There's always time

"Time, there's always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time"

Time.

If there is anything in the world that is so universally poignant, it's time.

Try as you might, you can't fight time. You can't hurry it, you can't slow it down - oh, but if only we could.

Time never does what we want it to do. This steady, consist, unflappable enitity behaves (at times) as if it has a mind of it's own. Like it wants to rebel against us, us petty, insignificant humans who so desperately wish they could control it, to mold it to suit our needs. It laughs in our face, it does what it wishes and we can only go along. We have no choice. We are all victims of time until our time is up.

How many times has a vacation gone by so quickly - before you know it, you are back at home, back to where you started. It's like you never left. Nothing has changed - time has made progress on bringing you back, it's neglected the things you wanted changed. That - takes more time.

How many times have we flipped through pictures and are reminded that "it was only a year ago." Or perhaps, we think "Wow, it's been a year already."

How many times we have wanted time to speed up - long days at the office, sitting through a boring lecture or a bad movie, counting the days until you see a loved one again. Time can go so painfully slowly.

It's about time. Time is fleeting. Time heals all wound. Things take time. People waste time. People lose time. People need more time. People try and kill time. So use your time wisely. Time is the wisest counsellor of all. With good times, bad times, perfect timing. Time is of the essence. There is no time like the present. Time after time, time and time again. Time is the only thief we can't get justice against. Time flies when you are having fun. Time makes more converts than reason. There is a time for every matter under heaven.

Time takes time.

Let me repeat that: Time takes time.

The pain you feel in the short-term feels so unbearably long, and the happiness you will feel in the long run, seems even longer still.

Then of course, there is happiness in the short-term which feels shorter than it should and sadness in the long-run that could not come faster.

So try as you might, whatever option you choose, you still don't have a choice. Time sweeps us along, heading down that path we are all meant to go on. But when and how we each get there - is just a matter of time.

What makes me smile?

And I mean really smile, in that nose scrunched up kinda way that I often do (see above)? Too many things, I tells ya, so I've got to admit it's far from a complete list. Read on through though, and maybe what makes me smile, makes you smile too :D

*Coming home to a clean place (though the act of cleaning does not make me smile)

*Planning things - whether it be a Beer Tasting class, dance lessons with a friend, road trips and upcoming travels (ahem, like to Italy)

*Going into a bookstore - I could spend hours in them

*Having a place to call all my own

*Reading about a foreign country and picking out the best reasons why I should go visit this place - and then think about how cool it will sound to say, "Im going to Ulaambaatar next year"

*Looking at my bookshelf and realizing I have tons of great books just waiting for me

*Drinking a beer in the sun

*Being on the boat - doesn't matter if it's rainy outside or winter or if I am in the middle of the Sea of Cortez and gagging for land

*When a friend does something thoughtful (like send you a funny card when they know you are feeling blue)

*Sleeping in on a Saturday when you know you have the whole weekend still ahead of you

*Long weekends

*Dogs. Any kind. Puppies especially. I will squeal

*Being on the back of a horse

*A fresh breeze ruffling my hair

*No line up at Starbucks (or indeed any place)

*A thunderstorm or windstorm

*Lesley Neilsen

*Finding new TV shows to love

*Looking through photo albums

*Going to new restaurants

*Exploring new neighbourhoods

*Finding a piece of clothing that you know no one else will have

*Taking photographs

*Audrey Hepburn movies

*Writing scripts/novels especially when I get to the point where I could just keep going and going - this is when my heart truly soars and I feel whole

*Having faith

*Seeing people who are truly in love and thus being reminded that it does exist

*Plotting where to travel to in the coming years

*A big, new, thick...magazine

*Days when I realize it's OK that I am not perfect, and OK to be me the way I am

*Trying on a dress that makes me feel like an angel

*Fitting in to an old pair of (skinny) jeans

*A fragrant, warm breeze on a calm, dark night

*Taking off my bra

*The first time of the year when you put on flip-flop/sandals/jandals/thongs

*Finding money you didn't know you had in random places

*The warm glow from windows in the night

*A head-bobbing Bill Cosby

*Waking up early, thinking you have to go to work and then remembering it's the weekend and you can sleep as long as you want

