Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

What I wore last week. Something I fell in love with when I saw it, though upon wearing it I admit it might have been a bit frou-frou for the office. I did get a lot of attention and compliments though. To be on the safe side, I have stuck to a more sleek and conservative look this week.

Similar to...

Can't wait till Summer when I can wear it with bare legs and arms. So for now, I made did with maroon accents...

Dress: ASOS Luxe; Tights: H&M; Shoes: Vic Matie; Belt: ASOS; Necklace: Hannah Makes Things: Cardigan: unknown..Sirens, maybe

This is a positive/negative post so I'm going to start with the negative first, to end on a good note.

I've been working out very hard and watching what I eat for a month now and there have been no changes in my weight.

Actually, that's a lie. I've actually GAINED weight! Yup. Apparently it wasn't enough to just bust my hump to lose zero pounds so instead my body decided to gain a few. Not very funny, body.

I know that there are reasons for this...could be muscle. Could be water. Could be Satan torturing me the best way he knows how. But the fact is, I expected to have lost 8 pounds already and have just gained one instead.

Weight loss comes slowly, you might say. Oh really? Well how is it that last year, I did roughly the same thing with spinning in place of running and I DID lose 8 pounds in one month. And then some (lost 12 in total in two months).

It is so frustrating, especially since I have become a total hermit since I've started this plan. I haven't gone out and seen my friends in weeks, I've just holed up in my apartment. I just don't want them to see me like I am. Especially since on Facebook everyone more or less knows about my weight loss efforts and all the workouts I am doing. So they would probably expect to see some skinny version of me. And hell, that's what I thought I could unveil too but there is no skinny me at this point, it's the same old me that they are going to see. A me that OBVIOUSLY failed.

On Feb 21st I have a girl's night out that I have been somewhat looking forward to, thinking that on that night I could unveil the new "me" - but I know now that's not going to happen yet. So when that night comes along, instead of wearing one of the hundreds of form-fitting dresses I have that I was hoping to show off, I'm going to have to put on some baggy mumu thing (though I promise it will be a cute mumu).

I still haven't even worn pants yet! It's been a month! I want to wear pants!

Patience is a virtue, I know, especially when it comes to weight loss. But I am so sick of trying so hard and getting nowhere. I am so tired of being so angry and hateful towards anyone thinner than I am. I'm a bitter, hungry hermit with no end in sight.

What's funny though is when I lost the weight last year, no one freakin' noticed! I went from 138 to 124 at one point (last few pounds were flu induced). I went down 2 jeans sizes. But no one said anything. It was at that point that I realized I had to be doing this for myself alone and no one else. And luckily, I was since even though no one noticed, I liked myself a LOT better for being thinner.

Anyhoo, on the plus side, I think I notice a change even now. My bf says he does too but I think he's just trying to shut me up. But my butt feels smaller (which isn't that good since I like my butt), my abs and pooch are flatter, my waist is tinnier, the muscles on my legs are more defined and I think THINK my face may finally be de-puffing.

Or it could all be in my head since technically I am getting heavier. LE FREAKIN' SIGH.

OK more positivity. As you know, I have been training for the Vancouver Sun Run, the world's second largest timed 10K race.

First off, let me give you a bit of a background on myself. As most of you know, I was born disabled with club feet. This means that I learned to WALK and RUN with casts on both of my legs.

As a result, I have never walked or run normally. I used to get teased - hardcore - about both while growing up (nevermind the teasing about the scars). It wasn't till I saw a video of myself walking with my horse around a paddock that I realized I didn't straighten my legs enough while walking.

So I improved on that, though to be honest people still notice my "walk." My mother calls it the "Marilyn Monroe walk," and I've had physiotherapists have other names for it (something about having loose hips...). I wiggle. My hips sashay. I don't think much about it these days but I did think about it - with every step I took - for about 23 years. It makes me cry, right now, to think about how much something as simple as walking made me so afraid. In fact, I am still afraid sometimes to walk past people I know because I think they are making fun of me. I'm afraid to walk alone in the town I went to high school in for fear of the same thing.

