PORN! - That got your attention...

I just don't get it.

Oh. Porn. Yeah, I get that.

I mean, I like certain types of porn, and I have porn...or should I say, I have a few favourite Internet sites that I can go to in a moment's notice. Free sites, because I'm not that hardcore to start paying for it, but still they get the job done.

So, you can see I have nothing against porn. If I did, it would be very hypocritcal of me.

No, what I don't get is: what is it about your average porn movie that turns a guy on?

Now, this could be one of those huge differences between men and women. It's just when I see most porn videos - and when I say porn videos, I mean the mass-produced, low-budget ones called Lord of the Cock Rings or something (actually LOTCR sounds kinda cool) - all I can think about is how cheesey they are.

I don't understand how cheese (and I mean that with the dialogue, music, actors, plot) can be sexy. When I do watched these videos, I find myself laughing more than being turned on (have you seen the one with the baker doing the girl in the bakery and he keeps cracking eggs on her head and rubbing flour on her chest?).

What kind of porn do I find sexy, then? Anything slightly voyeristic or amatuerish gets my goat (and speaking of, please leave goats and animals out of it). Anything that's real or hints at being real. Homemade sex tapes are seriously hot (except Paris Hilton's, that girl has no clue) as well as anything with a hint of a plot, with more drama and acting than whaa-whaaa-whaaa music.

A great porn video would be set a a dark and rainy night. A gorgeous woman in thigh-highs and a raincoat checks into an old motel. Meanwhile there is a sinister but insanely hot man who is terrorizing women in rusty, roadside motels. He sneaks up on the woman when she is in the steamy shower, lathering up. She screams and drops the soap. He drops his pants. She smiles and says in a throaty, Scarlett Johansson-ish voice "I'll do anything, just please don't kill me." He obliges, grabs her and they go at it. Maybe they are joined by the maid...I don't know.

See? Isn't that a bit more exciting than some trucker named Lance pulling into a truckstop only to be ambushed right away by one fake tittied blonde after another?

Or maybe I'm just being a girl about this.