Sober & Disorderly

Proof that you can still get into trouble even when you are sober:

Above is my friend Princess Leanne and I. We usually get in trouble when we go out together and last night was no exception.

I guess it started with the taxi ride to the club. I've never screamed in a taxi cab before but I guess there is a first time for everything. The cab driver laughed as we thought up our epitaphs: She died how she lived...in a taxi cab.

We went to a bar first called the Railway Club. I've been there before to see an Ex play in his band but wasn't too impressed. Tonight there were a few more bands playing, no one I had heard of (which doesn't say much) so I was reluctant to fork over the 10$ cover. Luckily Princess Leanne's cousin took care of my tab for the whole night which wasn't a problem.

Inside we met up with a few friends of mine, ate some crap, decided it sucked and made our way to the Kingston Pub. I had a good time there before so I figured it would be a good place to go.

It was a good place to go, if only we weren't served by the biggest beyatch of a waitress. Because the 8 of us were seated in 2 back to back booths, there was a lot of back and forth between us. Then someone said something funny and laughter insued.

Moments later the waitress came by and told us to keep it down. The manager was apparently mad and we were getting her in trouble. This was a nice establishment (so no having fun!) and we had to be considerate of the other patrons...older folks and such. We looked around. It was 12:30 AM on a Friday night, in a loud pub. Were we just told to shut up?

The funniest thing was, everytime someone switched a table or laughed or whatever, she would shoot us a dirty look. I noticed most of the dirty looks were directed at me. Me as I'm sipping on two Diet Cokes, the only sober person of the night.

The lesson here? It doesn't matter if you are drunk or not. You can still be tossed out of a pub. Needless to say, I hope she enjoyed her tip.

*Sigh* Trouble just follows me wherever I go.

***
Thanks for your suggestions guys. Even though I am a bit of a loner and do like to spend nights with me myself and I, there is something to be said about staying home on a Friday night. When you gotta go out, you gotta go out. As for Saturday, thanks to the wonderful support from my dear friends, every Saturday from now on will be Girls Night. The best way to maximize being young, a woman and living in the most beautiful city in the world.

Twinkie in the City

What's a girl to do?

I am living in a sweet bachelor pad in downtown Vancouver.

I am alone, for the first time in a long time, on a Friday night.

If I sit at home and have a personal night, I am guaranteed to mope about (as I am at the moment). Therefore, I must do something.

But what?

No time for losers

...cuz we are the champions...of the world.

Ok maybe we aren't champions of the world, but we are atleast the champions of the damn NBA Live 07 team-building extravaganza. Turns out that despite my fussing and my hesitation, my team, Pierre and the Hells Yes Posse, actually won the event. I had little to do with it. Or maybe because it was the team with the only girl on it.

Nah, I had little to do with it.

Started off with a nice BBQ on one of the several roofdecks of the building. Awesome view of...Burnaby. But anyway, did you know that besides the basketball court and the football (soccer) pitch, we have a SAND volleyball court? Beach volleyball at work, how awesome is that? Well, it would be more awesome if those damn volleyballs didn't hurt so much.

Anyway, after we were filled with meat, we took a break and met in our teams on the pitch. First task: take 6 sticks and make equalateral triangles out of them. I suck at math so I just watched them do it. Anyway, we got bonus points for making an 8 sided 3-D model.

Then we had to make the tallest structure possible, without holding onto it, out of pipecleaners, a few paper cups, cardboard paper, bandaids and paperclips. Stewmac (our revered appointed head honcho) asked "does it have to be freestanding?" No answer, so what do we do? We make the longest line possible, send Stewmac to scale the stadium lights and hang it from there, making sure one end is touching the ground. That was about a 25-foot long creation out of all of the above. Impressive, if you ask me. The other teams thought we were cheating but hey, we asked. Anyway, we won that round.

Next up: the dreaded Chubbybunny. Thankfully only one of had to do it so we had to nominate Stewmac because he had the biggest mouth. I'm so glad no one made any comments about me. *Sigh* to being the only girl. Anyway, Stewmac had strategy and artfully compacted and jammed each marshmallow in there. I think he got about 9 in there while still being able to say "Chubbybunny."

After that we did the blindfolded softball grab. It is what it is. We blindfolded one of us and directed him on to the field to retrieve as many softballs that were scattered about as he could. And there were 4 scavenging, running blindfolded people out there. Utter chaos.

And then a game that involved running up and down the length of the field while tossing waterballons at each other. Again, utter chaos.

Finally we ended brainteasers. I was able to use my brains that werent jostled by trying to run on artificial turf in heels and get a few of them. I even got an affectionate pat on the head. Yay me.

Can you get any of them?:

1)
B B
U U
R R
N N

2)
knee
light light

3)ABCDEFGHJMOPQRSTUVWXYZ

4) GR 12in AVE 5)Fairy, Wolf and Duckling 6)insult + injury

7)
must get here
must get here
must get here

Anyhoo, the best part of the day was that I got to go home at 4:20!!!! Traffic was so light that I got in at 4:50 and the smell of sea air and the warm breeze flowing through the car, coupled with the fact that Rock 101 started playing "We Are The Champions" by Queen made me feel on top of the world. Which is good since I spent the first part of my day not only dreading the event but also feeling blue about stuff in my life. But how can I blue now when I have won these awesome prizes below:






No, it's not a fried egg. It's a homemade pencil sharpener. Oh and I also got a free slurpee.

Playstation 3 and Me

As you can see, I've had it up to here with this Playstation 3 business (for your reference, I am gesturing to an area far above my head). I may look like I am having a blast in the picture, but the reality of the situation is that I am cold, scared and using laughter as a way to channel my rage.

For all you gaming people out there...let me tell you, it sucks. Now I have signed confindentiality agreements with the company so I can't give away any secrets. But I can tell you it sucks. To be fair, it sucks because the versions we have to work with are huge, like the size of a TV and the game is so crap because its in the midst of being done. I've seen the commercial version and it is pretty sleek and sexy looking, much like Xbox 3. But this testing stuff? Sheesh.

Anyhoo, so not looking forward to this sports day crap I have to do today. I'm wearing high heeled boots so I'm going to pretty useless when it comes to anything sports related. I have a feeling I'm going to tear the shit out of the soccer field.

