Saturday, February 10, 2007

Is Polygamy is the New Black?


Seems like everywhere you turn these days, it’s all about polygamy. But like skinny jeans, this new trend doesn't suit everyone. In fact, it seems like a lot of women are trying it on for size, just because it's in, without having any regard to whether this is something that truly flatters them.

Suddenly, being monogamous is seen as “old-fashioned,” “boring” and “stifling.” Open marriages on the rise (though divorce rates are very high but nevermind that) and women are refusing to feel guilty for settling down with one man. Even cheating seems to have become commonplace and heralded among women of all ages. The cheating gap between men and women has shortened, as has the average number of partners (14 for men, 11 for women).

Why is this? I have a few ideas…but let’s take a look at these reasons from these telling quotes of today's rising stars and see what we can come up….

"Sex And The City changed everything for me because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person. It is the variety of partners everyone likes, especially at my age. I'm like Angelina Jolie, taking on lovers. I don't need a steady relationship. I mean if the sex is bad, the relationship's not going anywhere. Anyway, I don't even think I have had my best kiss yet. My mom's going to kill me for talking about sleeping with people!" – Lindsay Lohan

What dear messed up 20-year old Lindsay fails to grasp is that yes, Angelina has taken on lovers…but in an interview she has stated that as sexual as she is, she has only slept with 5 people and all have been monogamous.

So I have to wonder, is Lindsay trying to seem “cool” by being anti-monogamous? Are most women who say they don’t believe in monogamy saying it because they actually believe it, or saying it because it’s “trendy?”

Does Lindsay believe that saying no to commitment and sleeping around makes her seem more sexual (like she believe Angelina is),or more tough as balls (again, like Angelina)?

Perhaps…though quite frankly, your number has nothing to do with how sexual you are. More variety perhaps, but people who are more choosey aren’t any less sexual.

So maybe it’s about being seen as a “tough, strong” chick?

To me, this is a bit more understandable. After all, one of the so-called weaknesses of being a woman is the fact that it’s hard for us not to become emotionally involved. So it would seem that a woman who can have sex without strings and regrets would be seen as someone who is “emotionally stronger” than most.

Or is it a case of “Well, the man is going to cheat on me anyway, might as well beat him to it?”

I’ve been there, I’ve been cheated on and I know that feeling of foolishness that comes with it. You wonder how could you have been so stupid and you feel like such an ass that he thought he was getting away with it all that time. When you enter the dating world again, there is a huge hate for mankind and a surge of not wanting to appear the fool. You figure “Better beat him to it.”

Of course, the downside to that is not only are you pimping yourself for revenge and spite but you might be cheating on a wonderful guy who may not have any intentions of cheating on you. Believe me, these monogamous and faithful men are out there.

Then there is the second quote of the day:

"If for some reason, that's what he has to go do, I just don't want to know. As long as things are good in our house, just please, don't get caught." - Kate Hudson when asked how she would feel is her husband cheated on her. "Monogamy isn't realistic."

Normally this would seem like Kate is just accepting it as part of her free spirit persona...and yes, since we know she cheated on her husband with Owen Wilson, I reckon she would probably turn a blind eye. But even if Kate wasn't the smiley wild child, would being ignorant of marital infidelity be OK? Aren't there women out there who think they deserve more than to be cheated on...or are they just too busy playing the field themselves?

On to our third celebrity comment:

“Monogamy is an overrated virtue, because, let's face it, we're fucking animals." – Sienna Miller.

OK, I have to take this with a grain of salt because isn’t Sienna the one who was literally screwed over when Jude Law cheated on her with the fugly nanny? Isn’t she kind of giving in to the whole incident by suddenly saying, “nah, what Jude did was totally understandable.” Does she think that by saying this, she’s not coming across like the victim? Because it seems a bit like she’s saving face by pretending that what Jude did to her was OK.

Otherwise, lets look at her pont of view. It is valid. My religious beliefs have me believe that we are meant to be with just one person at a time…but putting that aside (and well polygamy is splashed all over the Bible) we are animals. That said, it is our humanity that reaches above being just an animal. We have morals and beliefs and self-control, while animals do not.

We also feel love and attachment, and yes, jealousy. I don’t believe polygamy can work unless there is an absence of these things.

Like everything, monogamy is a personal choice. If people truly can appreciate variety by having many partners and are able to emotionally detach from the situation, then all the power to them.

As for an overrated virtue, I completely disagree…if anything being monogamous has become an underrated virtue, especially with this trend for polygamy on the rise.

Other than that, I hope “we are fucking animals” wasn’t mean to be taking literally…strange stuff goes on in them Hollywood Hills.

