Musings of late February

The above photo was taken by my bf's roomate. I was modeling for him (he is a photographer and it was school project and I was a last resort - hence why I have no makeup on, am dressed like a fat bag lady and didn't have a hair brush with me) and he was taken photos from across the alleyway like a stalker. My bf had to go to the doctor (due to painful bursitis in his shoulders), so he came out onto his roof to say good-bye (yes, I was being photographed on the roof).

His roomate snapped the pic without our knowledge, so I think it's just a wonderful candid shot of a parting moment.

But what is most interesting is...THE WEATHER! Hello! It's February here in Vancouver, Canada, the supposed "coldest" month of the year and I'm wearing a thin shirt and skirt and he's just got a tee on. To be fair, a couple of weeks ago it did snow but lookee now...sunshine, birdsong and spring buds.



And sleeveless wine and cheese on my roof under a dying sun. Bliss!



Now, I am wondering how to blog about this next part without going on and on and on about it. As you are all probably well aware, I tend to write long posts. I don't know why this is, all I know is that summarizing is not my strong point (and in the projects I am currently working on, it has come to bite me in the ass).

But I digress and shall get straight to the point....without sounding like one of those ungrateful or full-of-themselves people. So I will start off with this qoute from Friends, because I think it applies here.

"My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!"

Ahem.

I look in the mirror and I see someone who is funny looking. I have an odd-face. I have numerous body flaws (even despite my recent weight loss). But I have blonde hair and I guess my figure is OK and I know that other people tend to say I'm "hot." I am not going to argue because I will never think that, but I can see WHY they would say that. I would just never let myself think that about myself because it's conceited, etc. And if you know me, you KNOW how much confidence I lack.

Regardless, I get pinpointed as being "hot" and I have never noticed this so much as when I started going out with my boyfriend 8 months ago.

I never got it much in high school and if it was it was in my group of friends (who were all punks, bangers, skids, druggies, goths) and not the school in general. I never got it afterwards because I was too fat (for my frame and my looks...I was at 169lbs at my worst and, yeah, it had people going "Lusty would be the hottest chick if she wasn't so damn fat" - a real quote from a real "friend" of mine). And I never really got it in University...until after I was down to 128lbs. And even then, I never heard it.

But my love now never lets me forget it. His friends don't let me forget it. Everytime we go out someone makes a comment about my looks. The guys say it in a nice way, the girls say it bitingly. Regardless, I hear it a lot. Do I get hit on a lot? NO. Actually, I rarely do. But I hear it and it's OK but it gets kind of annoying after awhile.

OK, so NOW is when the "My wallet is too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight!" quote comes in because I know you all are rolling your eyes and saying, gee what a terrible problem to have. People constantly complimenting you.

Let me just say, I appreciate it. It's a novelty to me. I like it when people try and be nice. It does help my self-esteem sometimes.

But there is a downside to this that has been PISSING ME OFF as of lately.

When people start to see you as the Rockstar's "hot girlfriend," you start to diminish as a person and start to become an object. Unless they actually know me well, most people will stereotype me as some hot blonde chick and assume I am:

A)Stupid
B)Useless
C)Worthless

Maybe it's blonde thing because dark-haired beauties don't tend to get this assumption as much (I don't know, Kiwi, what do you think?). Maybe I need to dye my hair and wear glasses. But that's not me.

So all the emo, art-fag chicks that hate on me, hate on me because they don't understand how a hot blonde chick who wears cute dresses to rock concerts can possibly be funny, witty, smart and thoughtful. They write me off as being a waste of space and pure eye candy.

This problem continues on into my school world.

Most of you don't know this, but I write screenplays. I've been doing it since I was 21, starting as a hobby and now going as a career. I had one script in 2002 that attracted the attention of a local producer. I had it optioned for 3K (money I never saw when she skipped town eventually) but she did help me develop it and the script was good enough to be chosen to be performed live at a cold reading series. The script also was a finalist in screenwriting contests.

Skip forward a few years, past my days in New Zealand, to University. I had another script and this one actually landed me an agent.

It is very hard to get an agent. You can't get one if you aren't a good writer.

Regardless, he wasn't a very good agent so I am not too sure what that says about my writing skills.

Anyhoo, he sorta promoted my script and then I ended up losing interest. One reason is because I went to LA on a pitch conference (where you pitch your script to Miramax, Paramount etc)and got into an exclusive party. Long story short, I realized Hollywood sucked ass and I didn't want any part of it. Another reason is because people at journalism school kept telling me how impractical screenwriting was and that I should be more realistic.

Of course, they never told me how impractical journalism itself it. So fuck them, I decided. I am going to do this...I have as much of a chance selling my scripts than you do for writing for a newspaper any place other than Fort McMurray (ie, Butt Fuck Nowhere). The fact that right now, 10 BIG producers and 4 BIG agents have my script for review gives me as much of a chance of making it as you sending your journalism resume to the Globe and Mail.

Anyhoo, I don't admit it often because I have not officially "made" it and I don't want people to just assume I'm kidding myself...but that's happening so far.

I'm going to film school*. It's not film school as in "let's play with cameras and pretend to be directors." No, it's a course that deals with learning to be a producer here in Canada...how to get funding from the government, distributors, broadcasters. How to budget and schedule your film using EP. How to be a production manager. How to enter film festivals. Where are the best tax credits. How much is insurance on my 2 mil film going to run me. What can I expect from post production (an aside, we went to a Technicolor lab today and I got to handle an undeveloped roll of Heath Ledger's last film Dr. Parnussus. I wasn't sure if the new footage, that was just dropped off at the lab, had Johnny Depp, Colin Farrel or Jude Law in it - his replacement actors - but I felt special).

Our program is very intense and has a lot of big people in it. One classmate produces the CBC show "The Guard." Another classmate is producing her first horror film with Kristin Kruek. One instructor is an actual Entertainment Lawyer who has worked on some big stuff. Another instructor has just produced Canada's first stop motion animation film. One instructor was the DOP on The Punisher sequel (and the new Captain Cook series on the History channel). One class project has us pitching our "shows" to a panel of judges that include the president of Lionsgate films. These are BIG people.

And they all look at me like I'm an idiot. Whenever I mention anything about writing, they just brush me off. Assume I can't do it. "Look at her, thinks she can write, what does she know?"

What do THEY know?

They completely judge me by my cover. The girls are the worst too, it seems like the guys are at least taken me remotely seriously. They at least take in what I have to say, nod a few times, perhaps. But the girls in my class don't even listen. They think I am full of bullshit. Many a time in group projects where something has involved writing or knowledge of scripts, they write me off. They don't give it to me, in fact they don't give any work to me. Look people, I have only a few strengths and many, many weaknesses (um, writing too long blog posts).

My strength is writing, I have come to believe this over the years - and fuck, even now I don't know if I can write shit at all - but it's the best I have to offer.

And no one will take me up on that offer.

Whaa, whaa, whaa, whinge, whinge, whinge. I must sound like a baby complaining about these things. But I would do anything to be taken more seriously and it seems until I actually make it, I'm going to have a long hard road ahead of me.

Some person commented on another blog and said, "There is nothing more important in this world than being a hot chick. You don't have to do shit."

