Thursday, February 19, 2009

Making changes

First off, I want to say thanks for all your support. I know sometimes when someone whines and bitches on their blog, it comes across as being spoiled or something. Thanks for just letting me be me and get that off my chest. It was theraputic.

I did make a list yesterday of everything that was making me angry. It was three pages long, no suprise. Then I went and wrote the solution to everything beneath it.

I would love to say that that alone solved everything but it didn't. I felt better temporarily but the events of the day consipired to deeply enrage and upset me.

First of all, I nearly died on the drive home. I was in the merging lane, keeping up with speed of traffic, and merging onto the highway like I do every day after work.

As I was merging - you know, moving over, traffic signal blinking - the car whom I thought was slowing down to let me in, suddenly stepped on the gas.

I guess at the last minute he decided he was not going to let me in and the distance between him and the car in front of him started closing up fast.

My dilemma was that I had no choice but to merge at this point. My speed had increased because of it and I had maybe 5 seconds before the merge lane ended and I would have slammed into the gaurdrail on the side at 70K.

I couldn't speed up too fast either because there was still a car in front of me. And I couldn't have slammed on the breaks either because I wouldn't have stopped in time and would have flipped.

It was at that moment, as I was moving over and realizing this guy is going to fucking run into me and knowing I had no option, that I felt total fear. Fear that because of this one guy, I may actually get into a horrible car accident or worse. I would have died.

So in my panic, I just LAID DOWN ON THE HORN - I honked fast, repeatedly, even though he was behind/beside me. I probably freaked the lady out in front of me but I needed to let the guy know that if he didn't let me in, it would be the end for us all.

Other cars were slowing down and looking at the attention I was creating so it was only then that he stepped off the gas and BARELY let me in. I guess he figured if we crashed it was his fault.

Then he proceeded to tailgate me all the way to me exit, and stared at me the whole time, throwing his hands in the air and not understanding what just happened. Funny thing was it was a green SecuriGuard car so how about that for security.

I was just so shook up afterwards, I started crying on the drive home. I couldn't believe what could have happened. And I couldn't believe this guy.

I can understand there are jerks out there who speed up when, say, someone is trying to budge in front of you - I admit I do this. At like 10K. And when they are trying to bypass the line and cut in front on purpose.

But you DO NOT prevent someone from merging into your lane when the merge lane ends. Even if it doesn't end, when people have to merge, you let them. And even if you did feel like being a jerk and speeding up a bit, most people would back off once they realize that the person is coming in whether you like it or not. But not this guy. He wanted me dead, it seems.

So yeah, I was so upset after that I didn't even make it to spin class. I felt too scared and vulnerable to go back outside.

Then the second event happened. I stepped on the scale. I know I shouldn't have, but it had been TWO WEEKS since I last weighed myself so I figured that was enough time to not have it influenced by daily fluctuations.

Yup. I gained weight again. 140.4. I haven't been this fucking heavy since 2005.

I'm only 5'5" - being 140 is at the very top of what is healthy here. I am just 5 pounds away from being the weight I was when guys told me I was "too fat" - 5 pounds away from the weight that made people ask me "Why are your arms so big" - 5 pounds away from having an unhealthy BMI.

For someone who eats right and exercises, this is not the weight I am supposed to be.

I just can't believe it. I can't believe all the exercise and dieting and strength training and stress have lead to NOTHING!

I mean, I am cutting out, through diet and exercise, at LEAST 3,500 calories a week so I should AT LEAST be losing a pound a week but not even that. I'm gaining and gaining and gaining!!! And it's NOT FUCKING MUSCLE, you can't put on pounds of muscle just like that, it takes time for muscle weight to build and even body builders can't put on more than one pound of muscle a week, so that "muscle weighs more than fat" thing is bullshit. Total bullshit. I mean, I don't even work my muscles more than twice a week.

This of course sent me into a tizzy at 10PM last night which my poor boyfriend had to deal with.

There is a difference between hating the way you look and hating your body because you aren't doing anything about it and hating the way you look and hating your body even though you ARE doing something - many things - and nothing is working.

