Times they are a changing

It's nearing the end of this particular time of my life...

I am on the last "official week" of my schooling, which mean buckling down and doing a whole bunch of projects at the last minute.

Today I completed my Entertainment Law course (and found out that while I rock at doing script clearances, my notion of music rights is ridiculous...synch rights, publishing rights...whatever, apparently I'm terrible at math).

Tomorrow I have my last marketing class (complete with presentation on a project that I've barely touched on).

Wednesday I have my Film and TV finance final exam AND group project as well (let me just say, never do a co-production with the UK).

Thursday I have my distribution project due and that's gonna kick my ass cuz I haven't started and it involves setting up my own fake distributing company and creating a cash flow over three years...cash flow? I told you I was bad at math!

Saturday I've got my production management final exam (which will be a joke and we will all fail miserably) plus our project and on Sunday I have my EP Scheduling and Budgeting exam.

I know that probably sounds like a lot of nonsense to the lot of you, but I think you get the idea that I'm a busy girl.

THEN next monday, it's the first day of my internship. This I am super-excited about...though I'm not a fan of TV, I know that I will learn a lot (and am so glad to be in the development department) and I am just dying to earn money. Of course, this is just a two-week unpaid internship but I know that if I work my ass off, it will pay off. No more boring jobs for me! And luckily, because Vancouver is the 3rd largest film center in North America (right behind New York), there are tons of production companies to weasel my way into.

But these aren't the only changes.

Tomorrow it's the Rockstars and I's nine month anniversary...

Next Monday it's his 25th Birthday....

On the 14th JOSH returns to live with me in my studio again. Which was to be just temporary until he finds a place BUT....

As you may or may not know, I am selling my wee apartment. You know all the reasons why.

Anyhoo, as soon as employment is secured (end of April) so I can get a new mortgage, I am buying a one-bedroom plus den in the same neighbourhood.

It's going to be a dream come true to actually own a BIGGER AND BETTER place to call my own. The concept of a bedroom, let alone a den, is amazing...hell, I'm excited to have a door! And more walls for my art! And a bigger closet!

Best part of it all is, because Josh is coming back on his working visa (you may remember he moved to Van from New Zealand, moved back to New Zealand in January and decided he missed Vancouver so much that he is coming back in two weeks) he's going to be living in my den. I'll make sure that the room is big enough for a bed, but basically, I'm gonna have a roomate until November-ish.

Now, normally I would have balked at this before, since I am a very solitary person. But to be honest, when Josh lived with me in my studio last year for a month, it was a hell of a lot of fun and I don't see anyone else I would get along better with - other than my Rockstar, but of course, come November, he may just be my next roomate :P

Huzzah for the next couple of months! New job, new script, new home...new outlook on life.

I Love You Guys!

All you blog people make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

As such, I'm giving you a link to all the stuff I am currently selling on Ebay (yup, got the idea from KarinaXOXO).

I mean, all these shoes I keep buying, I have to pay for them SOMEHOW!

So take a look HERE (will be adding more stuff next week) - You will notice that those fab Ugg Shoes are being let go at a REAL bargain (they were just a bit too unstable for my funky feet), so snap them up while you can.

AND if you win an item, as a special gift to you I will throw in either this snazzy leather-like stretchy red belt with metal clasps (size Medium) or patterend olive and white H&M shirt (purchased in Norway, never worn, size small) FOR FREE. It's your choice, while quantities last.

You're so vain?

I am not sure if you all had read my last blog post or not, but basically I talked about how I was born with the physical birth defect of having club feet. The way my feet are and look have been a cross to bear my whole entire life and it is only now that I am coming to terms with it.

Which is why I thought "Kiki"s comment on my last post was a bit...callous:

"To be honest, everything you have mentioned here cannot be classified as 'flaws;' but rather display a much greater flaw: Vanity"

I am actually amazed that someone would take my honest and heartfelt post about a BIRTH DEFECT and try and turn it against me. To try and make me feel even worse about myself and point out the fact that I have GREATER flaws than my feet. What's next? Making fun of the mentally disabled for worrying that they aren't smart enough?

Notice I said TRY, though.

Because a careless remark like that does not shed anymore light on me than it does on the person that left it.

Am I vain? FUCK YES I AM!

But I am vain for many different reasons and NOT my feet. Vanity to me implies worry about something that doesn't always need worry. Believe me, I worry about many a thing that probably doesn't deserve it.

For example, a person who thinks her profile is ugly and is always inspecting it in passing reflections may be considered vain. Is she wrong? A bad person? No, not at all, because we are ALL vain at heart. But her profile probably doesn't affect her daily life. It probably doesn't physically stop her from doing things, doesn't cause people to stare and hasn't caused her grief her whole life (btw I think my profile is awesome...though I'm sure that's vain too).

Now lets say this girl was born with an abnormaly large nose...a profile that would make people stop and stare, or perhaps she doesn't even have a nose.

Now she has a valid reason to be worried, to be "vain" if you will. But suddenly, THAT has become her biggest flaw?

The fact that I have had peers be so cruel to me over the grotesque appearance of my feet that I have had to switch schools? The fact that various gym teachers have tried to humiliate me over the fact that I can't do certain sports, that I run a certain way? Until you have been in my supportive shoes, you can't possibly begin to understand where my "vanity" comes from.

I could go on and on, but the point of my post is that I have finally accepted the state of my feet, and by doing that, the state of myself.

The "vanity" that may seem to come with it is worth it and I will never view it as a flaw. I have 26 years behind me of caring how I measure up to others, but I am done now. Your comment, Kiki, whether you meant it as inconsiderate as it sounds or were going for something different (and obviously missed the mark with me) is no different from the comments I recieved from heartless 13-year old brats who made fun of my disability, and I am proud to say I am done caring about what anyone else thinks about my so-called "flaws."

PS - Now since the comment was left following other comments that were supportive and happy for my coming-to-terms with my problem, I have taken the comment to be condescending and patronizing. I really don't see how I can take it any other way. I'm not usually one to get defensive but when it comes to something dear to me, and this is about as close as it gets, then I'm gonna stand-up for myself. I don't care who you are.



(My feet in their internet debut. This isn't easy for me when I have tried to hide them my whole life, but it's kinda liberating to put them out there and say, yup I'm far from perfect, like it or lump it)

Feet First

We all have our flaws.

I have a lot of them.

A LOT Of them.

Somehow, I manage to make most of them work though, or I'm adept at covering them up.

For example, for my horrendous undereye circles, I have to slather on industrial strength concealer (Amazing Cosmetics and Dermablend make...amazing...ones). Here's a new tip if you suffer from them too - a very sheer dab of orangey red lipstick on top of your bluest part works wonders. That's right, RED. I saw this tip in Shape magazine and it does work - orange/red counteracts blue, just make sure it's a sheer amount and that you use a yellow-based concealer (a shade lighter than your skintone) on top.

For my flat hair, I used bodyfying shampoo and try and keep conditioner only on the ends (though after Hawaiian surf, I'm slathering it everywhere...also contemplating cutting my hair above my shoulders for summer....). I also blow-dry my roots with my head upside down.

I'm not going to delve too much into my secrets or my flaws, because why on earth would I expose what I am trying to hide.

But one thing that I am coming to terms with - my biggest flaw - is my feet.

As you may know (I've blogged about this before), I was born with club feet and after 6 years of casts on them, they are finally normalesque. I mean, they work like feet, look like feet, point in the right direction etc.

But they are ugly motherfuckers. My heels are heavily calloused because I walk heel first, I can't stand on my toes (ligiments too tight), my ankle bones jut out because...actually, I'm not sure why that is, and I have horrible scars on the insides of my leg running from my arch to just past the ankles. Apparently, this is where they repeatedly cut my feet open and replaced all the bones. With what, I am not sure - my feet have never set off any metal detectors...

So, because of having this FLAW my whole entire life, I have made some sacrifices.

I don't ever show my feet - EVER. Boots are my best friends. I can't wear pretty, sexy stiletto heels. Going to the beach is a nightmare. Etc.

But, honestly, this all sucks and I am getting pretty sick of it. I wanna be able to wear a breezy summer dress without having to cover up with boots or a pair of socks (now I actually would wear boots even if I didn't have foot problems because I love the look of them, but in the dead of summer, it's a no-no).