Then there was RUNNING. That was even worse and as a result, I never did it. First of all, I didn't run properly (leaned too far forward), I had exercise-induced asthma and very poor fitness. My feet ACHE after walking or standing for too long so it made sense they would hurt even more from running. Plus I was made fun of by both my peers AND teachers.

I remember several horrible PE classes, including one in Grade 7 where I was excused from playing soccer. The reason being, there was a chance someone could kick my ankles, in the scar area, when going for the ball and if that happened... Holy shit. I can't explain the pain. I can't even TOUCH my scars without wanting to vomit, honestly. It's all raw nerve endings. So it's safe to say that if I got kicked there, it would be like being kicked in the balls. I know this is abou true, because I have been kicked there once (in the scars, not the balls...dont have balls :P) and I just keeled over. Couldn't breathe. Saw stars. Wanted to die.

Anyway so these snotty rich bitches from my school were complaining to the PE Teacher about me "How come Lusty can't be on our team just because her feet are all messed up," and the teacher said, "Why should it matter, she can't run properly anyway." Right in front of me.

So you can see why I've been afraid to run.

But I decided to put it past me. I started going running in the mornings back in December - not because it was easier to get it out of the way but that because it was dark and no one could see me. I just realized this now, which means I've actually come quite aways since then. I've been running in the daylight now without thought so I'm obviously learning to not give a shit. Finally.

Back in December though, I could do 10 minutes before I wanted to die. As of now, I can run for 35 minutes, and I don't feel like dying at the end, instead I feel like I could keep going. To be honest though, I STILL feel like dying it's just that occurs during the first 20 minutes of my run and eases up after that. Or I have 10 minutes of wanting to die dispersed with 10 of not wanting to and so on.

And I actually like running. OK, that's not entirely true because when I am ACTUALLY RUNNING I am constantly cursing myself and my body, etc...I just plain hate it. But any other time, I have only good things to say. Like now. I know the pain I feel when running and how hard it is, yet I am stupidly looking forward to my run tomorrow morning. I scour magazines and running blogs for running tidbits. I consider myself a runner and running as a hobby. I live for it! That is, until I'm actually putting one foot in front of the other.

Maybe I just like the idea of me as a runner. ME. As a RUNNER. Let's face it, my parents are so proud of the fact that I run now and am training for the race because I CAN run. To them, it means their child isn't a completely handicapped mess. I can do anything and since most podiatrists have frowned against me running, that only reinforces that fact YES I CAN.

Yes, my shins hurt when I run sometimes. My legs burn and feel too heavy to move (another reason to lose weight: I'll be easier to move). My hamstrings are forever tight. But so far, my feet don't hurt. Maybe when I approach the 60-minute mark, they might but at this moment, my disability isn't getting in my way.

(I should also mention that I started spinning again to help with the weight loss and to improve my running with crosstraining. I hadn't been to a spin class since September and was suprised how I am now able to go hardcore for the whole session, harder than I ever have - in fact, spinning was now "easy" to me. If running hasn't helped with weight loss, I at least know for sure that it has improved my stamina and fitness levels ten-fold!)

PS - just wanted to thank you all for your lovely and supportive comments. You guys rock and your words do matter. Thanks for reading :)


sil said...

i am so glad that you are going to keep running! that is so amazing that you will participate in a 10k - are you following a certain training? i follow hal hingdon, and i think his programs are good to follow. for your shins - i am not sure if this will be possible for you to do, but it helps me from having pain there. i basically put a pencil on the floor and pick it up with my toes over and over. that will help your shins get a good stretch! hope this helps! and i think you will see the loss soon! don't let it stop your training :)

♥ fashion chalet said...

Isn't she a doll though? But you're much prettier!!

I could never pull off my dress at the office haha but for a friend's Birthday lunch it was just fine! ;]


believablegiraffe said...

Hi Karina.

