Shouting from the top of a mountain

Please forgive me, I am slightly delirious as I write this and I am afraid this blog is going to be a tiny bit self-indulgent. But I can do that, you know, cuz it's my blog and all.

First off, my haircut went great. Maybe too many short layers near my face but in the end it was what I wanted. The hairdresser was sweet and she didn't lecture me or say anything derogatory about my hair...the closest thing was "perhaps more long layers since your hair is quite fine, you don't want to lose volume." I could totally live with that. Anyway, here is a pic. It really does not look any different from before but whatever. I like it.






Anyway, I had to just throw a picture of me and my boyfriend in there as well, for the reasons that are about to follow....

The other night, I did something which I have never done before.

I told my boyfriend (AKA the Rockstar) that I was madly in love with him.

This might not sound like a big deal, but since not only had neither of us said it yet, I had also been feeling this way for the freakin' past two months.

I don't know how love works, but when I got into this relationship, I did have my doubts. Not about him, but about the timing. I had just gotten out of a relationship, was I really ready for a new one, was it just a rebound, etc.

Also, because he had gotten out of a bad breakup too and was single for many years before that, I wasn't sure about that. I had so many testimonials from people who know him saying what a fucking awesome guy he is...but there is a difference between being a good friend and a good boyfriend. Even his best friend didn't know how he would be as a boyfriend.

Well that answer is he is a fucking awesome boyfriend and it's pretty much impossible to NOT fall in love with the guy.

(For those who are wondering, yes he does know about this blog but for his own reasons he doesn't read it...at the same time he doesn't care what I say about him, so as long as it not intentionally mean. And like I could even say a bad thing about him).

OK, I realize that I am veering dangerously close to inducing nausea in a lot of you. But since I have never been this happy before in my life and have never felt THIS way before, you are just gonna have to bear with me (or click the Next Blog button).

Yeah so basically I knew I loved him not even a month into our relationship. I didn't think it was possible to fall so fast (nor did I think it was healthy) but suddenly he started occupying every thought in my head. Everytime I was with him I had to bite my lip from saying it. I started telling everyone that I knew that I was in love. And I even started thinking that for once in my life I was going to say it first. I didn't need to hear it back, I just wanted to be able to say it, to scream it, to yell it, to let him feel it.

It's obvious I completely lost my head. People in Italy would comment on it ("you are so very in love, aren't you?"). Friends would comment on how blissed out I seemed. My mother even told me just the other day, "You don't look like you anymore. You look so happy. You are glowing all the time." Even my boyfriend said at one point, "I see these old pictures of you when you don't look all smiley and happy. It's hard to imagine you without a smile on your face. I would assume you were always like this." ...... And the thing is, I don't think I was always smiley. He thinks I've always been like this but I've only been smiling like an idiot because he is in my life. It's all totally him.

Anyway, I had kind of given up on letting him know though and just decided to wait till he said it. I was putting way too much pressure on myself, better to just leave things be.

Well, that was until Friday night. He had a party and for a certain reason, I was a bit put out (a familiar situation that I had been in a past relationship). He noticed this, asked me what was wrong. I told him that it had absolutely nothing to do with him (cuz it didn't, it was someone else...when your boyfriend really is that awesome, it's only natural for some biyatch to think so as well) and that I would tell him when the party was over cuz I didn't want to bother him with it.

The problem didn't go away though, but I dealt with it the best I could. Then at the end of the night, he suddenly kicked everyone out. It was late, but I thought it odd considering he wasn't like dying to go to bed and there was like 10 people still there. But he got them to leave, then took me by the hand to his room and sat me on his bed.

"OK, so what's wrong?"

"Huh?"

"Earlier, you said there was something you wanted to talk about when the party was over. Well, it's over now, what's wrong?"

"Did you just cut your party short so you could ask me what's wrong?"

"Yeah. I didn't like knowing there was something bothering you. I didn't like to see you upset. I don't care about anyone else."

Right. So this is the part where I started to feel bad because it honestly wasn't that big of a deal and I didn't want to cut his fun short but then I started to feel softer than butter. I couldn't believe that he did that just because he didn't like the fact that something was bothering me.

So, after I told him about my problem (and of course, he was beyond supportive), I lay there thinking about how impossible it was for me not to tell him that night. I had to do it. I decided to take the plunge.

Of course, I was drunk and nervous and taking the plunge lead to me laughing maniacally for about ten minutes. Then I let it spill...."There is something I have to tell you and I'm not sure if you are going to like it or not. So please, just promise you won't respond to it or comment on it for at least a few weeks. Can you promise me that?"

He nodded, I could tell that he was freaking the shit out, thinking it was something horrible.

"I'm desperately in love with you. I love you. I've been waiting so long to say it and I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I just wanted you to hear it, that's all."

He breathed a sigh of relief because he thought I was going to tell him that it was over or something stupid (ha ha GOTCHA!) and then fell silent for a few seconds.

"Well, it's not really fair that I can't say anything in response to that."

"Yeah, well you promised."

"Yeah....well Fuck that! I love you too!"

"No, don't say that because I said-"

"SHUT UP! I LOVE YOU!"

And so on...

What's funny was once we got talking about it, he had been going through a very similar thing. We both brought up the fact that when we were watching Paul McCartney's Back in the US DVD the other day, everytime a love song came on (most notably our favourite, "Maybe I'm Amazed"....at the way I love you all the time) we both wanted to sing it but we were afraid to without scaring the other person. He also told me that he felt this intense connection to from the moment we first met and I know I felt EXACTLY the same thing. And the sex, MY GOD! But I won't go into that haha :)

Anyway, that is that. Now I sit here, almost crying while I write this because I don't ever think I have ever been this happy in my life. I don't care that I was just fired. I don't care that I am jobless and that my future is uncertain and I have no money. I've got everything I need to feel like the Queen of the World.

Fuck, I am so cheesey. Promise it won't happen again.