So, over the past two years, I've come to a sort of compromise. I've been able to wear breezy dresses and still have cute shoes, without feeling like people are judging me because of some ugly scars...


Behold: Gladiator sandals!



Espadrilles!

OK, maybe one day I'll be brave enough, and not give a shit enough about what people think, to go wearing any shoe I damn well please. But when I am trying to look pretty - say wearing a nice dress - I'd rather not my ugly feet ruin the whole look. And then you get the pitying stares and glances and though I was subjected to a lot of it recently in Hawaii (I wasn't about to wear espadrilles on the beach), it something I like to avoid if possible.

Which is why I welcome the above shoes. They are stylish (in my opinion) funky and most of all, they let me feel pretty. And that is something that is priceless.

Which is a good thing, considering my latest purchases are these UGG Espadrilles with sooo fluffy sheepskin soles. Feels like you are walking barefoot on a sheepskin rug:



These way cool, gladiator-themed, leather Jeffrey Campbell sandals - with tie-up ankle cuff that happens to be so IN this year - that look so buttery and rich, that I can't wait to pair them with a really delicate dress (available from Urban Outfitters):


And, most recently, the creme de la creme....Christian Louboutin sandals (as seen on Carmen Electra):




Now I know these last ones are some pretty pricey shoes...but I figure, for someone like me who has been dreaming about having wonderful designer shoes all her life but knowing she could never wear them, this will actually make me look forward to showing off my feet all summer.

And that's flawless.

PS - Keeping with the whole no-bitterness theme I'm trying to get going on in my life, I must share some heartening information with you.

You see, I wrote this post the other day and afterwards, I decided to read up online about this disability that has truly disabled me from doing many things with my life.

Well you know what? I'm pretty damn lucky. After perusing the message boards I have learned the following:

-1 in 1,000 people in North America and the UK are born with club feet (50% have it in both feet, like I did)

-The majority of people seem to be in pain every single day, so much that they discuss the best painkillers to take. They have it regardless of what activities they do and it spreads from the feet all the way to the knees. Most can only wear special orthopedic shoes. I ONLY get pain if I walk for 8 hours a day, or stand around a lot or wear really nasty shoes. And even then, I have never once popped a painkiller for it.

-A lot of people are teased for the way they walk, as they limp around. Now, I WAS teased when I was young but I corrected the way I walked, all by myself. Now, my walk is still unusual as my hips are quite relaxed - it's been compared to Marilyn Monroe's wiggle walk - but people just think I'm trying to be sexy or something, they don't think I've got something wrong with me. Somedays I do find I am limping though but I think that's usually the fault of bad shoes, injury or just waking up with stiff legs.

-A lot of people have other things wrong with them...hammer toes, missing toes, no heel (I have too much heel), so it makes me extremely grateful that I just have ugly scars.

-Famous people with club feet include: Troy Aikman, Mia Hamm, Kristi Yamaguchi, Damon Wayans, Dudley Moore ( a lot more sports players than actors - guess it shows the businesses that rely on vanity don't get it, but with sports, as long as you can play well, who cares).

All in all, after reading all this stuff, I realized that yes, compared to the rest of "normal" society, I do have a birth defect/disability. But compared to most people with said defect, I actually have it quite good. Yes, I have scars but I would rather take that over pain any day and I am grateful to God for keeping me pain-free and able all these years.

And I can wear really neat shoes sometimes.

Bitter Blonde Ale

I woke up on Sunday morning horribly hungover and in a resolute state of mind. My Sunday 845AM class was cancelled which was brilliant and allowed me to sleep in and snuggle with the Rockstar. We had been up till 430 AM, grabbing last minute food after his show at a local lounge - the first time I have been able to drink a lot and stay up late on a Saturday in months.

Anyhoo, due to my debauchary and my tendency to buy everyone shots when I'm drinking, I can't say I was very sober near the end. But I was bitter. Oh yes.

While munching (no, devouring) a late-night club sandwhich and sipping a caeser (yeah, not so wise at 3AM), I went on what must have been an hour long rant about life. Feeling bitter because of people my age who are successful while I'm not, complaining about my lack of funds (note: would have a lot more money if I didn't buy people shots) and bitching about Mik (remember her? Well she was at the show and completely SNUBBED me. I was totally expecting an in-your-face apology from her since she seemed so "sorry" about it on Facebook but she just ignored me, that stupid cunt). Anyway, my poor but wonderfully patient bf had to listen to all of it and then gave me his advice (which is always right).

I don't remember what his advice is though, maybe it coincides with the following, but I woke up on Sunday morning thinking: Why the hell am I so bitter all the time?

And thus I have started to shuck the bitterness aside and start being happy. Be happy FOR people, stop comparing myself and my journey to everyone elses and concentrate on how I can appreciate what I have, right here, right now.

OK, easier said than done, but it's a start. Plus I read a review about an interesting book, Complaint Free World, the 21-day challenge by Will Bowen. Basically you wear a purple bracelet for 21-days and every time you complain, you move your bracelet to the other wrist and start all over again.

Ugh. Don't think I could make it, but I think the point - replacing negative thoughts with positive ones - is a great thing.

See? I'm on a roll already :)

It could only happen to ME...

That's my name, don't wear it out:)

So, I was supposed to have an exciting day. I had an interview for an internship with one of Canada's largest TV production companies that makes programs for Discovery, Travel Network, Movie Central, CBC etc. That was supposed to be the excitement of the day.

Well the internship went well. I got it. I will be in the development office, reading and critiquing scripts that come in, coming up with ideas for shows (and, apparently, seriously pitching it to a broadcaster) and researching documentaries. Stuff like that. Stuff that's exciting and fun and that I would be really, really good at.

Now there is no promise of securing a full-time position afterwards but I think if I could work really hard, I may be able to pull it off or at least get a glowing recommendation from them as I pursue development with other companies (luckily in Vancouver, there are tons of production companies about).

So I am super duper excited about that.

Another cool thing comes on the heels of feeling low about myself for the last wee while. You see, I started questioning whether I am really supposed to be a writer. What if I only think I can write but I really can't and no one is telling me so? What if I have been kidding myself all these years? What if the talent that I hope I have is missing, or was never there to begin with?

Then I started wondering if I should bother writing my scripts to begin with. If only someone in the industry could read them and TELL ME that I have talent. Or that I suck and should just forget it. Accept that I won't be a writer and move on.

Well, in Hawaii, I got an email from one of the agencies I submitted my script to. They aren't interested. They read it and, well, that's that. They never told me why, just that they decided to pass on taking me on as a client. I took that really, really hard. One rejection to me meant that they would all reject me. And if I couldn't be a writer, who was I? What was I good at? Oh the mysteries of life.

Then today, I got a simple email back from a well-known producer who had read my script. She said:

I have read your script and enjoyed very much, however, it is not a project we are able to pursue at this time. We are currently looking for scripts that fit into a lower budget category and since it takes place in various beautiful European settings, it unfortunately takes it out of the running for us at this time. Like I said, I really enjoyed it and think you are a very good writer. I would be happy to read more of your work, if you think you have something that fits within our current parameters. Please do send more along.

Gah! You hear that? I am a good writer! That's all I needed to know to continue my hard work and my dreams. Will it be easy? No. But now that I have encouragement to keep going, that it's not all a lost cause, that I'm not like half the dreamers on American Idol, I WILL keep going! Plus, I just sent off another one of my scripts to her (an arguably better one) so who knows?

But that's not even the BIG excitement of the day. The "it could only happen to me" type of thing.

Today I was supposed to pay my tuition for school (yeah, it's a tad late since school is over in a few weeks). Anyway, I was going to put it all on my Mastercard but had to go to the Bank of Montreal on Burrard st (this is downtown Vancouver) to pay down my card a little bit.

As I entered the bank, I noticed I was walking behind this man who gave me the creeps, right off he bat. He had baggy, paint-splattered jeans, a black baseball cap, dark wrap around shades, long frazzled and dirty grey hair and beard.

And a big coat in which he kept his hands in both front pockets. It looked like he had something...pointy...in them.

So as we are walking to line up at the teller, I notice two security gaurds glance at him suspiciously. Already, I was suspicious.

We went through the maze of poles to the front of the line. I was right behind him. And suddenly I knew that he was here to rob the bank and I was going to be stuck in the middle of it.

Maybe I should leave, I thought. I was directly behind him, I could quickly run out. But I decided to stay. Because I had never been witness to a bank robbery before.

