Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tall, dark and handsome? No thanks...


I would like you all to note that I actually wrote this post about a month ago. There are some corrections to be made, mainly the facts that at the time I wrote this, I really wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and the guy actually gave me an underlying creeps. Which is probably why I wasn’t attracted to him. Upon our second encounter, my opinion was only solidified. The guy really isn’t all THAT good –looking, combined with the creeps and a general feeling on wariness are all perfect reasons why I wasn’t attracted to him. But I thought the whole point about the scenario was still valid so I decided to still post it below…

What equals attraction? I know this topic has been all over the blog world, with people such as Rachel and Indy putting their two cents in. I have given my two cents already. I stick by it:

First of all, it comes down to chemistry, a spark between people – usually brought on by several characteristics: similar sense of humour (very important), kindness, loyalty, intelligence, a passion for life, ambition and thoughtfulness. This is my list mind you and everyone has a different one. And I still stick by my vote that MONEY is not important to me in the least. Yes, says Indy, this is probably because I have money. But so what? It just doesn’t matter to me – ambition does, but that is not ruled by the all-mighty dollar. I want a man to have goals for himself and his life, to want to strive to get there – whether these goals mean selling his paintings on the street or what have you.

Looks are important – this is always stressed by everyone. But what about them? ATTRACTION is important, not looks. I can be attracted to the strangest people (Conan O’Brian, or Jack Black anyone?) that are not conventionally good-looking just because something else they possess pulls me towards them (mainly humour, fun, good-spirit etc).

So, thankfully, the homeliest guy can be found attractive to me if there are other factors that surpass that and add up to the thing called “chemistry.”

But can the most handsome guy be found bland if the chemistry lacks?

Or maybe, just being TOO attractive can render someone unattractive.

I met a friend of a friend for drinks the other day – while I knew what he looked like and had been talking to him for a while, I was SHOCKED to meet him face to face.

He was tall – 6’4”, in a snazzy pinstripe suit and tie, shiny aviator glasses, nicely browned from recent days in the Indonesian sun. Oh and he looked like a BETTER looking version of James Franco. A 6’4” James Franco look alike.

My first thought, “I think I’ve seen this guy on the cover of GQ” followed by “he is WAY too good-looking to be seen with me.”

Maybe I am just easily impressed – a suit and tie does do it for me everytime (love that old-fashioned glamour), I suppose because I very rarely see guys my age wearing one (GQ was 30 and had to wear one for work). I also notice that I rarely see any guy that I would consider “hot” – maybe because attraction for me always happens after I get to know them. So when I see someone who would – by Hollywood standards – be considered “gorgeous” - it’s a bit of a novelty.

As we walked down the street to the Freehouse bar overlooking English Bay, I couldn’t help but feel like I was with a celebrity. This guy had every woman on the street turning heads. Suddenly I felt like laughing my ass off – I felt like the dumpy female with the hot guy and imagined all the women going “how did someone like her get someone like him?”

It was a turn-off, actually. I want to make clear to you all that this was NOT a date of any sort, this ridiculously good-looking dude was in fact a friend. And that could be why- even though I and everyone else on the street could plainly see he was extremely attractive – I was just not “attracted” to him. I didn’t want to see him as anything more.

As we sat down and talked for hours, I did note that there were things that would come into my whole list of things that I find attractive – we did have a similar sense of humour, especially when it came to quoting The Simpsons and Caddyshack. We both loved Classic Rock and were going to the Police concert at the end of the month. We both paid our dues at Vancover Film School.

But alas, there just wasn’t a spark. Which was fine with me because I honestly did not want there to be one. I just want to make friends, meet new people and have some fun.

It just struck me as kind of odd though, that the main excuse I was using for why I didn’t “like” this guy was because he was too good-looking. But it’s true. Because being ”really, really ridiculously good looking” means a lot of bad things in my books (Blue Steel is the least of these).