Do other companies make you do this? Anyone had any "team-building" crap? I've heard of team building events and how they are beneficial to certain companies...at my old job, we just got drunk at work. And that just made us hate each other more. I just don't see how stuffing marshmellows into your mouth and saying "Chubbybunny" makes people bond. But we shall see. Maybe the experience is so traumatic it will bring us all together. Maybe one of us will choke on it. Maybe that person will be me.

Oh. And the name of my team is "Pierre and the Hell's Yes Posse." Odd, since no one on our team is called Pierre.

****
The overheard conversation of gamers:

"Satan doesn't actually do anything...he just hates you."
"He hates me?"
"Yeah, Satan wants you to hate him."
"Well, how does he expect anyone to be on his side if we hate him."
"No one said Evil was smart."
"Lex Luthor is smart."
"Hmmm."

The Office

I think I have the strangest job in the world. I wonder how many of you will agree...or how many of you have similar jobs.

Normally, in a typical office (pictured at left), you may notice your co-worker slacking off . Perhaps they are playing video games. But what if your job is playing video games. How do you slack off? What do you do when you should play video games, or just look like you are playing video games?

I look around and notice my colleagues have started up hockey pools. Some surf the net. Some watch Futurama. Some actually still play video games, albiet different games from the ones we are supposed to play.

What I do? I write blogs, read blogs, make inane comments on other blogs, check out perezhilton or Pink is the New Blog (both of which drive me nuts and yet I can't stay away). I check the only email account that works, I text people, I look at Youtube, check out my old job's website and laugh. I'm not actually doing my job, which means I am pretending to play video games...you know, make "gamer" noises, jiggle the joystick, etc, all while doing anything but. That strikes me as odd, as far as jobs go (and sounds a bit perverted too). What am I getting paid for again?

Yesterday they threatened to take away my Hi Def TV and replace it with a smaller model. I rock paper scissored my way out of it.

As if that's not enough, we get to do "team building" events. So, this Friday, from 1-5pm, my "Team NBA Next Gen" get to have a BBQ and then have our own cutesy competition. We are all divided into teams of 6 and get to make up "Kooky Team Names" and "Fun Cheers." Then we get to take part in Sports Day type activities such as blindfolded softball tossing and who can stuff the most marshmallows in their mouth. Luckily, I can fit a lot in my mouth but this whole blindfolded sports thing is a disaster. I hated Sports Day at school with a passion because I would always let my team down. This isn't going to be any different.

Have I mentioned I am the only girl in the whole competition?

***

After writing this post I set out for the washroom and noticed an entire row of people just sitting around and intently watching a DVD of The Office. On another row, the FIFA people are playing Guitar Hero on PS2 and riffing away. Doesn't anyone actually do any work around here???

Later discovered that when most people slack off here, they are doing this: Line Rider. And it's so damn addicting. Sigh. Now I'll never get anything done.

I'm So Lame

And oh so bored. I've got nothing but time to kill before the new build loads up on the ps3 and we can do some further tests, so I'm sitting here flipping through a giant ass magazine, In Style. It has Scarlett Johansson on it. We have a love/hate relationship. I started off hating Scarlett and her trying to be Old Hollywood and her stunning looks and her big boobs and her good acting.

Now I realize that I was just jealous. Now I love Scarlett and she's up there on my "If I had to be a lesbian, I would pick her" list. Oh, and she loves Disneyland. I love Disneyland. So anyone who loves Disneyland is OK in my books.

Anyway, this brings me (I think) to why I'm so lame. I'm reading the ads in the mag because that's all it is, and I see a stupid Ad for Dressbarn. It's trying to be like one of those American Express ads, asking all these questions, only its not asking Robert De Niro, it's asking some stupid Dressbarn twat.

So, I'm gonna post these questions and maybe you can answer them. But only if you are as bored as I am and have nothing better to do.

What do we need to know about you?

What do you like about your friends?

Favourite singer?

What's your favourite line?

Name someone you never want to meet?

What do you believe in?

If you could take only one thing with you before you left the planet, what would you take?

Someone please...entertain me. I realize that stuff like this is lame and very high-school and most people can't be arsed to answer it...me included. But anyway, I'm too stuborn to erase it. So if anything, tell me something random or a joke...or say hi. Or yell at me. I don't care. I'm dying here.

Whales!

Ha ha ha. Just kidding. No whale posts yet.

Sigh. I've got too much time on my hands.

Does he make House calls?

First off, I would just like to let everyone know that I am alive and well. Thank you all for your touching concern and trying to get me appointments to see a Dr. House. I never got to see this Dr. House but the prognosis is the same:

I do not have a concussion. My head really is full of whales.

And stress, snot, crazy thoughts, perverted dreams, insecurities, angels and demons, hope, anger, fear, free coffee, pain, sex, Homer Simpson qoutes, a T-Rex song, love, and a few green peas I believe I stuck up my nose when I was four years old. Or maybe it was last week.

Anyhoo, if anyone is curious at all to what they may find in their own heads (I warn you, it's scary), check out the book YOUR DISGUSTING HEAD. It may also enrich and improve your life.

But yes, on a more serious note, I don't believe I have a concussion but just a combination of numerous things that lead to me feeling like I might die at any minute. Hopefully it will pass and not sneak up on me four years down the line, when I attend my high school reunion and pass out on the dance floor. This has always been a fear of mine. That and people coming up to me and saying "you look exactly the same!" Hmmmm. Actually, I think that might be a good thing.

Damaged Goods

A bit off topic, but how can you tell if you have a concussion?

I've been dizzy for the last few days, thought it was just a long hangover, but today it's still there. I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes open though I'm sleeping enough.

The side of my head is swollen too and if I touch it(gently)it makes me feel sick and nauseous.

Am I in any danger? Is it just stress? Anyone?

So long as it is out of the world

I know I promised my next post would be about whales. But I'm in no state of mind to post happy little pictures about happy little whales (well, the whales aren't little...they are freakin' whales after all). I promise I will post the happy pictures at some point, but whales are pissing me off at the moment.

So instead I will leave you with a simple qoute from Baudelaire:


"Carriage, take me with you! Ship, steal me away from here! Take me far, far away. Here the mud is made of our tears.

Anywhere! Anywhere! So long as it is out of the world!"