I'm here to say that you couldn't be more wrong. Being hot may work in your favour as an actor (and even then, have you heard about Jessica Alba complaining about not getting Natalie Portman's parts? Yes, she is a horrible actress but...) or as a model or as a trophy wife, or a bartender, or perhaps at a company where the boss is a sleazeball. But other than that, you have to work just as hard.

And to be taken seriously for what I want to do, I think I have to work even harder.

Which is fine in the long run. Hard work builds character, it makes you refine what you want and it keeps your faith strong.

It will make the success that much sweeter when I finally am able to prove that I am capable and I can scream in their faces, "HA! I told you so!"

And then, maybe I'll stop complaining about my diamond shoes.

* - I should specify that I am not actually going to "film" school, it is a short, intensive university program that is geared towards people who are already IN the industry and want to transfer their skills to the producers range.

Women are bitches

The weekend before last was a disaster and I can't believe I waited this long to blog about it. But what can I say, I'm a busy woman.

Anyhoo, let's set up the scene, shall we?

My boyfriend has a very close knit group of guy friends that he has known since elementary school. These guys are close...very close...so it's a bit intimidating to try and win the approval of them. My last bf had no friends (in this country) and the friends he did have (his work colleagues) I was not allowed to mingle with.

My Rockstar wants me to mingle with his friends and make them my friends.

Well, we've been together nearly 8 months now and I know I have made a good impression on them. It helps that my bf has never, ever complained about me to them - even though all they do is complain about their gfs to him. Constantly.

And for the most part, I do like his friends. There is one of them I am not too sure about but to be fair, my bf isn't that close with him either - friend by history, if you know what I mean.

Anyhoo, the point is that all these guys have girlfriends and over the last 8 months I have tried to get to know them better...bonding and all that shit.

In November I orchestrated a girls trip to Whistler for the 5 of them plus my bf's lovely sister. It was a lot of fun and I mainly did it because I knew that the girls always complained when the guys had guys nights and trips so I thought it would be nice for them.

Then in December I had a girls clothing swap. Though most didnt show up, the idea was to bring all the makeup, jewlery, clothes, shoes that you didnt want and trade with the others for stuff you do want. It was a success, and the clothes we had left over we donated to charity. But I mainly did that because I wanted another "bonding" experience plus one girl, Mik (not her real name ;P), had complained before that she never has any nice clothes. I had a lot of nice clothes so I thought it would be a nice thing to do...anyway, she didn't show. Whatever.

Then in January I planned for another girl's night. I had about 10 girls coming over to mine before for drinks, then we would hit the bar. Mik decided to make reservations at this Irish bar that I wasn't too fond of but we all agreed, especially when we found out that we could get on the VIP list and not stand in line or pay cover. A bonus, because we all were broke.

So the night comes. My friend's Robyn and K came over. But the rest of the girls were MIA. Finally I heard from them...they were late and heading straight to the bar. There were only three of them too...Mik, the Swede and Red. I didn't question what happened to everyone else, so we decided to head over.

In the cab, on the way there, Mik calls me. She wants to go to this horrible bar around the corner instead. She says there will be more people there and it will be more fun...more guys and the like. It's also the same bar that she used to frequent when she was single and trolled for hockey players...from what she's said, she's hooked up with a lot of them...especially the married ones. Let's ignore the fact that she is almost engaged here, and that she's a judgemental holier-than-thou Christian who looks down on ME for getting drunk once in a while.

So, she wants to go to this bar for whatever reason and wants to pay the $12 cover. I tell her, on behalf of Robyn, K and another girl, E, that we are meeting at the original bar, that we can't afford to pay cover and why not stick to the original plan for now. She didn't sound too happy about that.

We get to the Irish bar and I can SEE she doesn't look too happy about it. I give her a hug anyway, but she barely smiles. She's wearing what can only be described as a long shirt - again, it's a bit ironic that she hates it when her bf/fiance goes out to clubs because she thinks HE is looking for girls. And when SHE goes out, she wears something like that.

Anyhoo, we go inside the bar and it's packed! It's hockey night and there is barely anywhere to sit but we manage to score a table and few chairs. If she was worried that it would be lame, with no one here, she was wrong.

She looks around. Whispers something to the Swede, grabs Red's arm and says, "We are just going to check our coats."

Half an hour later, Robyn, K, E and I have a feeling they aren't coming back. Then I get a text from her, "Decided to go to the Roxy, maybe see you later."

They didn't come back to say goodbye. They just left. They lied to us.

It's obvious now that when I planned this girls night, we had different ideas. She just wanted to go out with "her" friends (the other gfs). She didn't care about me. She suggested the damn bar and then changes her mind at the last minute for no reason.

I texted her back, sick of this crap and said "You didn't even come back to say bye? This was YOUR idea to come to this bar, I planned a girls night so that we could all hang out TOGETHER and instead you just ditch us?"


No response. Luckily the rest of us were still able to dance the night away and have fun but we were still angry as hell.

I started texting my bf and all he can say is that Mik is a bitch, the Swede is her personal cheerleader but that he was disappointed in Red. Red is not at all like those preppy bitches, she is more like me. He couldn't believe that she would go along with them. But she did.

Later on I found out that the only reason that Red did was because it was her bf that was picking the three of them up. And her bf knew about the situation ahead of time thanks to my bf filling him in on my texts.

So when he picks them up, he asks the girls..."So, why did you guys even agree to go? Do you even like Lusty?"

Red said, "I do!"

Mik said, "No. We don't get along."

WE DON'T GET ALONG????

This is news to me people. I have been nothing but nice to that girl. Buying her lame ass Facebook gifts when she feels sad. Planning a girls swap so that she would have something nice to wear. Creating these girls nights so she doesnt feel so lame when her bf/fiance goes out with his friends. Keeping her company when her bf and my bf are off doing their thing. Hell, when I got drunk in front of her back in November (see my "Sobriety" post) SHE was the reason I haven't gotten drunk since! I felt her judging me...HELL I was SOBER on Halloween because I was too afraid to get drunk lest she would look down on me again. I COULD HAVE BEEN WASTED!!!

So yeah. We don't get along. She doesn't like me DESPITE the fact that I have heard NOTHING BUT HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT HER and yet always still gave her the benefit of the doubt.

My boyfriend is really upset about this revelation. Her bf is his best friend, M. Every single one of M's friends hate Mik...with a passion. My bf is the ONLY friend of his who is actually really nice to her and who never says a bad thing about her, even when M is going off about her. The worst he has ever said is "Mik is being unreasonable" when, like, she broke into his msn account, found a picture of a chick that a guy friend was dating (he sent he pic to show M what she looked like) and then accused her bf of cheating. And when I say accused, I mean attacked.

So it's ironic that of all the girlfriends, I AM the only one she doesn't like. What's worse is that we can't figure out why she doesn't like me. It could be because I drink and she doesn't. It could be because I call myself a Christian and she doesn't think I should. It could be because she's jealous of me. It could be because I (according to my bf) have a dominant personality. It could be because everyone likes me...and no one likes her.

Which makes me think back to a few weeks ago....I went to bed early on a Saturday night. The guys were having a guy's night and I had to get up early for school. My phone was on silent so I didn't hear it ring at 330AM. The next day I saw I had a missed call from a long distance number.

I googled the number and traced it to Mik's parents house on Vancouver Island. I knew she was on the island because that's the only reason her bf was able to attend guy's night.

Why would she, someone who I am not close with and who doesn't like me, call me from her parent's house at 330 AM on Sunday morning?

