Now before I get started, I just wanted to say that I know that there are going to be some rumours about this. But I just want to make some things clear.
Yes, I did kiss David Copperfield last night...a few times. But he kept coming back for more!
Yes, I did grope and squeeze David Copperfield's bum last night. But he wanted it!
Yes, he and I did have a lovechild called Bambi (I saw the sonogram after all).
And yes, he acheived all of this by wooing me with chocolates, his picture, a single rose, a delicious cone of vanilla ice cream and a massive jar of pickles.
Unfortunately, he fucked off (magically disappeared) after that and all I am left with is this rose and his autographed picture. The status of our lovechild, Bambi, is yet to be determined. But Ross is kind of miffed that Mr. Copperfield beat him to it.
Sound all too magical to be true? It's not. Let me explain...
The other day, Ross surprised me with David Copperfield tickets. The famous magician/illusionist is in Vancouver at the moment and I jumped at the chance. We are always looking for fun and new things to do and I had never been to a magic show before...what better way to start than with the "Greatest Illusionist of All Time?"
After all, this was the man who made the Statue of Liberty disappear...and was engaged to Claudia Shiffer.
So we went to the performance, playing at the Center for Performing Arts downtown. We were kind of hungover to begin with, thanks to our wine and beer fest we had the night before while working on our new script. So, even though it was an early show (5PM) I wasn't too inclined to get dressed up...nor did I bother with hair or much makeup. After all, no one was going to pay attention to me...it's not like I was going on stage.
So we get to the theatre and yes, I do feel a bit underdressed (but ask my friends and they'll tell you that my "underdressing" is really dressing up for them), nonetheless I had on brown boots, brown skirt, brown tank and a VS red and purple striped sweater...totally didn't go together, but again, whatever.
I have a glass of wine before the performance and then Ross and I make our way to our seats. I am very impressed with his seat-picking. We were on the aisle, about 5 rows back from the stage. David Copperfield was going to be performing right in front of us!
The show started with a montage on how famous David Copperfield is...clips from The Tonight Show, Conan, movies and Friends (the episode where Chandler is upset that Janice put David Copperfield on her freebie list). It was entertaining...one of the clips had Conan O Brian doing his monologue.
Conan O Brian: David Copperfield has announced his newest magic stunt where he vows to get a girl pregnant onstage without touching her. They are calling the technique "The Tom Cruise."
I laughed at that, while at the same time wondering, how the hell could he do that?
Before I could think about it any further, the show started. Fog appeared, lights were shining, deep music boomed. An empty box was brought on stage by his black-clad assistants...let me emphasize EMPTY.
Then it was covered in a sheet, then the sheet was taken off to reveal...David Copperfield on a Harley Davidson!
Quite an entrance if you ask me and a great way to set the rest up the rest of the show.
David is actually a really great entertainer...part comedian, part vaudeville and part "how the fuck did he do that?"
So, Ross and I were watching the show intrigued but what he was doing with ducks and scorpians and cards and sheets of metal when Ross noticed one of the black-clad people kneeling beside his chair. She put a sticker on the floor next to him, gave him a "sorry" look and then fucked off.
Ross turned to me and whispered, "Um, I don't like where this is going."
I told him not to worry (he has a fear of being pulled on stage and embarassed, but who doesn't have this fear?), it was probably just a staging marker.
However, that all changed when Mr. Copperfield announced he wanted a female volunteer to be "impregnanted" by him on stage...right now.
Though there were a few hands up in the audience, he nevertheless walked down our aisle...followed by a camera...towards Ross and I....
But he kept on going up the aisle, past us, towards another female. I breathed out the biggest sigh of relief because for a second I thought he was coming for me. Sounds egotistical? Maybe, but knowing my luck...me in my mismatched outfit, me in my hungover, crap makeup state. Me in my, face turns red, I hyperventilate when singled out kind of self. Yes, it was one big sigh of relief.
Then he stopped at the end of the aisle...and walked back towards us.
He still hadn't chosen the girl yet.
Then I noticed the camera had stopped right in front of me and Ross. And was filming us.
OH SHIT, I thought and looked at Ross, terrified. This DIDN'T look good, after all.
Then David stopped right beside Ross, looked down at me, held out his hand for mine, and all I could think was "This fucking figures."
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, David Copperfield had chosen me, MOI, to be the girl to carry his child. What are the freakin' odds?
So there I am, camera in my face, David Copperfield leading me by the hand to the stage.
