get divorced if they marry without living together first, just as someone who doesn't agree with it, will probably get divorced if she has to live with them before marriage.

Maybe it's your personal beliefs that cause these results? And if it is, is there anyway to compromise without sacrificing something you feel strongly about?

I still think dan is on the ball about this. The truth hurts.

Wanderlusting said...

Ross - Right, well you can't argue with science, so don't try.

I understand what you are saying though, it probably has a lot to do with personal convictions about marriage that test whether a marriage will last or not. It makes sense to me that a person who staves off living together in order to make a marriage work will be better at making a marriage work than someone who couldn't give a fuck.

Unfortunately, and this is a whole other topic, I think that most people (men) don't give a fuck.

Can, open. Worms, everywhere.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
Ahhh, now I see why marriages don't work...coz men are involved.
As for the other, I don't argue with science, just the way that it is sometimes practised, especially if that leads to misrepresentation of truth. The reason I don't consider the studies valid is not because I'm not of the same opinion, but rather that I think that the methodology is far from sound.

almost famous kiwi said...

Marriages dont work because people are lazy, people get married expecting movie love and get a big shock when the first and second and one hundredth hurdle comes in, most dont even wait to get over the 5th hurdle before saying "oh, i made a mistake THEY arent my soul mate, I'll divorce and look for what i deserve" and those people end up alone, cos guess what, the fairy tale is a lie! So in that context i dont believe those "scientific" surveys are correct, they post the answers they want because thats how they get paid.
When it comes to living together its between you and your partner, its nothing to do with statistics or anyone else. You are either able to live together or not. Just because you wait till marriage doesnt mean you have a better chance at staying together.
It's all about attitude, you either go into the relationship saying that you are going to jump every hurdle together or you go into it with a naiive attitude. One will make you happy, the other will not.
And this isn't about "men" and "woman" either, woman love to blame men as being the problem but as harsh as i am being on my sex I can say that woman create alot of relationship problems out of irrationality and fear.
If two people get married and then live together they can still get bored with eachother eg my parents. And there are many who lived together before marriage and end up having the strongest relationships. There is no right or wrong in general, just a right and wrong personally.

Wanderlusting said...

While that may be true, there hasn't yet been a study proving the opposite.

I'm talking about marriages not working because men are involved.

Anyway, this blog is three-fold:

1) is that I'm stating my personal belief for my personal reasons (ie, like living on my own and eating blocks of cheese in private, don't want to waste my time, etc)

2) is that in many instances, living together DOESN'T lead to marriage because men get lazy, and as someone at lunch just said, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free

3)There are studies done and a whole wealth of information concerning something that doesn't hold well with popular opinion. Sure, the studies might be flawed, or they might not be, but the point is: this is what studies show, contrary to popular belief. It's great fodder for argument.

Wanderlusting said...

Anon and Kiwi ~ this is true. It is about your own beliefs when you go into a marriage, rather than anything else. If you believe that it will work best for you if you live on your own before marriage, good for you. Stay true to your beliefs and it will work out. If you believe the opposite, good for you too. Of course, good luck when these two beliefs contradict each other. The you are kinda screwed.

Kiwi ~ Since you lived with your first love and now you live apart, I would like to hear the differences in that. What made you move out (aside from brotherly love) and do you like living on your own better? Or not?

Kass said...

< insert ranty stuff here to contradict lusty's blog > ranty mcrant rant!

Wanderlusting said...

Awww, but I love Ranty McRant Rant

Wanderlusting said...

Ah, I was looking for this:

"a fundamental difference in the way men and women perceive cohabitation: Women tend to view it as a step before marriage to that partner, whereas men tend to see living together as something they do before making any commitment. Are men really less committed than we think? And how much might that affect the strength of the future marriage."

rant rant rant.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
While there may not be a study to prove the opposite, I consider the studies in question to be proof of nothing. I could undertake a study about anything and let my results show whatever I wanted if I left out some important factors during the process. Not to say it was intentional, or that the results were purposely fudged, but in my mind, the studies relinquish all scientific value because of the incomplete nature of the methodology and thereby relinquish any chance of being fodder in this discussion. That said, the topic itself does make for a good argument, as does implying women are tireless workhorses constantly seeking to better the relationship through effort, while all men are lazy bums with commitment issues.

Amanda said...

This was a very well-researched blog, especially with all the links [you really have a point to prove, lol]. I especially liked this qoute [from Ivillage].

'After our honeymoon, I carried my wife over the threshold: into our new lives and our new roles. For the first eight months or so, we'd find ourselves sitting on the couch in our pajamas thinking, "I can't believe you don't have to catch a cab home now." It's still pretty fun living together. And yes, it still feels pretty special.'

Hubby and I lived together before marrying [and it was great!] so I can't argue for one way or the other. However, it was only for a year [got engaged a few months in]. although I can see both sides of the argument, we hadn't lived together all that long before, so that what that man above said still rings pretty true. It is a lot of fun. Good luck!

dan said...

LOLOL. Can't argue with that!

Wanderlusting said...

"women are tireless workhorses constantly seeking to better the relationship through effort, while all men are lazy bums with commitment issues."