****
Oh, God. Wasn't that deep? I'm reading abook called The Art of Travel, which ironically I bought in the Frankfurt Airport, back in April. I haven't had a chance to read it until now, but seriously it's amazing. If you are anything like me, or atleast profess some interest in travel, I highly recommend you read it, because it's not about traveling per say, but answers: Why do we travel? What are we looking for? What are we running from? As the cover says "It can enrich and improve your life."

Oh. And thanks to all of you for your support during this difficult time (boy does that sound cheesy). I won't post much about 'the incident' again, because its a bit unfair to Ross for me to involve him in my blog, especially since I've done enough damage already. As for the dinner last night, I will just say that it was nice, his parents are very sweet and understanding and they didn't run away from me. As for everything else, I just have to be patient (God, I am so not patient). But yes, regardless, thank you all and thank you to those who gave me what amounted to a tiny kick in the crotch.

And Janelle, I will take you up on the offer, so as long as Jeff doesn't mind.

Fear and (self) Loathing in Vancouver

So, I realize that my dramatic post yesterday was a result of a hangover from hell. But guess what? I'm still hungover today, still feeling like shit and still wishing I could crawl under a rock and die. So you can guess what that means. More depressing dramarama from yours truly.

It all started this morning. Ever had this happen to you?

You wake up the next day and for a second or two, before your groggy mind can process anything, you think that everything is right with the world.

And suddenly it hits you that, no not everything is right with the world, in fact, your whole world has been turned upside down into one big pile of shit.

I've had many of these moments throughout my life and this morning was no exception.
I realized what transpired over the weekend and what it means for me. Frankly, I'm not sure exactly what it does mean for me and that's probably what fills me with stench of fear. That, or I forgot to put on deoderant in my numb state.

The thing is, I knew that this was going to happen. I was happy for once and content in my life and where it was going. Hell, I was waking up with a smile on my face every morning and thanking the Lord for a beautiful day. I was having the greatest time of my life. But, whenever something is going right in my life, there is always something that comes along and ruins it. Of course, like this time and most times, that something is me.

Which brings me to my self-loathing stage. I don't know how long I plan on staying in this stage, beating myself up over things that can't be undone. I don't like this pity party but since there is no one else to blame, I can't help it. Everything was going so well...

But yes, thanks to me, I've probably undid all the good things I've ever done, whether it be in the last 2 weeks or 8 months or whichever, and I've obliterated a lot of happiness from my life. These facts then lead to self-loathing and the question: why, when the going was so good, did I have to throw it all away? Why the hell did I have to be such a fuck-up?

Anyhoo, sorry about this pity party post but I'm obviously still upset. Which is silly since really it's Ross who should be upset (and is and probably will be for awhile). I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me when they really should be feeling sorry for him. Well, not sorry for him, because no one wants pity, but if anything I deserve a few public kicks in the crotch and not the sympathy I have received. But at the same time, I don't feel like I have the right to just shake this off and move on. I need to feel like shit for a while.

I am going out for a good-bye dinner with him and his parents tonight. Although common sense tells me to stay at home and give him time and space, I want to go because I didn't get to say goodbye to them yesterday, and I dont want them to leave with the impression of me as an Ozzy Osburne Zombie. And I don't want to further undue any good impressions I may have made (although I'm not sure any of my impressions have been good, especially when all they are going to remember is that I drive like an idiot, shake like Ozzy and have a crazy mother). Anyway, I'm looking forward to some groveling, followed by a touch of awkwardness, distantness and small talk (all of which I deserve and understand). Probably will need a drink to take off the edge. OH WAIT. I can't do that.

Anyways, I'm done. I know it can't be too much fun to read these self-loathing posts (unless you are trying to feel better about yourself, and if thats the case, then enjoy), but I promise that my next post will be about whales. Whales??? Whales!!!

Need to know

Today's task: Check the game's player stats and measure them against NBA.com's stats. I'm bored already. So, while I look somewhat involved, random questions tend to flash through my mind. Such as:

*Why does drinking a giant can of Rockstar make me feel like a Rockstar. A Rockstar in the Keith Richards sense. As in "half-dead and hit on the head by a coconut"?
*Why does UPS deliver your packages during the day. When the fuckers know you'll be at work?
*It's lunchtime, so why am I not hungry?
*And why am I still here?
*Where did all the whales go?
*Why do I feel like I'm on drugs?
*Why do I spend money when I don't have any?
*When are they going to come out with a razor that has 6 blades?
*Why did Kate Hudson turn out to be an adulturous whore?
*Why do I get tired as soon as I realize its Friday?
*Why do I think that if I ever have children they will look something like this?:
*Why am I not famous yet?
*Why do jokes about shaving Jeff's/Jeff's mum's/Manny's/Manny's mum's chest make me giggle?
*Why would I rather sit at home, do nothing and not get paid, than to get paid to do the same thing here?
*Why is it so hard to get up in the morning?
*Didn't Kurt Russell die in Backdraft?
*Why do I feel, um, frisky, during random times of the day?
*What's that smell?
*What's a battle?
*What's a diorama?
*Why don't I care that my boredom is causing my blog to be filled with meaningless, mindless posts?

If anyone knows any answers to these questions, please do your civic duty to inform me.

I feel the Need for Speed

It's not fair. Everyone else at my work, seems to be working on Need for Speed: Carbon for PS3 and XBox 360. And when I say "working," I mean playing the game, wheeling their souped-up cars around the hairpin turns while pounding music plays, squealing their tires and looking like they are having the time of their lives.
I, on the other hand, stare blankly at the NBA players who stare blankly back at me. And twiddle my thumbs. On the controller.

It's just that I think my talents would be better used on a game such as Need for Speed. I mean, do I play basketball? No. Do I speed through the city like an idiot? Yes.

So, it got me thinking about my driving skills. I've had a few "talking tos" from a number of people about my driving...I won't name names in case they don't wish to be singled out, but lets just say one of them is my mom.

She thinks I drive like an idiot. That may be so, but have I ever been in a car accident? No(someone knock on wood for me). Have I ever run over a person and/or animal? No. Have I ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. I've never gotten one. I've gotten many.

I can't help it if my father taught me how to drive. And my father is an ex-rally driver.
I can't help it if I like to be on time. And therefore must use the skill of speed in order to achieve that.
I can't help it if I no longer horseback ride. And racing against other cars is my only form of competition.
I can't help it if I have anger problems. And screaming at other drivers is my only way to safely vent them.
I can't help it that my car is fun to drive. And I like to pretend I'm Angelina Jolie in Gone in 60 Seconds.
I can't help it that all the lights turn yellow as I approach them. And I have no choice but zoom through.
I can't help it that Vancouver is full of stupid people who don't know how to drive. And speeding ahead of everyone is the only way to avoid them.