I thought maybe I was just paranoid too, but I knew. Enough that I opened my phone and began to text "I'm at the BMO on Burrard and I think it's going to get held up" to my bf. But before I could finish it, I was next in line. And the teller I was called to was directly beside the man.

As I walked up to my teller, I noticed the sketchy man passed his teller a slip of paper. I knew what was written on that paper. Give me all your money or I'll blow this place up or shoot you all or whatever.

So I nervously made conversation with my bank teller, while we both nervously kept glancing over at the other "transaction" that was taking place.

Now, we were talking for a long time and I was counting cash at some point, so I never saw the robber leave or get handed his demanded money.

But I did see the bank teller in tears, another teller phoning the police, the management show up and announce the bank was closing. And I managed to get out there just as the cops showed up and before it was all in lockdown. Hell, I couldn't stay for the show, I had an interview to go to!

My first bank robbery, Canadian style. No guns, no hostages, no "everybody get down on the ground!" Just a piece of paper calmly handed over while everyone else (except for me) remains oblivious.

So that was my day. And it's not even over yet :)

How to: get out of bed in the morning

Sure, it's easy when every morning you are faced with the above staring you in the face. Whilst in Maui, the Rockstar and I were waking up naturally, without an alarm, at about 730-8AM every day. There was something invigorating about hearing birdsong through the windows, the naturally bright light filling the room and the prospect of having my kona coffee and guava-strawberry slathered bagel outside on the sun-drenched balcony overlooking the ocean.

But now that I am back in the "real" world, I just can't get up! This is nothing new, I've always had a tendency to sleep in. But I'm tired of it, for lack of a better word.

Of course, if I had a job and were waking up to my alarm at 730 AM everyday, I wouldn't be sleeping in. But aside from rising (super) early on Saturdays and Sundays, my school is in the evening on weekdays. So there is no real need for me to get up at a certain time.

And yet there is! I have so much work to do, everyday is packed full (especially this week) of homework, projects, script stuff, etc that I really can't afford to sleep in.

But I do it anyway.

Why? Mainly because I'm tired....but why am I so tired? I get 8 hours of sleep....I'm tired even if I get ten hours of sleep. How come in Hawaii, I was up and at them and raring to go, regardless of how well I slept? Why did I have energy there and not here? It's only been a week, not even, since I got back!

One reason could be a day like today. It's dark, raining and miserable. This is Vancouver. It's often this way and I need to find out a way to get up and face the day, no matter how crappy it is. I mean, I am writing this right now, at noon, and all I can think about is how badly I want to go back to bed. WHY???????

So, I am totally open to suggestions here...how do you manage to get up out of bed and get started (especially you people who get up earlier than they should)? How can I look forward to my day? Remember, I don't have class till 630PM and while I do have to spend at least half of my day doing school stuff, there is another half in which I just sleep or sit around on my ass and look at that wretched Facebook and gossip sites.

I've read on Maddie's wonderful Vancouver blog that she gets herself up with promises of breakfast treats. I've been doing that too....Kona coffee, mango slices and waffles with guava jelly (not as good as my Hawaiin breakfasts but it'll do). But I want to be eating this at 9AM, not 11AM. I want to do things that will get me out of the house (and not cost money, since I have none). I even planned on this today, to walk to the gym, but I didn't because it was "raining" out and so I went back to sleep. I am officially my own worst enemy here, sabotaging any good intention that I have.

Is it laziness? Tiredness? Procrastination? How do I overcome this and where do I start?

Sunset Tiki Punch

So, my trip to Maui seems like a distant memory thanks to impending money troubles, intense school projects and my usual quarter-life crisis and self-introspection.

Thankfully, I've found a way to try and ease my troubles and bring some of those carefree balmy breezes back into my life. No, the solution is not at the bottom of a glass, but I guarantee you'll feel better by the time you get there.

Perfect for rewarding yourself for surviving monday, behold my Sunset Tiki Punch:

1 shot dark rum
1 shot Malibu Passionfruit rum
1/2 shot of grenadine syrup
1 1/2 cups of Guava juice
A splash of orange juice to top it off

Put igredients into a mixer with ice. Shake, pour into funky glass, add a pinapple triangle and an umbrella. Drink. Sigh.

Talk about a classy entrance...

I'm back! And so is my butt.

Maui was amazing and it feels like I've been gone forever...I'm having a hard time getting into the swing of things, including blogging. So until I feel armed and ready to enter the blogosphere, I'll leave you with a picture of my boogie boarding attempts and a link to HERE where you can look at some mouth-watering pictures of Maui on my travel blog (don't worry, it's pictures of food, no more near-nudity).

Musings of late February

The above photo was taken by my bf's roomate. I was modeling for him (he is a photographer and it was school project and I was a last resort - hence why I have no makeup on, am dressed like a fat bag lady and didn't have a hair brush with me) and he was taken photos from across the alleyway like a stalker. My bf had to go to the doctor (due to painful bursitis in his shoulders), so he came out onto his roof to say good-bye (yes, I was being photographed on the roof).

His roomate snapped the pic without our knowledge, so I think it's just a wonderful candid shot of a parting moment.

But what is most interesting is...THE WEATHER! Hello! It's February here in Vancouver, Canada, the supposed "coldest" month of the year and I'm wearing a thin shirt and skirt and he's just got a tee on. To be fair, a couple of weeks ago it did snow but lookee now...sunshine, birdsong and spring buds.



And sleeveless wine and cheese on my roof under a dying sun. Bliss!



Now, I am wondering how to blog about this next part without going on and on and on about it. As you are all probably well aware, I tend to write long posts. I don't know why this is, all I know is that summarizing is not my strong point (and in the projects I am currently working on, it has come to bite me in the ass).

But I digress and shall get straight to the point....without sounding like one of those ungrateful or full-of-themselves people. So I will start off with this qoute from Friends, because I think it applies here.

"My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

Ahem.

I look in the mirror and I see someone who is funny looking. I have an odd-face. I have numerous body flaws (even despite my recent weight loss). But I have blonde hair and I guess my figure is OK and I know that other people tend to say I'm "hot." I am not going to argue because I will never think that, but I can see WHY they would say that. I would just never let myself think that about myself because it's conceited, etc. And if you know me, you KNOW how much confidence I lack.

Regardless, I get pinpointed as being "hot" and I have never noticed this so much as when I started going out with my boyfriend 8 months ago.

I never got it much in high school and if it was it was in my group of friends (who were all punks, bangers, skids, druggies, goths) and not the school in general. I never got it afterwards because I was too fat (for my frame and my looks...I was at 169lbs at my worst and, yeah, it had people going "Lusty would be the hottest chick if she wasn't so damn fat" - a real quote from a real "friend" of mine). And I never really got it in University...until after I was down to 128lbs. And even then, I never heard it.

But my love now never lets me forget it. His friends don't let me forget it. Everytime we go out someone makes a comment about my looks. The guys say it in a nice way, the girls say it bitingly. Regardless, I hear it a lot. Do I get hit on a lot? NO. Actually, I rarely do. But I hear it and it's OK but it gets kind of annoying after awhile.

OK, so NOW is when the "My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" quote comes in because I know you all are rolling your eyes and saying, gee what a terrible problem to have. People constantly complimenting you.

Let me just say, I appreciate it. It's a novelty to me. I like it when people try and be nice. It does help my self-esteem sometimes.

But there is a downside to this that has been PISSING ME OFF as of lately.

When people start to see you as the Rockstar's "hot girlfriend," you start to diminish as a person and start to become an object. Unless they actually know me well, most people will stereotype me as some hot blonde chick and assume I am:

A)Stupid
B)Useless
C)Worthless

Maybe it's blonde thing because dark-haired beauties don't tend to get this assumption as much (I don't know, Kiwi, what do you think?). Maybe I need to dye my hair and wear glasses. But that's not me.

So all the emo, art-fag chicks that hate on me, hate on me because they don't understand how a hot blonde chick who wears cute dresses to rock concerts can possibly be funny, witty, smart and thoughtful. They write me off as being a waste of space and pure eye candy.

This problem continues on into my school world.

Most of you don't know this, but I write screenplays. I've been doing it since I was 21, starting as a hobby and now going as a career. I had one script in 2002 that attracted the attention of a local producer. I had it optioned for 3K (money I never saw when she skipped town eventually) but she did help me develop it and the script was good enough to be chosen to be performed live at a cold reading series. The script also was a finalist in screenwriting contests.

