Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Anger management

I was going to do a post regarding my wonderful Valentine's weekend but that will have to wait till tomorrow as I forgot my camera cord at home and have tons of photos to post.

I've just been in such a foul mood lately and I have no idea why. I mean, I know I am an angry person by nature, though it can be hard to pinpoint the causes of these things. Sometimes I think I subconciously ache for all the hardships in my life, which can be unnerving since everyone has a sob story and there is always someone worse off than you. But growing up with my feet and facing the challenges I have faced with that regard, has been tough, no doubt. It's hard to want to be normal so badly and yet know deep down that that will never, EVER happen.

Sometimes I think I buy a lot of shoes because I am searching for something to make me feel normal, like everyone else. High Heels=hurt; I ache emotionally because I can not look sexy like everyone else, and if I wear them I ache physically because they kill my feet. Actually, considering my disability, I should be grateful that I don't have to wear orthopedic shoes. And I am, sometimes. But I am still angry most of the time.

Like right now. I'm angry because my feet are killing me. I am wearing a beautiful pair of Christian Louboutin heels. They aren't even high, maybe 3 inches. They are a gorgeous grey colour with very pointy toes. Yet, even though THEY SAY CL's are cut small, these are still way too big for me. My toes slide so far forward that my heel slips out with each step. I wobble as there is no hold back there. And no, even a million Foot Petals don't help, they just squeeze my toes together even more.

So I can't have nice shoes. These beautiful, expensive shoes mock me because I know I can never wear them and be confident. I have to worry about each step I take. So, other than today, they usually sit on my shelf where I can look at them and imagine what it would be like to have normal feet.

My feet must be the cause of a lot of my issues, but it's not all. I grew up with a brother whom I barely consider a brother. He has Asperger's Syndrome, a form of Autism, and also has a slew of other mental disorders. He got into drugs at 16, stole thousands of dollars and heirlooms from my me and my parents to buy money for cocaine, acid etc, he lived on the streets of Vancouver for years, panhandling for money for crack and booze. He destroyed my family. I used to hate him. Now I don't, I don't feel anything anymore. What I do feel is how his life destroys my poor mother who has had the worst possible childhood of anyone you can think of. It's not fair to anyone.

At 30, he is better now. He lives in a welfare sponsored apartment near my parents. He has a friend who takes care of him, who is now more like a brother to me than my brother is. But things aren't fine. He'll still look through my bag and take any money he can find and buy booze. He'll still trick doctors into giving him Ritalin, which he will then proceed to take all at once. He'll still get drunk, threaten someone, get arrested. He'll still dissapear for days. He'll still come over to my parents and harrass my mother for money and freak out if he doesn't get it. There's a reason my parents go on their boat so often or spend months in Palm Springs - it's to get away from my brother. Imagine, you have to escape from your own son because being around him is too unberable.

Then there is someone in my family, the person closest to me, who is an alcoholic because of all of this (and because it runs in my family, both sides apparently). The things I have gone through from age 10 to now... I can not even begin to describe what I have seen and experienced.

So those are reasons I could be angry...not only am I cursed to have horribly scarred and disabled feet but I get an alcoholic parent and drug-addicted mental-case brother too.

On top of that, I can't lose weight. Seems pretty trivial after everything i've just said, I know, but funnily enough I think this bugs me most of all. Because I SHOULD be thin. I SHOULD be perfect because of all the other shit in my life. I shouldn't have to struggle to lose weight. I shouldn't have to work out all the damn time in order to lose weight or constantly watch and monitor everything I put in my mouth. I shouldn't have stringy horrible hair and bad skin. I shouldn't feel tired and run down all the damn time. I shouldn't have undereye circles that are unconcealable. I should at least have something going for me.

And I do. I know I have a lot going for me, but it's not the things I want. I have money to buy clothes - but who cares when I am not thin enough to wear the things I want to. I can buy nice shoes, but what's the point when they sit on my shelf - they aren't art. I have a job that I don't hate, but what about all the dreams I had, knowing I should be doing something else.

I had dreamed of a life less ordinary, something far from mediocre to make up for all the shit I've had. But my life turned out to be very ordinary indeed. Maybe this is what angers me most of all. I'm 27 and I've got nothing.

Well, that's my rant. Please don't suggest I go to therapy, I have a counsellor that I have seen before and if I feel the need to go, I will. Please don't belittle me for my problems for I know they may seem minor to some and I know there is always someone worse off. And please don't think I'm ungrateful for the good things I have in my life because I know they are there. I just haven't been able to see them clearly lately.


Addendum: In order to start sorting myself out, I made a HUGE list of everything that is making me angry lately. Interestingly enough, my family only came up at the very end, as an afterthought, so while they may be making me angry subconciously, they aren't really factoring into my current rage state. And the more I think about it, my current rage state is tied a lot to ME: I am my own worst enemy and I really fucking need some self-esteem!

BTW for those who like pictures with your posts, here are two from awhile back. I like these shots because my clothes and my accesories are mirror images of each other: drapey, flowy, cozy.

