Saturday, January 13, 2007

Carnage

Is how I would describe last night. And this post.

It was Ross's staff Xmas party (a little too late, or early, in the season for that but no matter). There were free drinks. And free food.


The drinks were sorely needed. It's often daunting to be around people who don't you at all but know your SO very well...it reminded me a lot of being around Ross's friends and family in Scotland.

Especially since the first thing Ross's boss said to me was, "So, when is the Big Day?"

At first I didn't know what he meant by that, so he repeated himself, making a gesture to my ring finger.

Oh brother.

Ross looked like he was suffering awkwardly so I quickly said to his boss, "You mean my birthday? Not for another 11 months."

"Nice save," Ross whispered in my ear and ushered me away from him. I commented on how drunk his boss must be. "No, he's always like that," Ross admitted.

I then met all of Ross's co-workers. They came up to me by saying, "Looove the photos of your trip." I smiled and thanked them and after the 10th time it happened it began to dawn on me: What photos?

"Oh," explained Ross, "I sent a link to our vacation photos around the office." The vacation photos in which I am either wasted, hungover or flashing various body parts in them.

Oh brother.

No wonder they were so nice to me.

Hours later, after we drank and ate our way through a $4000 bar tab, a group of us decided that we hadn't had enough (even though we already tried on each other's shoes and smelled each other's feet...ah, drunken hi-jinks).


We soldiered on to a bar up the street from my house where we proceeded to swoop in just as they were doing last call. We all got two drinks and two shots each. Carnage.


The DJ was soon replaced by a Piano Man. Ross went over to him to put in a request only to be ambushed by some drunk blonde chick (not I). She asked him where he was from and as soon as he said Scotland, her accent went from Canadian to full-tilt Scottish.

"My parents are from there," she cooed, patting his hand.

"But you were born in Canada..."

"That's right," she winked and her accent grew stronger, as did the arm-stroking.

Oh brother.

Ross looked over at me for help.

"That's my girlfriend over there," Karina get over here!,he pleaded with his eyes.

She gave me a distracted look and in the Queen's English combined with a Groundskeeper Willie accent she said, "Ever so pleased to meet you."

Then, as the piano man started to play Ross's request of Great Balls of Fire, she began to drag him towards the dance floor. He broke free of her and took me over to the dance floor instead. Take that, you fake accent charlatan.

The dance floor was empty but that didn't prevent Ross from dancing and spinning me around to Jerry Lee Lewis whilst singing at the top his lungs. My earlier goal of trying to get Ross drunk was complete.


After the song was done, and the other people in the quickly emptying bar grew tired of watching us make fools of ourselves, the Piano Man came over.

Because we were at a gay bar (most bars on my street are), he made a beeline for Ross and started fawning over his accent. Then Ross introduced me with a heavily emphasized "My GIRLFRIEND."

The Piano Man looked at Ross in disbelief, "This is your girlfriend? You are a handsome man but this woman is absolutely gorgeous."

Oh brother. I don't do flattery well.

Ross smiled proudly, "I know, I -"

"No you don't," the Piano Man quickly enjected.

"Of course I do, I tell her all the-"

"But you don't appreciate it."

"Of course I do-"

They continued on like this for several minutes while I contemplated making a dash for the door. The Piano Man turned to me and said, "Men say they know, but they don't know. He doesn't know." He jabbed his finger at Ross.

Ross rolled his eyes. I smiled politely and was about to defend him but the Piano Man continued.

"Sorry, I'm a bit emotional. My boyfriend recently broke up with me...he owns this bar."

"Awww," Ross and I said in unison and were about to offer condolences but he just carried on like before.

"I may be gay, but I should know. I know these things. You are too stunning. TOO stunning. You are going to have trouble in life because of your beauty. People will hate you. You should be a reporter. No, a reporter! On TV. You know you are gorgeous, right? Men don't know anything. Yes, a reporter. Do you watch CTV? What do you mean you don't watch the news? Men don't appreciate their women, I should know. You're going to be a reporter. You want to be on Lonely Planet? Listen, I know Ian Wright. He's an idiot. It's all about good camerawork... editing, yes that's it!Do you know who Tamara Taggert is? I know her. I know these things. You know that Backstreet Boys song 'you are my fire...' I wrote that."

