Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Aww, you guys...

First of all I want to say THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to all my wonderful readers and commentors, I was actually very touched and surprised to see that you people care. I just thought it was me complaining again, just to get it out there, I don't often realize that people ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME. And that's wonderful. Seriously teary-eyed here.

Fashion blog, smashion blog, I will keep writing because I need to - and yes, I probably need to write and blog MORE OFTEN. It's good for me. I'll explain...

As I type this, I am sitting in my parent's driveway. On a wet bench I moved from the garden. It's January (still wtf?). I must look very odd. We live in a townhouse block, so there is no lack of people walking around and wondering what the hell I am doing. But this is the only sunny spot and I've been locked out of my parents house and have nowhere else to go lol. Sure, there's the place where I actually live, which is just a half hour walk up the road but I'd rather sit here looking like an idiot than go there.

See...this is the thing. I got back from Palm Springs on Saturday. My bf picked me up at the airport with roses, he was wearing a suit. Very nice and unexpected. He doesn't do this often so when he does it's pretty special.

We went out for sushi and had a good night, came back to our place (remember, I live with his parents) and had a nice evening there.

Next day I was super tired, I guess from traveling. His parents house is just so dark too, especially the bedroom, and it just filled me with dread. Can't explain it, but whatever the feeling is, it makes me tired and unable to leave the bed.

However, I eventually got up and had a nice lazy day. Watched four episodes from Season 2 of The X-Files (I'm going waaaay back), had chinese food, then sushi again, then watched Inglorious Basterds (not bad btw, I was expecting to hate it because Brad Pitt was in it).

Then I picked up my new laptop that I was using in the TV room and took it upstairs to my "office."

See, with me being out of a job, I felt like I had nowhere to write or apply for jobs or whatever. They have an office but the dad is always in there. And the only other place to write is downstairs in the kitchen but the mom is always in there. So I was stuck.

Then I remembered a while ago, when I wrote in the mornings before work, that the mom suggested I used my bf's sister's old room because she had a desk.

Well, right after I was laid off, that's what I did. I put my nameplate on the door (as a joke, it's removable) and set up camp complete with Ipecac and MST3K figurines, writing books, iPod dock, paper and pens, and my Faith No More poster I scored in New Zealand. It was my space, the door closed and I had a happy place to just....be. Me.

So Sunday night, as I was moving my computer up to the office, I was thinking about all the writing I would do and how grateful I was for my own space.

I get in there...and it's wiped out. His mom cleaned it, cleared all my stuff out and put it back to the way it was. Even my Faith No More poster is gone and I fear that she just thought it was junk and chucked it out.

Well folks, I LOST it. I've been losing it all week, so it wasn't anything new, but I just broke down in front of my bf (also nothing new, though for the last 10 days my breakdowns have been over the phone).

I started sobbing uncontrollably and the past seven months came flooding out.

Seven months ago, we moved in with his parents to save money. It worked. I rented out my apartment to some nice tenants. His parents made us food and we didn't pay any rent.

But I never knew how badly the situation was affecting me. You see, I'm an independent person. I like to be alone. I need my space. And I have always had my space, or at least a space that I felt comfortable in.

But for 24/7 for the last seven months, I have felt nothing but uneasy, unwanted and uncomfortable. It's not even a matter of "this is their house and you are just a houseguest" but the feeling that my very nature and spirit has been shut-down, dismissed and denied. Like my lifeforce scares them. Sounds hooky, but sometimes, when I am at the dinner table, I feel like I am the only there that is actually alive.

His parents are good people. Generous and pleasant. But they do not mesh well with me at all. They don't understand me at all (not many people do) and that bothers them. I feel like a plague in the house. And even when I am holed up in my dark, dark room, I can still feel them downstairs, everything they do is just this hostile blackness ready to swallow up whatever I put out there.

When I was writing, as I was everyday for 6 weeks, in the mornings and evenings, they expressed very little interest in what I was doing. When they asked me about it, it was just being polite, they actually didn't care. And when I was done my book it was met with a "well you celebrate if it gets published." The fact that I accomplished something that few people get to and something that I never thought I COULD do was nothing. With them it's "if you make it" which is something my bf and his band have to put up with as well.

They are very neat, very rich and retired, very...perfect, in that sense. I come from a house of chaos. This house is a house where no chaos is ever shown. If there is chaos, it is hidden and swept under the rug.

Then there is me, all emotion and ideas and creativity and mayhem - which apparently comes through even when I am trying to hide it - and well, KABLOOM.

I don't want to blog ill about his parents because I know that this is hard on them too and taking from their natures, I know they are just really freaked out by me. I know once we leave, they will breathe a huge sigh of relief too.

Again, they are lovely people and anyone else would be lucky to have them. But the problem lies in me.

But it just never really occured to me, until Sunday night, that this is what has been pulling me down all this time. I don't have stability or a happy, safe home and in a turbulent world and a turbulent mind, that's something I need very, very much.

So...after the realization comes the problem-solving. How do I change this? And more importantly, how can I be prepared to change this....how can I make things happen instead of being afraid and lost. Because I am full of great ideas but I lack focus and direction. I am simply overwhelmed.

That answer came the next day...feeling low, depressed, anxious and brimming with directionless fire, I stumbled across two ladies whom I think will end up changing my life forever....

To be continued (which means I'll write more, haha)

22 comments:

Meghan said...

Excellent topic to chew on. I'm glad you've addressed the problem. It can be hard when you're in a situation where you are being given something (a place to live, etc.) to admit the downside. Especially when its tied into someone you love.

I've lived in that home for many years where people don't really talk or open up and there are certain unspoken expectations and it can be taxing on every level-physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm glad you're able to see through it and look for solutions on the other side. I look forward to reading that post.