Earrings: H&M; Cardigan & Fringe top: Forever 21; Necklace: ASOS

Dress: I forget, some designer type store in Rome; Drapey Cardigan and Scarf: Forever 21; Shoes: Steve Madden


Tunic: H&M, Necklace: Forever 21; Boots: ASOS; Bag: Mielie Bianco; Leggings: Aldo

11 comments:

Mitch said...

I'll only write the following:

***HUGS***

You've got friends around if you need real, as opposed to digital, hugs...

... said...

awww luv,
i can definitely relate to the alcoholic parent issues, and the feelings of "it's not fair" in regards to having too many burdens while others seem to just float through life with nary a concern.

sending love.
xoxo
roselle

Kass said...

I think you're just going through a really unsettled phase at the moment, it puts you in a tail spin and then everything, even the good things, fly out of shape.

Everything is bad when you're there, and no matter how many good things you have in your life, you feel like everything is getting you down, and surely something must come up soon, because it's so unfair how life just keeps dealing you a bad hand.

I know this feeling, I've been there before and it's truly a horrible place. People can tell you to go seek help, to stop whining, to look at the positive, but that doesn't help. You know these things, you understand these things, but it's your brain and your heart preventing them sinking in far enough for them to make a difference in how you feel.

The only way these things are going to change is by letting them be, and just being good to yourself. They will eventually fade away, and you'll wonder wtf that was all about.

So be good to yourself chick. All those bad things, put them in another box. Think of them as problems that someone else has, you can still feel bad about them, but please don't dwell on them. You just give them more power over you. Put all your energy toward taking them down a notch, put all your hatred toward all those horrible feelings that your brain/heart combo is sending you.

I know you're having a really hard time with the weight loss thing, but you'll get there, and you'll feel all the more better for all the effort and hard work you've put into it. You can't change your feet, but hopefully one day you'll learn to accept them the way they are. And if I'm allowed, in my personal opinion, your feet are super cute. Keep that in mind when you think of them, and maybe one day, you can put all that past pain behind you, and think the same. Maybe.

**super massive hugs**

believablegiraffe said...

Hi Karina.

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. It seems like it's just little things that are building up. I don't mean to make light of this, and I don't know much about Asperger's syndrome, but it sounds like he has inadvertently caused you and your parents a lot of heartache, especially with the stolen heirlooms. I know you already know this, but remember, his brain doesn't function quite like the rest of ours. A good book that might give you some peace of mind is called, "Change your Brain, Change your Life."

Now. Let's talk about shoes! Last night whilst being overwhelmed by the exorbitant prices of designer footwear in the new Bazaar, I came across an article that mentioned how the models were all falling down on the runway after being forced to wear EXTREMELY dangerous high heels. Several models almost broke their ankles. Fashion is constantly evolving, and we know that what goes up must come down. My prediction is that flats will soon render heels practically unacceptable. Soon the designers will all be creating gorgeous flats and maybe kitten heels. I always look to websites such as Gerance Dore' to see what the young French girls are wearing. It seems like there's a current trend with Parisian girls wearing gorgeous flat boots in rich leather. I know you own a few pairs of these ;) My favorite black boot is the lace up flat black Minnetonka moccasin boot. It's the cutest, most comfortable shoe I own, and I always get compliments from people when I wear them. I love wearing them with jeans tucked in to them and low-key embroidered tunic to lend a bohemian feel. I know you love Louboutins like most girls do (I'm no exception) but they are seriously the most uncomfortable shoes I've ever worn. There are definitely issues with sizing. My feet look like hooves when I wear them, and the blue eelskin has completely peeled off the heels. I knew you had a black pair and some very cute espadrilles, but I've never seen the grey color on you. They sound cute, and if you must wear them, maybe bring them along in your bag and put them on when you arrive at your destination. That's what I do and it really helps. I couldn't wear a heel like this to work in, and I love wearing flats. Mine are mainly just there in my closet to give me daily buyer's remorse. Hell, I can't wait for the return of flats! Do you find round toed shoes with a chunky 40's heel more comfortable? My favorite pair of heels (and the only pair that I can really stand wearing) is a red, peach, and maroon patent Miu Miu pair with a round toe and a cute chunky heel. They are extremely comfortable, and I bet a shoe like this would look lovely on you and they feel much, much better than a Louboutin heel. I love mine. However, I have not allowed myself to buy new shoes in the last year, and I'm even having a hard time justifying a $35 pair of Abaete' gladiator heels from Payless. I'm most happy to wear Havaianas and new colorful clothing. Lately I've been attempting to incorporate more color into my life, and (here I go again) American Apparel makes affordable endless options of cute cotton tees, tanks, and dresses. I especially love their $8 contrasting color bras, mainly the blue and orange one. It's amazing how picking up a few cotton brightly colored treats can brighten your day and remind you that spring is on the way! I always like to buy larger sizes which I can later shrink in the wash if I do lose weight.