I first commented on your blog on Friday I think, but I had to retype my email address, so I used my second account by accident. Anyway, I wanted to share some thoughts with you about my struggles.

First, I was naturally thin all my life until I hit 20. It seems like ever since then my weight has had major fluctuations. I have a very small frame and I'm 5'4". I used to always weigh between 100-110 pounds. However, in the past I have even ballooned up as high as 143 in a 3-month span. This happened over a year ago, and it was almost impossible for me to lose the weight. What I noticed most was that the more I was thinking about dieting and depriving myself, the worse I felt, and my body seemed to hold on to the extra weight. I became completely obsessed with food. I wasn't even eating very much. Nothing about my eating habits had really changed. I was so depressed that I would look at old pictures and not even recognize myself.

There was a reason, however, that my weight had fluctuated so much. A few years ago I started to lose weight for no apparent reason. I suddenly went from about 115 to 87 pounds. This happened so quickly that I had made an appointment with my doctor, but my appointment wasn't until the following week. I had bruises all over my body, my hair was falling out, and I was always on edge. One day after eating lunch at my desk I passed out. When I awoke I was surrounded by coworkers and paramedics. One paramedic said he was giving me an injection to momentarily stop my heart, but not to worry because it would start back up agian. This frightened me, and I was told that my pulse was 186 beats per minute. My heart always beats pretty fast because I have tachycardia (fast heartbeat). I was taken to the cardio intensive care unit at a nearby hospital and admitted. This was just 3 days before Christmas, and I had just moved to Phoenix while my family was living in the Pacific Northwest. Long story short: after much testing I was diagnosed with a thyroid disease called Graves disease. My sister also has the condition, but in a much milder form. This condition meant that my thyroid was working so hart that I was losing weight that I shouldn't have been losing. It was also responsible for my mood swings because of the hormonal/pituitary gland connection. I was told that I had to have radioactive iodine to completely destroy my thyroid, and then I would need to take thyroid supplements for the rest of my life. I didn't question this much, and I've felt terrible ever since the treatment. Everything slowed down and I have much less energy. It's obviously difficult for me to manage and maintain my weight because of not having a thyroid, and I've tried many options. Perhaps you should have your thyroid tested because thyroid conditions are actually quite common. You might have Hashimoto's disease (my husband has this, and it's the opposite of Graves disease), or you could simply be hypothyroid. That could be responsible for your sluggishness, mild depression, and slight weight gain. Either way, it wouldn't hurt to have your thyroid levels tested because you say nothing else is really working. Don't worry. Radioactive iodine is fairly drastic, but most people don't require it. If your thyroid is off, everthing is off, and it's a relatively simple problem to correct. My doctor just choose a much too radical approach with me.

Also worth noting: I had been taking the birth control pill for several years. I gained some weight while on some brands, but then I found Yasmin and it actually helped me lose a few pounds, not to mention that it cleared up my skin. I'm sorry to sound like a walking advertisement. Also, Wellbutrin is the only anti-depressant I will take because it actually seems to help patients lose about 4-7 pounds, and it gives me energy. It's the only anti-depressant that doesn't interfere with sexual activity. I had stopped taking the birth control pill about 2 years ago, and I just began taking YAZ (the newer version of Yasmin), and I've suddenly started losing weight for no reason. This started exactly 3 weeks ago. I haven't been dieting, working out, and I've actually been missing my thyroid pills because I need to have my prescription refilled. This is crazy, but I've lost a ton of weight and I'm down to around 120 pounds from 129, which is where I've been for months now. If you're on the pill, perhaps you might try experimenting with some different brands to see if there's a difference in your mood and weight.

Third, I've definitely noticed a difference in your face. It's thinner, and so is your waist in those cute flouncy dress pictures. Your weight gain could simply be out of you hands momentarily and you might need a physician to take a look at a potential underlying issue that you could be unaware of.

