Times they are a changing

It's nearing the end of this particular time of my life...

I am on the last "official week" of my schooling, which mean buckling down and doing a whole bunch of projects at the last minute.

Today I completed my Entertainment Law course (and found out that while I rock at doing script clearances, my notion of music rights is ridiculous...synch rights, publishing rights...whatever, apparently I'm terrible at math).

Tomorrow I have my last marketing class (complete with presentation on a project that I've barely touched on).

Wednesday I have my Film and TV finance final exam AND group project as well (let me just say, never do a co-production with the UK).

Thursday I have my distribution project due and that's gonna kick my ass cuz I haven't started and it involves setting up my own fake distributing company and creating a cash flow over three years...cash flow? I told you I was bad at math!

Saturday I've got my production management final exam (which will be a joke and we will all fail miserably) plus our project and on Sunday I have my EP Scheduling and Budgeting exam.

I know that probably sounds like a lot of nonsense to the lot of you, but I think you get the idea that I'm a busy girl.

THEN next monday, it's the first day of my internship. This I am super-excited about...though I'm not a fan of TV, I know that I will learn a lot (and am so glad to be in the development department) and I am just dying to earn money. Of course, this is just a two-week unpaid internship but I know that if I work my ass off, it will pay off. No more boring jobs for me! And luckily, because Vancouver is the 3rd largest film center in North America (right behind New York), there are tons of production companies to weasel my way into.

But these aren't the only changes.

Tomorrow it's the Rockstars and I's nine month anniversary...

Next Monday it's his 25th Birthday....

On the 14th JOSH returns to live with me in my studio again. Which was to be just temporary until he finds a place BUT....

As you may or may not know, I am selling my wee apartment. You know all the reasons why.

Anyhoo, as soon as employment is secured (end of April) so I can get a new mortgage, I am buying a one-bedroom plus den in the same neighbourhood.

It's going to be a dream come true to actually own a BIGGER AND BETTER place to call my own. The concept of a bedroom, let alone a den, is amazing...hell, I'm excited to have a door! And more walls for my art! And a bigger closet!

Best part of it all is, because Josh is coming back on his working visa (you may remember he moved to Van from New Zealand, moved back to New Zealand in January and decided he missed Vancouver so much that he is coming back in two weeks) he's going to be living in my den. I'll make sure that the room is big enough for a bed, but basically, I'm gonna have a roomate until November-ish.

Now, normally I would have balked at this before, since I am a very solitary person. But to be honest, when Josh lived with me in my studio last year for a month, it was a hell of a lot of fun and I don't see anyone else I would get along better with - other than my Rockstar, but of course, come November, he may just be my next roomate :P

Huzzah for the next couple of months! New job, new script, new home...new outlook on life.

I Love You Guys!

All you blog people make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

As such, I'm giving you a link to all the stuff I am currently selling on Ebay (yup, got the idea from KarinaXOXO).

I mean, all these shoes I keep buying, I have to pay for them SOMEHOW!

So take a look HERE (will be adding more stuff next week) - You will notice that those fab Ugg Shoes are being let go at a REAL bargain (they were just a bit too unstable for my funky feet), so snap them up while you can.

AND if you win an item, as a special gift to you I will throw in either this snazzy leather-like stretchy red belt with metal clasps (size Medium) or patterend olive and white H&M shirt (purchased in Norway, never worn, size small) FOR FREE. It's your choice, while quantities last.

You're so vain?

I am not sure if you all had read my last blog post or not, but basically I talked about how I was born with the physical birth defect of having club feet. The way my feet are and look have been a cross to bear my whole entire life and it is only now that I am coming to terms with it.

Which is why I thought "Kiki"s comment on my last post was a bit...callous:

"To be honest, everything you have mentioned here cannot be classified as 'flaws;' but rather display a much greater flaw: Vanity"

I am actually amazed that someone would take my honest and heartfelt post about a BIRTH DEFECT and try and turn it against me. To try and make me feel even worse about myself and point out the fact that I have GREATER flaws than my feet. What's next? Making fun of the mentally disabled for worrying that they aren't smart enough?

Notice I said TRY, though.

Because a careless remark like that does not shed anymore light on me than it does on the person that left it.

Am I vain? FUCK YES I AM!