Skip forward a few years, past my days in New Zealand, to University. I had another script and this one actually landed me an agent.

It is very hard to get an agent. You can't get one if you aren't a good writer.

Regardless, he wasn't a very good agent so I am not too sure what that says about my writing skills.

Anyhoo, he sorta promoted my script and then I ended up losing interest. One reason is because I went to LA on a pitch conference (where you pitch your script to Miramax, Paramount etc)and got into an exclusive party. Long story short, I realized Hollywood sucked ass and I didn't want any part of it. Another reason is because people at journalism school kept telling me how impractical screenwriting was and that I should be more realistic.

Of course, they never told me how impractical journalism itself it. So fuck them, I decided. I am going to do this...I have as much of a chance selling my scripts than you do for writing for a newspaper any place other than Fort McMurray (ie, Butt Fuck Nowhere). The fact that right now, 10 BIG producers and 4 BIG agents have my script for review gives me as much of a chance of making it as you sending your journalism resume to the Globe and Mail.

Anyhoo, I don't admit it often because I have not officially "made" it and I don't want people to just assume I'm kidding myself...but that's happening so far.

I'm going to film school*. It's not film school as in "let's play with cameras and pretend to be directors." No, it's a course that deals with learning to be a producer here in Canada...how to get funding from the government, distributors, broadcasters. How to budget and schedule your film using EP. How to be a production manager. How to enter film festivals. Where are the best tax credits. How much is insurance on my 2 mil film going to run me. What can I expect from post production (an aside, we went to a Technicolor lab today and I got to handle an undeveloped roll of Heath Ledger's last film Dr. Parnussus. I wasn't sure if the new footage, that was just dropped off at the lab, had Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel or Jude Law in it - his replacement actors - but I felt special).

Our program is very intense and has a lot of big people in it. One classmate produces the CBC show "The Guard." Another classmate is producing her first horror film with Kristin Kruek. One instructor is an actual Entertainment Lawyer who has worked on some big stuff. Another instructor has just produced Canada's first stop motion animation film. One instructor was the DOP on The Punisher sequel (and the new Captain Cook series on the History channel). One class project has us pitching our "shows" to a panel of judges that include the president of Lionsgate films. These are BIG people.

And they all look at me like I'm an idiot. Whenever I mention anything about writing, they just brush me off. Assume I can't do it. "Look at her, thinks she can write, what does she know?"

What do THEY know?

They completely judge me by my cover. The girls are the worst too, it seems like the guys are at least taken me remotely seriously. They at least take in what I have to say, nod a few times, perhaps. But the girls in my class don't even listen. They think I am full of bullshit. Many a time in group projects where something has involved writing or knowledge of scripts, they write me off. They don't give it to me, in fact they don't give any work to me. Look people, I have only a few strengths and many, many weaknesses (um, writing too long blog posts).

My strength is writing, I have come to believe this over the years - and fuck, even now I don't know if I can write shit at all - but it's the best I have to offer.

And no one will take me up on that offer.

Whaa, whaa, whaa, whinge, whinge, whinge. I must sound like a baby complaining about these things. But I would do anything to be taken more seriously and it seems until I actually make it, I'm going to have a long hard road ahead of me.

Some person commented on another blog and said, "There is nothing more important in this world than being a hot chick. You don't have to do shit."

I'm here to say that you couldn't be more wrong. Being hot may work in your favour as an actor (and even then, have you heard about Jessica Alba complaining about not getting Natalie Portman's parts? Yes, she is a horrible actress but...) or as a model or as a trophy wife, or a bartender, or perhaps at a company where the boss is a sleazeball. But other than that, you have to work just as hard.

And to be taken seriously for what I want to do, I think I have to work even harder.

Which is fine in the long run. Hard work builds character, it makes you refine what you want and it keeps your faith strong.

It will make the success that much sweeter when I finally am able to prove that I am capable and I can scream in their faces, "HA! I told you so!"

And then, maybe I'll stop complaining about my diamond shoes.

* - I should specify that I am not actually going to "film" school, it is a short, intensive university program that is geared towards people who are already IN the industry and want to transfer their skills to the producers range.

Women are bitches

The weekend before last was a disaster and I can't believe I waited this long to blog about it. But what can I say, I'm a busy woman.

Anyhoo, let's set up the scene, shall we?

My boyfriend has a very close knit group of guy friends that he has known since elementary school. These guys are close...very close...so it's a bit intimidating to try and win the approval of them. My last bf had no friends (in this country) and the friends he did have (his work colleagues) I was not allowed to mingle with.

My Rockstar wants me to mingle with his friends and make them my friends.

Well, we've been together nearly 8 months now and I know I have made a good impression on them. It helps that my bf has never, ever complained about me to them - even though all they do is complain about their gfs to him. Constantly.

And for the most part, I do like his friends. There is one of them I am not too sure about but to be fair, my bf isn't that close with him either - friend by history, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, the point is that all these guys have girlfriends and over the last 8 months I have tried to get to know them better...bonding and all that shit.

In November I orchestrated a girls trip to Whistler for the 5 of them plus my bf's lovely sister. It was a lot of fun and I mainly did it because I knew that the girls always complained when the guys had guys nights and trips so I thought it would be nice for them.

Then in December I had a girls clothing swap. Though most didnt show up, the idea was to bring all the makeup, jewlery, clothes, shoes that you didnt want and trade with the others for stuff you do want. It was a success, and the clothes we had left over we donated to charity. But I mainly did that because I wanted another "bonding" experience plus one girl, Mik (not her real name ;P), had complained before that she never has any nice clothes. I had a lot of nice clothes so I thought it would be a nice thing to do...anyway, she didn't show. Whatever.

Then in January I planned for another girl's night. I had about 10 girls coming over to mine before for drinks, then we would hit the bar. Mik decided to make reservations at this Irish bar that I wasn't too fond of but we all agreed, especially when we found out that we could get on the VIP list and not stand in line or pay cover. A bonus, because we all were broke.

So the night comes. My friend's Robyn and K came over. But the rest of the girls were MIA. Finally I heard from them...they were late and heading straight to the bar. There were only three of them too...Mik, the Swede and Red. I didn't question what happened to everyone else, so we decided to head over.

In the cab, on the way there, Mik calls me. She wants to go to this horrible bar around the corner instead. She says there will be more people there and it will be more fun...more guys and the like. It's also the same bar that she used to frequent when she was single and trolled for hockey players...from what she's said, she's hooked up with a lot of them...especially the married ones. Let's ignore the fact that she is almost engaged here, and that she's a judgemental holier-than-thou Christian who looks down on ME for getting drunk once in a while.

So, she wants to go to this bar for whatever reason and wants to pay the $12 cover. I tell her, on behalf of Robyn, K and another girl, E, that we are meeting at the original bar, that we can't afford to pay cover and why not stick to the original plan for now. She didn't sound too happy about that.

We get to the Irish bar and I can SEE she doesn't look too happy about it. I give her a hug anyway, but she barely smiles. She's wearing what can only be described as a long shirt - again, it's a bit ironic that she hates it when her bf/fiance goes out to clubs because she thinks HE is looking for girls. And when SHE goes out, she wears something like that.

Anyhoo, we go inside the bar and it's packed! It's hockey night and there is barely anywhere to sit but we manage to score a table and few chairs. If she was worried that it would be lame, with no one here, she was wrong.

She looks around. Whispers something to the Swede, grabs Red's arm and says, "We are just going to check our coats."

Half an hour later, Robyn, K, E and I have a feeling they aren't coming back. Then I get a text from her, "Decided to go to the Roxy, maybe see you later."

They didn't come back to say goodbye. They just left. They lied to us.

It's obvious now that when I planned this girls night, we had different ideas. She just wanted to go out with "her" friends (the other gfs). She didn't care about me. She suggested the damn bar and then changes her mind at the last minute for no reason.

I texted her back, sick of this crap and said "You didn't even come back to say bye? This was YOUR idea to come to this bar, I planned a girls night so that we could all hang out TOGETHER and instead you just ditch us?"


No response. Luckily the rest of us were still able to dance the night away and have fun but we were still angry as hell.

