Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Morning After

First of all, I want to say a big THANK YOU to my blog readers who have stuck around. I see your guy's comments and it really means to the world to me to know you guys are still out there. I've not looked at Sitemeter for a long time cuz I knew the numbers would be disappointing with me blogging less, so for now it's ONLY my comments that let me know people are reading.

Second of all, thank you for your kind words about Muffin. I didn't know the dog that well but her death affected me like no other, probably because I've never seen ANYTHING die before my eyes, let alone something I was trying desperately to help. It's been really, REALLY hard on me and I've had a hell of a time trying to let go of the guilt. Animals TRUST US to take care of them and I failed. I failed.

Of course my parents no doubt feel worse, and for that I am heartbroken too because I didn't think it was possible for anyone to feel worse than I do.

But I'm trying to pick myself up.

It's hard. It's a hard month. Lost my job...lost my dog...lost Conan O'Brien. I totally thought 2010 was THE year and so far it hasn't been good, to say the least. I feel beyond fat, I've lost confidence and I've lost the will to write. In fact, I'm afraid to write because I'm starting to think it's all for nothing. What's the point, life's just going to be a piece of SHIT and it'll come to nothing.

But I'm trying to face my fear and just do it. Ignore the little voices and the overanalysis that I fall prey to all too easy.

I'm also a bit torn about my blog.

I'm losing readers and followers, slowly but surely.

I'm not sure how to correct this.

I think some people expect a FASHION blog out of me but to be honest, it's just not important to me right now.

Aside from being about 15 pounds overweight (which dissolves ANY enjoyment in clothes for me), I haven't bought ANY clothes in over TWO MONTHS! Yes, the shopoholic has been cured, I guess.

So...I'm not rich (I've lost my job, afterall), I'm not skinny as most fashion bloggers are (I blame, well, not going to the gym and being depressed) and I don't have the newest, coolest clothes. I think it's safe to say I have no future in this genre anymore.

I'm sure it'll pick up one day when I get money and confidence and my life starts to be stable enough that I can care about something as stupidly frivolous as the latest designer shoes, but until then I'm kind of at a loss as what to do with my blog.

I just don't have a focus, and frankly I don't care. But I know that this blog does bring me happiness, especially with the people I meet with it, and that it will come in handy down the line. And for that matter I don't want to quit. But...

I just...feel stuck. I don't know what to do. With my life, with this blog, with anything really...

Why the hell do you people read this thing anyway?

PS One good bit of news: buying my Coachella tickets tomorrow morning so I can see Faith No More on April 17th.

I'd gladly pay the $260 to see them, but when you add in some of the musicians I admire most (Josh Homme, Damon Albarn, Dave Grohl, Thom Yorke, John Paul Jones) it's icing on the cake.

PPS I know I haven't been too productive, blogosphere-wise, but I am DEFINITELY coming to visit everyone who commented on my last post. Visit your blogs...not where you live. That would be stalkerish.

PPPS SHIT SON! This is my 601 st POST!


arbyn said...

From what I've read, most successful fiction authors have three unpublished novels under their belt before they start being taken seriously.

Just a random fact I thought I'd put here.

Come home soon, I want to show you my new place!

Wanderlusting said...

Oh, I'm not complaining about the writing industry. I've barely cracked it. This is just LIFE. In general.

That aside, I've got eight unproduced screenplays so that makes up for it.

Sarah said...

Aw I LOVE your blog no matter what you post about! I don't really comment often (I think I better get onto that so I am sorry for that) but I am a big fan of your writing! I love every single one of your posts whether it be about random things, your travels, fashion, etc! You have a wonderful way of telling a story and I hope you don't lose interest too much!
I have the utmost sympathy for you with your dog, I have never been able to cope with the death of a pet as they are like losing a family member, but I hope things get better for you soon in all aspects.
Take Care!!!

Wanderlusting said...

Thanks Sarah, that makes me happy :)

Len said...

Why I read your blog? For a lot of reasons, really. You write well. You like traveling. You're a very independent woman in her 20ies and I admire that. Really, you can just write about random things, I always have a good time reading it. ;)

Wanderlusting said...