But I am vain for many different reasons and NOT my feet. Vanity to me implies worry about something that doesn't always need worry. Believe me, I worry about many a thing that probably doesn't deserve it.

For example, a person who thinks her profile is ugly and is always inspecting it in passing reflections may be considered vain. Is she wrong? A bad person? No, not at all, because we are ALL vain at heart. But her profile probably doesn't affect her daily life. It probably doesn't physically stop her from doing things, doesn't cause people to stare and hasn't caused her grief her whole life (btw I think my profile is awesome...though I'm sure that's vain too).

Now lets say this girl was born with an abnormaly large nose...a profile that would make people stop and stare, or perhaps she doesn't even have a nose.

Now she has a valid reason to be worried, to be "vain" if you will. But suddenly, THAT has become her biggest flaw?

The fact that I have had peers be so cruel to me over the grotesque appearance of my feet that I have had to switch schools? The fact that various gym teachers have tried to humiliate me over the fact that I can't do certain sports, that I run a certain way? Until you have been in my supportive shoes, you can't possibly begin to understand where my "vanity" comes from.

I could go on and on, but the point of my post is that I have finally accepted the state of my feet, and by doing that, the state of myself.

The "vanity" that may seem to come with it is worth it and I will never view it as a flaw. I have 26 years behind me of caring how I measure up to others, but I am done now. Your comment, Kiki, whether you meant it as inconsiderate as it sounds or were going for something different (and obviously missed the mark with me) is no different from the comments I recieved from heartless 13-year old brats who made fun of my disability, and I am proud to say I am done caring about what anyone else thinks about my so-called "flaws."

PS - Now since the comment was left following other comments that were supportive and happy for my coming-to-terms with my problem, I have taken the comment to be condescending and patronizing. I really don't see how I can take it any other way. I'm not usually one to get defensive but when it comes to something dear to me, and this is about as close as it gets, then I'm gonna stand-up for myself. I don't care who you are.



(My feet in their internet debut. This isn't easy for me when I have tried to hide them my whole life, but it's kinda liberating to put them out there and say, yup I'm far from perfect, like it or lump it)

Feet First

We all have our flaws.

I have a lot of them.

A LOT Of them.

Somehow, I manage to make most of them work though, or I'm adept at covering them up.

For example, for my horrendous undereye circles, I have to slather on industrial strength concealer (Amazing Cosmetics and Dermablend make...amazing...ones). Here's a new tip if you suffer from them too - a very sheer dab of orangey red lipstick on top of your bluest part works wonders. That's right, RED. I saw this tip in Shape magazine and it does work - orange/red counteracts blue, just make sure it's a sheer amount and that you use a yellow-based concealer (a shade lighter than your skintone) on top.

For my flat hair, I used bodyfying shampoo and try and keep conditioner only on the ends (though after Hawaiian surf, I'm slathering it everywhere...also contemplating cutting my hair above my shoulders for summer....). I also blow-dry my roots with my head upside down.

I'm not going to delve too much into my secrets or my flaws, because why on earth would I expose what I am trying to hide.

But one thing that I am coming to terms with - my biggest flaw - is my feet.

As you may know (I've blogged about this before), I was born with club feet and after 6 years of casts on them, they are finally normalesque. I mean, they work like feet, look like feet, point in the right direction etc.

But they are ugly motherfuckers. My heels are heavily calloused because I walk heel first, I can't stand on my toes (ligiments too tight), my ankle bones jut out because...actually, I'm not sure why that is, and I have horrible scars on the insides of my leg running from my arch to just past the ankles. Apparently, this is where they repeatedly cut my feet open and replaced all the bones. With what, I am not sure - my feet have never set off any metal detectors...

So, because of having this FLAW my whole entire life, I have made some sacrifices.

I don't ever show my feet - EVER. Boots are my best friends. I can't wear pretty, sexy stiletto heels. Going to the beach is a nightmare. Etc.

But, honestly, this all sucks and I am getting pretty sick of it. I wanna be able to wear a breezy summer dress without having to cover up with boots or a pair of socks (now I actually would wear boots even if I didn't have foot problems because I love the look of them, but in the dead of summer, it's a no-no).

So, over the past two years, I've come to a sort of compromise. I've been able to wear breezy dresses and still have cute shoes, without feeling like people are judging me because of some ugly scars...


Behold: Gladiator sandals!



Espadrilles!