Turns out she was harassing her bf all night and checking up on him. He finally told her to stop calling him, turned off his phone. She I guess assumed that I would be with my bf and he would be with hers so she called me to check up on her bf/fiance and find out what he was up to.

This is just something my bf and I have deduced but holy crap. What a psycho. I could go on and on too about this girl. I'm just amazed that someone like THAT would have such a problem with lil ol' me.

I guess I should mention that she did send me an apology over Facebook...which seemed so insincere..."I hope you can forgive me and we can move on." You know, I would have but now that I know she doesn't like me....tough cookies. It means nothing to me.

Red apologized too and I ended up speaking to her face to face on Friday night. She felt really bad and it turns out she doesn't even like the other girls all that much since she feels she cant be herself around them and that she wants to get to know me better since we are more alike. I knew she was sincere and we have plans for a girls night, just us two, next weekend.

So that is that. Girls are bitches. I know that you are always going to have people that don't like you in your life, no matter what you do, it just pisses me off that I often go out of my way to get to know people and make them feel good and in the end they just hate me anyway. I don't know why I have always been a target for bitchy girls, I get it every day...and it seems to get worse as I get older, I have no clue why.

In other news, things have been running smoothly. School is hardcore intense but I still love it. I've been up to some top secret stuff that could change my life forever but until it happens, I am not going to mention it on this blog....I don't think any of you would take me seriously.

Dad has agreed that we need to sell the apartment and we will start doing that in May/June.

My wonderful bf spent three hours trying to fix my toilet and in the end, succeeded (with the help of a neighbour). Even though my bf is so not a manly man, it was really honorable that he was determined to fix things and watching him with his tool kit was definitely a turn-on :P



I just found rasberry-filled Tim Tams and Worcester-flavoured Walker's chips at a gourmet cancy store.

Lost has been blowing my mind. I can't believe how good it is again.

I just got a Brazilian wax today, my first professional one (yes I have done it myself). It was comparable to going spread eagle to the gynocologist, but instead of a spatula they pour hot wax in your hoo-haa and ass-haa and then rip it off. I was kinda embarassed at first, it's really such an odd experience, but the pain was temporary and by the time I left the salon it was just a memory. I'm super happy with the results and can't wait to wear my Brazilian cut bikini to....


...HAWAII NEXT WEEK!

Yup, next tuesday the man and I are flying to Maui and spending a week with his parents. They are paying for everything and I can't wait. It doesn't even seem real and it's been SO long since I've been to the islands. Arrrrrg, we both need this vacation like you wouldn't believe!

Valentine's Day Rant

I hate this day.

It doesn't matter if you are in a relationship or not, it sucks.

My boyfriend is broke. He knows it, he hates it, I know it, I hate it. But there isn't much we can do about it so we just accept it and move on.

Then days like today come along, with girls bragging about what their "wonderful" boyfriends have bought them....flowers, chocolates, gifts, trips, expensive dinners, etc.

It just puts so much emphasis on what is NOT important. These material things that mean nothing at all. These girls forget that most of the year, their boyfriend is a douche bag, and on this one day, suddenly an expensive meal makes up for the fact that they never call her back, or get too friendly with other girls when drunk, or never take out the garbage, or never put in any effort into the relationship or never make them feel like they are the most important thing in their life.

Last year, my (ex) boyfriend did something very nice for me. He bought me a trip to the spa, plus cheesey balloons and flowers. My boyfriend this year probably won't give me anything.

But what I have learned is that I would rather have a man who perhaps can't spend any money on me but treats me like absolute gold EVERY DAY OF THE YEAR than a man who gives me gifts but can't even give me his heart.

So shame on you, Valentine's Day, for emphasizing the shallow side of relationships and ignoring that deep down, what we really need on this day is someone's heart....and not one that is filled with expensive chocolates.

As If I Needed Another Reason

Today I found out that my maintenance fees for my apartment have doubled.

Yup. Instead of paying $282 a month for NOTHING (which I already thought was high) now I pay $543.

FIVE HUNDRED AND FOURTY-THREE DOLLARS A MONTH for a tiny pool that is only open 3 months of the year, elevators that don't work, a very unsafe and unsecure building and a central heating system that leaves a layer of dust all over my place.

ON TOP OF THE FIVE HUNDRED AND SIXTY FIVE I PAY IN MORTGAGES.

That means I am paying well over a $1000 a month for 430 tiny square feet.

Now I mean business. Since I co-own the place with my dad, I just emailed him the facts. If this doesn't sway him to sell, I don't know what will. Aside from the fact that the small yellow house in front of me has been bought by a real estate company and they are planning to build an 18-storey highrise there by next year which will COMPLETELY BLOCK THE SEA VIEW FROM MY APARTMENT - actually, all views and even the roof deck will be affected since my building is about 5 floors lower than the proposed one.

I

AM

SO

OUT

OF

HERE

Apartment For Sale

Dear Lights,
Why must you keep going out? First it was the one in the hallway, now the kitchen. Soon, I'm going to be in complete darkness. Don't you realize that I would rather not spend my money on you and that I am so damn busy I can't even go out and replace you (hence why I am writing a half-assed post)?

Dear Toilet,
Please stop running! I don't know what's wrong with you, how you look like you are fine and then suddenly WHOOOOOSH in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of me. It has got to be the most annoying sound in the world and I don't appreciate you causing my bf to lift the back off of you and stare into your watery cauldron, waiting to see what the hell you are doing, exactly. I also don't appreciate it how you act "normal" when you know you are being watched. Don't make me call a plumber. DAMN IT! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!

Dear Neighbour I never see,
Stop staring at me when you see me on the street. Either say hello or don't. It's weird. Also, I know you are never home but I've noticed that when you ARE actually home, your TV is really, really loud. I know I could just tell you since you seem to be quite nice but I guess I am just mad at my apartment's lack of sound-proofing. And I recent how the people who sold you the place told me you were "pretty" and my "age." You're FORTY! You aren't my age!!!!

Dear Neighbour beside me,
I just plain hate you. I don't know why you are home everyday. I don't know why your TV is on all day. I don't know why you play horrible, cheesey techno music. I don't know why I never hear anyone in your apartment. I don't know if you are a guy or a girl, young or old, gay (most likely) or not. I don't want to know. I just wish you weren't right THERE, on the other side of my bed. Though, considering how often my bed rams against the wall during sex, I bet you wish I wasn't here either.

Dear neighbour below me,
You were the unassuming one. I never heard a peep out of you except for the occasional folk music that you would play once a month. Now, when you have your tv on, IT'S THE LOUDEST OF THEM ALL. WHAT GIVES? Is this payback for me walking around with me heels on? It's not my fault I have hardwood floors.

Dear neighbour above me,
Don't get me started. You are an idiot. Why do you have to invite your buddies over to watch the hockey game and why must you YELL OUT THE WINDOW at them everytime they pull into the parking lot?? Why must you smoke out the window too??? That's disgusting and it only enables me to hear your stupid, dumb-ass jock laugh and your stupid hockey sounds ("Ooooooh!"). And why does it sound like you are dropping the ocassional bowling ball at night - don't tell me those are weights. Cause, if they are, they aren't doing any good. I never hear a girl in your apartment, just that porn you have on repeat.

