From Out of Nowhere

^^An amazing song, a fitting post handle and was actually the working title of my first novel (changed now due to cliche contexts, etc).

Anyway, this is the continuation of the last post. I probably should have just wrote out the whole scenario at the time since a few days have passed now and the experience doesn't seem as poignant or as magical as it did at the time. But I digress, I'll try to finish the story with some of the jazz.

Before I go anywhere, just wanted to give a belated birthday shoutout to my muse, Michael Allan Patton. Happy 42nd Birthday (Jan 27)!

I can't think of a more weirder, creative or complex muse to have but that's just the way things go (and as you'll read on, nothing happens by accident). May you only get weirder and more unconventional with age. Continue to push the boundaries and stuff your face with food (and shoelaces). Just remember though, it can't hurt to lay off the hair grease. And maybe get a trim.

ALSO, please keep being a sarcastic smartass and bullshitting the press: for a refreshing clip in this now infamous and unaired interview, scroll to the 55 second mark: "Music sucks. I hate all music" AND play it at the 8:15 mark: "We (Faith No More) want to become a disco band. We are here to defend disco. Wait...is Paula Abdul disco? I really like the new Paula Abdul song, I have to say..." YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE FUCK, MIKE, I LOVE YOU!

So, anyway...

The other day I was feeling down, depressed, anxious and completely off my rocker.

I had heard about this herb Ignatia Amara (sp?) and had already gone to various health stores in California last week but no one had heard of it. Apparently it helps you deal with grief better, feel the sadness without the suffering and also had many other uses, including helping to ground those people who are very ADD and all over the place.

So I went into the really good health store nearby (I've been in there before and they are VERY perceptive) and asked the guy I kind of knew if the herb would help me. He introduced me to their herbologist, naturopath type lady behind the counter because she knew 800 herbs and flowers inside and out and would put me on the right path.

She asked me what was wrong and I could barely speak. Things were coming out choked, in fragments. She took one look at me and said, "everything is caught here" gesturing to my throat, "I can make you something special just for you if you'll come and talk to me."

I followed her to the couches in the corner of the store and it began. First with my first name, then my birthdate, then she was able to deduce a lot of things about me without myself even opening my mouth. It was uncanny. And I am open-minded, thank God.

She said many things about me and about what was going on in my life right now, ie, why the fart was I so shaken up and so lost. I'm not going to repeat everything because A) it's personal and B) I only tell my friends what happened. Not that you aren't my friends, BUT I don't know what you believe and I don't want to share this in detail with someone who isn't open-minded and non-judgemental. Of course, if you believe in more - shall I say "Hippie/New Agey" stuff - then feel free to email me and I'll let you know. Apparently 2010 is one of the biggest years of my life and right now, this turmoil, is just the groundwork being laid, the preperations have begun...

Somethings that I will disclose though, are her observations (I say that loosely because it's more than observing, it's full-on KNOWING). One important one is that I have been dismissed my entire life. And she is so, SO true, I had just never been able to put that...feeling...into context.

I am dismissed by my parents and this angers me. Because they don't hear me. For example, because I am such an emotional and sensitive person, I feel way too much and have no coherent way to let it out. I don't express myself.

I THOUGHT I DID. But after talking about this with my boyfriend and my parents, it's true that what I express is mumbo jumbo. I have problems speaking...sentences are fragmented and disjointed or all over the place. I just can't articulate very well verbally. Most of the time when I think I am "expressing" myself, it comes out in crying or yelling or this huge built-up volcanic explosion which scares the crap out of people and confuses them...(ie, I thought you were mad about THIS).

For example, in Palm Springs, it was a day or two after Muffin's death and my mom and I had just gotten back from the air museum. It was fun but I was down and tired. My mom went into a store, I stayed in the car. It started to POUR with rain and I started crying my eyes out. For muffin, for the loss of control I felt, for other things too, I guess.

My mom gets in the car and offers no sympathy for me. We get to the house, I go straight to my room and my dad says to her, "What's her problem NOW?" and my mom says, "Oh just one of her moods, ignore it."

WELL. I. BLEW. UP.

I flipped my lid and lost it. Screaming, slamming the door, I felt like I was possessed and some fucking demon was escaping out my throat. Of course my parents got scared which turned to anger and it was even worse.

I was so angry. This wasn't a MOOD, the fucking dog just died. I couldn't help it if they were ignoring that, I was dealing with it NOW. I was so angry I vented on Facebook, to which some "holier-than-thou" girl I barely know took it upon herself to act like the fucking Facebook police and tell me off for expressing myself. AGAIN, DISMISSED. Like my feelings don't matter.

Anyway, my reaction scared me but when the empathist/herbalist brought it up, I realized that's why it hurt me so badly. Because no one ever listens to me.

It could also be said that I was so distraught over Muffin's death because I knew she was sick and for days I was telling my parents to take her to the vet BUT THEY DIDN'T LISTEN until it was too late. Yes, taking her to the vet earlier most likely wouldn't have saved her life, but I still felt powerless.

And, btw, my parents admitted to me that they DO dismiss and don't listen to me because they don't understand me and don't know how to "fix" me.

Also, I'm dismissed because of my looks. People look at me and think I'm a dumb blonde and can't possibly be smart or talented or have any sort of idea what life is about.

Even my friends dismiss me because they see the intensity beneath me and it confuses them. It doesn't match my sweet face. (This btw is all her words haha).

No wonder I always want my opinion out there. No wonder I hate talking on the phone and would rather text. No wonder I blog.

And no wonder why I am a writer. This is the only way for me to truly express myself in a compelling and coherent way.

And luckily, my writing is the thing that's going to change me, and others, in the end.

I also met the resident clairvoyant (and medium who does cold cases). This sweet woman could barely stand next to me because I was brimming with such nervousness and anxiety but she too had a few poignant insights. She wasn't a psychic in the sense that she could tell my future, but she could at least tell my present. I might be seeing her again soon, we can work on how I can protect my heart better (I take everything WAY too personally) and how I can prepare for what's going on...and get some damn focus.

There were other weird things going on at work during that session (without me mentioning what had happened with my "office" she was able to describe the mom and the image of cleaning, endless cleaning. So true) and I left with a better understanding of what the FUCK is going on in my life and how to better handle it.

She even made a special formula of several flowers, each having a special purpose in my life at the moment. I take it three times a day and with time, things will change.

Change to what... I don't know. It's day three of this now and nothing crazy exciting has happened. I do feel different. Kind of stoned, definitely a lot calmer, a lot less angry and anxious, so hey, that's something. And sometimes, when I really put my feelers out, I can feel the wheels turning...

So that's my story. Sorry for making it seem more dramatic than it actually was. And sorry for being kind of vague. Like I said, there are lots of other things that were said, I just don't feel comfortable sharing them here. But I do feel, hippie dippy crap aside, that things are going to be different now.

(PS if this post seemed too heavy for you, I suggest you watch that video of Mike Patton above. OH! THAT REMINDS ME! She had said that in times of expansion, I may find myself drawn to certain people or music or whatever. I mentioned my deepening appreciation and love for one certain musician and certain types of music...she said it was no accident that I am being drawn to someone that is misunderstood, opinionated, loud, angry, complex, mysterious and just plain weird. This person has found HIS tool to be heard and express himself, though it's one that most normal people don't "get," now I just have to develop mine).