He puts his arm around me, pulls me close to him and whispers in my ear:
"Grab my butt."
Being a good pupil, and totally not ready to mess with the Man of Magic, I oblige, to the squeal of the audience.
"Grab it lower."
And so I do that as well. And I can't help but realize that poor Ross is watching his girlfriend grab David Copperfield's ass in front of thousands. And the funniest thing is that Ross thought I had grabbed his ass just cuz I felt like it. Tell me, who would do that, let alone me? Maybe George Clooney's ass, but I digress.
Where was I? Oh yes. The ass-grabbing. I let David lead me onstage and he puts me in a chair.
"Have we ever met before?" he asks me.
I don't remember my answer, I must have said no...but I was also laughing at the crazyness of it all. On the outside anyway. I was screaming on the inside, saying "WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING ONSTAGE WITH DAVID COPPERFIELD" and "GOOD LORD I HOPE I DONT REALLY GET PREGNANT."
He asked me a whole bunch of other things, but I don't remember because the bright lights were in my eyes and I thought I was in some trippy dream.
Then he hit Marvin Gay's "Let's Get It On", a huge burst of steamy smoke surrounded us and he attempted to woo me with a tricked out briefcase full of chocolates, flowers and such. And a really big cucumber...to which I, and everyone else, laughed at.
I could go on to say and then this happened and then this happened and then this happened...but the funny thing was, I don't remember much. As I said, I was kind of out of it, just smiling and laughing at whatever David said, trying to ignore the spotlight in my eyes and the fact that I was in my mismatched outfit in front of a crowd of 1,500 people. Oh, that he was trying to impregnate me.
Well after he produced another briefcase, this one with a false back which I'm not sure if I was supposed to see since he gave me this "look" with his eyes (if you aren't sure of the look, be sure to check out the parody of him on this Conan clip) which is how he was able to take out an 8 litre jar of pickles out of it...and a vanilla ice cream cone.
He gave me a cone and instructed me to lick it to make sure it was real...it was...and then told me to lick it again. Pervert.
He then asked who I had come here with.
"My boyfriend," I squeaked, "Though after this he will probably be an Ex."
He wiggled his brows at me, "I wouldn't worry about that. I'm on your freebie list."
Ahh, the classic Friends reference.
I wish I could explain what the actually trick was, but being onstage you kind of miss the whole picture. All I know was that I was rigged up to a sonogram machine, you could see this "child" on the screen, that two random girls were chosen to choose the name of the child (Bambi) and that this sealed card that had been placed at the front of the stage earlier was opened to reveal the name Bambi.
I don't know how he did that (nor how he did anything that night), but at one point I looked down at the "nurse" who was giving me the sonogram and she whispered "keep watching David"...so I dunno, perhaps if I was aware and had any idea of what was going on, I would have picked up on some secrets. Then again, probably not.
My bit ended shortly there after, and I was instructed to walk over to him, kiss him on the cheek and walk back. Of course, David, being the charmer he was, insisted I give him more than just one kiss. Many more.
Before I went off stage though, he gave me his autographed picture, and a single red rose. Child support though? Not so much.
I went back to my seat, blushing like hell, while Ross looked up at me adoringly. He gave me a proud hug and whispered, "You were great up there. It looked like you belonged...cool as a cucumber. Which he also gave you."
I'm glad I gave the impression that I knew what I was doing because inside my heart had been pounding a million times a minute, my chest felt tight, my breathing quick and my head was spinning.
But on with the rest of the show. It was stunning.
He made people disappear and reappear in Hawaii, he made himself and a girl disappear on this platform that was right above Ross and my head's...there was no way that could have been possible. He also made a Chevy car appear onstage with randomly selected (and they are in fact randomly selected, I am proof of that) people set all around, so there was no real way for that car to get on stage.
As his final act he made 13 memebers of the audience disappear and reappear at the other end of the theatre... that was pretty much physically impossible considering it happened very fast and I was watching them at ALL times. And I know that no secrets of where they went will be spilled because, they all had to sign confidentiality agreements not to reveal where they went or what happened. I found that out after with a little research...cuz Ross was thinking of hunting down the audience members and bribing them.
Anyways, that was my magical night of illusion with David Copperfield. Not only did I enjoy an AMAZING and MEZMERIZING show but I was actually part of the show as well.
Funny, isn't it?
One minute I'm complaining about the lack of opportunities in my life, the next minute I am fondling David Copperfield's bum.