The Dead End Drive Off-Ramp

So, if it's not been a bit obvious, I've been feeling rather down in the dumps as of late, since the ol'd New Years was rung in (the real New Years, none of this Gung Hay Fat Pig crap).

I finally pinpointed it to feeling...

Stagnant.

Stuck.

Unmoving.

Immobile.

Out of gas.

Etc.

It seems like not one aspect of my life has been moving forward. Everything is staying the same, the same ol' status quo.

And I don't like the status quo. I never have.

It became such a problem that I decided to seek out counselling for it, to get myself back on track.

Now, counselling was something I balked at at first, mainly because there is still a wee bit of negative stigma attached to it. But honestly, it's the best thing I could have done for myself. My counsellor is awesome and already I feel the markings of a new woman brewing underneath. It's amazing what happens when you gain a little perspective on your life, perspective you can't find from friends,family or yourself. While other areas of my life are not "moving forward" I can tell that something inside me is.

It's exciting and a little scary.

But I have a ways to go. I still feel like I am wasting time, wasting my life, watching everyone else pass me bye as they go on to becoming "adults." I just feel left behind, like a big kid who wants to join in on the fun but can't because her car isn't fast enough and all the lights are turning red. So I'm stuck in first gear, puttering along, going round and round the block.

Or some kind of drawn-out metaphor like that. I like metaphors.

Over the last six months or so, I feel like my life has made no progress. Nothing has grown or changed (although, I am a bit more cynical, if you can't tell. And I'm using more metaphors).

Interestingly enough, my instinct is usually to run when my life comes to a standstill like this. Maybe this is why I travel so often. Or at least "lust" after it.

Recently, after feeling particularly frusterated at things, I spontaneously booked a trip to Umbria, Italy, for the end of August. It's more volunteer work for Pueblo Ingles, only this time, since I am a veteran of the program, I've been offered a "free" week in their new Italian program.

I jumped at the chance and signed up (keeping in mind that August is eons away and I have plenty of time to change my mind).

Now, something that was recently said to me has been ringing in my ears.

We usually travel to gain something for ourselves, whether it be perspective, experience, excitement, confidence, culture, love, understanding, etc.

But when do we stop "gaining" and when does it become "fleeing?"

I want my life to move forward.

I want things to go somewhere.

And I want to have these things without running away.