Thank you Len! It's nice to see old-time readers sticking around (not that you are OLD but that you're old in the world of this blog's life and CRAP it turns 4 in 10 days, eek)

Len said...

I'm impressed you remember that at all since I hardly comment! I usually read over bloglines but after I lost my blogging mojo I started commenting other blogs less and less...

myedit said...

I saw your last pics from Palm Springs... I don't see overweight, I just see an enviable tan.
I do enjoy your blog, fashion or not so fashiony, you have an openness (spelling?) that is refreshing.
I hope 2010 turns around for you and for now, enjoy that Palm Springs sun... (if you are still there).

Farrielle Design and Fashionista said...

Well I wanted to say I do not comment a lot but I do read. I am sorry for what you going through. I am by no means a counselor or something in that way but I do this when I am feeling blue to me remind myself that this too shall pass, that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. I like reading blogs it does not matter to me if it is fashion, food or travel I just like to read even if it is about your feeling, I do not know you but know that I care. Have you tried Zumba, it is a fun workout, it makes me happy when I do it, maybe you should give it try you sweat it a lot in a fun way. Let me know how it goes, and if you are feeling blue today, go out maybe to your favorite place and just meditate on the good things in your life, cause I know you have, you are a beautiful and special lady:)
Have a great weekend.

Maddy said...

I'm pretty new to your blog, I found it off another fashion blog site. And though I stumbled upon it through the fashion link, the reason I decided to add you to my favorites list is because you weren't just another fashion blog. I enjoyed reading about the various things going on in your life.

I would hate to see you go, but you have to do what's best for you. Good luck with everything :)

BTW: I could totally relate with your interest in fashion decreasing due to weight gain. I'm going through the same thing at the moment...ugh!

postymcposterton said...

have fun at Coachella. I wish I could make it. FNM would have been he draw, alas, I'll be on vacation across the world.


daisychain said...

I read your blog because you are YOU. Real, honest and fun to read.

kinneyland said...

I think most people, like you, don't go out to buy new clothes all the time. But there is still things you can say about fashion. I have absolutely no fashion sense, but am interested in seeing what others do, especially with the existing pieces they have in their closet.

Anonymous said...

I check your blog pretty much everyday but rarely comment so I dont have my own page and have to do so anonymously. I like your blog because its funny, honest and your always doing something exciting! I like the fashion posts, but i like the real life posts as well since I think we all feel down sometimes. I hope you keep blogging and im sure things are going to turn around for you soon.

arexa said...

hullo there---i have been reading your blog for awhile and i don't think i have ever commented (maybe i did once?) but basically i think your blog is MORE interesting when you write about things other than fashion, something i was actually thinking about that the other day. also, your taste in music is pretty rad and i like the photos and stories about your trips. so keep blogging. you might attract a different band of followers and it might take time but it seems like a bunch of people still think you're awesome. also, have fun at coachella! i have gone twice (2004 and 2005) but now i live in AK and it's too too expensive. hope you have a good weekend & a better 2010.

Wanderlusting said...

Thanks guys, it makes me feel better to know that I don't have to have a narrow focus and can blog about whatever!

Also, to nip any thoughts that I'm being frivolous, I'm not saying I AM 15 pounds overweight but that I've gained 15 pounds, which makes me overweight for ME!

Kendra said...

Hey lady, I haven't been commenting, but I certainly been lurking and reading all your posts.

I just wanted to add that you are flippin gorgeous! Seriously, no matter how out of shape you feel, you are way more gorgeous than alot of the other bloggers I see, in fact most of them. And you don't need to have a model's figure and an infinite budget of expendable income to maintain a fashion blog. Those type of circumstances make you REAL, relatable, and attainable to your readers, you know? Those are the types of blogs I prefer to read. The REAL lady with a naturally beautiful figure (which you have), and even with that bit of self consciousness, because we can all relate to that, we all feel that way. I prefer blogs that have wardrobes that are attainable by the average lady, working or not. A wardrobe that they can remix and stir about to find new, creative combos.

