Thursday, January 21, 2010
The Morning After
First of all, I want to say a big THANK YOU to my blog readers who have stuck around. I see your guy's comments and it really means to the world to me to know you guys are still out there. I've not looked at Sitemeter for a long time cuz I knew the numbers would be disappointing with me blogging less, so for now it's ONLY my comments that let me know people are reading.
Second of all, thank you for your kind words about Muffin. I didn't know the dog that well but her death affected me like no other, probably because I've never seen ANYTHING die before my eyes, let alone something I was trying desperately to help. It's been really, REALLY hard on me and I've had a hell of a time trying to let go of the guilt. Animals TRUST US to take care of them and I failed. I failed.
Of course my parents no doubt feel worse, and for that I am heartbroken too because I didn't think it was possible for anyone to feel worse than I do.
But I'm trying to pick myself up.
It's hard. It's a hard month. Lost my job...lost my dog...lost Conan O'Brien. I totally thought 2010 was THE year and so far it hasn't been good, to say the least. I feel beyond fat, I've lost confidence and I've lost the will to write. In fact, I'm afraid to write because I'm starting to think it's all for nothing. What's the point, life's just going to be a piece of SHIT and it'll come to nothing.
But I'm trying to face my fear and just do it. Ignore the little voices and the overanalysis that I fall prey to all too easy.
I'm also a bit torn about my blog.
I'm losing readers and followers, slowly but surely.
I'm not sure how to correct this.
I think some people expect a FASHION blog out of me but to be honest, it's just not important to me right now.
Aside from being about 15 pounds overweight (which dissolves ANY enjoyment in clothes for me), I haven't bought ANY clothes in over TWO MONTHS! Yes, the shopoholic has been cured, I guess.
So...I'm not rich (I've lost my job, afterall), I'm not skinny as most fashion bloggers are (I blame, well, not going to the gym and being depressed) and I don't have the newest, coolest clothes. I think it's safe to say I have no future in this genre anymore.
I'm sure it'll pick up one day when I get money and confidence and my life starts to be stable enough that I can care about something as stupidly frivolous as the latest designer shoes, but until then I'm kind of at a loss as what to do with my blog.
I just don't have a focus, and frankly I don't care. But I know that this blog does bring me happiness, especially with the people I meet with it, and that it will come in handy down the line. And for that matter I don't want to quit. But...
I just...feel stuck. I don't know what to do. With my life, with this blog, with anything really...
Why the hell do you people read this thing anyway?
PS One good bit of news: buying my Coachella tickets tomorrow morning so I can see Faith No More on April 17th.
I'd gladly pay the $260 to see them, but when you add in some of the musicians I admire most (Josh Homme, Damon Albarn, Dave Grohl, Thom Yorke, John Paul Jones) it's icing on the cake.
PPS I know I haven't been too productive, blogosphere-wise, but I am DEFINITELY coming to visit everyone who commented on my last post. Visit your blogs...not where you live. That would be stalkerish.
PPPS SHIT SON! This is my 601 st POST!