Finally, and this is pretty silly, but I just purchased a pair of shorts from American Apparel. They're the terry cloth running shorts, and I ordered a black pair with white piping. They're quite short, but they're the sexiest shorts I've ever worn. Guys love them, my husband especially, and even if you don't leave the house in them, they will drive your boyfriend crazy. Your boyfriend has a great band, by the way. Seriously Karina, you should order a pair. Before dismissing them as being too short, let me just say that they do wonderful things for one's butt and legs, and girls of all sizes writing the reviews love them. They are so cute, and I pair mine with regular tops and cardigans. I've always had a fairly paunchy stomach, and I attribute that to having had so many abdominal surgeries. Namely my spleenectomy because my doctor told be that I accumulated a lot of scar tissue from that operation. Anyway, I'm always trying to conceal that area, and I use belts and blouson tops to assist me. These shorts allow me to showcase an entirely different erogenous zone, and paired with leggings, tights, or even American Apparel's striped knee socks or thigh highs, they look super hot.

Good luck, sweetie! I promise to post a picture soon, so I'm not just faceless creep dispensing questionable advice! You are so pretty, and you seem very nice. Everything will work out, so don't worry too much.

Take care,

Anthea said...

Good luck with the sun run! You will do great and the food after is marvelous!! You will feel great after :) I love that skirt it's adorable! I bet everyone was eyeing your outfit!

Odette said...

OOOOOHHH You're a running machine! I too hate running, but I have never had the will power to keep at it, so you my friend are a running rock star in my books! :) I too say that in all the recent pics of you, you look exceptionally skinny, and your face is really really thin, so not matter what you are doing it is working :)

The Clothes Horse said...

That dress is gorgeous! I love the cream color and the delicate lace.
You look perfect--you don't need to lose a pound. :)

STARR said...

You look so pretty! why lose weight? :)

Memphis Steve said...

I know exactly how you feel about the weight loss. About 6 months ago I started running a lot and blogging about it. Everyone commented and assumed I must look awesome with all the running. Well, I gained about 15 pounds, which pissed me off to say the least, so I know how you feel about that. But don't give up, whatever you do.

I had no idea you were born with clubbed feet and I didn't know that you had anything unusual about the way you walk or run. All I can tell you is that knowing you from long-distance and only knowing your personality and your heart, I think you're someone special. You have a heart of gold. Those kids who only made fun of you and didn't get to know you, they really lost out. Because you are someone worth knowing. I'm glad to have had a chance to get to know you, even if I've never met you face-to-face.

As for running, for whatever it's worth, I think it's pretty normal to feel like hell at the start, and then to slowly adjust and feel better as you go. It's just your body warming up and getting into the groove. I usually feel like hell for the entire first mile and don't really feel right until I have gone past that and am sweating pretty good. It's ironic, but sometimes I feel my best when I'm at the finish, and my worst at the start.

Whatever your weight does, your heart and your long-term health are only going to benefit from what you're doing. And please don't underestimate the importance of that. The longer you stick with the running and spinning, the easier it will be for you to get back into it in the future, and to lose weight later in life when your friends and everybody else are all struggling with their own weight.

DaisyChain said...

1) you look incredible

2) I feel you on the weight thing, it's such a frustrating process to lose or gain, bodies are excellent and rebelling and playing tricks...
(and for the record, I would kill to look like you)

Couture Carrie said...

You look gorgeous! You do NOT need to lose weight!


Rachel said...

You should really think about going out with your friends. You and your BF see you everyday. So any change that is really taking place might go totally unnoticed by you simply because you look at yourself everyday. Your friends are going to see the difference, but if you wall yourself in your apartment no one is ever going to see it. No matter what though, your friends probably miss you, whether you weigh 125 pounds or 250 pounds. Let yourself get out and have some fun. Being unhappy and depressed never helped anyone lose weight ;-)

Wanderlusting said...

Rachel - Actually they aren't really FRIEND friends of mine. My boyfriend's friends girlfriends kinda thing. My real friends, no, I know they don't give a crap about what I look like.