I think the problem here is that you've been on a non-buying kick. It's almost March, and this will soon end. So will the weight issues. You're doing great. This is temporary! For quite some time I was taking Zoloft and I even tried Celexa. My doctor promised me I wouldn't gain any weight or be tired if he added in Wellbutrin, but I ate approximately twice the amount as normal and gained 12 pounds. He lied. I eliminated the Zoloft, and things evened out.

I know you're upset about your scars. They sound like they hurt and that must be a terrible feeling. But you've done a wonderful job recovering from the casts you were forced to wear as a little girl, and the scars serve as a reminder that you got through everything. And you've got that wiggle walk! I would love to be able to walk like Marilyn Monroe, but unfortunately I walk like the Tin Man. Six years ago I was diagnosed with a rare bone tumor. It was in my left femur and started at the top of my hip and ran down to my knee. I had to go to a specialist in Seattle for a bone biopsy (ouch), and they thought it was cancer. Three weeks later they told me it was a liposclerosing myxofibrous tumor and I had to have a 9 hour operation. Most of my left femur was removed and replaced with crouton-like cadaver bone. I also had to have a metal rod placed inside my femur with 2 pins in my pelvis and one in my knee, all to hold this rod in place. It was so painful. I had to have 2 blood transfusions. I ended up with a scar running from my pelvis to my knee. What's most hideous about this is the fact that my doctor had to cut through all of the muscles, so now my leg looks deformed and has stretch marks to boot. I had the rod removed a few years ago because it was sticking out the top of my bone (they only make one size for adults). This is where things went horribly wrong. Cutting through the gluteous muscle has made my ass lopsided and just gross.

You are a beautiful girl, and I was going to ask you what your skincare and makeup secrets are because you have such gorgeous skin and a nice tan. And your hair is lovely. Did you mention that you're growing it out? I always get depressed when I cut mine or allow someone to make it darker. Traveling makes you happy, and it's been awhile.

This will pass. Remember that anyone who is mean to you is just jealous, and girls can be cruel. Don't let ANYONE make you feel stupid or try to tell you that because you're anything but. You have excellent writing skills and have even had things published! Thankfully you have a supportive boyfriend, nice girlfriends, and blogging friends!

Take care. This will pass!
Love,
Jordan

Sarah said...

Hey,

try not to let it all get you down. If it makes you feel any better, as an outsider looking in Im constantly jealous of your ability to look so great all the time, and of your fashion sense!

Hope this feeling passes real soon for you!

♥ Marta ♥ said...

Aww hun... I am soo sorry about your feet.But,I really don't think that a shoes need to be high to be sexy.

I can totally relate to your "problem"...since childhood I've had some health issue and as a result i have about 4 inch scar under my left arm - which means that I can't wear anything strapless or open without showing it. At first I avoided certain kinds of clothing, but now I've just accepted it. So nosy people still ask me what is that ... as if they can't see that it is a scar.
But it doesn't bother me any more...

For some it is easier that others...but I think that embracing your differences and being grateful for what you have does make things that tiny bit better. My mom always tell me, " be thankful that it is not worse"... lol, it is a pretty harsh advice but she is right.

By the way... with the shoe problem. What about adorable flats... they have amazing variety now.
How about these:
http://www.revolveclothing.com/b/Product.jsp?code=DAVI-WZ27

they are pricey but sooo sexy... (sale code: JT - this code will give you extra 15% of any purchase and Canadian shipping is free)


Check out revolve clothing flats... especially prettyballerinas and bloch,
http://www.revolveclothing.com/b/Brands.jsp?c=Flats&s=C&d=Shoes


Hun,always remember how beautiful and incredible you are :)

And you have to stop with the weight issue... you have an incredible body!!! Seriously, You're gorgeous !!!!!

Kisses :)

Rachel said...

i don't judge you. i hope you're okay and you'll see a way through this - there is always a way, whether we feel it or not. and eventually you will be the place you want to be (that life less ordinary). i know it, because as long as you are still as passionate about it as you are, it will come. i promise :)

sil said...

i'm sendin' you lots of love and best wishes! i think you are great for putting things out there and just gettin it all out! good for you for making the list.
not sure if you want tips, but i just read that maybe you should vary the calories you intake (like 1200 one day, 2000 the next and so on) and maybe you will see some weight loss. it's the hardest thing to see stuff that you can't wear, but you have amazing style! and i know that soon you will make it to your goal!!!

Couture Carrie said...

I totally understand how you feel - everyone is entitled to be angry at times, even if it's for no reason. And pardon my saying so, but you ARE thin, so maybe you should stop trying to lose weight? You are quite lovely, and you wear clothes so well - love the outfits you've posted here!

xoxox,
CC

Dan said...

I have been insanely angry at everything for the past two weeks too. Wha does our horoscope say?

Juno said...

Hello from Australia! I enjoy reading your blog and look forward to visiting Canada one day. It was gutsy to share this post with strangers. I often wonder if I ever will on mine. I have similar but different long-term problems. Scars on my back- permanent, but bearable. A parent who will never recover from a mental illness- not so easy and a daily struggle. Keep on writing, it's good stuff.