Anyway, I think you get the point. I've got a truckload of bad driving habits but I don't think that makes me a bad driver. I'm defensive and aggresive but always aware of everyone else on the road. Of course I'm aware of them. They are my competition!

That said, I have slowed down a lot lately as a result of one of these "talking tos." And though I am a little bit late for things now, I have found that my lack of speedyness has caused my anxiety and road rage to subside quite a bit. I'm trying not to run every yellow light, remembering to keep both hands on the wheel and doing a lot more shoulder-checking.

However, this new "safe" style hasn't stopped me from yelling at people, like when I screamed "MOVE IT!" to a slow-turning car in front of me, as I was driving Ross's parents to dinner.

Yeah Ross, sorry about that. Your mum looked scared.

Minute by Minute

10:20AM If you can't tell, I'm at work right and now and bored out of my mind. I've been sitting here for over an hour doing shit all and I'm not sure why. I've no access to msn or hotmail (security issues), so blogging is my only contact with the outside world. And by outside world, I mean real people who aren't pixelated NBA players. Oh look its already time for my 15-minute break. What a stressful morning of blogging it has been. Almost as stressful as playing video games.

*****
10:50AM I just took my 15-minute break. Didn't do too much, just went to the washroom and walked around the place in circles. The security gaurds here eye me suspiciously.

*****
11:00AM My game crashes for the upteenth time, so I get up and stroll around the office. I look for the cat on the leash I saw yesterday. Can't find it. Boo.

*****
11:30AM Free energy drinks! Apparently they are giving away free samples in the EAt (so clever) cafeteria. I slog my way over there and down 4 shots of what appear to be urine samples. Urine samples that taste like a way too sweet Red Bull. The promo girls tell me the effects will work in 20 minutes.

*****
11:50AM WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

*****
12:05PM ZZZZZZZZ. Promo girls neglect to tell me that I will soon crash and burn. I stare blankly at my video game screen. The new build we are working on sucks as bad as the old one and we now have nothing to do. We eagerly await instructions. Well, everyone else does. I'm half asleep.

*****
12:15PM Crap. 45-minutes till lunch. I've been perusing the online menu, trying to decide what to order. I already had a fresh Mexican Omelette this morning (mmm, made with real Mexicans) but I still want something filling. Here is what I have narrowed it down to: Eggplant stewed with tomato, chilies, fresh herbs and balsamic gastrique (v) $5.99, Honey glazed ham with orange allspice pan jus $5.99, Lamb Souvlaki with tzatziki, hummus, and pita bread $5.99 small order $3.99, Chicken teriyaki salad over spinach with crisp noodles, snap peas, and red peppers, with Asian sesame dressing $5.99 or Smoked salmon frittata with herbed cream cheese, Bermuda onion and caper crisps $5.99. I think I want the salad.

*****
1:45PM WHEEEE! This is after another urine/energy drink sample. Oh, and I decided to go with the salad. It was OK. Anyway, lunch isn't over yet but during my meal, I ended up talking with two co-workers (rare females) about adventures in blogging. I entertained them (I hope) with my tales of the crazy-ass comments from crazy-ass people that have been left on my wee blog. And I'm sure that admission alone will bring some more along. So, I sit back and wait.

******
2:05PM Searching for a photo that might encompass my boredom, I come across this. All I have to say is: "It's about time they came out with a newer version of myself"




*****
2:20 PM I am frusterated with the Miami heat in this PS3 crap. It's hard to play with zombies. I am still winning though.





*****
2:25 PM Oh Good. I learn my task for the rest of the day. I am to create a player and make it the craziest player ever. Then I will take that player into all the games and see what makes it crash.

*****
2:53PM I made a basketball player from Scotland. The game crashed.

*****
3:05PM PS3 appears to be having a meltdown. Does not compute, does not compute, does not...

*****
3:45PM Break is over and I feel sad knowing I have an hour and 45 minutes left before I can leave and break the boredom cycle. Can't wait to get outta here.

*****
3:46PM I realize that Ross's parents are meeting my Mother for the first time tonight. She is going to embarass the hell out of me and the Lockharts won't want anything to do with me ever again. Must think up a plan to get out of dinner. Hmmmm. PS3 blew up in a fiery accident? Had to help a man look for his cat? Got lost on the way over and ended up in the Village of the Damned?

*****
3:47PM Realize that my boyfriend reads this blog and thus will probably not believe such excuses. Sigh.

****
3:48Pm Anyone need me to work OT tonight?

The Dating Game

There are a lot of blogs out there that deal with girls in the dating world. I find these blogs to be highly entertaining, especially when a writer's style makes me think of a real-life Carrie Bradshaw, traipsing around NY, or LA, or Kansas City, living the fun, fabulous single life.

But as I read these blogs, I can't help but be so thankful that I am not in the dating world.

My aim is not to come off as a smug coupled-up person because, as we all know, it's just as dangerous in the relationship pool as in the dating pool.

The truth is, if I were single, I wouldn't be dating. I was single for three years before, and maybe went on one or two dates. That was it. I guess I subscribe to the notion that things will happen when they are meant to happen, and I wouldn't meet anyone special by dating everyboy that came my way. And I was right.