That said, I know these girls also don't give a crap. But I would feel better around them. I'm the fatter, older one, you see. They are all young and super thin. Honestly, I AM the big one so for once I would like to feel like I'm at least as good as them. And I would like my bf to be proud of me...I know this is totaly in my head but I just feel like his friends feel sorry for him for landing such a "big" girl.

Everyone else - thanks for your support with my running. And my disability

As for the weight loss, I know it's easy for most of you to say I don't need to lose weight, probably cuz most of you are skinny and have never had to nor do you know what it's like.

I know I don't NEED to lose weight, no one does unless they have to for a job or are in health danger. But I want to. My current body is the result of not exercising and eating crap, so obviously that has to change. My body is NOT meant to be at this weight.

In fact, going by BMI, I am borderline being an unhealthy weight for my height.

And no, I'm not trying to look like a toothpick if that's what you worry about - I'm trying to look like the best, hot version of me that I can.

That means: sleek, sculpted arms, flat abs, tight buns, muscular thighs...and while I can lift weights until the cows come home, NO ONE is going to see any of the above until I shed the fat above the muscle. And therefore: must lose weight to get to that point.

Wanderlusting said...

PS believable giraffe - I think we have a lot in common (ie Wellbutrin), I'll try and email you more about it (if possible)

The Budget Babe said...

I love the way you've styled that dress, way to wear colored tights too! And, you've done something I've been dying to try--matching your colored tights with the same color shoe. Brilliant. I have a similar dress that I bought last summer at Forever 21 so I'm going to try copying you...need to buy plum tights and a plum cardi first...

MizzJ said...

That dress looks great for the office and anywhere really! Love the way you've accented it with that maroon cardigan. So pretty and springlike :)

I was reading your blog and almost choked on my lunch when you mentioned the Sun Run - I'm training too! In fact, I'd just finished a training run with my office team right before I stumbled upon your blog. Good luck on your training! And don't stress out about the weight thing.. I think people are just saying that you need to be positive about your progress instead of beating yourself down about it :)

Wanderlusting said...

Thanks MizzJ - I'm not following any training program, just slowly adding distance to my runs. My goal is to run for 40 min by end of month, 50 min by end of March and 60 by Sun Run (end of April).

I'm doing it with my company team too though I don't want to see them outside of work lol.

Funny thing is, I thought the dress was fine for the office until some girl was like, "I love what you've done - only you could pull all of this off"

I then made a remark about maybe it's too frou-frou and she said "well you can get away with it today since it's casual Friday."

Since when is THAT a casual look? I'm not in freakin' jeans. Also, I've been dressing similarly all week, did I not get away with it then?

Sheesh. Fashion police.

Sarah said...

I cant even run half a km, so you should be really proud of your training and making it to 10km! And just keep going with your training and weight loss efforts - you might not need to lose it (and you dont) but i Know what you mean about toneing up - might just take some time for you to see the results!

The Clothes Horse said...

Ha-ha, well I also have a dresser and then some clothes at my parents house. :) This is all I'm working with for now!

believablegiraffe said...

Okay, I had to post another comment after reading how that woman treated you. I can almost guarantee that she's an unstylish, jealous frump, and she was just looking for an opportunity to get her digs in. You know the dress was appropriate, I know it, and that B knows it. Yes, let's discuss wellbutrin! If my email doesn't show up, it's Reading your blog is like reading a really good book. I love how you write. I've never commented on anyone's blog, so this is a first. Have a good night!

Marian said...

darling glad your still running,wishing you all the best. you dress is beautiful ghoney! what pretty layers and such a lovely colour.
muah x

Karinaxoxo said...

Throw away the scales girl!!! Its all about how you feel and fit in your clothes. Go buy a pair of jeans in the size you wanna be - and work until you fit in them!
And I agree with what someone else said - I don't know you personally but I know you enough to know that you are a fabulous lady and although you went thru the pain of being teased while you were growing up - I bet those kids aren't half the person you are now! xoxo
That dress is amazing... and with that, I'm off to ASOS =)

cedric said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.