Finally we have our fourth quote:

"I wouldn't say I'm a serial monogamist, either. I mean, I went through periods of time when I was, ah, single. But when I'm in a relationship, I'm in a relationship. I do think on some basic level we are animals, and by instinct we kind of breed accordingly. But as much as I believe that, I work really hard when I'm in a relationship to make it work in a monogamous way." - Scarlett Johansson.

I think good ol' Scarl has summed up what a lot of women think. Sometimes it can be hard to ignore the adage "Variety is the spice of life" but when it comes down to it monogamy is more than possible for anyone who wants it.

While polygamy may be the new phase of "sexual empowerment" I think a lot of people who have jumped on this bandwagon have to ask themselves if it's a look they are truly comfortable with or are they wearing it just for the sake of fitting in.

So…why are you - or aren't you - monogamous?

22 comments:

Markbnj said...

Qoq..

Or More accurately: WOW (touch typing on the internet sucks at times).

Your take on non-monogamy is quite interesting, and especially the way you presented it.

Are we sure you didn't trade blogs with Steph?

I do disagree with calling that pologamy though.

Hugh Heffner is into polygamy, with his (3?) current girlfriends.

As Scarlett Said, it is more likely a serial monogamist talking.

However, as a (relatively) elderly type (approaching my 5th decade), I'd say the MOST important thing that is NOT being discussed in either YOUR or, the celebrity discussions is talking about STD

STD's and AIDS/HIV.
Hey it didn't exist (like today) when I was in my 20's.

ANYONE (Sorry Lindsay--I always liked you as an actor, but now I know you're destined to be the first Hollywood starlet to (in the future) die of AIDS/HIV. AND I mean EVEN my DAUGHTER!
who doesn't take into account WHO her boy/girl friend has slept with
is literally taking their life in their hands.

It used to be no big deal before AIDS. But HIV changed everything.
Yeah, sure, you can now live an extra 10-20 years with the drug combos, but at a much different level of life.

So, in closing, I apologize for being wordy and windy, and old(ish) in my thinking.

But I'd rather that someone stop, and take care of themselves before getting a gift that's permanent@

M said...

why? Because I would just love to spend the rest of my life with one person. I don't want a flash in the pan sex. I think it's pretty much pointless, not only that but I want a partner not a nothing. I would like to raise a family - how does that work in any shape, way or form in a polygamous relationship?

Personally, I call bullshit on the 'but we're animals' argument. It just gives people an excuse to treat each other like shit.

Quite frankly hearing that sends off a loud ringing warning bell in my head that says "this guy is just not going to treat me well, he doesn't want to stick around, he doesn't want to invest" - be it right or wrong that's how I think. But not only me - I'd warrant that most woman would feel very icky about a guy who didn't believe that monogamy was the way to go (unless of course THAT girl doesn't want anything serious herself). So, in that case when I hear the animal argument I just back away slowly and make no sudden movements ;)

Eileen Dover said...

Wow.

I am a serial monogamist for one reason, which fuels all other reasons.

I have a desire to be with just one person for the rest of my life, good/bad/ugly, whatever is brought our way.

Along with that is the fact that when involved with someone in a deep-rooted relationship, I couldn't/wouldn't ever want to share myself with another or share them with someone else. Jealousy and rage would literally consume me, and I couldn't emotionally handle it.

And from that perspective alone... there's no desire to even consider it.

Wanderlusting said...

Mark - Wow to you too, you have a very interesting POV as well. Yes, the health risks have increased and sadly condom safety isn't on everyone's mind...in fact, according to a survey done by Esquires and Marie Claire, though HIV/AIDS is people's #1 worry when it comes to sex 25% of women and 30% of men NEVER use a condom when shagging a new partner. UNBELIEVABLE!
I should note that in the interview Scarlett did, she did say that she gets tested for HIV and other diseases twice a year, which I think is GREAT!
As for polygamy, I use the wordonly because it means the opposite of monogamy.

M - I am in complete agreaance with you...the animal thing is most instances is used an excuse to sleep around and cheat and not feel bad about it. Like I said, we are humans and above animals cuz we have the choice to be monogamous or not...it's false to say we can't fight our instincts and shouldn't try.

Eileen - I wouldn't handle it either, and I don't think that makes us "weaker" then people who can handle it.
Besides, I don't know how anyone would be OK with their PARTNERS being OK with them sleeping around. If my bf didn't care if I had other partners, I would be crushed!

Cazzie!!! said...

OK, I am monogamous because...
I love the person I married.
We been married 11 years now.
We have four kids together.
I known hubby since I was 8yrs old.
That's 27 years knowing each other :)
And, I could not be bothered complicating my life any more than it already is by "ïnserting other husband here", LOL.

Cazzie!!! said...