*Ikea

*Watching the previews before a movie in the theatre

*Grocery shopping for the night's dinner you have planned

*Light snow falling at night

*Looking at pictures of palm trees, a white beach and cool, clear aquamarine water - and imagining what it would be like to there

*An appreciative smile from a cute guy

*A free drink (or free anything really)

*Having a radio play your song request

*Going out for Breakfast (especially IHOP, yum)

*A nice, juicy mango

*An unexpected compliment

*A full tank of gas

*Summer dining on a patio

*Finishing a crossword puzzle

*Quoting or having someone quote Friends, The Simpsons, Airplane... (Pivot!)

*Having coffee and reading the paper outside in early morning sunlight

*Finally seeing results of a workout

*Having friends who appreciate how silly I am

*The sound of a dog slurping water out of a bowl

*The first Eggnog Latte of the year

*My Homer Simpson slippers

*Reminiscing over old memories

*Disneyland

*Fluffy warm towels right out of the dryer

*Xmas songs

*Seeing candid photos of yourself

*The Simpsons Halloween Specials

*Finding people who love the same quirky things as you (ie, Mystery Science Theatre, Paul Simon, etc)

*Last-minute plans

*Getting to McDonalds in time for an Egg McMuffin

*A fresh sheet of bubble wrap

*Watching funniest animal videos

*The sound of lawn sprinklers

*My ability to see the bright side in everything

*Finding out that I was charged/paid too much on something and getting credited

*Making people laugh

*Getting the best seat on an airplane/bus/train and having no one sit next to you

*To be proud of how far I have come in my 25 years - and to know my life is just getting started

Sorry it was so long, but honestly I could go on and on - and hey, you know what, that can't be a bad thing, can it? I hope you too find things that make your face shrink up with glee (see below).

"I've been sitting, waiting, wishing...."

Not just a sweet Jack Johnson song, but something that applies to me very well.

I have been just sitting, waiting and wishing lately and that is what has lead to my stagnant frame of mind.

I came to some pretty life-altering desicions today, things I have always known in the back of my head but what I have been unwilling to examine because I've been afraid of what it might mean.

But now that they have been uncovered, there is no going back.

Today I was asked a very simple question (or three): What do I want out of my life? What is my five-year plan? Where do I want to be in the future?

It took me awhile to come up with the answer. I had several attempts but the answers what weren't I wanted but what I thought I wanted. What I thought I had to wait for. What I thought would happen if the stars aligned, etc.

I've never believed in a five-year plan because over the last five years my life has changed so much, there was no way I could ever prepare for it.

But having a plan doesn't mean you can't or won't be open to change, because, let's face it, the plan WILL change. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have a goal to work towards. And not just a short-term goal like getting fit or getting a job but your future in total.

Adult life begins at 26 (according to most Americans). Maybe it begins at 18. Maybe it starts at 30, I don't know. But what I do know is that I have to start planning for my future, for what I want to get out of my life. And I haven't been planning a thing, I've been unable to. Everything has been short-term because I haven't been able to look at the long-term.

Because the long-term has been completely dependent on other people* and not myself.

This is why I have been feeling stuck. This is why I feel like I have no control over my life because I have handed my control over to others and have essentially began to plan my life around them. Not the life I want but a life I am settling for. My dreams, my future, my goals for the years ahead are all dependent on everyone but me and this is such a slap in the face for someone who considers herself "independent."

Because I'm not.

I could be, but instead I am waiting for things to happen.

I am waiting for my life to start.

And all I have to do is start it myself.

I don't have to wait for other people to do this for me.

I know what I want from life. At least, I have ideas. I know that I won't be in Vancouver forever but I think I may be leaving sooner than I thought. I feel obligations to family, friends, boyfriends, my apartment, but in the end I know I must go and find out what else is out there. I have to do this for me because this is my life I am living and I am going to have to live with it if I make the mistake of waiting for something that might never come.

To put it in other ways, I feel a calling and a beckoning to travel and explore this world (yes, STILL) and find my place in it. Deep down I have known that this city is not the place to do it in. This is why I can't even commit to a pet, like a hamster, because I know I won't be here long. This is why when I am looking for jobs, I know in the back of mind that there is a good possibility I'll leave after a year or two. My long-term is not here, it is out there and I must start planning for that.