Dear annoying thumping noise,
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU? Why does it sound like someone is pacing to one end of their apartment in heavy shoes and then pausing for 5 seconds and pacing back. ALL DAY LONG! ALL THE TIME! WHAT the hell is this noise? And WHERE the hell is it coming from??? It's faint, I know, and I suppose it could be easy to ignore. But I can't, it throws me into a frenzy. I feel like Lisa Simpson when she made her diorama of The Tell-tale Heart.

Dear apartment,
I no longer like you. You are way too dusty, I feel like I have to vacuum everyday. You are way too annoying, all these people around me. You are way too expensive, I don't know why my maintence fees are so high. You are way too small for me. After nearly two years of living with you, I have accumulated way too much stuff it's not working out anymore. There is no place to put anything. My closet is beyond stuffed. I don't have anywhere to put my schoolbooks and homework.

And I am really, really sick of just living in ONE room.

Besides, when I get engaged or married, there is no WAY the two of us are going to fit in here.

So this is it...

Dear apartment,
I AM SELLING YOU.

Any takers?

Serial Monogamists = scared to be single?

Just thought I would throw out there...

A friend of mine and her bf recently broke up (not the couple I have been talking about lately though). It's been a few weeks and already the girl has found a new boyfriend.

Now, I have to ask this, but why are some women so afraid of being single?

This friend has never been single for more than a month in the 10 years I have known her. She just goes from guy to guy to guy. And sure, the relationships have already been pretty long, she's not so much of a "slut" but still, way to rack up the numbers in your bedpost.

I've noticed this happening a lot, with other girls that I know and I just don't understand it. Maybe it's because I've been single for three years at one time, I don't feel I need a man to be "complete,"...I don't know. But so many girls just go from one relationship to another, without having any time spent truly on their own.

Are they entering these relationships honestly liking the guy, or are they just afraid to be alone? I mean, how can you "love" or "really, really like" the last guy and then a month later suddenly you "love" or "really, really like" the next guy? In my world, REAL feelings take time to develop. When you flit from "Oh he's the one" to "oh, HE'S the one," to "Yeah, this guy is the one too," how can any of those feelings be anything but shallow?

Do they think society will look down upon them if they don't have a guy in their lives? One girl just hops from bed to bed to bed hoping that soon one of the guys she lays will want to have her for more than a one-night stand. I tell her, "just ENJOY BEING SINGLE! Who you are is not dependent on who you are WITH! Having a guy in your life does not make you better than anyone else."

And this seems to happen more with girls than with guys. Sure, most guys will go out and get laid on occasion, but they aren't as likely to freak out and go, "OH MY GOD, I'm single! Quick I better get a woman, I don't know how to live with just ME!"

Now, I do know a few guys who actually are like that, so I am not saying it's just a girl thing. It just seems to happen more.

Anyway, I just wish women weren't so afraid to be alone. So many won't even go traveling if they don't have someone to go with...you know what? If you wanna go somewhere, GO ALONE! If you use common sense, it wont kill you and you will have a guaranteed blast.

It seems like in this day and age that so many people are connected to each other by blogs and facebook and dating services, "being alone" has become some sort of plague to be avoided.

It's not. You are born alone and you will die alone. Try spending sometime with YOU and once you get to know YOU, you'll never feel alone again.

Disclaimer: I am aware that I started going out with my current love only two months after the last one dumped me. This was out of the blue and a relationship was not what I was looking for. In fact, I was looking forward to having the freedom of being single and moving on so quickly did throw me for a loop. I am glad I lucked out like that, but had my love never showed up in my life and I was still single now, I know I would NOT be dating and would just be single and living my awesome life. By myself. And keeping an eye open for any opportunities that come along when you are busy making other plans

Teeny-weeny Bikinis and French Clothes

"She wore an itsy bitsy teeney weeney, yellow (polka dot) bikini, that she wore for the first time today."

Today my Victoria's Secret bikini arrived in the mail. I normally buy VS bikinis (among other things) every year however this was the first year I was able to buy both the top AND bottom in size small. Not only that, but I purposely chose the Brazilian cut model because the bottom was skimpiest and showed off your ass.

ME showing off my ass? What is the world coming to??? Normally I buy the one with the biggest coverage and spend my days on the beach figuring out how best to hide my bottom. Now, for the first time in my life, I am looking forward to strolling on the beach in my bikini, for all the world to see.

That's not to say I am completely comfortable. I still have and always will have horrible scarring on my ankles but I figure if the rest of you looks hot, who cares, plus I've bought Dermablend's body makeup which can cover tattoos, scars, etc. Also, my thighs are jiggly and will always be the largest part of me. But I've come to terms with that, as well as my arms and poochy stomach, etc. Can't win em all!

I now weigh around 125-127 lbs and I plan on staying this way. That's a huge drop from 138 in November but I know my limits. Last week I stepped on the scale and it read 124. 124! That's nuts. Instead of being happy about weighing so little (I'm 5'6", it's little to me), it actually made me uneasy. I didn't want to weigh that, to feel like my face was losing its fullness, my boobs threatening to leave B town and head towards A territory. I felt like it wasn't "me." So I made a point of pigging out so I wouldn't lose anymore and now I am happily hovering at 126 lbs. Yes, I do need to work on toning up and getting more definition but for now, losing weight is DUNZO!

In other news, my favourite French clothing brand, Lochers, arrived in the mail too (such the online junkie I am). Though a bit pricey for a simple shirt or necklace, Lochers nevertheless makes unique and darling items. I already had two items of theirs, this shirt:

I Hate
Children

As well as this innocent number:

timid front

Or perhaps not so timid..guess I'm a bad girl HA HA


And today I recieved this lovely shirt (was on sale):

front: Good Luck

MOTHERFUCKER!

I contemplated wearing the I Hate Children shirt to Disneyland, but that really might have been pushing it.


BTW - LOST IS ON TONIGHT! Who out there is SUPER EXCITED like I am????

The Bubble

Before I started classes, we had some recent graduates come in and tell us what they thought of the program. One noted that the real world was much scarier and that he would love to be back in school (having experienced that myself in Journalism School, I know what he means). He also said we will become engulfed by this film bubble and that, my friends, has already happened.

I haven't had a day off in a week and I don't get a day off until Friday. And even that sucks because of my 845AM class on Saturday. So I have been seeing the same darn people EVERY SINGLE DAY and been walking the total of 40 minutes every single day to school and back (through rain, sleet, snow, random couples that ask you to have a threesome with them on Friday night) and been sitting in the same class room every single day. My thoughts are as follows: film, film, film, food, film, film, film, film, boyfriend, food, film, film, film, friends, film, film, film. And this will continue till April, so...I better get used to it?

But I'm not complaining, really, because what I am learning is wonderful. Just last night, as we dissected how the initially narrow release of My Big Fat Greek Wedding went wide and gained momentum 5 months after it's opening, I was struck by just how cool it was that THIS was what I was studying. Being a film junkie ever since Jurassic Park came out and I made dinosaur movies with my camcorder, this is something like heaven. A stressful, time-consuming, tiring, bubble of heaven.

Of course, there is a class I could do without: Entertainment Law. It's not that I am not interested in law (OK, I'm not) but it's that an actual lawyer teaches our class. Not a TEACHER but a lawyer. He's young too and personable and the poor guy was nervous as hell but...just because you practice law does not make you good at explaining it to people who just want to make a damn movie.

