"I've been sitting, waiting, wishing...."

Not just a sweet Jack Johnson song, but something that applies to me very well.

I have been just sitting, waiting and wishing lately and that is what has lead to my stagnant frame of mind.

I came to some pretty life-altering desicions today, things I have always known in the back of my head but what I have been unwilling to examine because I've been afraid of what it might mean.

But now that they have been uncovered, there is no going back.

Today I was asked a very simple question (or three): What do I want out of my life? What is my five-year plan? Where do I want to be in the future?

It took me awhile to come up with the answer. I had several attempts but the answers what weren't I wanted but what I thought I wanted. What I thought I had to wait for. What I thought would happen if the stars aligned, etc.

I've never believed in a five-year plan because over the last five years my life has changed so much, there was no way I could ever prepare for it.

But having a plan doesn't mean you can't or won't be open to change, because, let's face it, the plan WILL change. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a goal to work towards. And not just a short-term goal like getting fit or getting a job but your future in total.

Adult life begins at 26 (according to most Americans). Maybe it begins at 18. Maybe it starts at 30, I don't know. But what I do know is that I have to start planning for my future, for what I want to get out of my life. And I haven't been planning a thing, I've been unable to. Everything has been short-term because I haven't been able to look at the long-term.

Because the long-term has been completely dependent on other people* and not myself.

This is why I have been feeling stuck. This is why I feel like I have no control over my life because I have handed my control over to others and have essentially began to plan my life around them. Not the life I want but a life I am settling for. My dreams, my future, my goals for the years ahead are all dependent on everyone but me and this is such a slap in the face for someone who considers herself "independent."

Because I'm not.

I could be, but instead I am waiting for things to happen.

I am waiting for my life to start.

And all I have to do is start it myself.

I don't have to wait for other people to do this for me.

I know what I want from life. At least, I have ideas. I know that I won't be in Vancouver forever but I think I may be leaving sooner than I thought. I feel obligations to family, friends, boyfriends, my apartment, but in the end I know I must go and find out what else is out there. I have to do this for me because this is my life I am living and I am going to have to live with it if I make the mistake of waiting for something that might never come.

To put it in other ways, I feel a calling and a beckoning to travel and explore this world (yes, STILL) and find my place in it. Deep down I have known that this city is not the place to do it in. This is why I can't even commit to a pet, like a hamster, because I know I won't be here long. This is why when I am looking for jobs, I know in the back of mind that there is a good possibility I'll leave after a year or two. My long-term is not here, it is out there and I must start planning for that.

So what does this mean? Nothing too drastic.

Oh, except that I am going to start planning to move out of here next year. I'll lease out my apartment. I'll sell my car. And I'll take off, where I am going I have no freaking clue. Australia? Europe? Africa? Who knows?

In the meantime, in this year I have left, I am going to finish my schoolwork, I am going to get a job and make and save some money. I am going to continue to take classes in other areas to further my fields of expertise.

And if I stumble upon myself and my dream job in the process and decide to stay in Vancouver, then whatdyaknow! Good for me! Problem solved.

I just think that once you have a plan and you start working towards that plan, you gain control in your life.

And when you are finally in control of your life, everything else just falls into place**.

(I realize that this all seems very irrational and sudden but I can assure you, it's not. I have been thinking about this for a long time but just didn't want to accept it as something I really wanted because it would mean a great deal of risk and change. But I can't be afraid of those things. Life, in general, is a risk.)

*Just to clarify, other people is just what it means. There is not one person who contributes to this but many, most notably "parents."

**OK so I know a lot of you have told me this yourselves so it's not like I just came up with this, but hey, at least I agree now!

"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. " ~William James

****
On a lighter and less life-changing note, I don't feel too sore today. Well, not a sore as I thought I would. My pecs are hurting, as are my arms and legs. But I can't be doing too badly since I went for a jog already.

OK, I didn't purposely go for a jog, but I decided to walk to my therapist's and when I realized I completely underestimated how long it would take (the walk involved taking a wee ferry to an island) I ended up running there in order to make it on time. Hmmm, maybe that's the motivation I need? Anyway, so while I wasn't too sore before...I sure am now.

But man, I feel good....

duh na na na na na na na....

I knew that I would.....