Maybe I am unfairly putting GQ guy into a box but in my opinion and experience, really good-looking guys are unfaithful. They cheat. They can’t be monogamous. They have no sense of loyalty. They are conceited. Vain. Shallow. Arrogant. Uncaring. Unkind. Flaky. Bad in bed (according to Samantha from SATC because “they never had to be good”). Have roving eyes. Expect perfection from those with them. They are fake. They have no faith. You can never trust them. They are good liars. They induce insecurity.

GQ was also actually an actor, looking to get into modeling. An actor? No thanks. Again, I am stereotyping but usually, actors aren’t the smartest cookies. Their ambition and passion (when present) I admire but….

And then I think, who is the shallow one here? Here is a guy that most girls would be interested in for shallow reasons, and then I find I am not because he’s not good enough for me…in other ways. Can shallowness just be about appearances or does it extend to someone not being smart enough, funny enough, kind enough – or are all these factors just a matter of what floats your boat?

Can you ever be too good-looking (males and females)? Is it too much of a good thing? Do really attractive people sometimes face the same problems as really unattractive people? Can something that is so highly praised in this shallow society we live in, actually work against you? Or is it just me – I need more than just a pretty face…and I don’t care if that makes me shallow or not.

19 comments:

WiscoBlonde said...

I also find that guys I'm attracted to don't fit conventional hottness profiles. I like my men a bit chubby with strong noses. If anything, a guy with muscles is a turn-off.

Rachel said...

I think that a man being too good looking causes the woman to feel insecure and that can be a big turn off.
You said that you think that men that are extremely attractive are not trustworthy. It is probably because there are more available choices for them. They can pick and choose who they want.
You might like someone who isn't as physically attractive because you feel like it is a safe bet.
I find that personality makes such a difference for me that it can make unattractive men good looking and good looking men ugly.
It is all your perception and perspective.

Markbnj said...

Lusty:

Topic: Attraction

You said:
Suddenly I felt like laughing my ass off – I felt like the dumpy female with the hot guy and imagined all the women going “how did someone like her get someone like him?”

OK. excuse me. I disagree. I know it's important to make sure we all stay within "reality", but I respectfully disagree as to your calling yourself a "dumpy female". I am sure others (men- or more accurately {in my Humble opinion-- us BOYS-(piggies)-see other thread] would agree with me, and that this is by no means a strech.

Next you say that...
this ridiculously good-looking dude was in fact a friend. And that could be why- even though I and everyone else on the street could plainly see he was extremely attractive – I was just not “attracted” to him. I didn’t want to see him as anything more.

{yes, our feelings work in strange ways. I was lucky enough to fall in love with my best friend...}

...snip...As we sat down and talked for hours, I did note that there were things that would come into my whole list of things that I find attractive –

{these are all good signs, naturally, to make sure you are compatible... }
we did have a similar sense of humour, especially when it came to quoting The Simpsons and Caddyshack. We both loved Classic Rock and were going to the Police concert at the end of the month. We both paid our dues at Vancover Film School.

you then say...
snip...
Maybe I am unfairly putting GQ guy into a box ...
but in my opinion and experience, really good-looking guys are unfaithful.

{ouchies. I wouldn't have any idea about the perceived charges. But perhaps you HAVE experienced them in other (somewhat good-looking) guys.}

{I offer a candid suggestion... might it be POSSIBLE that these feelings, may have been pre-validated for your opinion of "pretty-boys" for you by some cad in your past( or KNOWLEDGE of some CAD in the past), and that it MIGHT be possible that none of these traits could show up with this GQ guy?}

They cheat. They can’t be monogamous. They have no sense of loyalty. They are conceited. Vain. Shallow. Arrogant. Uncaring. Unkind. Flaky. Bad in bed (according to Samantha from SATC because “they never had to be good”). Have roving eyes. Expect perfection from those with them. They are fake. They have no faith. You can never trust them. They are good liars. They induce insecurity.

...{as I said above... ouchies...}

GQ was also actually an actor, looking to get into modeling. An actor? No thanks. Again, I am stereotyping but usually, actors aren’t the smartest cookies.
{IMHO, I think there ARE some great, and smart actors out there, but I wouldn't know...}
Their ambition and passion (when present) I admire but….

and you continue:

And then I think, who is the shallow one here?