Of course, some people love dating, the thrill of going out with new people and so on. And I know there are a lot of people who end up meeting their true loves or lays or whichever by putting themselves out there and going on dates. But as for me, it wouldn't be the case. I'm probably too old-fashioned to survive out there in today's SATC world. And besides, I hate everyone anyway.
*****

The post has been brought to you by "I-have-too-much-time-to-kill-at-work-I-am-so-bored-kill-me-now"

Mommy Dearest

The other day I went to the Aquarium. On the account of not actually seeing any whales in the wild, we thought it would be a good fix for those of us who were jonesing.
Of course, we no longer have Orcas at the Vancouver Aquarium, because their enclosure was small, it was cruel, they were unhappy, etc. But we do have Belugas who make a wonderful, if not fat and goofy, substitute.
It was a bit like a journey back in time. It was only our second date when Ross and I first came to the Aquarium, on a similarly rainy Sunday, back in January. And like our visit several months ago, this one was plagued by the same problem: The aquarium is packed with whining, screaming and disobedient children.
I think Ross and I bonded on that cold, wet day, months back when we "joked" about tossing children into the dolphin pool and/or shark tank. This say was no exception. Joking about throwing kids into harmful situations has become a passion of ours.
Of course, we aren't really serious. Well, atleast I don't think Ross is.
I, on the other hand...well.
OK. Here is the thing. I'm not very kid-friendly and I never have been. Yes, I've warmed up to the idea of children over the last few years, but...I've yet to feel any sort of motherly instinct running through my veins. Kids to me, are a very scary subject.
Maybe because I'm afraid I'll be a bad mom...or that having responsibility will hinder my get-up-and-travel personality...or that one day all the children in the world will turn on us "adults" and recreate the Village of the Damned. I'm not sure.
But I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. There must be other women out there who don't have that baby-yearning uterus, just as I don't. And I'm not saying that it's a good or a bad thing. It's just that while there are some wonderful wannabe mothers out there, there are also women who feel a bit more confused on the subject of procreation.
Would I like to have kids one day? Sure, maybe, I don't know, I guess we will see. One thing is for sure, I sure as hell wouldn't want one now. Think about how many times I've lost and/or damaged my cell phone, passport, keys, camera, plane tickets, wallet, credit cards and various other "important" items.
I'll probably wait until children come out with an implanted GPS tracking device. Oh, and while they are at it, they should create a child that doesn't whine, cry or beat you up. Then maybe I'll consider it.

What to do in New Westminster

Forgive me for jumping all over the place, but I have no bearings of time and space. Oh, my goodness, I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
OK. I did know it.
So, anyhoo, nonetheless and all of that, continuing on from a previous post somewhere back there in the vault, Ross, Jeff and I attended the Rock 101 Grand Marnier BBQ party where we drank free booze and then made our way to New Westminster, where Ross and Jeff reside*. New West is apparently the oldest city in Western Canada. Of course, that's not really what it's known for nowadays. Tell anyone you're from New West and you'll get a terrified, yet sympathetic look.Where else can you frighten people just by asking for directions, get knifed for your phone on the way to the Skytrain or get a peep show from a streaker while waiting for the morning bus?
Looking back, I can't recall why we went to New West. I suppose it's a hard choice to make when you have drinking in Downtown Vancouver on one hand and drinking in a New West hole on the other. Regardless, the boys had picked New West as destination of choice (because when you've had a private party at the Boathouse, I guess you can only go up!) and I somehow agreed."YES!" I must have cried out. "Let's go to Scruffys!" (I'd obviously had a few already).
Now, Scruffy's is a down-at-its-heels bar, conveniently located underneath the Skytrain station and frequented by muggers, dumpster divers and genuine weirdos. It's sort of like the Cambie, but not as "commercial," if that's possible. But it does have its own kind of "charm." I witnessed some of this charm the Saturday before. Ross took me out to the Keg for a meal ("served" by sketchy waitress with a black eye) and naturally we thought, "Hey, why not end this special evening with a few drinks at Scruffys!?" We are pure class all the way.
So, we get to Scruffy's and are later joined by Jeff. He too can not resist its low-key charms (or waitress). But this Saturday is no ordinary Saturday. Low and behold, it's LIVE MUSIC NIGHT...which, in New West terms, turns out to mean: "Threatening Karaoke by Drunk Locals."
We knew we were in for a time when the most beautiful clear voice started singing Evanescence. But there was something off about it to me. We couldn't see who was singing because we were around the corner, but I had a feeling...
The waitress came over with our drinks. Without us saying anything, she told us, "Yes, it's a very gay man singing." I knew it!
A very gay man who then proceeded to threaten everyone if they didn't applaud. And then proceeded to scoop up the existing naysayers and hump them on the pool table.
Anyhoo, I wasn't expecting a repeat of Saturday and its madness (we ended up seeing our black-eyed crap waitress stumble in later on) because, of course, it was Tuesday night. So, it was really just us three in the bar. And a Boxing machine. But that was enough for trouble. As you can see:

*There, I changed it, are you happy now?

A Whale of a Time, or your money back

Last Saturday, despite my vicious cold/flu/sicky-type thing, I decided to be a good sport and go whale watching.
Well, I shouldn't say I was being a good sport. I've always wanted to go whale watching and when Cat and Chris (Ross's sister and husband...er, Ross's sister's husband, not Ross's husband...that would be Jeff) told me that was in their plans I knew I was going no matter what. Sure, bobbing up and down in the Georgia Straight while I should be under the covers in bed sounds stupid, but stupid is usually fun!
First problem though, was transporting the clan down to Steveston. I have my weeny car and there were 5 of them. So how many Scots could we fit in a Neon? The day was starting off like a bad joke.
While I contemplated stuffing Ross in the trunk, the others came to a solution. Since Ross's mum is the tiniest, she would lie across the others in the back. Like so:
Meanwhile, I had Ross's dad in the front with me, giving me driving tips. I'm pretty sure his parents had somehow heard through the grapevine that I was a "crazy" driver. Well, I proved them wrong...except when I almost hit that pedestrian. Do you know how hard it is to drive under the speedlimit? Especially whilst sick? I think I deserve a medal.
Of course, the drawback to my Speedynessless (it's a word, don't worry), was that we were late for the trip. And did you know that there are THREE Whale Watching places in Steveston? I didn't even know there was one. So for awhile there, it looked straight out of a Marx Brother-esque comedy. The 5 Scots running around the docks of Steveston, searching for whales, throwing Chinese children out of the way and nearly slipping on disembodied fish parts. Or maybe that was just me.
Anyhoo, to make a long story short we made it on the boat. But because the boat was nearly full, Ross and I had to sit in the open back area.
"You'll get wet," the Naturalist, Jasmine, warned us.
Yeah, yeah, we thought, bring it on! This 40 foot long, half-covered zodiac was nothing compared to my zodiac in which I have risked so many lives and cell phones.
We were soon joined by "The World's Best Grandma" (or so her sweater said) and what must have been the World's Best Daughter. They were obviously from the South (accents and such) and they too were warned by Jasmine.
"You will get wet back here. Cold and wet."
Yeah, yeah, yeah they said. Actually, it was more like a hearty "Whooo hoooo!"
Jasmine walked off, her wetness scare tactics having no effect on us.
Then we were off to a roaring start. The sea was angry that day, my friend. The waves chopped against us and as I watched crystalized ginger being passed around the front of the boat, I started to fear my cold/flu/sicky-thing materializing itself as vomit.
Thankfully, that feeling past, and all I had to contend with was using Ross as a shield to the cold wind, smiling reasuringly at Ross's parents who kept looking back at us with worried faces and searching the Gulf Islands for the gentle giants of the deep. Yup, just waiting to see those black dorsal fins break the surface, the Orca's leaping magestically, the dolphins running for cover. Any minute now.
Four Hours later, after zooming down through the Gulf Islands to the San Juan Islands and back, there were no whales to be seen and Ross and I didn't even get the teeniest bit soaked. How utterly dissapointing.
Apparently, they have a 90% sighting rate. Well they lied. But they do have a guarantee: If you don't see any whales, you get a free trip on the house.
It's true. In fact, Cat and Chris used their free trip yesterday. And guess what? No whales. It's a conspiracy, I tell ya.
So, Ross and I have four more whale watching passes to use for ourselves (since Cat and Chris are jetting off for other lands) and we'll probably use two of them when we go whale watching with his parents. Again. This Saturday. And there better be some freakin whales this time.
Otherwise I'm gonna put Jasmine in a whale suit and throw her in the ocean.
Who's cold and wet now?