But, so far, the best class of all is our Professional Skills Development program. I wish they taught this class in high school, I wish it was mandatory before you went to University and wasted money.

This class is all about YOU. What are YOU good at? What are YOU passionate about? What puts a smile on YOUR face and how can we make that YOUR career? If you were to inherit 80k for one year and you could choose to do anything, the only catch is that you have to do it 8 hours a day, 5 days a week...what would you choose?

And even those three questions...are hard! What am I passionate about?

WHAT AM I PASSIONATE ABOUT?

I have no idea, honestly. What makes me happy? I don't know...thuderstorms, my boyfriend, sex, Fruit Loops...how does that equal a career?

The point, luckily, is that most people don't know and the purpose of the class is to find out. One of the first things he had us do is write down what you are a resource for.

You know: you are at a cocktail party, don't know anyone and someone starts to talk to you. What is the thing you could talk about forever, that you don't have to think, you just are so comfortable with and so knowledegable about that you are "Unconciously Competant."

This was my list, and no matter how silly and useless, you had to put everything down:

I am a resource for...
*Celebrity gossip
*How to write a script
*How to sell/promote your script
*How to have a blog people read (uh, I hope)
*geography (places, cities, countries)
*Animals (what will you find in Tanzania)
*Anything and everything about horses and riding
*Best places to travel and stay in Western Europe, Aus, NZ
*The neweset makeup and skincare products plus tips
*All classic films, esp. The Star System and anything Hitchcock
*How to lose weight quickly and easily

So that's what I know and know well. Random, yes but somehow this information will be applied to my career. After all, it's all about what YOU can bring to the table and how your skills in one area can be transferred to another.


Now it's about YOU, fellow readers. If YOU had to do something, ANYTHING, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, what would YOU do? (don't worry if it's abstract. One example was that an unemployed guy said, "reading, books, magazines, anything"...now he's a rich guy's chauffer and guess what he does most of the day while waiting to pick up his boss from the Men's Club, cocktail parties, the theatre? He has stacks of books beside him in the limo and he just READS all day and is happier than he has ever been).

Also, what are YOU a resource for?Be honest...


BTW - I know I said I was going to have some video blog post today...I did film it but I look like crap on camera and I am not sure what I am going to do with the footage, it's kinda lame and NOT AT ALL what I had envisioned in my mind. I downloaded editing software though, so you may or may not see a video blog post soon.

Sobriety

Above is a photo from the last time I got wasted. I think this picture is awesome. I don't remember why my boyfriend has underwear on his head, where he got the flowers from, what I am doing in the picture or where I was.

I know that it was a Wednesday night in November and we had gone out to a bar to watch our friend's debut on a TV show. Then drinks followed and I was gone.

The next morning, as my groaning bf went to work, I somehow drove home and realized I lost my house keys the night before. If I was smart, I could have got a hold of the apartment manager and they would have let me in (I had spare keys inside). But I wasn't smart and for some reason my next course of action was to drive to my parent's house, 45 minutes away. That was not fun, and I can't recall why I did that.

Anyhoo, since this incident, I have not gotten wasted. I have gotten drunk, yes, with a close eye on how much I have been drinking. But (aside from NYE which was more of an illness thing), I have successfully not gotten stupidly drunk.

And now with school on Saturday and Sunday mornings, the opportunities to get stupidly drunk are fewer and farther between. That's not such a bad thing. After the November incident, my bf's best friend and his supposed fiance now think I am some huge pisstank. Excuse me, but it takes two to tango. I am not the one with underwear on my head. Anyway, it just bugs me when you get really drunk ONCE and then afterwards you forever hold this reputation.

I know his best friend doesn't really give two shits whether I am a wino or not but his "fiance" holds it above me like I'm some terrible person. So I got wasted once. I slurred like an idiot, danced foolishly and had a great time - I lost my house keys but that only affects me. Why should something like that matter to someone else? Just pisses me off...

Anyway, since I have been updating my blogs and such, I wanted to give a shout out to a few of my current faves, and new ones too.

Persisting Stars: Blogger Madelyn writes some of the most beautiful prose in the blogosphere. Whenever I feel down and out, I go to her blog and am immediately inspired by her poetic and refreshing attitude to the world. What's even more inspiring is the fact that she finds (and beautifully photographs) unexpected treasures amidst the mundane, finding life everywhere she looks. She too lives in Vancouver and I have strained to see the city that we share through her fresh eyes. A must read.

Paris, Paints and Chocolate: Officially known as Paris Breakfasts, Carol's watercolor-a-day paintings and wonderful photographs and musings on Paris's best pastries, treats and sentimental objects is a wonderful escape from the doldrums of everyday life.

KarinaXOXO: Not only do we share the same name, but we share the same taste in all things girly: makeup, fashion and shopping. Light and Breezy, Karina keeps you on your toes and ahead of the style game.

Eurobabe: Not only is La Femme (or Adeleine) a gorgeous specimen, she writes gorgeously too. Her keen eye and humility picks up on the best style trends from around the world and shares her findings with us lucky readers.

Random Robyn: I call her this because she is. Having gone to journalism school (and Las Vegas) with Robyn, I know she has a very unique writing style and approach to life. Having just come back from a two-year stint as an au pair in England, I'm curious to see where her spontaneity will take her next. Besides, perhaps, being the cause of me getting stupidly drunk again.

Odette est Paris: New to the blogging scene, I wanted to give a shout-out to my Tsawwassen homie Odette. She's now living in Paris as an au pair and just acquired a pretty great boyfriend, so I know she's gonna have lots of tales for us in the months to come. No pressure though, Odette ;)

So sue me!

I'm just gonna come out and say it:

I don't like babies.

I don't think they are cute (generally, there have been exceptions). They scare me. They are so soft-headed and fragile and snivly looking and cry all the time and I don't what to do with them. So I stay away.

Does this mean that I would love to drop-kick a baby into the street (like Dave Chappelle, lol)? NO. But it does mean that if I see a dog and see a baby, I will ignore the baby and go coo over to the dog.

Am I fucked up? Possibly. I also don't have any maternal instincts, or a very low variety of them anyway. I don't think having children is vital to a happy existence and I can't stand smug mother's who tell me, "Oh you must have children, it's the best thing ever." I know that their kids have made them happy but they shouldn't push their politics on others. I AM the one who decides what makes me happy.

I know a lot of people who don't know if they want kids, a lot of my friends who - like me - don't think babies are cute. To quote an articulate friend of mine, "It's ridiculous how women expect each other to share this universal maternal instinct. I find that new mothers get SO offended when I don't want to hold their babies, or I don't immediately comment on how beautiful he/she is. They all look like Ed Asner to me." I know people like my own mother is very supportive of my choice to NOT have kids (if, in the end, that is what I choose). Even though I am the love of her life, she herself does not think that children are necessary to a great life.

Anyway, I'm not set in my ways. I know that when I am married (or not) and 35, something might kick in and if it does, yay for me. But it's not my goal in life to have a child and I think I will be quite happy without them, if that's how things go.

That's just me. And I should be able to believe in that without being bombarded by angry women (so please, angry women, don't bombard me).

For example, a friend of sorts on Facebook just had a child. Weird-looking little thing (it's a newborn, they aren't cute to me, sorry) but there was one picture of the three of them that really was sweet. And the newborn was even looking at the camera - I don't even know if that's possible at that age. But it was and it was a lovely picture and the baby looked sweet.

