Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Don't mention the war

Last week I had the notion to invite my new neighbours over. Remember Stephanie, the one whom I got the massage from? Yes, her.

I sent her a text and invited her and her fiance down to my studio on Friday night. Nothing fancy, just some wine and cheese kinda thing.

She sounded excited but at the end of her text said:

"I forgot to mention that Cayden is my girlfriend. It's a guys name and for professional reasons I don't like to correct people when they assume I am straight. I am so sorry."

Immediately, my first thought was, "That is so sad that she feels that she has to apologize for being a lesbian. Why would I care?"

I told her no problem and said, "I would love to have you gals over."

Right here, at that gals remark, you will probably figure that I have very poor lesbian etiquette. Truth be told, I've never had any lesbian friends - even though it's about time - and wasn't really sure how to act. I didn't want to appear uncouth, uncomfortable or unkosher.

At any rate, I invited the "gals" over.

As Friday night approached, I invited Ross too.

Normally, if I invite Ross to come over and meet new people, he has to be convinced a little.

But spending the night with me and my lesbian neighbours sounded A-OK in his books. At the time, I was slightly surprised at how willing he was to meet new people.

Then the night came and my friend Leanne found herself with no place to party. I invited her over to mine. Why not, right? The more the merrier.

So after my bootcamp, I went home and Leanne showed up with a bottle of wine.

"I've never hung out with lesbians before," she admitted, opening the first bottle.

"Me neither," I said sheepishly.

"Are we making this into a big deal?" she asked.

"I don't know. I guess we have to act like we have tons of lesbian friends. But don't act too weird. I don't want to make them uncomfortable."

Ross showed up awhile later, not knowing that Leanne was over. He cracked open a beer and looked quite satisfied.

"What?" I eyed him suspiciously.

He grinned, "Where are the lesbians?"

"You are loving this aren't you?!"

"Of course! I am never going to stop talking about the night with you, Leanne and the lesbians. This is every man's dream."

It figured.

The three of us sat around, waiting for a text from Stephanie to let us know she was on her way.

"I've never hung out with lesbians before," Ross said, a gleam in his eye.

"Let's hope we don't say the wrong thing," Leanne remarked.

"It's like, 'Don't mention the war!'" I said, reaching for another bottle of wine.

For those of you who don't know the hilarity behind that line, then there is no use explaining it. All I will do is recommend you go and download the "Germans" episode of Fawlty Towers.

By the time Stephanie and her fiance Cayden arrived, the three of us were quite tanked. I suppose we were just all so nervous that we kept drinking and drinking. So much so that even Ross, who hates wine, was "enjoying" a glass, while we anxiously eyed the door, waiting for the party to start.

Luckily the conversation flowed like wine. Stephanie was such a cutie and Cayden was way cool. Like Angeline Jolie in boy's clothes. Either way, we drank and talked and laughed. We were all really enjoying each other's company.

Then I ruined it.

As we talked, all I could think about was "don't mention the lesbians, don't mention the lesbians, don't mention the lesbians."

So when Cayden started talking about partying and having wild, drunken nights in the town of Ucluelet (pronounced U-Cue-Lit), all I could say was:

"I love U-Clit!"

Ross started snickering behind me. Leanne hid her smile behind her wine glass. The poor girls were looking at me like I had a stick up my bum.

I pretended that I pronounced it correctly and said it again.

"I always go down to U-Clit....erm...I like visting U-Clit. Damn it! U-Cue-Lit. Yeah."

I think that sort of set the tone for the evening. Luckily, Steph and Cayden didn't see anything too wrong with my wording...and yes I pronounced it wrong again later, much to the stealthy giggles of Ross and Leanne.

We ended our lovely evening when we tried to get into a pricey gay bar, but had to say no because we didn't have the money and it was a 1/2 hour till closing.

All I could say was Thank God.

Seeing the herd of noisy drag queens that went in there, I shudder to think of how else I could have stuck my big foot in my mouth. Can you imagine?

Drag Queen: "Cripes, this bar is closing too damn early."

Me: "Yeah. What a drag."


Indiana said...

""I love U-Clit!""

Sounds like the mantra given in self help therapy for a woman who has self-hate issues. ~lol~

surfercam said...

Yes I can completely understand why Ross was so excited.
Wish I was there....

Del said...

That is gold! At least you could all laugh about it.
So will you be hanging out with your new lesiban friends again. Hopefully after the first meeting the awkardness will be gone.

Peter DeWolf said...

I was way more excited by the mention of Fawlty Towers than lesbians...

Could I be maturing?

And I think that was the best episode!

WiscoBlonde said...

Hahaha. I laughed out loud reading this one!

Scorpy said...

Very funny lol btw U-Clit is my favourite place next to Phuket ;)

Phil said...

Hee, the golden foot award to you!

Tasha said...

