The first part of this post is a forwarded email I recieved from my "tres adult" friend AJ. The second part looks back on my Friday night last week. Both parts contradict each other. Perfect.
The 25 Signs That You Have Become An Adult
25. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
- Um, no. I don’t have plants because I forget to water them. I have giant red tulips that just kicked the bucket, no matter what I did to save them. I guess it just wasn't mean to be. Can't smoke them either...I tried.
24. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
-Sex is never out of the question, twin bed be damned.
23. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
-True…but the food is old and moldy, so what does that mean?
22. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
-This is a half-truth. I sure as hell don’t get up at 6, but don’t usually go to bed at that time either. Though it did happen a few weeks ago.
21. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
-Cuz I just looove Micheal Bolton
20. You watch the Weather Channel.
-Hey! I’ve always watched the weather channel, even at age 15. I like to know things. Sadly, you don’t know much because they are always wrong. Why does 40% chance of rain always mean rain?
19. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
-Friend who sent me this is getting married. All others still hook up and break up. But that just might mean that my friends aren’t adults yet… and neither am I.
18. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
-And how it sucks. But atleast I get paid for my vacations now...
17. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
-They never have. Though, since the dress code at my office is casual, I have been wearing jeans and sweaters a lot. Interesting. The CEO of my company wore jeans and a hoodie to the office today, so...
16. You're the one calling the police because those %&@.. kids next door
won't turn down the stereo.
-I’ve always been this person. And even in my own home, I am constantly turning down my stereo to be mindful of the neighbours. But at someone else’s party? Up the volume goes! They aren't MY neighrbours. Wooot.
15. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
-Ewwwwwww. NO. That is NEVER OK.
14. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
-Mmmm. Taco Bell.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
-Car insurance is as bloody expensive as always. And I don’t even have car payments because it’s paid off in full, so that must make me a Super Adult! But it's a Neon.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
-I’m not adult enough to have a dog. See question #1.
11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
-My couch was also my bed for 6 months…it’s a super comfy Ikea sofa bed. So, no, it doesn’t make my back hurt.
10. You take naps.
-I started as an infant and haven’t stopped since.
9. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
-What? What kind of date extends beyond a dinner AND a movie?
8. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
-Everything upsets my stomach, but after a few pints I think it would definitely settle it. Or at least sober me up.
7. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and
-WHAT? So, being more of an adult means you DON’T deal with pregnancy and safe sex? Who made this shit up? Personally, I think you go to the store to buy pregnancy tests, condoms AND ibuprofen and antacid to deal with the stress of thinking you are pregnant.
6. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
-There are $4.00 bottles of wine out there??? That IS pretty good shit!
5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
-Sure beats eating seafood linguine, caeser salad and a crème brule at breakfast, doesn’t it? Sheesh.
4. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to
drink that much again."
-I use both. What does that make me?
3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
2. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"
-How about, “Congratulations, you’ve fucked up your life”?
And the number one sign you are getting old is:
1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.
HA! Apparently not so old yet, my friend.
Then the opposite happened.
Last Friday, Leanne and I headed out to Commercial Drive for Kass's Bday dinner. She and her crew was SUPPOSED to follow us on to Crush nightclub but fate intervined and caused all cabs to ignore her. That was just as well, because....
Well, I had been to Crush before, and remembered that it was a swanky joint, a "champagne lounge" as it is billed.
Problem was, I went there when I was 21 years old. And guess what? Everyone there was STILL 21!
Scantily-clad and insecure girls tottered through the club on spindly heels, looking for guys to give them attention. The guys were giving them attention, young horndogs as they were. It was just one big, fake show, a venue for the young and horny to showcase their "talents" and feel validated.
Leanne and I sat in our lounge seats and literally did not move for the whole night.
"Boy, do I feel old," Leanne said in between sips of our high-school retro Bacardi Breezers. "What are we, like 30?"
It was true. We were definitely the oldest there. Guys didn't even approach us, not that we even looked remotely approachable as we lounged back in our chairs and surveyed the scene in amusement. Funny thing was, if we were 21, I would have been crushed by this lack of attention. But now we just found the whole thing to be funny. We were able to walk out of that place with our self-steem still intact.
Not that we didn't try to fit in and act like attention whores....
But alas, in the end, the only attention we got was from a fellow Oldie.
Bald and British, this nutritionist from Leeds was the oldest guy in the place and took solace in two little old ladies like ourselves. I think when our conversation turned from the clubbing scene to what vitamins we were taking and how were our careers working out for us, that we knew...it was time to go.
Plus it was getting late and we needed to get our required eight hours.