Who's arguing?

Wanderlusting said...

JINX!

Shrimp on the Barbie said...

Not to start a men Suck & women Blow debate (the answer: both are true) but ever notice how its the girlies that L-O-V-E living with them guys? I'd be surprised if you could find one to say "ACTUALLY, I HATE living with my guy." Of course women are in favor of livin' with their men. They LOVE their men just as I LOVED mine. Love makes you blind and STUPID.
Aside from the guy who hates women and the guy who sounds prentencious, the only true "male" opinion we have here is from a fellow Aussie. So while I like what he says, I want to snarl at his comments because...he's an Aussie male. But I read his blog therefore must digress...he's not typical.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
Yeah, I hate that pretentious guy

Wanderlusting said...

Really? I love pretentious guy. And ranty mcrant rant.

Ranty McRant Rant said...

RANT RANT RANT RANT ERR RANT RANT ON SOME MORE AND THEN SOME MORE AFTER THAT AND AFFINTIY ONWARDS TO THE END OF TIME

RANTY MCRANT RANT said...

OH AND RANTY MCRANT RANT CANT SPELL BECAUSE HE DONT LIKE TO BE SO CLEVER AND STUFF SO DAMN YEAH

Wanderlusting said...

Well, if you had said Infinity, I would have thought you were talking about your car.

ranty mcrant rant said...

IF YOU COULD SEE THE WAY I DRIVE YOU'D BE THANKFUL THAT I DONT.

DUDE.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to say this but it sounds like your going to have some trouble down the line. bUT If this is what you truly want, don't compromise that. You'll eventually find someone that shares the same views and morals as you.

Wanderlusting said...

Anon ~ I guess it depends on what your definition of what "trouble" is.

Wait, are you talking to me or Ranty?

ranty mcrant rant said...

YES I AM GOING TO HAVE SOME TROUBLE BECAUSE I AM ILITERATE (SP?) LOLZ

Anonymous said...

Trouble in the sense that if you and your partner do not share the same values and opinions when it comes to marriage, a successful union is highly unlikely, as RossandJeff, Brit, Almost Famous and a few others- have pointed out here.

Then again, if you carry on this way, there will probably be no union to speak of anyway. Fine, if you don't want it. But "trouble" if you do.

Get it?

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
Did I say that?

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I realize I sound malicious. I don't mean to rag on you or anything. It's just your convictions are strong, your writing is honest and you are putting yourself out there on the line where you will inevitably get hurt. Believe me, I've been there and I know what it;s like to get your heart broken because of something that could have been fixed, could have been realized, early on in the relationship. I'm just afraid that because you don't wish to "waste your time" that will end up wasting it in the end when it all comes up empty.

Honestly though, I mean no harm here and don't want to be negative. I don't know you, don't know anything about your relationships or anything! Jus thought I would put in MO. I wish you the best of luck in all of this.

Kass said...

You dont mean harm, and it probably wont be taken, but your "opinions" sound like pity to me, which I dont think is what lusty wanted when she wrote this entry?

Of course, that is just my opinion lol.

Kass said...

Oh, and I think green is the new black.

Wanderlusting said...

Anon ~ while I appreciate your opinion and your concern, I'm really not too concerned. Maybe I should be, but I'm sure I'll find that out sooner or later.

Yeah, maybe I will end up wasting my time but I'll cross that road when I come to it. In the meantime, I'm having a blast and enjoying my life. No harm in that, is there? Sure, we should all worry about our futures and where are lives are going, and believe me, I think about it all the time. But I also think we should stop and appreciate where we are right now . And I'm happy where I am.

Kass ~ I would agree with you, except that I am the new black.

Kass said...

You're far too white to be the new black lol.

Indiana said...

I agree with you, having once lived with someone for "the rent" I would never do it again...I won't have flatmates, for nearly all the reasons you state, but would if engaged consider it...but only if I knew we really had a future and both really wanted to be together.

So I think you are nto alone in yoru thinking...I know the saying is "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" but the truth is I want to buy the cow.

Wanderlusting said...

Indy ~ thanks for your support. It's nice to know that I am not alone in thinking this way and especially nice to hear it from a guy who "wants the cow" hehe.

CarrieBradshaw said...

I do agree with you. But we all have to do what is right for us and I think no one can say anything is right or wrong. I was married, I did not live with him before marriage but I certianly don't think that had anything to do with the end of the marriage. I would probably live with someone before I got married but I don't say I have to live with someone before getting married.

All the things you love like throwing your clothes on the floor can still happen, sure there are comprimises but you will both comprimise because you love and respect eachother and want to make the other happy.

Anonymous said...

Noticing you have more support from all (or almost all) the men than all the women. An interesting social study that is. Could it be because women don't like to hear the truth (as anonymous said) about where their relationship is not going?

To Shrimp Barbie or whatever the Hell your name is: I do not hate women. I am merely being honest. Had I loved her enough to marry her than I would have, no doubt about it. I'm just expressing my opinion, which seems to gibe with a lot of men's opinion. The End.

manders said...