Whales, where art thou?

Blast from the Past: part two

Sigh. I'm a horrible employee.
I've missed the last two days of work. First, I took the friday off in order to be a good tour guide to the Lockharts. Though now when I think about it, I can't remember if I took them anywhere or not. Hmmm.
Anyway, that was that. Then I got sick that same day. A sickness that haunted me the whole weekend, as I drove around the city, searched for whales (I'll get to that later) and ate really good food in really nice places. But underneath it all I was sick as a dog (odd, cuz I don't think I've ever seen my dog sick).
So, Sunday night rolled around and I couldn't sleep. At all. Except between 6 AM and when Ross's alarm went off at 7:30 AM. Of course. So, I had no choice but to call in sick and miss yet another day of work. I worried how the NBA Live would get on without me.
Turns out fine, because when I returned to work today, we were no longer on Xbox 360(infact I think the game I helped de-bug...or screw up...ships out this week).
No, today and FOREVER, I am now doing NBA on PS3.
That's Playstation 3 for all you people who don't know. Don't laugh, I didn't know that this morning (hey, I'm still sick!).
Ah yes. Lucky Me. I get to work on PS3 before anyone else.
Well. Let me tell you something. IT SUCKS!!! It's the most bug-ridden, game-crashing piece of crap I have ever seen. It angers me to look at it and makes me want to hit whoever is designing this game over the head repeatedly with the controller.
Where am I going with this?
Oh yeah. So, there I am today, staring blankly at the HD screen, watching it slowly load and being disturbed by some player's that have no eyes, severe underbites and appear to do the moonwalk when they aren't being used, when a guy sits down in the chair next to me.
I look over at him, not really focusing. He looks vaguely familiar, his eyes especially. But maybe I'm just used to staring at basketball players who have no eyes.
"Remember me?" Mystery Man asks.
I look down at his umbrella and briefcase. I'm quite confused and must have looked it for he gave me a bit more information.
"Grade 5. West Vancouver. Mrs. Mullan's class."
And then it hits me. I remember last week. I had gotten an email from a Lochlan Morrisonm a name that reverberated throughout my inbox.
Lochlan was my true love at age 10. We hung out together, did everything together...we got along like peas in a pod. Until I asked my friend if he liked me. And apparently, Lochlan "didn't like me that way" for I was too greasily limp-haired, fat-faced and sniffly to be of any sort of "romantic" value at that age.
CRUSHED! My first rejection and it still haunts me to this day...in the same sort of way that any New Kids on the Block song haunts me to this day.
Well, anyway, to make a long story short, there was the pre-teen crush sitting across from me (he also works QA at EA but DT Van)and all I could think of was, 'do I look OK?'
The answer: I've got bags under my unfocused, glazed eyes, my hair is greasy and I'm sniffling all over my face.
Somethings never change.

*******

On a completely different note, wonderful Elena came by the other week. My first "victim" at La Alberca, Elena was visiting up from Seattle where she was seeing her American bf. She was nice enough to grace me and my wee apartment for a night before she was whisked off to Victoria to visit the Island Sisters (and half of the notorious "Sex-Pests").
I took Elena to Milestones on English Bay(the place to take Spaniards AND Scots apparently)and we laughed and giggled, talked about men and drank a lot of wine, just like the ol' days.
Again, somethings never change.

Magical Mystery Party

Ah, right. A week ago, I went to Classic Rock 101's National BBQ Championship Grand Marnier Party. As you may have guessed from the title, there was classic rock, BBQ and Grand Marnier involved.

It all started ages ago when I used to work at that dreadful job with my charming co-worker Jen. She's the one drinking with me in all my Boozy Friday work photos (and who, by the way, quit the same day I did...minus the laid off part). I was flipping through Rock 101's contest page, usual for me since I only listen to that station (until I get bored of hearing Rush played 5 times a day, then I switch to another station) and I saw a contest for Grand Marnier. Tell us how you use Grand Marnier and you can win a party for you and 9 friends.

Well Jen and I put our brains together and came up with some crazy ass Grand Marnier crap, from GM seared scallops to GM Sangria and Mojitos.

It paid off. A few weeks later they announced our win on the air.

They laughed at our over-zealous use of the alcohol...then I believe Dean and/or Hatch made some remark about me being an alcoholic. Meh.

Anyway, the point is we won and last tuesday, Ross, Jeff and I made our way to the Boathouse Deck on English Bay to attend our party. We weren't the only ones to win though, there were about 30 people there but still...private party! Soon, Jen, her bf Phillipe and 5 of her friends came...I looked around for Leanne and John to show to complete our 10 but NOOOO, they didn't show. I don't care if you are sick, free booze is free booze!

And free booze it was. GM Margaritas, wine, beer, you name it. Every second a waitress came by to hand us a drink. Then came the food. OMG, melt in your mouth BBQ Pulled Pork. It was too good for words.