I started texting my bf and all he can say is that Mik is a bitch, the Swede is her personal cheerleader but that he was disappointed in Red. Red is not at all like those preppy bitches, she is more like me. He couldn't believe that she would go along with them. But she did.

Later on I found out that the only reason that Red did was because it was her bf that was picking the three of them up. And her bf knew about the situation ahead of time thanks to my bf filling him in on my texts.

So when he picks them up, he asks the girls..."So, why did you guys even agree to go? Do you even like Lusty?"

Red said, "I do!"

Mik said, "No. We don't get along."

WE DON'T GET ALONG????

This is news to me people. I have been nothing but nice to that girl. Buying her lame ass Facebook gifts when she feels sad. Planning a girls swap so that she would have something nice to wear. Creating these girls nights so she doesnt feel so lame when her bf/fiance goes out with his friends. Keeping her company when her bf and my bf are off doing their thing. Hell, when I got drunk in front of her back in November (see my "Sobriety" post) SHE was the reason I haven't gotten drunk since! I felt her judging me...HELL I was SOBER on Halloween because I was too afraid to get drunk lest she would look down on me again. I COULD HAVE BEEN WASTED!!!

So yeah. We don't get along. She doesn't like me DESPITE the fact that I have heard NOTHING BUT HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT HER and yet always still gave her the benefit of the doubt.

My boyfriend is really upset about this revelation. Her bf is his best friend, M. Every single one of M's friends hate Mik...with a passion. My bf is the ONLY friend of his who is actually really nice to her and who never says a bad thing about her, even when M is going off about her. The worst he has ever said is "Mik is being unreasonable" when, like, she broke into his msn account, found a picture of a chick that a guy friend was dating (he sent he pic to show M what she looked like) and then accused her bf of cheating. And when I say accused, I mean attacked.

So it's ironic that of all the girlfriends, I AM the only one she doesn't like. What's worse is that we can't figure out why she doesn't like me. It could be because I drink and she doesn't. It could be because I call myself a Christian and she doesn't think I should. It could be because she's jealous of me. It could be because I (according to my bf) have a dominant personality. It could be because everyone likes me...and no one likes her.

Which makes me think back to a few weeks ago....I went to bed early on a Saturday night. The guys were having a guy's night and I had to get up early for school. My phone was on silent so I didn't hear it ring at 330AM. The next day I saw I had a missed call from a long distance number.

I googled the number and traced it to Mik's parents house on Vancouver Island. I knew she was on the island because that's the only reason her bf was able to attend guy's night.

Why would she, someone who I am not close with and who doesn't like me, call me from her parent's house at 330 AM on Sunday morning?

Turns out she was harassing her bf all night and checking up on him. He finally told her to stop calling him, turned off his phone. She I guess assumed that I would be with my bf and he would be with hers so she called me to check up on her bf/fiance and find out what he was up to.

This is just something my bf and I have deduced but holy crap. What a psycho. I could go on and on too about this girl. I'm just amazed that someone like THAT would have such a problem with lil ol' me.

I guess I should mention that she did send me an apology over Facebook...which seemed so insincere..."I hope you can forgive me and we can move on." You know, I would have but now that I know she doesn't like me....tough cookies. It means nothing to me.

Red apologized too and I ended up speaking to her face to face on Friday night. She felt really bad and it turns out she doesn't even like the other girls all that much since she feels she cant be herself around them and that she wants to get to know me better since we are more alike. I knew she was sincere and we have plans for a girls night, just us two, next weekend.

So that is that. Girls are bitches. I know that you are always going to have people that don't like you in your life, no matter what you do, it just pisses me off that I often go out of my way to get to know people and make them feel good and in the end they just hate me anyway. I don't know why I have always been a target for bitchy girls, I get it every day...and it seems to get worse as I get older, I have no clue why.

In other news, things have been running smoothly. School is hardcore intense but I still love it. I've been up to some top secret stuff that could change my life forever but until it happens, I am not going to mention it on this blog....I don't think any of you would take me seriously.

Dad has agreed that we need to sell the apartment and we will start doing that in May/June.

My wonderful bf spent three hours trying to fix my toilet and in the end, succeeded (with the help of a neighbour). Even though my bf is so not a manly man, it was really honorable that he was determined to fix things and watching him with his tool kit was definitely a turn-on :P



I just found rasberry-filled Tim Tams and Worcester-flavoured Walker's chips at a gourmet cancy store.

Lost has been blowing my mind. I can't believe how good it is again.

I just got a Brazilian wax today, my first professional one (yes I have done it myself). It was comparable to going spread eagle to the gynocologist, but instead of a spatula they pour hot wax in your hoo-haa and ass-haa and then rip it off. I was kinda embarassed at first, it's really such an odd experience, but the pain was temporary and by the time I left the salon it was just a memory. I'm super happy with the results and can't wait to wear my Brazilian cut bikini to....


...HAWAII NEXT WEEK!

Yup, next tuesday the man and I are flying to Maui and spending a week with his parents. They are paying for everything and I can't wait. It doesn't even seem real and it's been SO long since I've been to the islands. Arrrrrg, we both need this vacation like you wouldn't believe!

Valentine's Day Rant

I hate this day.

It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, it sucks.

My boyfriend is broke. He knows it, he hates it, I know it, I hate it. But there isn't much we can do about it so we just accept it and move on.

Then days like today come along, with girls bragging about what their "wonderful" boyfriends have bought them....flowers, chocolates, gifts, trips, expensive dinners, etc.

It just puts so much emphasis on what is NOT important. These material things that mean nothing at all. These girls forget that most of the year, their boyfriend is a douche bag, and on this one day, suddenly an expensive meal makes up for the fact that they never call her back, or get too friendly with other girls when drunk, or never take out the garbage, or never put in any effort into the relationship or never make them feel like they are the most important thing in their life.

Last year, my (ex) boyfriend did something very nice for me. He bought me a trip to the spa, plus cheesey balloons and flowers. My boyfriend this year probably won't give me anything.

But what I have learned is that I would rather have a man who perhaps can't spend any money on me but treats me like absolute gold EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR than a man who gives me gifts but can't even give me his heart.

So shame on you, Valentine's Day, for emphasizing the shallow side of relationships and ignoring that deep down, what we really need on this day is someone's heart....and not one that is filled with expensive chocolates.

As If I Needed Another Reason

Today I found out that my maintenance fees for my apartment have doubled.

Yup. Instead of paying $282 a month for NOTHING (which I already thought was high) now I pay $543.

FIVE HUNDRED AND FOURTY-THREE DOLLARS A MONTH for a tiny pool that is only open 3 months of the year, elevators that don't work, a very unsafe and unsecure building and a central heating system that leaves a layer of dust all over my place.

ON TOP OF THE FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE I PAY IN MORTGAGES.

That means I am paying well over a $1000 a month for 430 tiny square feet.

Now I mean business. Since I co-own the place with my dad, I just emailed him the facts. If this doesn't sway him to sell, I don't know what will. Aside from the fact that the small yellow house in front of me has been bought by a real estate company and they are planning to build an 18-storey highrise there by next year which will COMPLETELY BLOCK THE SEA VIEW FROM MY APARTMENT - actually, all views and even the roof deck will be affected since my building is about 5 floors lower than the proposed one.

I

AM

SO

OUT

OF

HERE

Apartment For Sale

Dear Lights,
Why must you keep going out? First it was the one in the hallway, now the kitchen. Soon, I'm going to be in complete darkness. Don't you realize that I would rather not spend my money on you and that I am so damn busy I can't even go out and replace you (hence why I am writing a half-assed post)?

Dear Toilet,
Please stop running! I don't know what's wrong with you, how you look like you are fine and then suddenly WHOOOOOSH in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of me. It has got to be the most annoying sound in the world and I don't appreciate you causing my bf to lift the back off of you and stare into your watery cauldron, waiting to see what the hell you are doing, exactly. I also don't appreciate it how you act "normal" when you know you are being watched. Don't make me call a plumber. DAMN IT! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Dear Neighbour I never see,
Stop staring at me when you see me on the street. Either say hello or don't. It's weird. Also, I know you are never home but I've noticed that when you ARE actually home, your TV is really, really loud. I know I could just tell you since you seem to be quite nice but I guess I am just mad at my apartment's lack of sound-proofing. And I recent how the people who sold you the place told me you were "pretty" and my "age." You're FORTY! You aren't my age!!!!