I am so close to throwing in the towel. What is the point? Why am I watching what I eat if it doesn't help? Why am I exercising?

The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I am training for this 10K - and right now, that is my saving grace. Because if I hadn't signed up for it, I would quit right now. Sure I wouldn't lose weight, but I'm not losing weight anyway and I least I wouldn't be miserable because I spend all my free time exercising and not eating.

(btw I am eating between 1200-1400 calories a day, so no, I am not in "starvation mode").

And the thing is, this isn't even about feeling FAT or whatever anymore...I just don't understand why my body isn't cooperating. I can live with staying at my weight if I have to but what really grinds my gears is WHY? Why is this happening? I've lost weight come I can't now? Why are my efforts going to waste? Why is my body defying chemistry? What is the reason? I NEED TO KNOW.

Then I started getting angry all over again. And crying. And depressed.

And then I realized, holy crap I AM depressed. I mean, clinically depressed which explains why I hate myself and my life so much right now, am always tired and always angry.

It makes sense. It runs in my family. My mother is on prozac, my brother is bi-polar (among other things). And I have been on anti-depressants before.

But here is the thing - I am TERRIFIED to take anti-depressants again. Because the one time I did - Wellbutrin - it ruined my life. This was back in 2000 and I STILL feel side effects, 9 years later.

Wellbutrin almost killed me - I ended up in the hospital, lucky to be alive.

It's an interesting story, but long, so I will share it with you some other time. But needless to say, I am not really eager to try "happy pills" again.

But there is obviously something wrong with me and I need help.

So, I am going to make some changes. After this weekend, I am going back on the South Beach Diet that made me lose a lot of weight before (slowly but surely) - perhaps I just can't handle carbs and sugar, no matter how low-calorie my diet is.

I might take up yoga again, once a week. One thing that stresses me out is how much time exercise is sucking out of my life but anyway.

I'm gonna continue doing my exercise everyday but keep a low-stress approach. Just keeping doing it, consistently, and stop expecting results. Only spin once a week because going to class stresses me out. Run when I can. Go on the eliptical in between.

I'm probably going to the doctor tomorrow to get my thyroid tested. For the last 8 years I have believed I have a low thyroid, and though I have been tested for it many, MANY times, I'll still get tested again. Maybe also ask if there are anti-depressants or ant-anxiety drugs that don't cause weight gain, sexual side effects OR seizures.

Regardless of that outcome, I am also going to start taking Omega 3 Fish Oil.

Doing some research, I've found that with only a mild blood-thinning side effect, Omega 3 fish Oils can help the following problems I might have: Depression, ADHD, Anxiety, Weight Gain, Memory, Brain Fog, Energy, High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Arthritis, etc.

I'm not expecting a miracle pill but even getting some benefit out of it is better than nothing. And hell, maybe the placebo effect will work with me! I'll take that.

Picture time - yesterday I was inspired by The Budget Babe's take on wild animal prints. Last week I wore the zebra cardi, so this week I slipped on a snow leopard pencil skirt. I paired it with my evil Christian Louboutin heels which I will certainly list on Ebay shortly and a new punky cuff from ASOS.

Sweater and skirt: Forever 21; Tights: H&M; Shoes: Christian Louboutin; Cuff: ASOS


sil said...

glad to hear you are feeling somewhat better! that guy that sped up is such a donkey! i'm glad that you weren't hurt. keep up your training on the 10K - you have accomplished so much just by training and actually running! don't forget that! i have used lexapro, and i would recommend it as an antidepressant...good luck!!

Odette said...

That kind of driving story freaks me right out! What a son of a bitch! I am so glad that you're okay! I hate it when people ask people who have been traumatized "so did you get their license plate number?" I mean seriously how can you do think of stuff like that when your life just flashed before your eyes? Arg.

It's funny (well actually not funny at all) but I am having the exact same weight loss challenges, and I WAS on South Beach. I too am heavier than I have ever been (according to my Wii I am very overweight!) You need to give yourself more credit for sticking with it as long as you have.