OK, maybe one day I'll be brave enough, and not give a shit enough about what people think, to go wearing any shoe I damn well please. But when I am trying to look pretty - say wearing a nice dress - I'd rather not my ugly feet ruin the whole look. And then you get the pitying stares and glances and though I was subjected to a lot of it recently in Hawaii (I wasn't about to wear espadrilles on the beach), it something I like to avoid if possible.

Which is why I welcome the above shoes. They are stylish (in my opinion) funky and most of all, they let me feel pretty. And that is something that is priceless.

Which is a good thing, considering my latest purchases are these UGG Espadrilles with sooo fluffy sheepskin soles. Feels like you are walking barefoot on a sheepskin rug:



These way cool, gladiator-themed, leather Jeffrey Campbell sandals - with tie-up ankle cuff that happens to be so IN this year - that look so buttery and rich, that I can't wait to pair them with a really delicate dress (available from Urban Outfitters):


And, most recently, the creme de la creme....Christian Louboutin sandals (as seen on Carmen Electra):




Now I know these last ones are some pretty pricey shoes...but I figure, for someone like me who has been dreaming about having wonderful designer shoes all her life but knowing she could never wear them, this will actually make me look forward to showing off my feet all summer.

And that's flawless.

PS - Keeping with the whole no-bitterness theme I'm trying to get going on in my life, I must share some heartening information with you.

You see, I wrote this post the other day and afterwards, I decided to read up online about this disability that has truly disabled me from doing many things with my life.

Well you know what? I'm pretty damn lucky. After perusing the message boards I have learned the following:

-1 in 1,000 people in North America and the UK are born with club feet (50% have it in both feet, like I did)

-The majority of people seem to be in pain every single day, so much that they discuss the best painkillers to take. They have it regardless of what activities they do and it spreads from the feet all the way to the knees. Most can only wear special orthopedic shoes. I ONLY get pain if I walk for 8 hours a day, or stand around a lot or wear really nasty shoes. And even then, I have never once popped a painkiller for it.

-A lot of people are teased for the way they walk, as they limp around. Now, I WAS teased when I was young but I corrected the way I walked, all by myself. Now, my walk is still unusual as my hips are quite relaxed - it's been compared to Marilyn Monroe's wiggle walk - but people just think I'm trying to be sexy or something, they don't think I've got something wrong with me. Somedays I do find I am limping though but I think that's usually the fault of bad shoes, injury or just waking up with stiff legs.

-A lot of people have other things wrong with them...hammer toes, missing toes, no heel (I have too much heel), so it makes me extremely grateful that I just have ugly scars.

-Famous people with club feet include: Troy Aikman, Mia Hamm, Kristi Yamaguchi, Damon Wayans, Dudley Moore ( a lot more sports players than actors - guess it shows the businesses that rely on vanity don't get it, but with sports, as long as you can play well, who cares).

All in all, after reading all this stuff, I realized that yes, compared to the rest of "normal" society, I do have a birth defect/disability. But compared to most people with said defect, I actually have it quite good. Yes, I have scars but I would rather take that over pain any day and I am grateful to God for keeping me pain-free and able all these years.

And I can wear really neat shoes sometimes.

Bitter Blonde Ale

I woke up on Sunday morning horribly hungover and in a resolute state of mind. My Sunday 845AM class was cancelled which was brilliant and allowed me to sleep in and snuggle with the Rockstar. We had been up till 430 AM, grabbing last minute food after his show at a local lounge - the first time I have been able to drink a lot and stay up late on a Saturday in months.

Anyhoo, due to my debauchary and my tendency to buy everyone shots when I'm drinking, I can't say I was very sober near the end. But I was bitter. Oh yes.

While munching (no, devouring) a late-night club sandwhich and sipping a caeser (yeah, not so wise at 3AM), I went on what must have been an hour long rant about life. Feeling bitter because of people my age who are successful while I'm not, complaining about my lack of funds (note: would have a lot more money if I didn't buy people shots) and bitching about Mik (remember her? Well she was at the show and completely SNUBBED me. I was totally expecting an in-your-face apology from her since she seemed so "sorry" about it on Facebook but she just ignored me, that stupid cunt). Anyway, my poor but wonderfully patient bf had to listen to all of it and then gave me his advice (which is always right).

I don't remember what his advice is though, maybe it coincides with the following, but I woke up on Sunday morning thinking: Why the hell am I so bitter all the time?

