First of all I want to say THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH to all my wonderful readers and commentors, I was actually very touched and surprised to see that you people care. I just thought it was me complaining again, just to get it out there, I don't often realize that people ACTUALLY LISTEN TO ME. And that's wonderful. Seriously teary-eyed here.
Fashion blog, smashion blog, I will keep writing because I need to - and yes, I probably need to write and blog MORE OFTEN. It's good for me. I'll explain...
As I type this, I am sitting in my parent's driveway. On a wet bench I moved from the garden. It's January (still wtf?). I must look very odd. We live in a townhouse block, so there is no lack of people walking around and wondering what the hell I am doing. But this is the only sunny spot and I've been locked out of my parents house and have nowhere else to go lol. Sure, there's the place where I actually live, which is just a half hour walk up the road but I'd rather sit here looking like an idiot than go there.
See...this is the thing. I got back from Palm Springs on Saturday. My bf picked me up at the airport with roses, he was wearing a suit. Very nice and unexpected. He doesn't do this often so when he does it's pretty special.
We went out for sushi and had a good night, came back to our place (remember, I live with his parents) and had a nice evening there.
Next day I was super tired, I guess from traveling. His parents house is just so dark too, especially the bedroom, and it just filled me with dread. Can't explain it, but whatever the feeling is, it makes me tired and unable to leave the bed.
However, I eventually got up and had a nice lazy day. Watched four episodes from Season 2 of The X-Files (I'm going waaaay back), had chinese food, then sushi again, then watched Inglorious Basterds (not bad btw, I was expecting to hate it because Brad Pitt was in it).
Then I picked up my new laptop that I was using in the TV room and took it upstairs to my "office."
See, with me being out of a job, I felt like I had nowhere to write or apply for jobs or whatever. They have an office but the dad is always in there. And the only other place to write is downstairs in the kitchen but the mom is always in there. So I was stuck.
Then I remembered a while ago, when I wrote in the mornings before work, that the mom suggested I used my bf's sister's old room because she had a desk.
Well, right after I was laid off, that's what I did. I put my nameplate on the door (as a joke, it's removable) and set up camp complete with Ipecac and MST3K figurines, writing books, iPod dock, paper and pens, and my Faith No More poster I scored in New Zealand. It was my space, the door closed and I had a happy place to just....be. Me.
So Sunday night, as I was moving my computer up to the office, I was thinking about all the writing I would do and how grateful I was for my own space.
I get in there...and it's wiped out. His mom cleaned it, cleared all my stuff out and put it back to the way it was. Even my Faith No More poster is gone and I fear that she just thought it was junk and chucked it out.
Well folks, I LOST it. I've been losing it all week, so it wasn't anything new, but I just broke down in front of my bf (also nothing new, though for the last 10 days my breakdowns have been over the phone).
I started sobbing uncontrollably and the past seven months came flooding out.
Seven months ago, we moved in with his parents to save money. It worked. I rented out my apartment to some nice tenants. His parents made us food and we didn't pay any rent.
But I never knew how badly the situation was affecting me. You see, I'm an independent person. I like to be alone. I need my space. And I have always had my space, or at least a space that I felt comfortable in.
But for 24/7 for the last seven months, I have felt nothing but uneasy, unwanted and uncomfortable. It's not even a matter of "this is their house and you are just a houseguest" but the feeling that my very nature and spirit has been shut-down, dismissed and denied. Like my lifeforce scares them. Sounds hooky, but sometimes, when I am at the dinner table, I feel like I am the only there that is actually alive.
His parents are good people. Generous and pleasant. But they do not mesh well with me at all. They don't understand me at all (not many people do) and that bothers them. I feel like a plague in the house. And even when I am holed up in my dark, dark room, I can still feel them downstairs, everything they do is just this hostile blackness ready to swallow up whatever I put out there.
When I was writing, as I was everyday for 6 weeks, in the mornings and evenings, they expressed very little interest in what I was doing. When they asked me about it, it was just being polite, they actually didn't care. And when I was done my book it was met with a "well you celebrate if it gets published." The fact that I accomplished something that few people get to and something that I never thought I COULD do was nothing. With them it's "if you make it" which is something my bf and his band have to put up with as well.
They are very neat, very rich and retired, very...perfect, in that sense. I come from a house of chaos. This house is a house where no chaos is ever shown. If there is chaos, it is hidden and swept under the rug.
Then there is me, all emotion and ideas and creativity and mayhem - which apparently comes through even when I am trying to hide it - and well, KABLOOM.
I don't want to blog ill about his parents because I know that this is hard on them too and taking from their natures, I know they are just really freaked out by me. I know once we leave, they will breathe a huge sigh of relief too.
Again, they are lovely people and anyone else would be lucky to have them. But the problem lies in me.
But it just never really occured to me, until Sunday night, that this is what has been pulling me down all this time. I don't have stability or a happy, safe home and in a turbulent world and a turbulent mind, that's something I need very, very much.
So...after the realization comes the problem-solving. How do I change this? And more importantly, how can I be prepared to change this....how can I make things happen instead of being afraid and lost. Because I am full of great ideas but I lack focus and direction. I am simply overwhelmed.
That answer came the next day...feeling low, depressed, anxious and brimming with directionless fire, I stumbled across two ladies whom I think will end up changing my life forever....
To be continued (which means I'll write more, haha)