I know all too well how depression can literally suck the life out of you, so hang in there. You know that you're a rock star in my eyes! :)

Rachel said...

I LOVE the leopard pring skirt, and it looks amazing with the red sweater! Phenomial outfit choice. Does your BF work out with you at all? I was so incredibly frustrated with my workouts because I never got to be at home, but when he agreed to take a tai chi class with me I was amazed how much it helped. We were still spending time together and I didn't feel like it was taking over my life. Just a thought.
You are an amazing person and you are constantly inspiring me with everything you do. Thanks for being you and sharing it with all of us.


Nice, I'd like to see that DvF dress. Cool bracelet! =]


Alice said...

man, i need to spend some more quality time in F21... you end up with such awesome outfits using pieces from there!

i've heard good things about the effects of fish oil. i hope that works out well.

also? that douche on the highway? JACKASS.

Tina { Luphia Loves... } said...

gorgeous outfit and of course amazing shoes!!

T-bird said...

Have you tried visiting a naturopath or nutritionist?

I've use Zoloft - a small dose helps me a lot and I havnt noticed any side effects.

Also, I've tried hypnotherapy - not the wacky kind you see on TV. But more like relaxation therapy - you just relax while they speak positive words and somehow thats supposed to reach your subconsious. I dont know if it works but its certainly a good way to learn self-relaxation.

All that makes me sound like a bit of a hippy/wack job - but I'm pretty cynical so I approach these things with caution usually. But its worth trying because you shouldnt have to feel like shit.

Farrell said...

I thought you looked good before but knowing that you are 5'5" and 140? Girl, you look DAMN good. I would have never guessed your weight! (I would have guessed lower, duh) and no i am not kissing your butt or anything, just saying.
Also: would love to hear the wellbutrin story as my friends are on it; I am on Effexor
Also: I have hypothyroidism
Also: Hypoglycemia (also have), not to freak you out: diabetes,...going to get a test is a good idea.
We should chat. email me.

DaisyChain said...

Wow, it really sounds like things have been pretty horrible for you lately. I'm hoping, more than anything that things get better, and if you ever want to rant at someone (anyone) just drop me an e-mail.

Unknown said...

what a crazy guy! i hate those people who really don't realise how much they're effecting you.

well done for trying to find ways out of the way you feel right now, you seem to be dealing with it in a really healthy way. i hope something helps you, and soon! :)

karisap said...

So here's what I can offer. First, go to a bookstore and skim through the "Eat Clean Workout" the "Eat Clean Diet" (which is not really a traditional diet and won't make you only eat cabbage or something stupid) and the "Eat Clean Workout JOURNAL".
I understand your struggle but you mentioned one key thing in this said you're "STRESSING" about it. That alone is a major cause of weight gain for some people.
I know you think 140 is horrendous...but think of the Biggest Loser...those people are using 140 as their optimal goal!
Lastly, please please please do not take'll be screwing with your body's own levels and the reason for this "depression" could be resolved many other ways. Like...have you eaten any protien lately? Like REAL some salmon, hit up the carton of egg whites and eat protien every 2-3 hours. Natural almonds (no salt) are an excellent snack to keep your mood up and your metabolism pumping.
Also Karina, in a study of a picture of an untoned woman who is 125lbs and a woman who is toned at 140lbs 97% of people asked who was the woman who weighed less chose the woman who was actually 140lbs.

And hey...I'm 5' think YOU have problems at 5'5...sheesh!

Rebecca, A Clothes Horse said...

You look trim and perfect! I love your skirt. Also the story about the man and the merge lane--this is why I don't drive. Seriously, I don't have a license and it is because drivers FREAK ME OUT.

Mummerina said...

I def think you should go to a doctor. If you are doing everything right, and gaining weight - it may be a health issue.
I love that skirt!

Sarah said...

Hey, hope you are feeling better now! Have you thought about speaking to one of the trainers at the gym about why you arent losing weight? If the doctors cant find anything medically wrong, maybe its just the kind of training you are doing?