And thus I have started to shuck the bitterness aside and start being happy. Be happy FOR people, stop comparing myself and my journey to everyone elses and concentrate on how I can appreciate what I have, right here, right now.

OK, easier said than done, but it's a start. Plus I read a review about an interesting book, Complaint Free World, the 21-day challenge by Will Bowen. Basically you wear a purple bracelet for 21-days and every time you complain, you move your bracelet to the other wrist and start all over again.

Ugh. Don't think I could make it, but I think the point - replacing negative thoughts with positive ones - is a great thing.

See? I'm on a roll already :)

It could only happen to ME...

That's my name, don't wear it out:)

So, I was supposed to have an exciting day. I had an interview for an internship with one of Canada's largest TV production companies that makes programs for Discovery, Travel Network, Movie Central, CBC etc. That was supposed to be the excitement of the day.

Well the internship went well. I got it. I will be in the development office, reading and critiquing scripts that come in, coming up with ideas for shows (and, apparently, seriously pitching it to a broadcaster) and researching documentaries. Stuff like that. Stuff that's exciting and fun and that I would be really, really good at.

Now there is no promise of securing a full-time position afterwards but I think if I could work really hard, I may be able to pull it off or at least get a glowing recommendation from them as I pursue development with other companies (luckily in Vancouver, there are tons of production companies about).

So I am super duper excited about that.

Another cool thing comes on the heels of feeling low about myself for the last wee while. You see, I started questioning whether I am really supposed to be a writer. What if I only think I can write but I really can't and no one is telling me so? What if I have been kidding myself all these years? What if the talent that I hope I have is missing, or was never there to begin with?

Then I started wondering if I should bother writing my scripts to begin with. If only someone in the industry could read them and TELL ME that I have talent. Or that I suck and should just forget it. Accept that I won't be a writer and move on.

Well, in Hawaii, I got an email from one of the agencies I submitted my script to. They aren't interested. They read it and, well, that's that. They never told me why, just that they decided to pass on taking me on as a client. I took that really, really hard. One rejection to me meant that they would all reject me. And if I couldn't be a writer, who was I? What was I good at? Oh the mysteries of life.

Then today, I got a simple email back from a well-known producer who had read my script. She said:

I have read your script and enjoyed very much, however, it is not a project we are able to pursue at this time. We are currently looking for scripts that fit into a lower budget category and since it takes place in various beautiful European settings, it unfortunately takes it out of the running for us at this time. Like I said, I really enjoyed it and think you are a very good writer. I would be happy to read more of your work, if you think you have something that fits within our current parameters. Please do send more along.

Gah! You hear that? I am a good writer! That's all I needed to know to continue my hard work and my dreams. Will it be easy? No. But now that I have encouragement to keep going, that it's not all a lost cause, that I'm not like half the dreamers on American Idol, I WILL keep going! Plus, I just sent off another one of my scripts to her (an arguably better one) so who knows?

But that's not even the BIG excitement of the day. The "it could only happen to me" type of thing.

Today I was supposed to pay my tuition for school (yeah, it's a tad late since school is over in a few weeks). Anyway, I was going to put it all on my Mastercard but had to go to the Bank of Montreal on Burrard st (this is downtown Vancouver) to pay down my card a little bit.

As I entered the bank, I noticed I was walking behind this man who gave me the creeps, right off he bat. He had baggy, paint-splattered jeans, a black baseball cap, dark wrap around shades, long frazzled and dirty grey hair and beard.

And a big coat in which he kept his hands in both front pockets. It looked like he had something...pointy...in them.

So as we are walking to line up at the teller, I notice two security gaurds glance at him suspiciously. Already, I was suspicious.

We went through the maze of poles to the front of the line. I was right behind him. And suddenly I knew that he was here to rob the bank and I was going to be stuck in the middle of it.

Maybe I should leave, I thought. I was directly behind him, I could quickly run out. But I decided to stay. Because I had never been witness to a bank robbery before.

I thought maybe I was just paranoid too, but I knew. Enough that I opened my phone and began to text "I'm at the BMO on Burrard and I think it's going to get held up" to my bf. But before I could finish it, I was next in line. And the teller I was called to was directly beside the man.