The highlight was meeting Dean and Hatch whom I listen to yammer away at each other between 2 and 7pm every weekday. There's something about radio people that always through me off. First, they never look the way you think they look. Second, they really do talk in that annoying radio voice. Third, I think Dean and Hatch were drunk. Maybe it was the free booze. Maybe they were always drunk. But I guess you would never tell by listening to the radio.

Of course, free booze often leads to paid booze, so when the open bar ended at 7, Jeff, Ross and I made our way to New Westminster and continued boozing it up at Scruffy's. Us three at the pride of New West on a tuesday.

To be continued...


Jen, Me, Dean and Hatch...who is who?

Scottish Stuff

Look at the lovely Scottish things I now have. The funnny thing is, only one of them actually came from Scotland. The Irn-Bru (diet, of course) and the Castle Rock are both from a wee shop in Steveston which sells only British foods. We discovered it the other day after 4 hours of whale watching.
While The Lockharts patiently stood outside the shop, Ross ran around inside like a kid in some kind of store. To be fair, his family just came from Europe and Ross has been deprived of junk food such as Prawn Cocktail Skips Crisps, Pickeled Onion Monster Munchers, Salt and Vinegar Hula Hoops, Cadbury Curly Wurlys and a giant jar of something called Branston's Pickle, which looks like a brown, mushy marmalade with chunky cubes of pickled goods in it (apparently great on cheese!).
The only thing that came directly from Scotland is the Garter Belt.

His sweet mum bought it for me.

While I think the gesture is funny and cute, Ross and his sister, Cat, looked horrified at what their dear mum had brought me.

Yeah. Well, I like it.

It's In The Game

Above: Jason Williams, for my favourite team, the Miami Heat

All right, fine. It's come time to announce my job. And suffice to say, Karisa you hit the nail on the head. You are right, I do work at EA Games.
For those of you who don't know what EA is, I'm not going to explain it. For those of you who do know what it is, then your assumptions are correct.

I play video games for $11 an hour, full-time.

Yes. They do pay you to do that. Unbelievable, right?

It all started when I saw an ad on Monster.ca. A temp agency was recruiting for this job: VIDEO GAME TESTERS NEEDED. I thought, hell I may know nothing about video games, but the pay isnt bad considering the job, and something short term (4-6 weeks) will suit me perfectly.
So I got the job, went in last friday, did my basic training. On the monday I began my first official day of work and was put into my team.
I'm on team NBA Live 07, for the QA (Quality Assurance). The Xbox 360 version ships out in about 2 weeks, so I'm basically playing the game and looking for bugs. Of course, the bugs I do find are minor and since the game has already been shipped to Microsoft for further testing, they dont do much about the bugs I find. Which is great, because all I have to do is...play the game.
For 7.5 hours a day.
Now, I was dissapointed at first because I wanted to be on the FIFA 07 team, playing football, or on the Need for Speed team, testing the car racing, or on the Medal of Honour Airborne team (testing on PS2s) bombing the Germans. But no, I get stuck with basketball, of which I know nothing.
Or I should say, of which I DID know nothing. I know a bit about it now, and I've played it this whole week and already I can win games (especially in Dynasty Mode, when I play with my fav team, the Miami Heat). In fact, yesterday my Testing team (I'm the only girl tester on my team) was entered into a tournament, in order to get to know each other better. I was given the Rockets, which has that big Chinese dude on it (butterfingers when he comes to dunking though, even though he is as tall as the hoop). I played against my supervisor and won! I made it all the way to the semi-finals, thanks to my confusing strategy of pressing all the buttons at once. Yay!

Anyway this is a typical day at work:

*Arrive at 9 am. Eat big waffle breakfast from cafeteria while watching the person next to me play Need for Speed.
*Play NBA Live 07 on XBox 360
*Go for a break...my thumbs are getting sore
*Play game
*Go for hour lunch, eat gourmet food from cafeteria
*Play game
*Take another break...the Heat are losing in a game vs the Cavaliers and I need a time out
*Play game
*Go home
*Dream about basketball

Ahhh, yes. The Mystery Job is revealed. And although it was all fun and games (literally) this week, the next few weeks will be harder. The Xbox game will be done and so I move onto testing NBA for Playstation 3.
Yes, Playstation 3, which hasn't even come out yet. I'll get to play it before all of you, mwahahaha. But its not all good since that particular game has like a million bugs in it (the players dont even have eyes, the stadium crowd is missing, Shaq actually flies through the backboard).
Sigh. All in a days work.

Survive The Savage Sea

Just to keep you all informed, I have the latest report from my father's sailing trip. Currently, Norfinn is blasting towards San Francisco at an alarming rate. The waves are absolutely huge, the wind whipping up the swells as the weather pushes them south. In fact, tomorrow they should be in San Fran...and they've only been gone 4 days!
But despite this advantage, things on the Norfinn arent looking too friendly. The microwave has decided to dislodge itself from the wall, the waves are too high and too rough for them to use autopilot...the crew haven't eaten since its too rough to make any food, let along keep it down. And I suppose its not easy to sleep in that kind of situation. They called into Ventura, California, to see if they could seek a safe harbour for the night but the Coastgaurd said it was way too dangerous for them to come in. And to think I almost went on this trip at the last minute...
But on the plus side, they should be sailing (floundering?) underneath the Golden Gate Bridge tomorrow afternoon, hopefully safe and sound.

The Scottish Are Coming!

I know I haven't posted for awhile despite saying I would. A lot has happened...I'm about to reveal my job, got to blog a bit about my wonderful time with Elena from Madrid, plus the crazy ROCK 101 Party I went to last night. Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you about that. Guess who won a party for 9 friends at the Boathouse on English Bay last night? Complete with free margaritas, beer, BBQ Pork and Dean and Hatch. But more about that later.

Tonight Ross's parents are coming into town. AHHHHHH Meet the Parents. Hopefully all will go well and I wont make a fool of myself. But if I do, you can bet I will blog about it.

Anyway, I'll blog properly as soon as I can...I'm at Mystery Work now, about to go on another mission. Mwaha.

Bon Voyage, Norfinn

Next stop: Mexico

Challenge Everything

While people have guessed from ass-wiping/accounting to nude lion taming to stripping, you are all off base (except for the lion taming thing). And until someone decides to hit it closer on the head, I'm just going to keep you guessing.