Ross and I exchanged a look. Oh brother.

"Listen, I thank you for your kind words but-" I began.

"How many times a day does he tell you he loves you?"

I could sense in this crazy gay man's voice that he wanted me to say never, that he wanted Ross to fail and prove that he was right, that all men were stupid, unappreciative pigs. But I answered truthfully.

"A dozen times a day," I said, looking the Piano Man straight in the eye.

At that the Piano Man looked like he wanted to cry. He held out his arms and gave us both a group hug.

"You two will make it," he cried out and then disappeared behind the bar.

Absolute carnage.

He wrote "I want it that way?"

18 comments:

Kass said...

I feel hungover just reading this post. Blah.

almost famous kiwi said...

We all know that i wrote "I want it that way" I was inspired whilst ordering at Subway and the lyrics flowed from there.

Talking about lyrics, did you guys hear how Beyonce lied to her japanese Audience by saying that she wrote "Irreplacable" when in all actuality it was written by someone else.

almost famous kiwi said...

I finally updated my blog

Steph said...

Oh how i heart drunken ramblings.

M said...

she began to drag him towards the dance floor. He broke free of her and took me over to the dance floor instead.

But I answered truthfully.

"A dozen times a day," I said, looking the Piano Man straight in the eye.


Ross is a real keeper! <3<3

halfmanhalfbeer said...

Wanderlust: piano man was right, you are gorgeous, and your blog is pretty good too! Glad I have stumbled across this, I'll be checking back.

HMHB

Anonymous said...

Great post. I have found it difficult to access blogs at the mo... (is it a google thing?).

Anyway the quote of the week is SO true. I spent 4 weeks in the outback of Aus with a mate, living in a Landcruiser camper..

I did not think Aussies and Poms could be so culturally different!

Close the F*&^N door mate to stop the flies and mossies!!!( if i said it once, i said it 1000 times)

:o) ( despite that... he is still a good mate)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh.

That gay guy was hysterical.

I mean, I feel your pain... but, wow. Loved the post. :)

Anonymous said...

haha awww you guys are too cute!!!

Expat Traveler said...

great story! That's such a funny ending!

Anonymous said...

I love your stories and photo journeys...it is my daily soap LOL
P.S Don't tell anyone :)

Anonymous said...

looks like a good night! thanks for coming and visiting my blog. we do seem to have a lot in common! i get the whole 'marriage' question a lot with my boyfriend. people are obsessed!! haha.

Anonymous said...

Listing sexual excapades as an interest in your profile and always being drunk could make some people think you're just a trashy bitch.

jeff and ross said...

(Ross)
Then I guess it's just as well that some people's thoughts are of little interest to most.

Wanderlusting said...

Luckily, being a trashy bitch is just part of my appeal...

Nice try.

Vegas Princess said...

Talk about getting attacked by weird people all night. First the fake accent girl then the panicked gay song writer...I hope you went home after that and stayed away from any more drunk crazies. Except yourselves.

'From an Innocent By-Stander' said...

I don't know why I still feel the need to defend myself?! Karina I actually LIKE reading your blog. I'm sorry if you think that it's still me leaving you nasty notes on your space, but it truely is not. I'm glad you guys had a fun time on your holiday and I loved looking at the pictures. I can't wait to hear about the rest of it. Take care, hopefully one day you will realize that I really do have better things in life then to leave you nasty comments. Unfortunately, some people can be idiots.

Wanderlusting said...

Dear Innocent Bystander -

I know it's not you, I never said it was. I was merely making a point that it has happened before, yes by you once but also by some person I don't even know (shout out to craig and his wife)...and I know I seem to attract it. I know you don't wish any ill will towards me or Ross. I don't why this happens but it's all part of having a public blog and blogging and not everyone is going to like it for whatever reason. Which is fine by me, as Indy says, he envies having hate comments hehe.

Regardless, I am sorry if you thought it was a jab at you, it's not. That's all bygones in that respect and again, the only reason I brought it up was to show that this has already happened. I don't know who did the last one, though I do know a few things about it, but I know you aren't involved. Like you said, some people are and can be idiots and I know you aren't one of them.