With that sad, if that is not something you enjoy right now, if you don't have the creative energy to spend on remixing your wardrobe (because you need to spend it on your amazing writing instead), thats totally understandable, and I will miss you fashion side of the blog. But I think I will keep following no matter what because you are such an interesting and complicated person in your writing, and the level of the writing it enjoyable. But I wanted to make the point that you CAN fashion blog if wish to, you don't need to be a size 0 with a million dollar income (or ANY income!).

Take care, and keep smiling, beautiful!!

Anonymous said...

Trust me, sweetie, you're not the only one out of a job and feeling bad about your body (and, for many of us, it's a heck of a lot more than 15 lbs!). Plenty of us are right here beside you, cheering for you because we can't quite cheer for ourselves. Your blog does a lot of fine things, like providing a reminder that we are not alone.

Satine said...

I have to tell you - i discovered your blog last weekend. Someone posted one of your boots on another website, i clicked the link, found your blog and i related to you in more ways then you will know.

So - i started reading, from your very first post, all up to today. It took me a few days. (i had nothing better to do, and you were entertaining and i loved looking at your life, etc).

I liked it best when it WASN'T a fashion blog. In fact - to be totally honest, i hated when you made the switch to fashion. I liked your old stuff - when it combined your life, work, travels, etc etc. You are very entertaining. It's almost as if i'm living vicariously through you.

I say - screw the fashion blog. they are boring anyways. just do you. post your thoughts, life stuff, etc. lots of pics (ppl are very visual).

and - to keep people coming back, you need to post more often. at the very least, 2x a week.

keep writing, even if it brings you nothing. because it DOES bring you joy. and that's all that matters, right?

if only you knew how much like twins we really are! lol

don't give up!

(oh! and i have gained 30 pounds these past 3-4 years and i've gone on the South Beach Diet (today is day 2) to lose the weight. so far so good - i suggest you try it too! i'm already down 4 pounds (3 from cal counting and this last one from day 1 of SBD).

Rachel said...

i still always read your blog, and i read it because i like you, and i find what you think and say interesting. your blog doesn't have to be anything besides what you want it to be - and changing it to your whim is totally fine. because that's interesting! anyway, just to let you know i still read.

and i feel your pain for Muffin. i don't really know how i would cope with that kind of situation, it must be seriously difficult.

Fashion Court said...

honestly, i really enjoy your writing matter what the topic. i like fashion blogs don't get me wrong, but i think you keep it interesting by blogging about other things too. you'll always have a reader here! i hope 2010 gets better for you too darling! xo

Loxy said...

Like everyone here, I hope you keep on truckin'. Write what you need to say - and that's what we need to hear.

Whenever I feel like this, (and trust me, my blog has taken the brunt of it over the years) I just remind myself if there weren't some crappy times, the good ones wouldn't feel so good.

You get to appreciate the next step, whenever that may be, whenever that is.

kayla! said...

i was laid off a couple years ago and was pretty much devastated. the company i was completely invested in when out of business and i sunk into super deep depression. i was living with my parents, interviewing all the time with no luck. then i got a job i hated even more. i much preferred sleeping in and watching movies even though i had no money. but i finally made it to a job i love and i'm insanely happy. i started grad school and have an awesome apartment. even when i'm sad, i'm leaps and bounds from where i was. it will get better. even on the days when you think NOTHING will turn around, there's a modicum of hope hiding somewhere behind it all and it will all get better.

and i love your blog. you're witty and silly and super pretty.

Glitter Scrubs said...

Your blog was one of the first I read and my first favourite blog ever! I figured after staying up multiple nights in a row until 4 AM(!!) just to read your archives i figured i should start commenting or seek help for being a closet creeper. And like someone else said above, I liked it when it wasn't all fashion-y too!
I read your blog not just for all the fun, fluffy happiness going on, but for the crazy, sometimes crummy stuff too..

and I'm happy you don't always post the best of the best because it doesn't make the rest of us feel so damn bad about ourselves lol. I like 'real people' blogs that have life's celebrations, sadness, anger, funny random shit, because i can relate to them the most! the happy, go lucky, 'my life is perfect and i'm a size -2 and i'm independently wealthy' type blogs don't catch my attention and certainly don't hold my interest for over a YEAR! (which is how long i've been reading your blog).

ok wow, sorry for the novel. i should put some chapters in this guy. anyway, i meant to ask you, do you like the passion pit? not sure if that's your style of music (might be too umm pop-psychedelic lol) but anyway, april 11th @ the commodore, i'll be there and you should come! I'll try and stay sober this time. ok, maybe not, but i'll put in some effort lol.

that's all for now!! no stopping this blog pleeease :)

Treacle said...