{I (again IMHO) DO NOT think you are shallow (or a party girl, or loose for that matter, despite what you may think...)
{but you have a heavy load of baggage from previous experiences. Some of it may be accurate, and some may not be...
However, it is (as they say, YOUR baggage--your mileage may vary)...
So, for all intenseive purposes, you are absolutely NOT being shallow.

You have set a high standard for yourself, and that is absolutely fine...

Here is a guy that most girls would be interested in for shallow reasons, and then I find I am not because he’s not good enough for me…in other ways. Can shallowness just be about appearances or does it extend to someone not being smart enough, funny enough, kind enough – or are all these factors just a matter of what floats your boat?

{yes, your boat floats in general, because what you have Experienced in life...}


And btw, I think the fact that you wrote this, and analyzed it so deeply just goes to show that you're absolutely NOT shallow...

Wanderlusting said...

Wisco - I am also attracted to unconventionally good-looking people. Most of the time, I usually do not find them to be good-looking at first...but then the attraction just grows

Rachel - agreed. It is all perspective.

Mark - Yes, I have been done by a Cad once in my lifetime but he was never all that good-looking. I mean, I thought he was...back in high school but it wasn't like EVERYONE thought so (especially since when I started going out with him he had long hair and wore makeup).

All other men I have dated have not been all that attractive either. Of course, I did find them attractive otherwise I would have not gone out with them but they weren't the types I was like, "wow he's hot." It was more like, "yeah...I guess he's kinda cute" which eventually turned into "Wow he's amazing" or "Yikes, what an ass."

I do have high standards. And I am picky - but the point of this was to show that just because someone is "really good-looking" doesn't mean that everyone is going think so, and that if you already have preconcieved notions about a type, it will actually work against that person. I'm sure a lot of guys have had issues with the "hot" girl for the same reasons.

But in the end, this guy just rubbed me the wrong way. He could have turned out to be faithful, smart etc...who knows? All I know is that I got a strong vibe of dislike from him and I tend to trust my instincts. The minute I don't feel comfortable around someone, I run and don't look back.

M said...

I'm attracted to some pretty strange things, and those things will tip someone over into being very attractive to me and it's got little to do with 'good looking'. I agree with you that it's about chemistry, or something MORE than what someone looks like in the face and body.

Can anyone be TOO goodlooking? lol, hm well no but I tell you when it becomes overbearing. That is, when someone is obsessed by their own beauty. Gorgeous girls who do nothing but flip their hair and stare at themselves in the mirror I think are a turn off. Men who know their beauty will get them anywhere (you know the kind, smarmy smile - assuming you're attracted to them when actually you're not) with women are a complete turn off. So while it's not beauty that is the problem it's how they handle their own beauty which might kill the mood.

As for shallow, well - to me, it's about writing someone off (or flipside; totally accepting someone) based on superficial things. It's about bothering not to find out any more because you've already made up your mind. I mean, if someone is going to be superficial then they're not ever going to be open to the idea that being attracted to someone is about ..like you said - chemistry rather than simply looks.

Todd said...

I know good looking people who have a serious problem getting dates because nobody will approach them.

Dan said...

Hey. How about me? I'll be sure to make sure that there's a spark between us if we ever met by rubbing my feet against the carpet really hard and fast....

Tawcan said...

Great post. So many people emphasize on looks and failed to see the deeper stuff. Just go to a club/bar and you'll find lots examples. IMO attraction can grow the more you know someone and chemistry can & may develop b/c of that.

I have to completely disagree with you about calling yourself a dumpy female. Actually you're not anywhere near that.

We all have our value systems. Just because A thinks B is hot it doesn't mean that C, D, and E think the same way. Besides, there are so many fake beauties walking around nowadays (look at Hollywood). Makeups and plastic surgeries can make someone look hotter but does that mean he/she is truly a hottie? I'd have to say no. Nature beauty and brain are where it's at.

