Making changes

First off, I want to say thanks for all your support. I know sometimes when someone whines and bitches on their blog, it comes across as being spoiled or something. Thanks for just letting me be me and get that off my chest. It was theraputic.

I did make a list yesterday of everything that was making me angry. It was three pages long, no suprise. Then I went and wrote the solution to everything beneath it.

I would love to say that that alone solved everything but it didn't. I felt better temporarily but the events of the day consipired to deeply enrage and upset me.

First of all, I nearly died on the drive home. I was in the merging lane, keeping up with speed of traffic, and merging onto the highway like I do every day after work.

As I was merging - you know, moving over, traffic signal blinking - the car whom I thought was slowing down to let me in, suddenly stepped on the gas.

I guess at the last minute he decided he was not going to let me in and the distance between him and the car in front of him started closing up fast.

My dilemma was that I had no choice but to merge at this point. My speed had increased because of it and I had maybe 5 seconds before the merge lane ended and I would have slammed into the gaurdrail on the side at 70K.

I couldn't speed up too fast either because there was still a car in front of me. And I couldn't have slammed on the breaks either because I wouldn't have stopped in time and would have flipped.

It was at that moment, as I was moving over and realizing this guy is going to fucking run into me and knowing I had no option, that I felt total fear. Fear that because of this one guy, I may actually get into a horrible car accident or worse. I would have died.

So in my panic, I just LAID DOWN ON THE HORN - I honked fast, repeatedly, even though he was behind/beside me. I probably freaked the lady out in front of me but I needed to let the guy know that if he didn't let me in, it would be the end for us all.

Other cars were slowing down and looking at the attention I was creating so it was only then that he stepped off the gas and BARELY let me in. I guess he figured if we crashed it was his fault.

Then he proceeded to tailgate me all the way to me exit, and stared at me the whole time, throwing his hands in the air and not understanding what just happened. Funny thing was it was a green SecuriGuard car so how about that for security.

I was just so shook up afterwards, I started crying on the drive home. I couldn't believe what could have happened. And I couldn't believe this guy.

I can understand there are jerks out there who speed up when, say, someone is trying to budge in front of you - I admit I do this. At like 10K. And when they are trying to bypass the line and cut in front on purpose.

But you DO NOT prevent someone from merging into your lane when the merge lane ends. Even if it doesn't end, when people have to merge, you let them. And even if you did feel like being a jerk and speeding up a bit, most people would back off once they realize that the person is coming in whether you like it or not. But not this guy. He wanted me dead, it seems.

So yeah, I was so upset after that I didn't even make it to spin class. I felt too scared and vulnerable to go back outside.

Then the second event happened. I stepped on the scale. I know I shouldn't have, but it had been TWO WEEKS since I last weighed myself so I figured that was enough time to not have it influenced by daily fluctuations.

Yup. I gained weight again. 140.4. I haven't been this fucking heavy since 2005.

I'm only 5'5" - being 140 is at the very top of what is healthy here. I am just 5 pounds away from being the weight I was when guys told me I was "too fat" - 5 pounds away from the weight that made people ask me "Why are your arms so big" - 5 pounds away from having an unhealthy BMI.

For someone who eats right and exercises, this is not the weight I am supposed to be.

I just can't believe it. I can't believe all the exercise and dieting and strength training and stress have lead to NOTHING!

I mean, I am cutting out, through diet and exercise, at LEAST 3,500 calories a week so I should AT LEAST be losing a pound a week but not even that. I'm gaining and gaining and gaining!!! And it's NOT FUCKING MUSCLE, you can't put on pounds of muscle just like that, it takes time for muscle weight to build and even body builders can't put on more than one pound of muscle a week, so that "muscle weighs more than fat" thing is bullshit. Total bullshit. I mean, I don't even work my muscles more than twice a week.

This of course sent me into a tizzy at 10PM last night which my poor boyfriend had to deal with.

There is a difference between hating the way you look and hating your body because you aren't doing anything about it and hating the way you look and hating your body even though you ARE doing something - many things - and nothing is working.

I am so close to throwing in the towel. What is the point? Why am I watching what I eat if it doesn't help? Why am I exercising?

The only thing that is keeping me going is the fact that I am training for this 10K - and right now, that is my saving grace. Because if I hadn't signed up for it, I would quit right now. Sure I wouldn't lose weight, but I'm not losing weight anyway and I least I wouldn't be miserable because I spend all my free time exercising and not eating.

(btw I am eating between 1200-1400 calories a day, so no, I am not in "starvation mode").

And the thing is, this isn't even about feeling FAT or whatever anymore...I just don't understand why my body isn't cooperating. I can live with staying at my weight if I have to but what really grinds my gears is WHY? Why is this happening? I've lost weight before...how come I can't now? Why are my efforts going to waste? Why is my body defying chemistry? What is the reason? I NEED TO KNOW.

Then I started getting angry all over again. And crying. And depressed.

And then I realized, holy crap I AM depressed. I mean, clinically depressed which explains why I hate myself and my life so much right now, am always tired and always angry.

It makes sense. It runs in my family. My mother is on prozac, my brother is bi-polar (among other things). And I have been on anti-depressants before.

But here is the thing - I am TERRIFIED to take anti-depressants again. Because the one time I did - Wellbutrin - it ruined my life. This was back in 2000 and I STILL feel side effects, 9 years later.

Wellbutrin almost killed me - I ended up in the hospital, lucky to be alive.

It's an interesting story, but long, so I will share it with you some other time. But needless to say, I am not really eager to try "happy pills" again.

But there is obviously something wrong with me and I need help.

So, I am going to make some changes. After this weekend, I am going back on the South Beach Diet that made me lose a lot of weight before (slowly but surely) - perhaps I just can't handle carbs and sugar, no matter how low-calorie my diet is.

I might take up yoga again, once a week. One thing that stresses me out is how much time exercise is sucking out of my life but anyway.

I'm gonna continue doing my exercise everyday but keep a low-stress approach. Just keeping doing it, consistently, and stop expecting results. Only spin once a week because going to class stresses me out. Run when I can. Go on the eliptical in between.

I'm probably going to the doctor tomorrow to get my thyroid tested. For the last 8 years I have believed I have a low thyroid, and though I have been tested for it many, MANY times, I'll still get tested again. Maybe also ask if there are anti-depressants or ant-anxiety drugs that don't cause weight gain, sexual side effects OR seizures.

Regardless of that outcome, I am also going to start taking Omega 3 Fish Oil.

Doing some research, I've found that with only a mild blood-thinning side effect, Omega 3 fish Oils can help the following problems I might have: Depression, ADHD, Anxiety, Weight Gain, Memory, Brain Fog, Energy, High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Arthritis, etc.

I'm not expecting a miracle pill but even getting some benefit out of it is better than nothing. And hell, maybe the placebo effect will work with me! I'll take that.

Picture time - yesterday I was inspired by The Budget Babe's take on wild animal prints. Last week I wore the zebra cardi, so this week I slipped on a snow leopard pencil skirt. I paired it with my evil Christian Louboutin heels which I will certainly list on Ebay shortly and a new punky cuff from ASOS.








Sweater and skirt: Forever 21; Tights: H&M; Shoes: Christian Louboutin; Cuff: ASOS