I totally lost it yesterday. I mean, lost it as in crying hysterically, kicking the washing machine till it feels like my toe is broken, screaming in an empty house, tearing my hear out kind of way.
Where do I begin?
For starters, I have known for quite awhile that the Rockstar's awesome parents were planning taking him and I and his sister and her bf out for a very nice dinner this coming Saturday.
His mother then invited us to come over to their house early so we could help decorate the tree. I jumped on this one because I'm sure the tree will be stately, the decorations will be fab and I wasn't going to have a tree this year cuz I'm going to Palm Springs for Xmas, so I would never have a chance to put one up. Plus, this way, it's all fun in decorating AND I don't have to take it down.
Anyway, I was excited about this prospect, as well as dressing up to go to a fancy dinner.
Then the rockstar's best friend's birthday popped up. His gf was secretly planning a dinner for him that night. Of course, we could not go because we were already going to dinner with his parents. That was fine, but it was kind of annoying that the Rockstar seems to miss out a lot on his friend's plans, mainly because since he moved out, they tend to have their stuff local and not out in FunCity, where we are.
This was all fine until Rockstar said that his BF was now going to rent an ice-rink on Sunday.
My heart froze. Count me out, I said. I could tell that he kinda wanted me there, but ice-skating is not my idea of a fun time (and you'll soon find out why). But I wasn't too fussed, since it would be on Sunday, and I could just go home and do my own thing...let him go lame-ass skating if he wanted to (btw, who the hell goes ice-skating for their birthdays these days?)
Then yesterday he finds out that the skating is actually going be on Saturday, late (like from 11-midnite) so we would be able to go after dinner. But I don't want to go. I don't want to dress up, have a nice few glasses of wine and a big gourmet meal and then go...ice-skating. But it seemed I would have no choice, ESPECIALLY when we found out that the parents were renting a LIMO to take us from their house to the restaurant and back (which is at least 45 min away).
Yes, that's right. My BF's parents are taking us to dinner in a limo.
That's amazing. But it meant that I would be stuck in Tsawwassen that night which then meant I would have to go ice-skating.
Here is the thing. I can't ice-skate. I physically can't. You know my previous post about not being able to stand on my toes or on one leg? Well, I have no balance, I have weak ankles and ice-skating just doesn't work. I was born with club feet, as some of you know, and it is times like this that I am reminded of the deep scars that run up my ankles, the fact that I am too ashamed to even wear sandals and the fact that my feet keep me from doing many, many things that other people can.
For the most part, I'm OK. I am disabled in that sense and I am used to it. This is why despite wanting to be a ballerina growing up, I never could. Instead, I did horseback riding which turned out great for me anyway. But there are everyday things that I just can't do and ice-skating is one of them.
Of course, I could just sit on the bench and watch people skate around the rink. But just that thought alone brought back horrible, horrible memories of Junior High, where the gym teachers would physically MAKE me skate until my ankles almost broke and where I would have to sit on the sidelines, humilated, while the other kids made fun of me, the way I walked, the fact that I couldn't skate, that I was different, etc. Not fun for a 12 year old girl.
And so, for whatever reason, this whole ice skating issue brought all these old issues forward. My bf was at work, so I could only communicate by text how I felt but that only covered the PR version of things. At home at my parents house, where I was using their laundry machine while they are away, I let it loose. Suddenly I couldn't stop crying, screaming, freaking out. And then I had to drive home like that, as I had to beat the traffic. It's a wonder I didn't get in an accident.
I'm sure a lot of you "normal" girls are wondering what the big deal is. You take for granted that you can wear skirts and 4-inch stilettos and frolic on the beach. Honestly, if you haven't had something like this, you won't know and you won't understand and maybe you should just stop reading now, lest you think I'm some whiney little cunt who gets angry when she can't do something.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I know there is so much I can't do and yet, for a girl who was in casts up to her thighs for the first six years of her life, there is a lot that I can do too. But what's interesting is how this made me realize how much I deal with my disability each and everyday. I just never notice, I guess I just shove it aside and move on. And suddenly, one thing, ice-skating, and it all comes flooding out.
This is probably why I will never have high self-esteem, why I try SO DAMN HARD to be perfect in everyway...because I know how IMPERFECT I am....I'm doing my hardest to make up for the deficit. And that's why, when I feel like I am not pretty or thin enough or sexy enough (and that;s everyday) it hits me really hard. It's just adding insult to injury.
Thankfully, this has a happy solution. My bf's sister said she would get drunk with me at the local bar if he went skating and as it turns out my Rockstar would rather do that than going skating at any rate.
And as I got back from my spin class last night (which despite being puffy faced and weak, I still managed to go to) I was surprised to discover a very long, very spontaneously wonderful message from my love in my Facebook inbox (edited):
You might not think you're perfect but I certainly do, I think you're perfect just the way you are. Further proof I love you is that I accept everything about you with open arms, and honey with you, it's so easy. You're so easy to get along with and I still think you're the most beautiful person I"ve ever laid eyes on. It only makes more sense that we're together when I find out you're insecure about certain things because lord knows I am too, and we get that about each other which is what makes us stronger. I've never stopped thinking about you from the moment I met you and I can't imagine it happening. Each time I see you I'm reminded of how cute and hot and adorable you are, I feel like I can spazz out all I want and you'll just smile that pretty smile of yours and you can't top that. Don't ever stop staring at me adoringly because I'll never get sick of seeing those big beautiful brown eyes looking across the table at me. Don't ever change who you are because that's who I'm madly in love with and bettering yourself is one thing but you have to really have flaws to think you need a serious "makeover" and I have yet to see any real ones or ones that don't just make me love you more.
I normally wouldn't post such a personal thing, but I know he has access to this blog and believe me, I've left a lot more, uh, personal stuff out. It's just so amazing to feel so badly about yourself and to have someone in your life who makes up for all that bad stuff.
Despite all these problems of mine, having him in my life does make everything seem...perfect.