So what does this mean? Nothing too drastic.

Oh, except that I am going to start planning to move out of here next year. I'll lease out my apartment. I'll sell my car. And I'll take off, where I am going I have no freaking clue. Australia? Europe? Africa? Who knows?

In the meantime, in this year I have left, I am going to finish my schoolwork, I am going to get a job and make and save some money. I am going to continue to take classes in other areas to further my fields of expertise.

And if I stumble upon myself and my dream job in the process and decide to stay in Vancouver, then whatdyaknow! Good for me! Problem solved.

I just think that once you have a plan and you start working towards that plan, you gain control in your life.

And when you are finally in control of your life, everything else just falls into place**.

(I realize that this all seems very irrational and sudden but I can assure you, it's not. I have been thinking about this for a long time but just didn't want to accept it as something I really wanted because it would mean a great deal of risk and change. But I can't be afraid of those things. Life, in general, is a risk.)

*Just to clarify, other people is just what it means. There is not one person who contributes to this but many, most notably "parents."

**OK so I know a lot of you have told me this yourselves so it's not like I just came up with this, but hey, at least I agree now!

"To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions. " ~William James

****
On a lighter and less life-changing note, I don't feel too sore today. Well, not a sore as I thought I would. My pecs are hurting, as are my arms and legs. But I can't be doing too badly since I went for a jog already.

OK, I didn't purposely go for a jog, but I decided to walk to my therapist's and when I realized I completely underestimated how long it would take (the walk involved taking a wee ferry to an island) I ended up running there in order to make it on time. Hmmm, maybe that's the motivation I need? Anyway, so while I wasn't too sore before...I sure am now.

But man, I feel good....

duh na na na na na na na....

I knew that I would.....

The Dead End Drive Off-Ramp

So, if it's not been a bit obvious, I've been feeling rather down in the dumps as of late, since the ol'd New Years was rung in (the real New Years, none of this Gung Hay Fat Pig crap).

I finally pinpointed it to feeling...

Stagnant.

Stuck.

Unmoving.

Immobile.

Out of gas.

Etc.

It seems like not one aspect of my life has been moving forward. Everything is staying the same, the same ol' status quo.

And I don't like the status quo. I never have.

It became such a problem that I decided to seek out counselling for it, to get myself back on track.

Now, counselling was something I balked at at first, mainly because there is still a wee bit of negative stigma attached to it. But honestly, it's the best thing I could have done for myself. My counsellor is awesome and already I feel the markings of a new woman brewing underneath. It's amazing what happens when you gain a little perspective on your life, perspective you can't find from friends,family or yourself. While other areas of my life are not "moving forward" I can tell that something inside me is.

It's exciting and a little scary.

But I have a ways to go. I still feel like I am wasting time, wasting my life, watching everyone else pass me bye as they go on to becoming "adults." I just feel left behind, like a big kid who wants to join in on the fun but can't because her car isn't fast enough and all the lights are turning red. So I'm stuck in first gear, puttering along, going round and round the block.

Or some kind of drawn-out metaphor like that. I like metaphors.

Over the last six months or so, I feel like my life has made no progress. Nothing has grown or changed (although, I am a bit more cynical, if you can't tell. And I'm using more metaphors).

Interestingly enough, my instinct is usually to run when my life comes to a standstill like this. Maybe this is why I travel so often. Or at least "lust" after it.

Recently, after feeling particularly frusterated at things, I spontaneously booked a trip to Umbria, Italy, for the end of August. It's more volunteer work for Pueblo Ingles, only this time, since I am a veteran of the program, I've been offered a "free" week in their new Italian program.

I jumped at the chance and signed up (keeping in mind that August is eons away and I have plenty of time to change my mind).

Now, something that was recently said to me has been ringing in my ears.

We usually travel to gain something for ourselves, whether it be perspective, experience, excitement, confidence, culture, love, understanding, etc.

But when do we stop "gaining" and when does it become "fleeing?"

I want my life to move forward.

I want things to go somewhere.

And I want to have these things without running away.