That is so funny! Especially that last line. It's cool though that the lesbians were not bothered by your comment. It's always funny that when we're trying so hard to avoid a topic or subject, it just ends up accidently coming out anyway. It's happened to me plenty of times.

Markbnj said...

Oh Lusty... You are so so sneaky.
You led us on in the previous post, discussing your nite with ross and the ["excuse me here" 'lesbo's]

and then it becomes such a cute and proper post.
YOU KNOW (don't you) whatRoss was hoping for?

If you're not sure, [and apologies to Ross in advance, but like me he's an EX-teenaged boy too!]

Here's a link on what men expect:
You see? you have to READ it to be on topp!!


Rachel said...

that is by far my favourite Falty Towers episode! love it!

when my lesbian friend hadn't come out yet, (but only a select few of us knew) i couldn't help but keep bringing up 'games' to play at parties like 'if i were a lesbian who would i..' I just couldn't keep my darn mouth shut!

Steven Novak said...

Just wine and cheese, huh? ;)


Sipwine said...

Hahaha Oh my, Ross sounds exactly like Matt in that situation. Matt doesn't like wine, but I could see him drinking it if a bunch of lesbians were around.

I laughed out loud in my office at this post.

Dan said...

What a drag indeed! :)

This was a very funny post. Sometimes we just have to let it all hang out and suffer the consequences I guess.

One question -- were the lesbians hot? Just teasing! Just teasing.

(Were they?)

Cazzie!!! said...

LOL, so mnay things make me laugh here, "Lesbian etiquette"" I love uclit, pmsl...hahaha, just when you were TRYING sooo hard not to say the wrong thing...aint that just they way it is??

M said...

omg. HAHAHAHA, you dork! <3<3<3

I'm always fucking up in similar ways!

Steph said...

I have a grand total of TWO Leso friends, both from high school so i can tease them mercilessly with all the rug munching jokes one can muster.

I think if i were to make a new leso friend, yeah, it would be hard to be polite.
Don't mention the war indeed.

Eileen Dover said...

Oh, I think they probably had as much fun as you.

Sounds like something I would have done.

After one of my teacher's husbands suddenly died, everything I said was jokes about heart attacks and dying if something were to happen.

Of course, he died from a heart attack. Shhtoopid me.

Bahman said...

hi! really nice blog!
let's link to each other's blog, do you agree?

Charm School Reject said...

Oh hilarious. I love shoving my foot in my mouth. My problem is that I have a gay brother who is perfectly fine with gay jokes, etc. so then I either, a) make said gay jokes in front of other gay guys who get pissed or, b) make gay jokes to gay guys who get pissed. That being said, most of my brothers friends are prissy bitches anyway and aren't nearly as "cool" with it as most other gay guys I've met. I don't know any lesbians (just a bi-girls but I don't think they count) so I can't help you out with this one.

Any problems with gay guys and I'm your girl. haha

Memphis Steve said...

I have a herd of lesbian friends. They weren't lesbians when we first became friends, though. They decided to cross over later. Now it seems all I have are lesbian friends. I don't know what the next fashion trend in sex is going to be, but I'm dreading it. I'm only just now getting used to the idea that all my old friends are new lesbians.

Wanderlusting said...

Indiana - Women everywhere will be screaming it.

Surfercam - Yeah you do:)

Del - Perhaps. I don't know if we had all that much in common in the end. Nice to know the neighbours but I don't think it will be a weekly occurrance.

Peter - You are definitely maturing. There are SO many things I love about that episode.

"Oooh, he hit me."
"No, you hit him. You naughty moose!"

Wisco - Yay! I laughed too.

Scorpy - Both are very beautiful, indeed

Phil - Awww, an award for me? So many people to thank...

Tasha - I don't think they were bothered, I don't actually know if they got the joke...probably just think there is something wrong with me in general

Markbnj - Oh I know what Ross expected. Sadly, no one was up for a pillow fight in our undies...except for Leanne but we often do that.

Rachel - Best show ever!
AND I almost slipped up again.

She is a masseuse right and had mentioned that she was working later than normal. With a client. Most likely female When she said that I kind of gave her a wink, like "ooooh, what exactly were you giving her." Um, then realized she may have thought I was making fun of her. Or coming on to her!

Steve - I was going request a massage from her but we never got to that...

Sipwine - Haha yeah suddenly "oooh this reisling is such a good vintage, mmmm"

Dan - Yes. And I know you aren't joking ;)

Cazzie - I was trying so hard to act normal like I didn't say anything...I wanted to pmsl!

M- Sometimes I am a rampant's so true.

Steph- Yeah that's the thing, I don;t know them enough (or at all) to know if I can joke about those kind of things. And honestly, one sounded a bit moody and on edge...

Eileen- Oh, I would sooo do the same thing!

Bahman -Thanks! That's not really how I work but I'll check back to your blog in a bit, when you've written more :D

Charm - Ha, well I will know now to give you a call!

Memphis - You and a herd of lesbians. I'm sorry but your situation sounds quite good ;)