You know, I've been living in the West End for over five years now and been living in Vancouver for, oh, 29 years. So I've always been by the ocean. Heck, in a way I grew up ON the ocean thanks to my dad's revolving door of sailboats. So you'd think I'd be used to seagulls.
And I am. I am.
But lately, the never-ending calls of the gulls around my apartment building are having me reach for my BB gun. Only problem is, I don't have a BB gun. Or a slingshot. Or a high-powered rifle.
A few years ago we had a seagull we nicknamed WHINEY. For obvious reasons. He would sit on the rail in the parking lot, by my car, and just whine ALL.DAY. LONG. Whiney eventually grew up and now he's a big fat seagull who eyes me warily as I go to my car. But we have an understanding. I don't feed him (though some idiots in our building do) but there is mutual respect. I can see it in his eyes.
But now there's a new Whiney. This one is a million times worse. I've got my music blaring in my ears AND I CAN HEAR HIM STILL. He hangs out on the apartment building next door and just does this incredibly high-pitched squawk. It seems to be directed at the adult seagulls, like he expects them to feed him, but they just ignore him... you know, like you're 18 now, time for you to buy your own food and get your own place.
It's like a gull version of Failure to Launch (somehow the gull IS as annoying as Matthew Maconuserfjhfgrgy or however you spell his name). This bird does not SHUT UP. He is relentless. Like, how does he even breathe? It's like having a car alarm going off outside your window 24 hours a day. I have to sleep with earplugs. He's squawking at 7AM. At noon. At 4:20PM. At midnight. At 3AM.
IT. DOES. NOT. END.
So, now I've got two options. Find a BB gun and pick him off (OR kidnap him, but finding chloroform seems to be as difficult as locating a gun in Canada) OR I can wait for him to find a Sarah Jessica Parker gull (shudder) and GET THE HELL OUT OF HIS HOUSE.
Or I could hire a hit man. Any takers?
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