Today was my first day at work and it seems like a real blast, so far. Completely unlike anything I have ever done, in a place unlike any I have ever seen. Although the job part of it hasn't started yet, today was still quite full-on with lots of training. I really can't wait for next week when I can really sink my teeth into it. I wasn't the only person hired on for this, there were about 24 other temps, all looking bewildered at where they were. Some were from New Zealand, Australia, Ireland...and not all were as big _______ as I thought. But there were 19 guys and only 5 girls (including me).

Here are some interesting facts about where I work:

-The building I work in is amazing. And new. And cost 54 MILLION DOLLARS to build. And it shows.

- There are 1500 employees from all over the globe who work in the building.

- The security is just about as high as Fort Knox. Your security passes aren't cleared for all areas and you have to be swiped through several checkpoints before you can get anywhere.

- You have to sign a confidentiality agreement. In fact, I'm not allowed to go into detail about what I have been "working on."

- There are several Starbuck's in my work (great for break time, or when falling asleep at the computer).

- The Break Room has a free video game arcade and pool table

- The Cafeteria is huge and state-of-the-art and the food is AMAZING (mmm bento box).

- My company's net revenue for 2006 so far is 2.9 BILLION DOLLARS.

- My company is the number one _____ in the whole world, by a large margin.

- Where I work is the largest ______ in North America

- Where I work has a movie theatre, a soccer field, an indoor gymnasium, fitness classes, a spa, basketball courts etc.

And the good thing is, the commute isn't any longer than the trip I was making to the North Shore. So there you have it. Day One and I think I'm off to a good start. Don't really know what I'm doing, but hey, the fact that what I do is going to make me a very wanted women in some circles, makes it all the more worthwhile. Mwahaha.

Meet our new ____________

 
Ok, well as some of you know...well, actually, none of you know. But I didn't get the job at YouthInk magazine like I had thought. Which really sucks because it would have been close to my house (could have taken the false creek ferry to work!), Poonam works there and even though I would have been a receptionist, I would have had my hand in doing editorial stuff.
Ah but as fate would have it, I got a call this week from the nice lady who interviewed me. Her sister, who is doing the hiring, said "No," on the account that I am "Overqualified."
Huh?
So, I've heard of being Underqualified (which I think I am for a bloody receptionist job anyway, I'm mean really, have you ever seen me organized?) but I've never heard of being "Overqualified."
Whatever.

****

So, feeling angry and frusterated, I lash out by applying for a job that seems arbitrary and silly but fun and so not me. But anyway I do so and a half hour later (this is 1030 at night) I get a call from the recruiting agency who is doing the hiring. They need the position filled by Friday, would I be able to come into an interview tomorrow?
I say sure, surprised that I even got an interview since this job can be considered to be MANY people's dream jobs. Not mine however, that's probably why I was/am so laisez faire about it.
My interview was at 4 on Thursday and I am asked to bring two reference letters (thanks you Ross and Jen!) and my resume. At 3:30 I go to print my resume. I have no paper. So I print all of them on Photo Paper...mmmm shiny. Then I call Yellow Cabs since I dont know if I can walk it on time. I'm on hold with Yellow Cabs until 3:50, when I realize I'm in shite. I phone Black Top, get through right away and my cab arrives.
Once at the office, I'm one minute late. But the woman was interviewing other people so no one noticed.
When it's my turn, she does a double take.

"Are you Karina?"
"Yes"
"Are you here for the _______job?"
"Yes, I am here for the ______ job"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"Okaaaaaay then"
We walk into her office, she keeps turning around to look at me. She looks confused and scared. We sit down.
"Sooooo," she says, "You want to _______?"
"Yes, it sounds fascinating"
"I'm sorry. I just can't wrap my head around it. Why not do reception? You could be an 'Office Super Star'"
"I like challenges and doing new things"
"I'm going to show you to my collegues and they won't believe you are here for the _______ position"
"Uh.."
"They are going to want to steal you away for other jobs. Like reception"
(nervous laughter on my behalf)
"No really. Anyway, here is the details of ______. Read over it and see if you still want to do it, because I just don't think...ah, we'll see."
I read it over, knowing what its all about since I did a wee bit of research last night. When I'm done, I put the sheet down. She's busy entering my info into the computer and eyes me suspiciously.
"So, did you read all of it? Even the last part? And you still want to do it?"
I didn't even say anything.
"Okaaay, well I guess you know what you want to do. Even though I could give you five reception jobs right now? NO? Okaaaaaay. Well, I'm gonna type this letter out to the people who want the ______job filled. I'm gonna read it out loud as I type."
I nod, she starts typing and talking.
"Dear Andrea, I have a wonderful young lady here who apparently wants to _______. I personally don't think she should __________, she should instead be an 'Office Star', but she seems quite set on it. I'm sure when you meet her it will surprise you, and although she has no formal training in ________, she thinks her journalistic and problem-solving skills of articulate nature will be an asset to the job. Again, I tried to convince her not to ________, but there you go."
More nervous laughter from me. Did she just try and convince the "Big Name Company" to not hire me?
After that fiasco was over, she did in fact show me around to her other collegues, plus the owner of the recruiting agency (this is Karina and guess what she's here for? She wants to _________).
Tired of smiling and pretending to laugh, I am shown to the testing area.
"So," she turns to me, "This isn't for the ____ job, but for our knowledge in the future in case we want to place you in another job."
Like an Office Super Star?
"It says here on your resume you can type 60 words a minute, can do Excel and Word. I'm gonna leave you with this testing program which will show how much you know about it all."
Uh-oh.
She leaves and I am left with the computer. My first task is Excel. Sure, I can do that...I took Research Methods in school...we had TONS of classes where we learned Excel.
Then the test starts and I remember...I never went to class! While Chuck was teaching us Excel, I would either stay at home and sleep, or show up half way during class, or talk to people on msn or go for sushi, or Earls or White Spot or Montanas and have a few Ceasers with Leanne and Karisa!
By the time the tests were all over, I had scored the lowest score possible and I think I crashed the computer.

****

Imagine my surprise then when I got an email that night, telling me I had got the _________ job. It's only short-term, 4-6 weeks, but it sounds like a blast (was in fact told, "You don't want to reception? Oh well, you will have a blast at _____").

I start tomorrow morning at 9AM. SO. What exactly is the __________ job? Leave your guesses below and whoever guesses correctly gets...something nice.