Dear Neighbour beside me,
I just plain hate you. I don't know why you are home everyday. I don't know why your TV is on all day. I don't know why you play horrible, cheesey techno music. I don't know why I never hear anyone in your apartment. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, young or old, gay (most likely) or not. I don't want to know. I just wish you weren't right THERE, on the other side of my bed. Though, considering how often my bed rams against the wall during sex, I bet you wish I wasn't here either.

Dear neighbour below me,
You were the unassuming one. I never heard a peep out of you except for the occasional folk music that you would play once a month. Now, when you have your tv on, IT'S THE LOUDEST OF THEM ALL. WHAT GIVES? Is this payback for me walking around with me heels on? It's not my fault I have hardwood floors.

Dear neighbour above me,
Don't get me started. You are an idiot. Why do you have to invite your buddies over to watch the hockey game and why must you YELL OUT THE WINDOW at them everytime they pull into the parking lot?? Why must you smoke out the window too??? That's disgusting and it only enables me to hear your stupid, dumb-ass jock laugh and your stupid hockey sounds ("Ooooooh!"). And why does it sound like you are dropping the ocassional bowling ball at night - don't tell me those are weights. Cause, if they are, they aren't doing any good. I never hear a girl in your apartment, just that porn you have on repeat.

Dear annoying thumping noise,
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? Why does it sound like someone is pacing to one end of their apartment in heavy shoes and then pausing for 5 seconds and pacing back. ALL DAY LONG! ALL THE TIME! WHAT the hell is this noise? And WHERE the hell is it coming from??? It's faint, I know, and I suppose it could be easy to ignore. But I can't, it throws me into a frenzy. I feel like Lisa Simpson when she made her diorama of The Tell-tale Heart.

Dear apartment,
I no longer like you. You are way too dusty, I feel like I have to vacuum everyday. You are way too annoying, all these people around me. You are way too expensive, I don't know why my maintence fees are so high. You are way too small for me. After nearly two years of living with you, I have accumulated way too much stuff it's not working out anymore. There is no place to put anything. My closet is beyond stuffed. I don't have anywhere to put my schoolbooks and homework.

And I am really, really sick of just living in ONE room.

Besides, when I get engaged or married, there is no WAY the two of us are going to fit in here.

So this is it...

Dear apartment,
I AM SELLING YOU.

Any takers?

Serial Monogamists = scared to be single?

Just thought I would throw out there...

A friend of mine and her bf recently broke up (not the couple I have been talking about lately though). It's been a few weeks and already the girl has found a new boyfriend.

Now, I have to ask this, but why are some women so afraid of being single?

This friend has never been single for more than a month in the 10 years I have known her. She just goes from guy to guy to guy. And sure, the relationships have already been pretty long, she's not so much of a "slut" but still, way to rack up the numbers in your bedpost.

I've noticed this happening a lot, with other girls that I know and I just don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been single for three years at one time, I don't feel I need a man to be "complete,"...I don't know. But so many girls just go from one relationship to another, without having any time spent truly on their own.

Are they entering these relationships honestly liking the guy, or are they just afraid to be alone? I mean, how can you "love" or "really, really like" the last guy and then a month later suddenly you "love" or "really, really like" the next guy? In my world, REAL feelings take time to develop. When you flit from "Oh he's the one" to "oh, HE'S the one," to "Yeah, this guy is the one too," how can any of those feelings be anything but shallow?

Do they think society will look down upon them if they don't have a guy in their lives? One girl just hops from bed to bed to bed hoping that soon one of the guys she lays will want to have her for more than a one-night stand. I tell her, "just ENJOY BEING SINGLE! Who you are is not dependent on who you are WITH! Having a guy in your life does not make you better than anyone else."

And this seems to happen more with girls than with guys. Sure, most guys will go out and get laid on occasion, but they aren't as likely to freak out and go, "OH MY GOD, I'm single! Quick I better get a woman, I don't know how to live with just ME!"

Now, I do know a few guys who actually are like that, so I am not saying it's just a girl thing. It just seems to happen more.

Anyway, I just wish women weren't so afraid to be alone. So many won't even go traveling if they don't have someone to go with...you know what? If you wanna go somewhere, GO ALONE! If you use common sense, it wont kill you and you will have a guaranteed blast.

It seems like in this day and age that so many people are connected to each other by blogs and facebook and dating services, "being alone" has become some sort of plague to be avoided.

It's not. You are born alone and you will die alone. Try spending sometime with YOU and once you get to know YOU, you'll never feel alone again.

Disclaimer: I am aware that I started going out with my current love only two months after the last one dumped me. This was out of the blue and a relationship was not what I was looking for. In fact, I was looking forward to having the freedom of being single and moving on so quickly did throw me for a loop. I am glad I lucked out like that, but had my love never showed up in my life and I was still single now, I know I would NOT be dating and would just be single and living my awesome life. By myself. And keeping an eye open for any opportunities that come along when you are busy making other plans

Teeny-weeny Bikinis and French Clothes

"She wore an itsy bitsy teeney weeney, yellow (polka dot) bikini, that she wore for the first time today."

Today my Victoria's Secret bikini arrived in the mail. I normally buy VS bikinis (among other things) every year however this was the first year I was able to buy both the top AND bottom in size small. Not only that, but I purposely chose the Brazilian cut model because the bottom was skimpiest and showed off your ass.

ME showing off my ass? What is the world coming to??? Normally I buy the one with the biggest coverage and spend my days on the beach figuring out how best to hide my bottom. Now, for the first time in my life, I am looking forward to strolling on the beach in my bikini, for all the world to see.

That's not to say I am completely comfortable. I still have and always will have horrible scarring on my ankles but I figure if the rest of you looks hot, who cares, plus I've bought Dermablend's body makeup which can cover tattoos, scars, etc. Also, my thighs are jiggly and will always be the largest part of me. But I've come to terms with that, as well as my arms and poochy stomach, etc. Can't win em all!

I now weigh around 125-127 lbs and I plan on staying this way. That's a huge drop from 138 in November but I know my limits. Last week I stepped on the scale and it read 124. 124! That's nuts. Instead of being happy about weighing so little (I'm 5'6", it's little to me), it actually made me uneasy. I didn't want to weigh that, to feel like my face was losing its fullness, my boobs threatening to leave B town and head towards A territory. I felt like it wasn't "me." So I made a point of pigging out so I wouldn't lose anymore and now I am happily hovering at 126 lbs. Yes, I do need to work on toning up and getting more definition but for now, losing weight is DUNZO!

In other news, my favourite French clothing brand, Lochers, arrived in the mail too (such the online junkie I am). Though a bit pricey for a simple shirt or necklace, Lochers nevertheless makes unique and darling items. I already had two items of theirs, this shirt:

I Hate
Children

As well as this innocent number:

timid front

Or perhaps not so timid..guess I'm a bad girl HA HA


And today I recieved this lovely shirt (was on sale):

front: Good Luck

MOTHERFUCKER!

I contemplated wearing the I Hate Children shirt to Disneyland, but that really might have been pushing it.


BTW - LOST IS ON TONIGHT! Who out there is SUPER EXCITED like I am????

The Bubble

Before I started classes, we had some recent graduates come in and tell us what they thought of the program. One noted that the real world was much scarier and that he would love to be back in school (having experienced that myself in Journalism School, I know what he means). He also said we will become engulfed by this film bubble and that, my friends, has already happened.

I haven't had a day off in a week and I don't get a day off until Friday. And even that sucks because of my 845AM class on Saturday. So I have been seeing the same darn people EVERY SINGLE DAY and been walking the total of 40 minutes every single day to school and back (through rain, sleet, snow, random couples that ask you to have a threesome with them on Friday night) and been sitting in the same class room every single day. My thoughts are as follows: film, film, film, food, film, film, film, film, boyfriend, food, film, film, film, friends, film, film, film. And this will continue till April, so...I better get used to it?

But I'm not complaining, really, because what I am learning is wonderful. Just last night, as we dissected how the initially narrow release of My Big Fat Greek Wedding went wide and gained momentum 5 months after it's opening, I was struck by just how cool it was that THIS was what I was studying. Being a film junkie ever since Jurassic Park came out and I made dinosaur movies with my camcorder, this is something like heaven. A stressful, time-consuming, tiring, bubble of heaven.