Wanderlusting- I think you should follow what you believe in. Like someone commented before, there is no right or wrong way, living w/ your significant other before/after marriage won't always mean you are sure to be divorced/live happily ever-after. Your personal cohabitation views are perfectly reasonable and normal. You have to live your life as you. Along the way, especially when in a relationship you will obviously have to compromise some of your ways, and same with your partner. If you are being pressured to move in and it is not agreeing with your beliefs, and the partner doesn't understand your view, perhaps it is time to reevaluate what everyone is in the relationship for. What do you want out of it? Where do you see it going? Why do you need to move in? What's wrong with living independent, especially while still young? Etc...

I have to agree though, if something is going well the way it is, why be in a rush to change it? Yet, when do you know it is really time to make the move in together? Behind those thick love goggles, how can you be sure you are making the right decision?

manders said...

heavy topic, girl

Wanderlusting said...

Manders ~ thanks! Those are some good points you have...and yes, it is quite heavy. I wasn't prepared for so many different opinions.

Thankfully though, I am under no pressure to do anything. After all, I just bought a freaking apartment! I've only lived here for three months so there is no way I would move outta here for atleast a few years...and even then, where would I go? Where the hell would you move to in Vancouver if you already live in the most desirable part of the city? Like I said before, I'm young, living downtown in my own bachelor pad (just like you)...this is our time to enjoy being independent.

Vegas Princess said...

I actually agree with you. I only lived with my husband after we got engaged and that was because we could not afford to live alone. I believe in seperate space. Even now, as a married couple, we have our own places and our own time to do things we want. Just because I am amrried does not mean I lost my individuality. I can not stand it when people feel they have to do EVERYTHING as a couple. I am my own person, outside of being married. Sometimes I like to be alone sometimes I enjoy company. Now I am not saying I do not love to do things with my husband, I do. But occassionally I enjoy being on my own.

Vegas Princess said...

I meant our own places in our house we go to. Not our own places. I read that back and it sounds like we are living in two different places! :) Sorry!

Ash said...

Manders is totally right.
No study can tell you what's going to happen in your life! It's YOUR life for crying out loud. If moving in or not moving, is or isn't your thing, then don't do it. Relationships are about compromise and they don't involve anyone but the two people having the relationship. Whatever you chose, it's your choice. Live your life your way and not how some survey told you to live it!
Good Luck....

Matt H said...

If you move in with someone because of how things WILL be not how things are RIGHT NOW then of course things are going to go to shit because you're trying to live a fantasy. I will say that women are worse than men at living in a fantasy world, especially when it comes to relationships (bitter experience). Whether or not this has any relevance to this topic I don't know, but I suspect delusion is often mutual around this topic.

Overall I recommend the selfish path- do only what is right for you, right now. If thats moving in with someone, fine; if not, then don't. If the other person doesn't like it, they always have the choice of moving on. Its a free world.

RANTY MCRANT RANT said...

ranty

RANTY MCRANT RANT said...

mcrant

RANTY MCRANT RANT said...

rant!

Wanderlusting said...

Haha, getting there.

Shrimp on the Barbie said...

DAN?ANONYMOUS or whatever YOUR name is. You express your opinion, I expressed mine. Ya did sound like a bit of a woman hater going on the way did, specially when you say "women dont wanna hear the truth about where there relationship is not going" Thats not cool. But what do I know? Im not cool either.

Any way, I stand by my opions.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
I stand by my pretenses.

Wanderlusting said...

And I stand by my past tenses

Wanderlusting said...

YAY! 69!! Huzaah!

Ok, no one comment after this. If you feel the need to comment on the aforementioned subject (the blog, not doing a 69...though I welcome those comments too), please comment on the post after this one. DO NOT ruin my 69 mojo ;)

Anonymous said...

70!

Wanderlusting said...

Boooooooooo.

Anonymous said...

71 comments and I can't believe that no one touched on what I think an undeniable truth applying to this whole thing.

Women like to take care of people, its their biological instinct. If you're living with a man; you're probably making him dinner, cutting his toenails, doing his laundry, etc., a whole lot more often than if you didn't live with him (exempting myself from any backlash "I help around the house!", the men cry). I've lived with my bf's before, and I can say that the give side, of the give and take scale always weighed more heavily on my side. I paid for everything when that one's "back broke", no he didn't apply for worker's comp, no he didn't go after his last paycheque or any kind of severance. When this one wanted to chase his dream of being a painter and getting together 30 paintings, I still begrudgingly headed off to the office, only letting my scowl appear after I left. All for love.

But, this could just be my personality, right?

Wanderlusting said...

Interesting...

..if you were to apply your way of thinking to me, then perhaps I'm not so keen on the living together thing because I can barely take care of myself let alone a guy. And I don't think I would want to "take care" of a guy. Not only do I think that most guys can take care of themselves, and then some... but who needs the responsibility? But that's my personality...I'm the unresponsible type.

Ask any of my plants.

No wait. You can't. They are all dead.

c j. said...

wanderlusting, your post is dead on. i am single and often wanderlusting (some times even about stopping my singledom) and i completely agree with your abcs. the way i see it, living together without a valid marriage license has all of the disadvantages of doing it when married yet none of the benefits.