So I commented: "I don't even like babies... but this is actually really cute. Yay family!"

And some friend of their that I DON'T EVEN KNOW comments after me: "What kind of a person doesnt like babies? Ummm anyways... GORGEOUS!!! SHe is just perfect!"

WHAT KIND OF PERSON? A person like me...oh, I guess that means a heartless, cruel, devil-worshipping cunt, right? Did they not even read my comment? I said that THIS baby was cute! That means a lot coming from someone who doesn't like babies, it's a huge compliment! Where does someone I don't even know, come off with saying stuff like that?

Listen up, you women out there. Just because some women happen to not think babies are cute and aren't going gaga over them, doesn't make them bad, heartless and uncaring people. It just means I don't like babies! I'm sure I would love my own and think it's the bomb, but other than that, sorry! It's just the way I am. And I think people should be allowed to be just the way they are without getting some snide, condescending comments from people who don't agree.

That's just my two cents.

Enough change already!

Well that didn't take long.

After being knee-deep in school for the last few days, I have discovered that I no longer need change...my life is changing rapidly already.

School though is awesome, though walking through the city streets at 830AM on a Sunday morning is a bit surreal I find, as is going to bed at 10 on a Saturday night. But I'll get used to it. And I would mind it if the classes weren't so darn interesting.

Not only am I learning new stuff - I thought it would all be a rehash of what I already knew of the film industry since I've been to screenwriting school, however the business and creative sides are different - and I am finding it to be delightful. It's also inspiring me to dust off my screenplays and start writing again, which is just awesome. So much use of the word awesome, but I don't care - you know what else is awesome? Having actual producers as teachers, I've got my foot in the door already.

One thing though that I can tell you already, is I am probably not cut out to be a production manager (which is one of the avenues you can take after you graduate). I thought managing an office was hard...try a million dollar production! In fact, go rent or youtube the documentary Wrath of the Gods. It will give you a keen idea how hard it is to get a film off the ground and how its even harder sometimes to keep it going. It's truly amazing, watch it!

Anyway, I am still holding true to my not wanting to party with the same old, same old anymore, which I think will be fine since I am branching out to some people I haven;t seen in awhile. A change of facial scenery will be so welcome.

Even today I went out for lunch with the girl I had previously talked about (the one with the bf problems). Anyway, he ended it with her for good over the weekend. I felt so bad for her, because I had so been there...she wanted to keep fighting for the relationship and he just gave up (just as it was with my ex and I). Funny thing was, the day before he broke up with her he told her he planned on asking her to marry him come the summer. And then broke up with her the next day. Why do guys do that? My Ex also said that he wanted to marry me "some day" and all that, then three weeks later dumped with in the same "I dont love you anymore" way. Yet was adamant that he meant what he said three weeks ago. Sometimes, I just think guys are idiots.

Regardless though, it was a difficult lunch because she was still blindly optimistic that they will be back together soon and I really had to bite my tongue from telling her the truth - that he already HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND! Yup, I was sworn by my bf to not tell, but her ex already is going out with that co-worker that she had caught him flirting/emotionally cheating with. I really wanted to tell her because I know it would be a huge blow when she does find out but...my priority is my bf and I promised him I would not tell. And honestly, it is none of my business. So I did the best I could and tried to keep her realistic, ("maybe you'll get back together one day, you know, after you see a few people"..."It's too soon to think about that"..."yeah, you would think"...I didn;t say that last part) without revealing too much. Oh well, break-ups are no doubt hard and it's gonna suck for awhile for her regardless of what happens.

And then Heath Ledger died today, which has left me in utter shock. I don't even particularly like the actor but it still almost made me cry. So sad when that happens, I hate to think of how his ex Michelle Williams must feel and his poor daughter Matilda. While at this point they dont know if it's overdose or suicide...what a way to go, over-the-counter sleeping pills. I had no idea Heath was one of "those" actors, but I guess we all have our demons. I wonder if playing the Joker really got to him, or perhaps he never recovered from the split with Michelle. Such a shame, and Brad Renfro too having just died last week. As my boyfriend just texted me, it's been a weird year so far.

Also we saw the movie Cloverfield last night, which I have been wanting to see ever since I saw the trailer before Transformers. It was really nice since my class last night was cancelled and the Rockstar and I got to spend some quality time together. But before you see this movie, don't drink a lot of wine - it's very Blair Witchy and may make you feel sick. But other than that, I thought it was awesome. I liked that it didn't answer everything (even though I wanna know more!) and that they showed the monster. It was short, intense and effective. Not the best film ever but I thought it was worth seeing. Your thoughts?

Anyhoo, I've got my film marketing class tonight which should be interesting. Sure there will be lots of Heath Ledger talk (can I say that The Dark Knight has such an awesome marketing campaign?). Stay tuned for my next blog post about three horrible events that happened to me last year and how they all worked out for the best in the end. Perfect if you're feeling a little uncertain at this time in your life.

Can you spare some Change?

Maybe it's January, which is usually the longest, dreariest month (to me, anyway). Maybe it's the start of a new year (2008...2008! Think about it! That's C.R.A.Z.Y!).
Maybe I am in the midst of winter blahs (I seem to have forgotten about Palm Springs last month and Disneyland last week. I went somewhere?)

But I NEED CHANGE!

The silly, silly, silly part though is that I am at the start of a HUGE change to my life.

You guessed it, school.

Only it's still too early for me to grasp that A) I am back in school again B) this is seriously going to throw my life out of whack for the next few months. So until I understand that, I feel like I need to do something different with my life.

I'm reading people's blogs (and writing in this one, have you noticed???) and getting wanderlusty all over again. I want to travel. I want to spend the January blues in Paris. I wanna go to Egypt. I wanna, wanna, wanna, GO! AND I JUST GOT BACK FROM SOMEWHERE. And I am going to Hawaii next month. I mean, what gives?

Mainly though, I am just bored. BORED! Bored of doing nothing all day except yoga (actually I haven't done any exercise this month at all due to travel and sickness). And I know that will change. Today and everyday after that as school digs in. And, I'm told, it will DIG in.

Oh and I am really, really bored of the people I hang out with.

A lot of my GOOD friends are kind of dispersed around the place. One is in Montreal and another one just left for there. One came back from England but she doesn't exactly live next door to me. Another is in ButtFuckNowhere, Alberta on an Oil Field. Josh just moved back to New Zealand (as Kass did awhile ago, YOU DAMN KIWIS!). I don't feel lonely or alone but I feel bored with the people that surround me at the moment.

You see, a lot of them...most of them, are from Tsawwassen, my hometown. And that gets annoying after awhile, I have to admit. A lot are my bf's friends who are now my friends. Now, those people, his GUYS, I actually really like and I like their girlfriends a lot too but we don't see them all that often these days, which is too bad.

Whom we do see is his band. Now, I like his bandmembers and they all like me. They know I'm good for a Jaegerbomb or two and can shoot the shit with them. When we are all together, it's a messy, fun time. But recently, they seem to have acquired some groupies. Yes, some new girls have been hanging around the new bassist a lot...and of course, since half the band is from Tsawwassen, there is again, a lot of Tsawwassen people who are ALWAYS around.