OK, I am monogamous because...
I love the person I married.
We been married 11 years now.
We have four kids together.
I known hubby since I was 8yrs old.
That's 27 years knowing each other :)
And, I could not be bothered complicating my life any more than it already is by "ïnserting other husband here", LOL.

Heart Of Darkness said...

Good posting!


I never got when monogamy went out of style... never knew it was stylish to begin with! I always just assumed it was a way of living...

But I guess being a slut is just like dressing in skinny jeans ;D - try it on for size, and then decide! ;)


Monogamy rules! (or I'll cut it off!)

Peter DeWolf said...

So…why are you - or aren't you - monogamous?

It would be kind of silly to comment on a blog post -- especially a thought-provoking one -- with "I don't know." but, that was my initial reaction.

I'm pretty much a serial monogmaist because... as hard as I tried to fight it when I was younger, it is just how I'm wired.

As unmanly as it may sound, I want sex to mean something.

Also, I'd hate to be considered a "typical guy." Not sure why...

My Marrakech said...

Monogomy definitely. I don't think polygamy works unless the partners agree that those are the rules of the game. And attachment and jealousy I think are common for at least one of the partners.

Kass said...

Lindsay only says that kind of shit because her "boyfriends" don't stick around to find out what a crazy biach she is lol.

I have nothing against people who aren't into monogamy, but like hell would I ever beable to have a polygamus relationship. I' far too jealous and psychotic for that kind of business.

manders said...

Def MONOGAMOUS!!!
Like Peter, I am "wired" that way.
It kills me when I am not treated w/ respect in relationship.... the same respect I give to that person. I think it is easy these days for peeps (man/woman) to "option" and I really don't know why they even do it, as my last b/f did to me. Luckily, I was aware of it and quickly got outta there, but gawd do I feel like shit cuz he couldn't see me as someone to give ALL his desires to. :(

Phil said...

To the people who say we are still animals I suggest they embrace their true nature and disrobe, throw out their ipods, medical access, air conditioning and refridgerators and go live in a hole, caveman style.

Aggh, polygamy would just mean I wrong more often.

Lulu's Lost It said...

It does look like a lot of women are sleeping around and having lots of fuck buddies instead of being with one guy because they think it makes them look cool (prob explains why so many chick bloggers think braggin bout their exploits make them a hot commodity - hello no it doesnt, it makes them look cheap).
And I think it makes them look sad. There reasons for doing it are not cauze its something they believe in (like the animal bullshit remark which is such an easy way out) but because they think they are more SEXUAL than women who dont sleep with lots of men. Its total crap and Im sad that Lindsay Lohan is a role model for young girls. Way to encourage a slutty generation and way to encourage the spread of diseases and loose morals. No wonder this world stinks.

Vegas Princess said...

I think we need to stop looking to celebrities for all of our relationship and sex questions. Nine times out of ten they are more screwed up than the normal person and have a warped view of life in general.

That being said monogomy is something that occurs when you find the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with. But this doesn't happen for everyone. Which is why people cheat. People believe they should be monogomous because society tells them that is right, but it is wrong to be in a serious relationship with someone when you know you are just going to cheat simply because it is the "right" thing to do. The right thing is to be truthful with yourself and your partner. If you don't feel like being monogomous, tell them! If they don't like it, guess what, they are not for you!

Monongomy is a two way street. It is not something that can only work if one person believes in it.

Lulu's Lost It said...

Vegas Princess: I disagree with this: "monogomy is something that occurs when you find the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with".
I've had plenty of bfs, none were really the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with cauze lets face it i am young. But even when I was casually dating them I still believed in monogamy. I just dont see something as personal as sex as something I should share with more than one dude.
Unfortunately though its a two way street a lot of people arent so fortjhcoming with their opinions on the matter. Yes if people are honest enough to say in the beginning "i dont believe in monogamy" then you know what you re getting to. But sadly a lot of people arent this honest and you may think its a twoway street when its really one way.
You see monogamy as something that society tells people is right and that may be true in some sense but I see polygamy as something that "biology" tells people is right, therefore all those "we are just animal" claims.
People are monogamous because they feel its right not becuase society says it is.

Gypsy Purple said...

Great post

I`m monogamous cause as a christian, this is what I believe and I totally love my husband!!

simon said...

I with you guys.. oops! no! i mean I am for monogamy!

ah ha! ;o) been married 22 years this year!
Boy, does that make me feel old!

Janellerific said...

First off, I just have to say that I could never, and will never be in a relationship with more than one person at a time. I've been cheated on (while I was looking after the fuckers kid) and I know that it's a huge trust breaker. I've never cheated, and I never will.