As I walked up to my teller, I noticed the sketchy man passed his teller a slip of paper. I knew what was written on that paper. Give me all your money or I'll blow this place up or shoot you all or whatever.

So I nervously made conversation with my bank teller, while we both nervously kept glancing over at the other "transaction" that was taking place.

Now, we were talking for a long time and I was counting cash at some point, so I never saw the robber leave or get handed his demanded money.

But I did see the bank teller in tears, another teller phoning the police, the management show up and announce the bank was closing. And I managed to get out there just as the cops showed up and before it was all in lockdown. Hell, I couldn't stay for the show, I had an interview to go to!

My first bank robbery, Canadian style. No guns, no hostages, no "everybody get down on the ground!" Just a piece of paper calmly handed over while everyone else (except for me) remains oblivious.

So that was my day. And it's not even over yet :)

How to: get out of bed in the morning

Sure, it's easy when every morning you are faced with the above staring you in the face. Whilst in Maui, the Rockstar and I were waking up naturally, without an alarm, at about 730-8AM every day. There was something invigorating about hearing birdsong through the windows, the naturally bright light filling the room and the prospect of having my kona coffee and guava-strawberry slathered bagel outside on the sun-drenched balcony overlooking the ocean.

But now that I am back in the "real" world, I just can't get up! This is nothing new, I've always had a tendency to sleep in. But I'm tired of it, for lack of a better word.

Of course, if I had a job and were waking up to my alarm at 730 AM everyday, I wouldn't be sleeping in. But aside from rising (super) early on Saturdays and Sundays, my school is in the evening on weekdays. So there is no real need for me to get up at a certain time.

And yet there is! I have so much work to do, everyday is packed full (especially this week) of homework, projects, script stuff, etc that I really can't afford to sleep in.

But I do it anyway.

Why? Mainly because I'm tired....but why am I so tired? I get 8 hours of sleep....I'm tired even if I get ten hours of sleep. How come in Hawaii, I was up and at them and raring to go, regardless of how well I slept? Why did I have energy there and not here? It's only been a week, not even, since I got back!

One reason could be a day like today. It's dark, raining and miserable. This is Vancouver. It's often this way and I need to find out a way to get up and face the day, no matter how crappy it is. I mean, I am writing this right now, at noon, and all I can think about is how badly I want to go back to bed. WHY???????

So, I am totally open to suggestions here...how do you manage to get up out of bed and get started (especially you people who get up earlier than they should)? How can I look forward to my day? Remember, I don't have class till 630PM and while I do have to spend at least half of my day doing school stuff, there is another half in which I just sleep or sit around on my ass and look at that wretched Facebook and gossip sites.

I've read on Maddie's wonderful Vancouver blog that she gets herself up with promises of breakfast treats. I've been doing that too....Kona coffee, mango slices and waffles with guava jelly (not as good as my Hawaiin breakfasts but it'll do). But I want to be eating this at 9AM, not 11AM. I want to do things that will get me out of the house (and not cost money, since I have none). I even planned on this today, to walk to the gym, but I didn't because it was "raining" out and so I went back to sleep. I am officially my own worst enemy here, sabotaging any good intention that I have.

Is it laziness? Tiredness? Procrastination? How do I overcome this and where do I start?

Sunset Tiki Punch

So, my trip to Maui seems like a distant memory thanks to impending money troubles, intense school projects and my usual quarter-life crisis and self-introspection.

Thankfully, I've found a way to try and ease my troubles and bring some of those carefree balmy breezes back into my life. No, the solution is not at the bottom of a glass, but I guarantee you'll feel better by the time you get there.

Perfect for rewarding yourself for surviving monday, behold my Sunset Tiki Punch:

1 shot dark rum
1 shot Malibu Passionfruit rum
1/2 shot of grenadine syrup
1 1/2 cups of Guava juice
A splash of orange juice to top it off

Put igredients into a mixer with ice. Shake, pour into funky glass, add a pinapple triangle and an umbrella. Drink. Sigh.

Talk about a classy entrance...

I'm back! And so is my butt.

Maui was amazing and it feels like I've been gone forever...I'm having a hard time getting into the swing of things, including blogging. So until I feel armed and ready to enter the blogosphere, I'll leave you with a picture of my boogie boarding attempts and a link to HERE where you can look at some mouth-watering pictures of Maui on my travel blog (don't worry, it's pictures of food, no more near-nudity).