The same old group of people who were born in 1985, whom have this whole "I'm gonna be as weird and as random as possible because it makes me cool" kinda thing going on. Who are on coke most of the time and just generally annoy the hell out of you. I never really realized how annoying these people were, the girls especially since they all hate me for unknown reasons (see previous post's guess because I have "blonde hair" and they are the dark haired, emo saracastic rock chicks).

I guess what I am trying to say is...I need a new crowd. Or I need to at least try and hang out more with the other crowd, the people I ACTUALLY like, instead of always ending up at these places where these fucktards will always be. Aside from my bf's concert on the 8th, I'm gonna do my darndest to just stay home, or hang out with someone else in order to not associate with these people anymore.

Thankfully, in a way, my school does go on weekends, 845AM-330 on Sat and 845-5PM on Sun, so my wild weekends are now officially dunzo.

Which brings up another part of my life that's going to change. Boyfriend time! For example, usually I will see him on Friday night after his rehearsal and then we'll spend a nice, languid weekend together that consists of sleeping in, food, movie and lots and lots of sex. Now, if he stays over on a weekend night, I'll have to leave him in the early morning hours (thankfully he has my spare keys so he can let himself out later), which is so lame because morning sex is the best part of weekends! And if he wants to go to Tsawwassen for the night, I can't come because I have to stay in the city for school. I'm even gonna miss Sunday dinner's at his parent's house because my school goes for so late. WHAAAA!

I know it's not the end of the world, and as he said, we will make it work as we always do. It's just going to be a change...maybe a good one, since abscence makes the heart grow fonder and all but honestly...I don't WANT to grow any fonder of the guy, I'm so over-the-top in love as it is. But we'll have to make do, make what time we can for each other (and he is good at that and I so love him for making me a priority in his busy life) and know that this will all be over in April. I'll come out the other end as a production manager/story development/distributor/whatever the hell and jump right into the joys of morning sex again!!!

Back to school...back to school...

To prove to Dad I'm not a fool...I've got my lunch, my shoes tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight....Back to school, back to school....



In a couple hours I begin my first class of the school year and I must say I am very excited. A bit nervous, since I haven't been to school in awhile now, but because it's film and all that jazz, I know I'm gonna enjoy learning more about what I love. Plus my ex boyfriend is in my class, so that should be interesting (it's OK, it's the Ex I still talk to, the one in which things ended amicably way back in Grade 11).

Luckily, my virus/bacterial infection is starting to subside so I at least feel I'll be able to handle the orientation. And what's really sweet is that the government has agreed to extend my EI payments while I'm at school. Yup, they are PAYING my living expenses and I never have to pay them back! Why? Because I made a damn good argument why this program WILL get me an awesome job in my DREAM FIELD and also brought up the whole reason that I shouldn't have been fired from my old job in the first place.

Speaking of, I talked to an ex-collegue of mine and it turns out that after I was fired, a lot of people were let go too. Plus, many moved on to other jobs and their positions were never refilled. Seems like the company might be going under which is AWESOME since they never had any idea what they were doing and just wasted money left and right, not to mention they were all a bunch of egotistical assholes. Serves them right, you know.

And what's pretty awesome is, hey, it took awhile, but I finally can say I AM GLAD I WAS FIRED! It enabled me to take some time off, get in the best shape of my life, lose weight (now 12 pounds in total), go to school for something I am good at and have always been interested in AND the government is paying for me to live. Funny how things work out, eh? Just need some patience, faith and time.

In regards to that though, a friend of mine is having relationship problems.

She and her bf have been together for about two years. I know them through my bf and though I don't know them WELL, I do know they are very different people. He is a huge flirt and she puts up with it (better than I would anyway). So, one day she snoops on his Facebook (yes, that was wrong, so obviously there is no trust) and she finds what she didn't want to. Messages between him and his hot collegue regarding the recent work party. They went along the lines of HIM: I so wanted to kiss you last night when we were dancing HOT WORKER: I know me, such a shame we can't, HIM: I know, I just wish...I shouldn't say such things but you looked so hot

And etc.

So naturally she was livid and depressed and in a hard place. Should she tell him she snooped? I suggested no but she did anyway and he wasn't mad that she snooped and just felt really bad.

So things went back to normal.

I'm sorry...but...WHAT? If that was me and I found that, sorry, I know that he didn't CHEAT but he wanted to and emotional cheating is just as bad. Things would not go back to normal. Things would be over, that's how I roll anyway.

But I guess it didn't go back to normal because two weeks ago they broke up. And then got back together again. From his side he feels like he can't act like himself around her because she is so clingy and needy and he just wants to act like the crazy big flirt that he is. He also told her he's not "in love with her" anymore.

Yet, she's still blindly optimistic about them getting through this and getting back together. Last night she asked my bf and I what we thought about the whole thing. She thought that maybe they just needed a break.

Well, I don't know. A break can help but when someone is not in love with you anymore...why would you want to make that work? That's what my Ex said to me and there is nothing you can do to change that except aceppt it.

But she is in denial and just thinks that they will get back together. After all, he should be so lucky because she was really good to him.

Now here is the thing. First of all, I can't work with people who are in denial.

I HAD a friend L whose redneck, sleazy boyfriend J, dumped her at the same time my ex dumped me. Now, I was upset and grieving and she wasn't. In fact, she said she didn't want to "deal" with me until I was no longer upset, hence why she's not my friend anymore. She was just so blindly optimistic that her loser bf would want her back that she didn't feel ANY of her breakup and instead couldn't understand why I was so upset that my bf had dumped me ("people are starving in Africa and you think the whole world ended because you got dumped, get over it!").

Well she had a point. She did set me straight but it made me realize a few things about our "friendship" and how I suppose it really was as shallow as she was. And yes, her bf did want her back eventually and she happily accepted. Good for them...though she never knew that while they were broken up, he kept secretly texting me to get drunk with him and such...I even kept the texts in case I needed it as proof some day, don't ask me why.

Anyway, the point is when you can't admit that your relationship is over, you can't move on and you can't begin the healing process. Which is why I'm not sure what to say to my friend. Do I just agree with her?

Also, I have no doubts she was "good to him." She was probably an awesome gf, as I was an awesome gf. I was so good to my Ex, the only problems I had were that I never felt he truly loved me (and he didn't) and that's why I got insecure and clingy and he pulled away even more. But I was the best gf you could want, believe me. Think of all the desired traits you want a gf to have and I had them in spades. But being the best girlfriend/boyfriend you can be does NOT guarantee you won't get dumped. It won't guarantee the other person won't stop loving you. It doesn't guarantee anything except other guys to go, "what were you thinking dude?" and even that doesn't change anything.

As my awesome bf said to me last night, "Just because you are good TO someone, it doesn't mean you are good FOR them."

And that is so true. My friend is insecure and her "bf" needs a girl who is VERY sure of herself in order to put up with his flirting. I am insecure too but my boyfriend ALWAYS makes me feel loved and wanted and thought of and everything and I NEVER act clingy or feel like I did in my last relationship because he is good to me AND for me.

It's just goes to show. No matter how hard you try at making something work, or try being the best partner you can be, it still comes down to two people being truly compatible. And a little bit of luck.

BY THE WAY

I just got back from DISNEYLAND, last week (day my dog died, actually), and I made a super post about getting the most out of your Disneyland trip on my other blog so go read it NOW!!!!

