Can't wait till Summer when I can wear it with bare legs and arms. So for now, I made did with maroon accents...
This is a positive/negative post so I'm going to start with the negative first, to end on a good note.
I've been working out very hard and watching what I eat for a month now and there have been no changes in my weight.
Actually, that's a lie. I've actually GAINED weight! Yup. Apparently it wasn't enough to just bust my hump to lose zero pounds so instead my body decided to gain a few. Not very funny, body.
I know that there are reasons for this...could be muscle. Could be water. Could be Satan torturing me the best way he knows how. But the fact is, I expected to have lost 8 pounds already and have just gained one instead.
Weight loss comes slowly, you might say. Oh really? Well how is it that last year, I did roughly the same thing with spinning in place of running and I DID lose 8 pounds in one month. And then some (lost 12 in total in two months).
It is so frustrating, especially since I have become a total hermit since I've started this plan. I haven't gone out and seen my friends in weeks, I've just holed up in my apartment. I just don't want them to see me like I am. Especially since on Facebook everyone more or less knows about my weight loss efforts and all the workouts I am doing. So they would probably expect to see some skinny version of me. And hell, that's what I thought I could unveil too but there is no skinny me at this point, it's the same old me that they are going to see. A me that OBVIOUSLY failed.
On Feb 21st I have a girl's night out that I have been somewhat looking forward to, thinking that on that night I could unveil the new "me" - but I know now that's not going to happen yet. So when that night comes along, instead of wearing one of the hundreds of form-fitting dresses I have that I was hoping to show off, I'm going to have to put on some baggy mumu thing (though I promise it will be a cute mumu).
I still haven't even worn pants yet! It's been a month! I want to wear pants!
Patience is a virtue, I know, especially when it comes to weight loss. But I am so sick of trying so hard and getting nowhere. I am so tired of being so angry and hateful towards anyone thinner than I am. I'm a bitter, hungry hermit with no end in sight.
What's funny though is when I lost the weight last year, no one freakin' noticed! I went from 138 to 124 at one point (last few pounds were flu induced). I went down 2 jeans sizes. But no one said anything. It was at that point that I realized I had to be doing this for myself alone and no one else. And luckily, I was since even though no one noticed, I liked myself a LOT better for being thinner.
Anyhoo, on the plus side, I think I notice a change even now. My bf says he does too but I think he's just trying to shut me up. But my butt feels smaller (which isn't that good since I like my butt), my abs and pooch are flatter, my waist is tinnier, the muscles on my legs are more defined and I think THINK my face may finally be de-puffing.
Or it could all be in my head since technically I am getting heavier. LE FREAKIN' SIGH.
OK more positivity. As you know, I have been training for the Vancouver Sun Run, the world's second largest timed 10K race.
First off, let me give you a bit of a background on myself. As most of you know, I was born disabled with club feet. This means that I learned to WALK and RUN with casts on both of my legs.
As a result, I have never walked or run normally. I used to get teased - hardcore - about both while growing up (nevermind the teasing about the scars). It wasn't till I saw a video of myself walking with my horse around a paddock that I realized I didn't straighten my legs enough while walking.
So I improved on that, though to be honest people still notice my "walk." My mother calls it the "Marilyn Monroe walk," and I've had physiotherapists have other names for it (something about having loose hips...). I wiggle. My hips sashay. I don't think much about it these days but I did think about it - with every step I took - for about 23 years. It makes me cry, right now, to think about how much something as simple as walking made me so afraid. In fact, I am still afraid sometimes to walk past people I know because I think they are making fun of me. I'm afraid to walk alone in the town I went to high school in for fear of the same thing.
Then there was RUNNING. That was even worse and as a result, I never did it. First of all, I didn't run properly (leaned too far forward), I had exercise-induced asthma and very poor fitness. My feet ACHE after walking or standing for too long so it made sense they would hurt even more from running. Plus I was made fun of by both my peers AND teachers.
I remember several horrible PE classes, including one in Grade 7 where I was excused from playing soccer. The reason being, there was a chance someone could kick my ankles, in the scar area, when going for the ball and if that happened... Holy shit. I can't explain the pain. I can't even TOUCH my scars without wanting to vomit, honestly. It's all raw nerve endings. So it's safe to say that if I got kicked there, it would be like being kicked in the balls. I know this is abou true, because I have been kicked there once (in the scars, not the balls...dont have balls :P) and I just keeled over. Couldn't breathe. Saw stars. Wanted to die.
Anyway so these snotty rich bitches from my school were complaining to the PE Teacher about me "How come Lusty can't be on our team just because her feet are all messed up," and the teacher said, "Why should it matter, she can't run properly anyway." Right in front of me.
So you can see why I've been afraid to run.
But I decided to put it past me. I started going running in the mornings back in December - not because it was easier to get it out of the way but that because it was dark and no one could see me. I just realized this now, which means I've actually come quite aways since then. I've been running in the daylight now without thought so I'm obviously learning to not give a shit. Finally.
Back in December though, I could do 10 minutes before I wanted to die. As of now, I can run for 35 minutes, and I don't feel like dying at the end, instead I feel like I could keep going. To be honest though, I STILL feel like dying it's just that occurs during the first 20 minutes of my run and eases up after that. Or I have 10 minutes of wanting to die dispersed with 10 of not wanting to and so on.
And I actually like running. OK, that's not entirely true because when I am ACTUALLY RUNNING I am constantly cursing myself and my body, etc...I just plain hate it. But any other time, I have only good things to say. Like now. I know the pain I feel when running and how hard it is, yet I am stupidly looking forward to my run tomorrow morning. I scour magazines and running blogs for running tidbits. I consider myself a runner and running as a hobby. I live for it! That is, until I'm actually putting one foot in front of the other.
Maybe I just like the idea of me as a runner. ME. As a RUNNER. Let's face it, my parents are so proud of the fact that I run now and am training for the race because I CAN run. To them, it means their child isn't a completely handicapped mess. I can do anything and since most podiatrists have frowned against me running, that only reinforces that fact YES I CAN.
Yes, my shins hurt when I run sometimes. My legs burn and feel too heavy to move (another reason to lose weight: I'll be easier to move). My hamstrings are forever tight. But so far, my feet don't hurt. Maybe when I approach the 60-minute mark, they might but at this moment, my disability isn't getting in my way.
(I should also mention that I started spinning again to help with the weight loss and to improve my running with crosstraining. I hadn't been to a spin class since September and was suprised how I am now able to go hardcore for the whole session, harder than I ever have - in fact, spinning was now "easy" to me. If running hasn't helped with weight loss, I at least know for sure that it has improved my stamina and fitness levels ten-fold!)
PS - just wanted to thank you all for your lovely and supportive comments. You guys rock and your words do matter. Thanks for reading :)