The Stormin Mormon said...

I don't know what to say to that one.

I guess that I have met people in the past that personify and defy those stereotypes, and I can't say I agree or disagree.

I had a woman make the comment that I was dressed to well to be out with her (suit; I came from work). I told her that if she was with me, then to everyone around I obviously enjoyed her company enough to not give a damn how she was dressed. It lightened things up a bit...

That said, in all honesty, from the pics I've seen your not a bad looking woman yourself. Would you expect a guy to feel the same sort of intimidation around you? And more importantly, would you be concerned that it would alter their perception of your "date-ability?" (Hypotheticals, I know that having just ended a relationship you are probably in no mood to put up with my dumb questions)


All of that aside, I dated a model once and she turned out to be a real slut. So I have to say that I have a negative preconception of the career field.

Indiana said...

There should only ever be one rose in a relationship, and I don't hear too many woman eager to drop that title, or the admiring glances that go with being the beauty with the beast :-)

And woman can never be too attracted, but the better looking she is, the more confident the guy has to be.

Harleyblue said...

That definitely doesn't make you shallow. The humor, intelligence and personality are what matter. The looks - ehh - not so much. My fiance is NOT good looking. When my mom and brother first met him, they both wondered what in the hell I was doing. But I had known him for 3 years and he's amazing in every other way. He's hilarious, smart, ambitious, has a great career, loves movies, music and pop culture. Treats my like I'm a fairytale princess. He had everything I wanted except for the looks. I couldn't pass him by just based on that. Looks fade for everyone. The other stuff doesn't. And I agree that "really good looking guys cheat." That's my experience and they're usually vain and annoying.

Neily said...

I think people can be too good looking but thats only to those who care enough to let it bother them. I have a friend who dumped his girl b/c he couldnt handle every guy looking at her.

I also think both 'pretty' people and hmm, shall I say 'unpretty' people both have challenges in life the other doesnt face. We all think the grass is always greener.

I also need to have more substance then just a pretty face/body but granted, Miss Brazil is hot no matter what gerble comes out of her mouth :)

Farrell said...

Todd: That's totally my problem.
Kidding.
Rachel: Ditto
Lusty: I agree with you on the "too attractive=shallow" thing and this is evident in my ex-husband.
Second, ALWAYS trust your gut. It is wise.
I've also observed, time and time again, that you are much more likely to see a good-looking girl with a not so good-looking guy than the other way around. Either this means men or shallow, or women have low self-esteem, or more likely: both.

Peter DeWolf said...

Interesting stuff, lady.

I think that shallow can only be for outside stuff. Looks, money, car, etc.

Wanting a certain amount of kindness, sense of humour, etc. is just being selective. Nothing wrong with that.

Personally I'm not going to hate a woman for being hot. (And luckily enough I was born without the ability to feel that someone is out of my league.) But, for me, personality hugely impacts how I'll interpret someone's looks. "Cute with a good heart and an awesome sense of humour" kicks the crap out of just "gorgeous."

Cyber D said...

You must know that geeks across the globe are thrilled to know that looks aren't important to you. It's every ugly man's dream come true. Great post.

simon said...

gawd! BTW when are you posting more on your travel blog?

Susanne said...

Good post, wl.

I don't think anyone can define what makes someone 'click' with another person, but I think having a similar level of attractiveness, age, height, intelligence, sense of humour etc, does help things along.

After you get to know someone, looks count less and less, and other things become far more important, like how they treat you.

The last boy I went out with was quite good looking, and I did feel insecure about whether I was pretty enough for him. It's not a fun situation to be in.

The Stormin Mormon said...

LOL



Le Tigre

BecsLifeOnline said...

Quite fitting that you mentioned SATC. This post has a "Carrie's column" air to it. Great post! Oh and I'm totally with you on the "guys in suits are hot" thing. My friends are fed up of me elbowing them in the ribs everytime a "suit guy" walks past me ha ha ha.