As for the Lindsay Lohan thing...I don't think she understands what she's talking about. There is a difference between being Polygamous and having multiple sexual partners. Polygamy actually includes actual relationships, beyond just the sexual. Just because you have different people with whom you have sex does not mean that you are cheating.

I'm still holding out for one special person to spend a considerable amount of my time with. At this point, it's just me and the cats.

Dayngr said...

Polygamy refers specifically to being married to more than one person at the same time so I'm not sure that term would apply to single gals like Lindsey, Scarlett, etc. That's one reason why dating differs from marriage. You're not tied down to one person when you are dating so you can pretty much date whomever you want.

However, I get where you're coming from. It does appear that Polygamy is making the rounds in the media these days. In fact, ABC (if I'm not mistaken) will be doing an entire segment on it this upcoming week on their show "The Outsiders".

Morals and values aside, I think it all boils down to being committed. (And I don't mean legally, I mean emotionally) Are you committed to the relationship you are in and are you committed to the person you are with? If you are then you aren't going to "wander".

In my opinon, if you're not committed to the relationship or the person then why are you still there?

I am SO not the woman who would go for polygamy. Not happening in my house. (Though I certainly wouldn't mind someone else cooking, cleaning and doing all the other domestic crap - oh wait that is why people hire housekeepers!

I don't believe in cheating. If you want someone else then move on. I also wouldn't accept someone cheating on me either. I have too much respect for myself to allow someone else to disrespect me.

I only wish more women had better self-esteem and respect for themselves.

Scorpy said...

Great post!!!!! ~applause~

Do you think maybe that now we live in a throw away society that we have taken it to the next level? (That is far too simplistic I know)...What about the fact that women have equal rights, pay and conditions and can now choose...many years ago women did not have the freedom to choose, to run away, to change their lives but now they do. They are financially independent, educated and well read (or can be if they wish). I don’t agree with polygamy or cheating but it may help explain some of the reasoning that we now see an increase in it. I know some women in my family (aunts and friends of Mum) that probably would have left their partners if they had an alternative (accommodation), or money (to travel or leave) but they where tied to the children (larger families back then), no career or sufficient education and they were also tied to tradition or church (one marriage)….times are a changin’; and sometimes not for the better
PS: Don’t get me wrong I believe that women have every right to leave a relationship but my point is NOW they can!

erin said...

hey,

sorry to do this in a comment, but i tried to find an email address on both blogs and couldn't .. maybe i just missed it? anyway, i love the title/intro of your blog, but you note "blog" to be a noun, which it is, but it's also a verb as your definition describes. you might want to change that. just thought i'd let you know!

take care, and keep writing! (also, if you've been to belgium or austria, can you share some tips/words of wisdom/recommendations?)

- erin.

Wanderlusting said...

Cazzie - Exactly. One person at a time is enough! Super sweet to hear how long you've known the hubby!

Heart Yeah I assumed it was the way of living too...but I guess a lot of things are a changing in these times.

Peter - Good for you! And no one wants to be a "typical" anything.

Marrakech - Hi!! For sure, jealously is exactly why it wouldn't work...I thin its very rare that you get two people who arent at ALL jealous...and why would you want that anyway?

Kass - Then we are just two psyho little peas in a pod.

Manders - Your last guy was an ASS and so typical of these falsely monogamous types.

Phil - Well said!

Lulu - it is sad...her and Paris Hilton. At least Lindsay is in rehab but...

Vegas - I find it's a tough call because I rarely see people who are monogamous because society tells them to...if anything it is the opposite. But yeah, honesty about your beliefs would prevent a lot of problems. If only people were so upfront!

Lulu- I do find that lots of people are not monogamous because their "animal instincts" tell them to...but why use that as an excuse?

Gypsy I am a Christian too so that helps my way of thinking, but even before I was one, I was still a firm believer in monogamy.

Simon - Wow, 22 years! Congrats!

Janelle - Nothing hurts like someone who can't be devoted to just you...and Hohan never seems to know what she is talking about.

Dangyr - According to the dictionary, Polygamy means taking on more than one spouse, esp Wife...so you are right.

BUT it also says that Monogamy means being married to only one person. In this day and age, both the words Monogamy and Polygamy can be applied to different things and not just marriage/spouses. I used the word because it means opposite of monogamy and well, lack there is of a better one!

Good point though! Women should have more self-respect!

Scorpy - Totally valid point there. Ross and I had a discussion once about this, and how the birth control pill, liberation and women rights have had some somewhat bad things come along with all the good. But I guess that's true of everything and especially in our day and age.

Erin - Thanks for the heads up! For a second I thought you were my bf since he is a copy editor and lives for spelling mistakes...but honestly, I just copied the sentence straigt from dictionary.com!

Be sure to read my other blog, there will be some more posts about Austria...I've done one already, but I love requests!