Don't mention the war

Last week I had the notion to invite my new neighbours over. Remember Stephanie, the one whom I got the massage from? Yes, her.

I sent her a text and invited her and her fiance down to my studio on Friday night. Nothing fancy, just some wine and cheese kinda thing.

She sounded excited but at the end of her text said:

"I forgot to mention that Cayden is my girlfriend. It's a guys name and for professional reasons I don't like to correct people when they assume I am straight. I am so sorry."

Immediately, my first thought was, "That is so sad that she feels that she has to apologize for being a lesbian. Why would I care?"

I told her no problem and said, "I would love to have you gals over."

Right here, at that gals remark, you will probably figure that I have very poor lesbian etiquette. Truth be told, I've never had any lesbian friends - even though it's about time - and wasn't really sure how to act. I didn't want to appear uncouth, uncomfortable or unkosher.

At any rate, I invited the "gals" over.

As Friday night approached, I invited Ross too.

Normally, if I invite Ross to come over and meet new people, he has to be convinced a little.

But spending the night with me and my lesbian neighbours sounded A-OK in his books. At the time, I was slightly surprised at how willing he was to meet new people.

Then the night came and my friend Leanne found herself with no place to party. I invited her over to mine. Why not, right? The more the merrier.

So after my bootcamp, I went home and Leanne showed up with a bottle of wine.

"I've never hung out with lesbians before," she admitted, opening the first bottle.

"Me neither," I said sheepishly.

"Are we making this into a big deal?" she asked.

"I don't know. I guess we have to act like we have tons of lesbian friends. But don't act too weird. I don't want to make them uncomfortable."

Ross showed up awhile later, not knowing that Leanne was over. He cracked open a beer and looked quite satisfied.

"What?" I eyed him suspiciously.

He grinned, "Where are the lesbians?"

"You are loving this aren't you?!"

"Of course! I am never going to stop talking about the night with you, Leanne and the lesbians. This is every man's dream."

It figured.

The three of us sat around, waiting for a text from Stephanie to let us know she was on her way.

"I've never hung out with lesbians before," Ross said, a gleam in his eye.

"Let's hope we don't say the wrong thing," Leanne remarked.

"It's like, 'Don't mention the war!'" I said, reaching for another bottle of wine.

For those of you who don't know the hilarity behind that line, then there is no use explaining it. All I will do is recommend you go and download the "Germans" episode of Fawlty Towers.

By the time Stephanie and her fiance Cayden arrived, the three of us were quite tanked. I suppose we were just all so nervous that we kept drinking and drinking. So much so that even Ross, who hates wine, was "enjoying" a glass, while we anxiously eyed the door, waiting for the party to start.

Luckily the conversation flowed like wine. Stephanie was such a cutie and Cayden was way cool. Like Angeline Jolie in Hackers...in boy's clothes. Either way, we drank and talked and laughed. We were all really enjoying each other's company.

Then I ruined it.

As we talked, all I could think about was "don't mention the lesbians, don't mention the lesbians, don't mention the lesbians."

So when Cayden started talking about partying and having wild, drunken nights in the town of Ucluelet (pronounced U-Cue-Lit), all I could say was:

"I love U-Clit!"

Ross started snickering behind me. Leanne hid her smile behind her wine glass. The poor girls were looking at me like I had a stick up my bum.

I pretended that I pronounced it correctly and said it again.

"I always go down to U-Clit....erm...I like visting U-Clit. Damn it! U-Cue-Lit. Yeah."

I think that sort of set the tone for the evening. Luckily, Steph and Cayden didn't see anything too wrong with my wording...and yes I pronounced it wrong again later, much to the stealthy giggles of Ross and Leanne.

We ended our lovely evening when we tried to get into a pricey gay bar, but had to say no because we didn't have the money and it was a 1/2 hour till closing.

All I could say was Thank God.

Seeing the herd of noisy drag queens that went in there, I shudder to think of how else I could have stuck my big foot in my mouth. Can you imagine?

Drag Queen: "Cripes, this bar is closing too damn early."

Me: "Yeah. What a drag."