Of course, there is a class I could do without: Entertainment Law. It's not that I am not interested in law (OK, I'm not) but it's that an actual lawyer teaches our class. Not a TEACHER but a lawyer. He's young too and personable and the poor guy was nervous as hell but...just because you practice law does not make you good at explaining it to people who just want to make a damn movie.

But, so far, the best class of all is our Professional Skills Development program. I wish they taught this class in high school, I wish it was mandatory before you went to University and wasted money.

This class is all about YOU. What are YOU good at? What are YOU passionate about? What puts a smile on YOUR face and how can we make that YOUR career? If you were to inherit 80k for one year and you could choose to do anything, the only catch is that you have to do it 8 hours a day, 5 days a week...what would you choose?

And even those three questions...are hard! What am I passionate about?

WHAT AM I PASSIONATE ABOUT?

I have no idea, honestly. What makes me happy? I don't know...thuderstorms, my boyfriend, sex, Fruit Loops...how does that equal a career?

The point, luckily, is that most people don't know and the purpose of the class is to find out. One of the first things he had us do is write down what you are a resource for.

You know: you are at a cocktail party, don't know anyone and someone starts to talk to you. What is the thing you could talk about forever, that you don't have to think, you just are so comfortable with and so knowledegable about that you are "Unconciously Competant."

This was my list, and no matter how silly and useless, you had to put everything down:

I am a resource for...
*Celebrity gossip
*How to write a script
*How to sell/promote your script
*How to have a blog people read (uh, I hope)
*geography (places, cities, countries)
*Animals (what will you find in Tanzania)
*Anything and everything about horses and riding
*Best places to travel and stay in Western Europe, Aus, NZ
*The neweset makeup and skincare products plus tips
*All classic films, esp. The Star System and anything Hitchcock
*How to lose weight quickly and easily

So that's what I know and know well. Random, yes but somehow this information will be applied to my career. After all, it's all about what YOU can bring to the table and how your skills in one area can be transferred to another.


Now it's about YOU, fellow readers. If YOU had to do something, ANYTHING, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, what would YOU do? (don't worry if it's abstract. One example was that an unemployed guy said, "reading, books, magazines, anything"...now he's a rich guy's chauffer and guess what he does most of the day while waiting to pick up his boss from the Men's Club, cocktail parties, the theatre? He has stacks of books beside him in the limo and he just READS all day and is happier than he has ever been).

Also, what are YOU a resource for?Be honest...


BTW - I know I said I was going to have some video blog post today...I did film it but I look like crap on camera and I am not sure what I am going to do with the footage, it's kinda lame and NOT AT ALL what I had envisioned in my mind. I downloaded editing software though, so you may or may not see a video blog post soon.

Sobriety

Above is a photo from the last time I got wasted. I think this picture is awesome. I don't remember why my boyfriend has underwear on his head, where he got the flowers from, what I am doing in the picture or where I was.

I know that it was a Wednesday night in November and we had gone out to a bar to watch our friend's debut on a TV show. Then drinks followed and I was gone.

The next morning, as my groaning bf went to work, I somehow drove home and realized I lost my house keys the night before. If I was smart, I could have got a hold of the apartment manager and they would have let me in (I had spare keys inside). But I wasn't smart and for some reason my next course of action was to drive to my parent's house, 45 minutes away. That was not fun, and I can't recall why I did that.

Anyhoo, since this incident, I have not gotten wasted. I have gotten drunk, yes, with a close eye on how much I have been drinking. But (aside from NYE which was more of an illness thing), I have successfully not gotten stupidly drunk.

And now with school on Saturday and Sunday mornings, the opportunities to get stupidly drunk are fewer and farther between. That's not such a bad thing. After the November incident, my bf's best friend and his supposed fiance now think I am some huge pisstank. Excuse me, but it takes two to tango. I am not the one with underwear on my head. Anyway, it just bugs me when you get really drunk ONCE and then afterwards you forever hold this reputation.

I know his best friend doesn't really give two shits whether I am a wino or not but his "fiance" holds it above me like I'm some terrible person. So I got wasted once. I slurred like an idiot, danced foolishly and had a great time - I lost my house keys but that only affects me. Why should something like that matter to someone else? Just pisses me off...

Anyway, since I have been updating my blogs and such, I wanted to give a shout out to a few of my current faves, and new ones too.

Persisting Stars: Blogger Madelyn writes some of the most beautiful prose in the blogosphere. Whenever I feel down and out, I go to her blog and am immediately inspired by her poetic and refreshing attitude to the world. What's even more inspiring is the fact that she finds (and beautifully photographs) unexpected treasures amidst the mundane, finding life everywhere she looks. She too lives in Vancouver and I have strained to see the city that we share through her fresh eyes. A must read.

Paris, Paints and Chocolate: Officially known as Paris Breakfasts, Carol's watercolor-a-day paintings and wonderful photographs and musings on Paris's best pastries, treats and sentimental objects is a wonderful escape from the doldrums of everyday life.

KarinaXOXO: Not only do we share the same name, but we share the same taste in all things girly: makeup, fashion and shopping. Light and Breezy, Karina keeps you on your toes and ahead of the style game.

Eurobabe: Not only is La Femme (or Adeleine) a gorgeous specimen, she writes gorgeously too. Her keen eye and humility picks up on the best style trends from around the world and shares her findings with us lucky readers.

Random Robyn: I call her this because she is. Having gone to journalism school (and Las Vegas) with Robyn, I know she has a very unique writing style and approach to life. Having just come back from a two-year stint as an au pair in England, I'm curious to see where her spontaneity will take her next. Besides, perhaps, being the cause of me getting stupidly drunk again.

Odette est Paris: New to the blogging scene, I wanted to give a shout-out to my Tsawwassen homie Odette. She's now living in Paris as an au pair and just acquired a pretty great boyfriend, so I know she's gonna have lots of tales for us in the months to come. No pressure though, Odette ;)

So sue me!

I'm just gonna come out and say it:

I don't like babies.

I don't think they are cute (generally, there have been exceptions). They scare me. They are so soft-headed and fragile and snivly looking and cry all the time and I don't what to do with them. So I stay away.

Does this mean that I would love to drop-kick a baby into the street (like Dave Chappelle, lol)? NO. But it does mean that if I see a dog and see a baby, I will ignore the baby and go coo over to the dog.

Am I fucked up? Possibly. I also don't have any maternal instincts, or a very low variety of them anyway. I don't think having children is vital to a happy existence and I can't stand smug mother's who tell me, "Oh you must have children, it's the best thing ever." I know that their kids have made them happy but they shouldn't push their politics on others. I AM the one who decides what makes me happy.

I know a lot of people who don't know if they want kids, a lot of my friends who - like me - don't think babies are cute. To quote an articulate friend of mine, "It's ridiculous how women expect each other to share this universal maternal instinct. I find that new mothers get SO offended when I don't want to hold their babies, or I don't immediately comment on how beautiful he/she is. They all look like Ed Asner to me." I know people like my own mother is very supportive of my choice to NOT have kids (if, in the end, that is what I choose). Even though I am the love of her life, she herself does not think that children are necessary to a great life.

Anyway, I'm not set in my ways. I know that when I am married (or not) and 35, something might kick in and if it does, yay for me. But it's not my goal in life to have a child and I think I will be quite happy without them, if that's how things go.

That's just me. And I should be able to believe in that without being bombarded by angry women (so please, angry women, don't bombard me).

For example, a friend of sorts on Facebook just had a child. Weird-looking little thing (it's a newborn, they aren't cute to me, sorry) but there was one picture of the three of them that really was sweet. And the newborn was even looking at the camera - I don't even know if that's possible at that age. But it was and it was a lovely picture and the baby looked sweet.

So I commented: "I don't even like babies... but this is actually really cute. Yay family!"

And some friend of their that I DON'T EVEN KNOW comments after me: "What kind of a person doesnt like babies? Ummm anyways... GORGEOUS!!! SHe is just perfect!"

WHAT KIND OF PERSON? A person like me...oh, I guess that means a heartless, cruel, devil-worshipping cunt, right? Did they not even read my comment? I said that THIS baby was cute! That means a lot coming from someone who doesn't like babies, it's a huge compliment! Where does someone I don't even know, come off with saying stuff like that?

