Monday, September 25, 2006

Fear and (self) Loathing in Vancouver

So, I realize that my dramatic post yesterday was a result of a hangover from hell. But guess what? I'm still hungover today, still feeling like shit and still wishing I could crawl under a rock and die. So you can guess what that means. More depressing dramarama from yours truly.

It all started this morning. Ever had this happen to you?

You wake up the next day and for a second or two, before your groggy mind can process anything, you think that everything is right with the world.

And suddenly it hits you that, no not everything is right with the world, in fact, your whole world has been turned upside down into one big pile of shit.

I've had many of these moments throughout my life and this morning was no exception.
I realized what transpired over the weekend and what it means for me. Frankly, I'm not sure exactly what it does mean for me and that's probably what fills me with stench of fear. That, or I forgot to put on deoderant in my numb state.

The thing is, I knew that this was going to happen. I was happy for once and content in my life and where it was going. Hell, I was waking up with a smile on my face every morning and thanking the Lord for a beautiful day. I was having the greatest time of my life. But, whenever something is going right in my life, there is always something that comes along and ruins it. Of course, like this time and most times, that something is me.

Which brings me to my self-loathing stage. I don't know how long I plan on staying in this stage, beating myself up over things that can't be undone. I don't like this pity party but since there is no one else to blame, I can't help it. Everything was going so well...

But yes, thanks to me, I've probably undid all the good things I've ever done, whether it be in the last 2 weeks or 8 months or whichever, and I've obliterated a lot of happiness from my life. These facts then lead to self-loathing and the question: why, when the going was so good, did I have to throw it all away? Why the hell did I have to be such a fuck-up?

Anyhoo, sorry about this pity party post but I'm obviously still upset. Which is silly since really it's Ross who should be upset (and is and probably will be for awhile). I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me when they really should be feeling sorry for him. Well, not sorry for him, because no one wants pity, but if anything I deserve a few public kicks in the crotch and not the sympathy I have received. But at the same time, I don't feel like I have the right to just shake this off and move on. I need to feel like shit for a while.

I am going out for a good-bye dinner with him and his parents tonight. Although common sense tells me to stay at home and give him time and space, I want to go because I didn't get to say goodbye to them yesterday, and I dont want them to leave with the impression of me as an Ozzy Osburne Zombie. And I don't want to further undue any good impressions I may have made (although I'm not sure any of my impressions have been good, especially when all they are going to remember is that I drive like an idiot, shake like Ozzy and have a crazy mother). Anyway, I'm looking forward to some groveling, followed by a touch of awkwardness, distantness and small talk (all of which I deserve and understand). Probably will need a drink to take off the edge. OH WAIT. I can't do that.

Anyways, I'm done. I know it can't be too much fun to read these self-loathing posts (unless you are trying to feel better about yourself, and if thats the case, then enjoy), but I promise that my next post will be about whales. Whales??? Whales!!!


Fantabulous Brit said...

Here comes the kick in the crotch!
No dear i think youve had enough kicks to your crotch today. Lets look at this from a realistic pov. Life is full of tests. Relationships are part of life. Your relationship is being tested, to see if it is strong enough to overcome this hiccup. You can feel as much shame as you want, but dont feel fear. If his feelings for you change because of this then his feelings werent strong in the first place.

Take it from me, its best you find this out now, then down the line when your partner sleeps with your sister and you have to get divorced and share your ferret. Believe me.

Susan said...

why do we hurt the ones we love? hurting the person you love most is the worst feeling in the world. it hurts them and it hurts you. I would hate to be in either of your shoes.I think you feel bad enough for the both of you. shake it off and chin up. *hugs*

amanda jane said...

if I kick you in the crotch will you like it??? because I won't do it otherwise....

chin up my dear!! NO MORE SELF PITY!!

YOU WILL SURVIVE IT!! And if you don't.... well of coarse you will!