Kass said...

Gah. I've stayed with many people, on couches, in spare bedrooms, in places where I KNOW I wasn't wanted by the majority of the occupants. And dude, it's fucken hard. I understand. It sucks to be the centre of something negative, and yet be trapped in it.

Unfortunately the only real option for you would be to move out? :(

Wanderlusting said...

Kass - yup, that's the only option.

But I have no job or income since getting laid off.

And therein lies the rub!

geisharock said...

I'm living at home in suburbia at the moment too and know exactly what you mean by feeling that your independence is being oppressed and that you don't feel like yourself. Obviously I'm in a better situation living with my own relatives (it's not my/my parents house but a house of a close relative) rather than a boyfriends home but I still get the feeling that my spark is being dulled. I just want a tiny little shoebox of a flat to myself to do with as I please! I'm also unemployed at the moment as a recent graduate/victim of the hiring cutbacks of the financial crisis. But I didn't comment to be all Debbie Downer on ya :) I wanted to say - Keep your hopes up and keep following your dreams and they'll lead somewhere, I promise! Hopefully...! xxxx

Kass said...

Which is a total stink situation. I've been in the jobless, no money, and dossing on someones sofa situation and it's the pits :(

almost famous kiwi said...

Oh the in laws. Mine didn't even show up to our wedding. I could not live with them they are perfectionists and I'm a big creative explosion like you. The most important thing is that my husband loves me as I am and I love myself enough to follow my dreams regardless of others. Once you get out you will feel so much better. I'm sure they love you but they will never get you and that's okay. Just don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're not good enough cos you are!

Anthea said...

Ahhh in-laws. I think you must just be feeling stressed after returning from fun in the sun. Vancouver is so dreary in the winter. I'm sorry about your work but Spring is on the way and that means change and brighter skies. Don't worry!!

Annie Spandex said...

Everyone needs a sense of privacy and personal space. It's totally uncool that she moved your things and took your poster down. I would even say passive aggressive. It's not like you were cluttering up the kitchen table. That was an unused room, right? Well, I'm rooting for you and I hope this works out. xx

MizzJ said...

Wow that is a hard situation. You seem like a very exuberant, emotional person so dealing with people like that must be hard. Even if a gift is given with no strings, there are always strings - I think you need to get out of there stat! Hope these mysterious 2 ladies have the solution.

arbyn said...

Please don't tell me you've decided to sell Mary Kay...

PS. You have MST3K figurines? How have I not seen those before!?

Glitter Scrubs said...

lol i actually frowned when i saw the 'to be continued'.. gaah how long do i have to wait?! such a great post. so old school.

high five to you for living like a guest for 7 months. i would go INSANE. i like my space, my things and my routine and I definitely like a private place to go to after a crazy day. now please hurry and post the rest ;) lol

Anonymous said...

I know how you're feeling. I'm in a similar situation right now of not having a job and living back with my parents (luckily though it's my parents and not inlaws). I have no idea what I want to be doing with my life, what will make me happy and just can't get my shit together. I think you just have to weather the storm and know that the sun will shine again. It's very tough when people don't get your personality and it would be very hard living with ur inlaws. Sometimes you need to have a meltdown to let some of the crap out of your heart and your brain. Just believe in urself and keep the faith. I hope things get better for you soon. :)

Stormin said...

I hate cliff hangers... ;-)

Can't wait to hear about who these two ladies were.

Rachel said...

that would drive me absolutely bonkers. i love down time and me time, and i never feel calm without it. having my own space is so important! can't wait to hear what the solution is :)

Maddy said...

I know the feeling! I've learned one thing over time, I would rather sleep in a cardboard box (and call it my own), than to live under anyone's roof. I've gone through all those feelings of feeling unwanted, intruding and vulnerable. Everyone starts off with the best intentions. But when living w/ people (esp. in-laws), it's nearly impossible for it not to strain the relationship.Certain relationships thrive best when there are clear emotional & physical boundaries in place.

Well, I'm glad to hear that there's a solution to this problem coming up in your next post. Can't wait to hear more about it :)

daisychain said...

Damn I'm no good with suspense.

I'm glad your going to be writing more. Your blog is one of my favourites for its honesty.

laura said...

When I was living in England we lived with my ex's Mom...that was pretty difficult. I wasn't working most of the time and so I'd just be home all day with her, feeling out of place, didn't know what to do! It sounds like your situation is pretty tough, too.

And now you've left me wanting more with your to be continued!

btw, I have a blog called overcoming the quarter-life-crisis, about trying to get about of a rut and debt...http://overcomingqlc.blogspot.com if you want to check it out

kittie444 said...

Ugh.... talk about "leave us hanging!!"

Will wait for an update....

Kate

cinta / sepi / sayu said...

finally, i found a blog from vancouver. yay!

xo

Vegas Princess said...

I am just sitting here in amazement because I feel like I could have written this post. Having just recently moved in with my MIL I feel exactly like you. I know our situations are different but my worry was my husband and I had tried to live with his parents and my parents before out of necessity and it just doesn't work. I am too independant, I crave my own space too much to live in someone else's house. I feel like I am suffocating, that I don't exist anymore. My hubby's mom doesn't get me either, so as a result I am always uncomfortable around her. So I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through because I am stuck in the same situation. Please call or email me so we can talk. I really think we can help each other through all this shit. =)

Kristin said...

I read both parts and...your feelings ALWAYS matter. Though your loved ones may not be able to truly understand your bad times, just always remember that you're relevant and allowed to express yourself!

Jodie said...

There's another thing you have in common with me: you watch X-Files. That's just awesome. I really hope 2010 becomes a better year for you!