Listen up, you women out there. Just because some women happen to not think babies are cute and aren't going gaga over them, doesn't make them bad, heartless and uncaring people. It just means I don't like babies! I'm sure I would love my own and think it's the bomb, but other than that, sorry! It's just the way I am. And I think people should be allowed to be just the way they are without getting some snide, condescending comments from people who don't agree.

That's just my two cents.

Enough change already!

Well that didn't take long.

After being knee-deep in school for the last few days, I have discovered that I no longer need change...my life is changing rapidly already.

School though is awesome, though walking through the city streets at 830AM on a Sunday morning is a bit surreal I find, as is going to bed at 10 on a Saturday night. But I'll get used to it. And I would mind it if the classes weren't so darn interesting.

Not only am I learning new stuff - I thought it would all be a rehash of what I already knew of the film industry since I've been to screenwriting school, however the business and creative sides are different - and I am finding it to be delightful. It's also inspiring me to dust off my screenplays and start writing again, which is just awesome. So much use of the word awesome, but I don't care - you know what else is awesome? Having actual producers as teachers, I've got my foot in the door already.

One thing though that I can tell you already, is I am probably not cut out to be a production manager (which is one of the avenues you can take after you graduate). I thought managing an office was hard...try a million dollar production! In fact, go rent or youtube the documentary Wrath of the Gods. It will give you a keen idea how hard it is to get a film off the ground and how its even harder sometimes to keep it going. It's truly amazing, watch it!

Anyway, I am still holding true to my not wanting to party with the same old, same old anymore, which I think will be fine since I am branching out to some people I haven;t seen in awhile. A change of facial scenery will be so welcome.

Even today I went out for lunch with the girl I had previously talked about (the one with the bf problems). Anyway, he ended it with her for good over the weekend. I felt so bad for her, because I had so been there...she wanted to keep fighting for the relationship and he just gave up (just as it was with my ex and I). Funny thing was, the day before he broke up with her he told her he planned on asking her to marry him come the summer. And then broke up with her the next day. Why do guys do that? My Ex also said that he wanted to marry me "some day" and all that, then three weeks later dumped with in the same "I dont love you anymore" way. Yet was adamant that he meant what he said three weeks ago. Sometimes, I just think guys are idiots.

Regardless though, it was a difficult lunch because she was still blindly optimistic that they will be back together soon and I really had to bite my tongue from telling her the truth - that he already HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND! Yup, I was sworn by my bf to not tell, but her ex already is going out with that co-worker that she had caught him flirting/emotionally cheating with. I really wanted to tell her because I know it would be a huge blow when she does find out but...my priority is my bf and I promised him I would not tell. And honestly, it is none of my business. So I did the best I could and tried to keep her realistic, ("maybe you'll get back together one day, you know, after you see a few people"..."It's too soon to think about that"..."yeah, you would think"...I didn;t say that last part) without revealing too much. Oh well, break-ups are no doubt hard and it's gonna suck for awhile for her regardless of what happens.

And then Heath Ledger died today, which has left me in utter shock. I don't even particularly like the actor but it still almost made me cry. So sad when that happens, I hate to think of how his ex Michelle Williams must feel and his poor daughter Matilda. While at this point they dont know if it's overdose or suicide...what a way to go, over-the-counter sleeping pills. I had no idea Heath was one of "those" actors, but I guess we all have our demons. I wonder if playing the Joker really got to him, or perhaps he never recovered from the split with Michelle. Such a shame, and Brad Renfro too having just died last week. As my boyfriend just texted me, it's been a weird year so far.

Also we saw the movie Cloverfield last night, which I have been wanting to see ever since I saw the trailer before Transformers. It was really nice since my class last night was cancelled and the Rockstar and I got to spend some quality time together. But before you see this movie, don't drink a lot of wine - it's very Blair Witchy and may make you feel sick. But other than that, I thought it was awesome. I liked that it didn't answer everything (even though I wanna know more!) and that they showed the monster. It was short, intense and effective. Not the best film ever but I thought it was worth seeing. Your thoughts?

Anyhoo, I've got my film marketing class tonight which should be interesting. Sure there will be lots of Heath Ledger talk (can I say that The Dark Knight has such an awesome marketing campaign?). Stay tuned for my next blog post about three horrible events that happened to me last year and how they all worked out for the best in the end. Perfect if you're feeling a little uncertain at this time in your life.

Can you spare some Change?

Maybe it's January, which is usually the longest, dreariest month (to me, anyway). Maybe it's the start of a new year (2008...2008! Think about it! That's C.R.A.Z.Y!).
Maybe I am in the midst of winter blahs (I seem to have forgotten about Palm Springs last month and Disneyland last week. I went somewhere?)

But I NEED CHANGE!

The silly, silly, silly part though is that I am at the start of a HUGE change to my life.

You guessed it, school.

Only it's still too early for me to grasp that A) I am back in school again B) this is seriously going to throw my life out of whack for the next few months. So until I understand that, I feel like I need to do something different with my life.

I'm reading people's blogs (and writing in this one, have you noticed???) and getting wanderlusty all over again. I want to travel. I want to spend the January blues in Paris. I wanna go to Egypt. I wanna, wanna, wanna, GO! AND I JUST GOT BACK FROM SOMEWHERE. And I am going to Hawaii next month. I mean, what gives?

Mainly though, I am just bored. BORED! Bored of doing nothing all day except yoga (actually I haven't done any exercise this month at all due to travel and sickness). And I know that will change. Today and everyday after that as school digs in. And, I'm told, it will DIG in.

Oh and I am really, really bored of the people I hang out with.

A lot of my GOOD friends are kind of dispersed around the place. One is in Montreal and another one just left for there. One came back from England but she doesn't exactly live next door to me. Another is in ButtFuckNowhere, Alberta on an Oil Field. Josh just moved back to New Zealand (as Kass did awhile ago, YOU DAMN KIWIS!). I don't feel lonely or alone but I feel bored with the people that surround me at the moment.

You see, a lot of them...most of them, are from Tsawwassen, my hometown. And that gets annoying after awhile, I have to admit. A lot are my bf's friends who are now my friends. Now, those people, his GUYS, I actually really like and I like their girlfriends a lot too but we don't see them all that often these days, which is too bad.

Whom we do see is his band. Now, I like his bandmembers and they all like me. They know I'm good for a Jaegerbomb or two and can shoot the shit with them. When we are all together, it's a messy, fun time. But recently, they seem to have acquired some groupies. Yes, some new girls have been hanging around the new bassist a lot...and of course, since half the band is from Tsawwassen, there is again, a lot of Tsawwassen people who are ALWAYS around.

The same old group of people who were born in 1985, whom have this whole "I'm gonna be as weird and as random as possible because it makes me cool" kinda thing going on. Who are on coke most of the time and just generally annoy the hell out of you. I never really realized how annoying these people were, the girls especially since they all hate me for unknown reasons (see previous post's guess because I have "blonde hair" and they are the dark haired, emo saracastic rock chicks).

I guess what I am trying to say is...I need a new crowd. Or I need to at least try and hang out more with the other crowd, the people I ACTUALLY like, instead of always ending up at these places where these fucktards will always be. Aside from my bf's concert on the 8th, I'm gonna do my darndest to just stay home, or hang out with someone else in order to not associate with these people anymore.

Thankfully, in a way, my school does go on weekends, 845AM-330 on Sat and 845-5PM on Sun, so my wild weekends are now officially dunzo.

Which brings up another part of my life that's going to change. Boyfriend time! For example, usually I will see him on Friday night after his rehearsal and then we'll spend a nice, languid weekend together that consists of sleeping in, food, movie and lots and lots of sex. Now, if he stays over on a weekend night, I'll have to leave him in the early morning hours (thankfully he has my spare keys so he can let himself out later), which is so lame because morning sex is the best part of weekends! And if he wants to go to Tsawwassen for the night, I can't come because I have to stay in the city for school. I'm even gonna miss Sunday dinner's at his parent's house because my school goes for so late. WHAAAA!

I know it's not the end of the world, and as he said, we will make it work as we always do. It's just going to be a change...maybe a good one, since abscence makes the heart grow fonder and all but honestly...I don't WANT to grow any fonder of the guy, I'm so over-the-top in love as it is. But we'll have to make do, make what time we can for each other (and he is good at that and I so love him for making me a priority in his busy life) and know that this will all be over in April. I'll come out the other end as a production manager/story development/distributor/whatever the hell and jump right into the joys of morning sex again!!!