YOU will be fine, and YOU will get through it... and if you are free tonight... I am too.....

WAIT, nevermind, you are not so free so scratch that, but if you need someone to talk to... then talk to me!!

What's that? Whales?I LOVE WHALES!!

Ash said...

I'm probably the last person you want to hear from but i just wanted to say that " everything will be fine!".
Go out to dinner and see Ross' parents off, they are apart of your life too and you deserve to see them before they go back to Scotland. It's not like they live down the road in WhiteRock. Things with Ross might be awkward but you could always call him in advance and try to talk about it, or ask to talk about it after dinner with him.
Either way you have to stop beating yourself up over this. When things are going good in your life it's because you deserve to be happy! That constant feeling that the rug is going to be lifted from under your feet is self doom. So change your attitude and start believing that you are a great person with a lot to offer and that you have the right to be happy and worry-free. When things are going great in your life, think to yourself...damn right and they are just going to get better!
Goodluck, Ross is a fair guy and he will want to talk this out, he cares about you and loves you and this will iron itself out.
You just have to be patient.

Ash said...

Besides...It's only been, what, a day and a half? Things never get resolved that quickly. Give yourself some time. Just think, by this time next week how happy and normal you'll feel and you will!

almost famous kiwi said...

I just have a few things to say hun, firstly I love you, and I have myself done some very embarrassing things whilst drunk, like the time I got jealous when alex was talking to a friend of ours and I got so drunk I preceeded to run home in that famous Johnny depp way in Pirates of the Carribean. Aman and alex still like to mimic the run from time to time.

But the main thing I want to say to you is that this is what a relationship is. sometimes its hard and then theres those moments when things are going so well that you cant believe it, and then of course you do something to screw it up. But then you talk, you cry and you compromise and that is the essence of dating. This pattern will occur numberous times throughout the relationship because its just plain human nature.

Don't beat yourself up for being a human, sure you made a mistake but its not like you did something that will cause major emotional pain, and clearly you werent thinking straight at the time. Just talk about it with him, try to do it before the dinner, you dont have to resolve anything right away but just mentioning it may help.

If this relationship is strong enough to go the distance, and if Ross loves you in the way that you deserve then I guarrantee you'll be laughing about this in no time. Keep smiling, cos there is always a plan, and you are never alone!

Anonymous said...

My lady freaked on me tghe other night. She freaks out pretty much all the time. You freak out once and think your the worst person alive. I still love my girl despite the things she does. I accept it because we all have our faults. im not perfect either, why would i get mad at her because she isnt. I look past it and forgive her and i mean it. i dont hold a grduge, i dont try and make her feel bad for it and i dont cut her out of my life. i made a commitment to her and i will keep it. Unfortunately a lot of guys arent like me, they get too insecure and afraid to stick aroun. i wish u the best.

Wanderlusting said...

Ah, this is nice. Apparently the parents know all about the fight and my freak out. And so now they must realize I'm a psycho. There goes what little pride and dignity I had left. Fantastic.
Ah, who am I kidding, I'm sure that most people know im nuts the moment they set eyes on me. Why else do people run away when they see me coming.

Janellerific said...

Listen, I'm going to offer you something I never offer to ANYONE...if after a few days this hasn't blown over, I will let you shave Jeff's mom's back with me.

jLow said...

Been there, done that.

Who hasn't?

Trust me, you're thinking worse of yourself than anyone else is . . . see off the parents and offer sincere apologies to Ross (and glowstick girl if you can find her).

Love your blog!

Anonymous said...

As a man I will say something to stick up for your bf. You may be hurting but don't forget he is too. I've had this happen to me and its never fun. it sucks. Its obvious you know how bad he feels or else you wouldnt feel it too. All yu can do is be there if he needs you, give him space to think and sort out his feelings for you. but he get over these things and you will too. I dont know any couples who dont have these problems.

almost famous kiwi said...

I like blue :) it's a pretty colour