I know I don't know you, and I know that you don't know me, but I also know that 2010 is gonna get better for you. Think about it...all the bad stuff that could've happened has already happened, so it's only uphill from here.

Ela said...

Sorry to hear how rough your 2010 has started out. I know the storm will pass, it always does.
I know you love writing, and you're wonderful at it so don't quit the blog. Just follow your heart, write about whatever you want and the rest will follow, maybe you'll lose some readers in the process{if all they want is a fashion blog} but I'm certain you'll gain new ones - and they'll stick around ;)
I hope this weekend treats you well!

Vegas Princess said...

Please don't stop. Reading your blog and my other friends' blogs is about the only enjoyment I have these days. I need you! And you can come visit me anytime you want. I won't think you stalkerish.

I was hoping 2010 was going to be better too but so far, not so much. Maybe we need to get out of is still close to 2009.

kayron8 said...

just happened across your blog, like it, sorry to see you're having a bad patch. I'm sending you mental images of those corny old posters -the ones with the kitten hanging from a branch, and they say "Hang in there"? yeah, that.
and? you're so not 10 lbs overweight.

Anonymous said...

I'm usually just a reader and don't comment but it's probably more apt now than ever...

I don't really follow the fashion side of your blog but I love reading about what you've been up to...

Think of this as a rough patch that you will soon be over... they say bad luck comes in threes and from your last blog entry - that's them done and dusted. Time to leave that behind and move forward to your "good" 2010.

Thanks for sharing with us!!

Kate ( - in NZ.

Style Seduction said...

I have always followed your blog even before it was a fashion one (expect under a different blog name) so I expect only you to be your honest self and write what you WANT to write about.

Fashion smashion, it comes and goes. Just work on you baby, and it will all come together

kimberlie said...

I also don't comment much, but enjoy reading what you have been up to ( both good and bad). That's life and it can't always be about fashion.
Chin up!

Kristin said...

Hang in there! Your fans will stick by you as you go through your growing pains. : )

BecsLifeOnline said...

Sorry I haven't visited your blog for a while, it's been due to my ridiculously over-hectic schedule this last year or so! Still loving it though, I'll have to have a day soon where I snuggle down with my laptop and a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate and catch up with your blog where I last left off. Keep writing!

Alice said...

you know, i don't actually read other fashion bloggers... but i love reading YOUR fashion posts because i think you're very inspired in how you combine your existing articles of clothing, and how you accessorize, etc. plus, you're a NORMAL SIZED person, so i know i can actually use the ideas i get from you, as opposed to going "meh, i'm sure that look only works for size 0 waifs" and immediately clicking away.

Kelly said...

I read your blog all the way from Washington DC. I read it because I like your quirky non-fashion bloggy attitude and also because I have a major crush on British Columbia. And anyway, not all fashion bloggers are skinny and 15 pounds on you is something none of us can really see - so WHO CARES!

Belle Z. Bubbles said...

Start reading your posts two months ago after I saw yours comments on Faith No More 2.0 (there I'm known as Miss Chievous) and I like it !! Keep writing cause you're really good at it, plus your have many people who are following you. Wish I could have time to write in english too but I already have two french blogs and one about metal music and movies I liked. So, just keep writing and do what you're gifted for !!

Take care and see you soon !!

The Budget Babe said...

I read your blog for you! you're a great writer, free spirit, and you have fun with fashion. your blog doesn't feel contrived and you don't pretend life is perfect.

so sorry to hear about your parents dog, btw. very sad but at least she was with you guys when she passed away.

keep on keepin' on :)