Life goes on

First of all, thank you SO much everyone for your well-wishes. I emailed them to my parents so they would know that people are thinking of them and they appreciate it very much.

Second of all, the police report came in today. The woman IS AT FAULT, huzzah! She was 83 years old and the fact that it was dark out had no bearing on her. According to her, this is why she drove off, "I felt a bump and then just heard a dog crying."

So she kept driving. She hits a dog (and a person) and keeps driving, knowing that some animal is lying on the side of the road in pain. BITCH IS GOING TO HELL!

What is it with snotty old Palm Springs old people. Did you know that before the ambulance had arrived, the nice man who ran after the car was joined by a miserable old man who lived nearby. This man stood over my mom who is lying on the ground crying and over my dog who is also crying on the ground, blood pouring out of her and says, "That's what you get for walking in the dark."

WTF? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE! Damn, I pray he goes to HELL too, it was probably his nasty wife that was driving the car.

Anyhoo, I'm sure he'll get what's coming to him and I know the old bitch will too since my parents have a very good lawyer whom they are calling up this minute. We are going after that heartless old wench for whatever she is worth and at least making sure she NEVER drives again.

Meanwhile, I've been OK. I guess. No that's a lie. I have been VERY sick for the last week, the most vile flu I have had in many years. Freezing even though my apartment is at 90 degrees, coughing up bloody matter, eyes leaking yellow fluid, no energy to talk or move, not eating anything, being on constant cold medication.

I felt better today even though my forehead hurts to touch, so I went to my doctor who said it's a flu coupled with a sinus infection, so hopefully the anibiotics will help. But apparently, having been out of the public eye for a week has hindered my coping skills with the outside world.

After I bought my pills at the drugstore, I came out to see a parking attendant giving my car a ticket. Now I just paid for parking but apparently put in the wrong stall number. I am pretty much stoned on cold pills all the time so that easily happened. Anyhoo, I showed the guy that I did pay, just the wrong stall and he was STILL going to give me a ticket.

So. I. Lost. It.

I started screaming, "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, I FUCKING PAID FOR A FUCKING STALL blah blah blah" coupled with bursts of coughing and crying my eyes out. All at ten this morning in the drugstore parking lot. I am never one to draw attention to myself or stand up for myself or cause a scene or complain but I just lost it. Luckily, the guy knew better than to keep me going and he ripped up the ticket.

Then I got home and found out that I only recieved 1000 of the 4000 I was promised by the Student Loan people for my school which starts on Thursday. I started freaking right out again, screaming and crying and trashing my apartment and just losing it. My mind was so full of sickness that I couldnt even think properly, I couldnt even remember where I had put the original form, where anything was, couldn't remember phone numbers. I went MENTAL.

Thankfully I calmed down enough that I figured it all out (the Provincial government is only giving me 1000, the rest I get from Federal and they were slow in mailing out my agreement which is why I dont have that money yet).

Man, I can't wait till flu season is over because when I get sick, I get REALLY sick.


PS, In Canada we have Buckley's Cough Syrup. Now, on the commercials it's usually a bunch of people having the syrup and their grossed-out reactions afterwards. The tagline: "It tastes awful and it works." I had always wondered about it because in my opinion all cough syrup tastes awful, so how bad could it be? So the other day, my wonderful bf brought me some and I was excited to try it.

Let me say, yes it actually does work like a charm. And does it taste awful?

It was the most vile thing I have ever had. Imagine a spoonful of warm semen, mixed with maybe a bit more salt and a scoop of Vicks Vapour Rub. Imagine swallowing that.

They should mention that on their commercial.

Remembering Ellie 1993-2008

So it seems like my year hasn't really gotten off to a great start. I was hoping things couldn't get any worse after my all night pukefest on NYE but I was wrong.

I was just informed that three horrible things happened yesterday. Not to mention I have the world's worst flu and can't move without coughing up a lung.

One is that my grandpa died. Make Hanstrom is not my biological grandpa, he died when my mom was quite young. But her mother later remarried Make, a kind, smart and gentle man who had lost a leg in the war. Now I never knew my grandparents very well, my mother and her mother have a difficult relationship (due to my grandma abandoning her when she was a baby), and I never knew my grandpa on my dad's side as he was dead too...plus everyone lives in Norway and Finland and may or may/not speak English well. But Make to me was as much as a grandfather as possible considering and I am deeply saddened to hear that he passed away in his sleep yesterday. He had stomach cancer and we all knew he was dying with only months to live but still...my thoughts and prayers go out to my mom's family in Finland.

On a closer note (to me), my dog is dead.

She also died yesterday.

My parents and my dog Ellie, as you know, have been in Palm Springs. My mother and Ellie went for a walk last night. In a quiet street next door to the condo they are staying at, they decided to cross the road at some bushes. Coming out of the bushes and on to the road, my mom notices a car coming towards them. It is quiet far off and my mom is clearly visible so she just assumes the car will slow down or brake or whatever. Regardless, my mom slows down, just in case.

But the car doesn't. It keeps coming, keeping its speed and doesn't slow down. In fact, it actually starts to turn towards my mother and my dog. My mother recalls thinking it felt like she was in some movie where someone is deliberitley trying to kill her and then remembers thinking she is going to die.

Meanwhile, my dog normally walks quickly ahead (on the leash, of course) of my mother but at this moment, she decided to stay beside my mom, between her and the car. Now my dog is partially blind and deaf so there is no way she would have really known a car is coming (believe me, she had become quite ignorant in her older years) but regardless, my dog stayed where she was. And was hit.

The car hit my dog first and she went flying to the side of the road. The car then hit my mom, but most of the impact had already been done to Ellie.

The car then took off, kept driving, leaving my mother and my dog lying on the pavement. My dog was crying from the pain and my mother was screaming for help. Being Palm Springs, a lot of people looked from their windows but couldn't be bothered. But a man from her complex came out and my mom screamed for him to run down the road after the car. He did and caught up to the car.

Soon the ambulance and fire trucks came and looked at my mom but all my mom could think about was Ellie. They told her, even though she seemed fine, she should probably go to the hospital but my mom told them, "Your hospitals are so expensive in the States, I'd rather spend the money on my dog."

They all did the best they could. Ellie had stopped whimpering and was still breathing, and she was still able to smell and lick my moms hand. The firemen gave Ellie oxygen too, in a little mask. Then my dad came out (someone had run to get him) and they both cuddled and held Ellie for as long as they could.

Finally, someone from the emergency vet team came out and strapped Ellie to a little gurney and took her into their ambulance. My mother said at this point that everyone was crying, the firemen, the ambulance drivers, the onlookers. It didn't look good for my little dog.

At the vets, they put my dog into an incubator to keep her warm. She was still alive but not really aware of her surroundings. The vet said they could do whatever my parents wanted to keep her alive but in the end, she was probably bleeding internally and she wouldn't be the same, even if it worked. My parents told them to put Ellie down, so at least she wouldn't be in any pain.

I guess the bright side of this story is that Ellie was an old dog, who we expected to go quite awhile ago. But in Palm Springs, she seemed to take on a new life. She was happy and energetic, running everywhere, being so happy. The dry air seemed to breathe new life into her and even I was surprised at how healthy she seemed when I went to visit a few weeks ago. Sure she couldn't really see or hear very well but she still loved you anyway.

But she was 15 years old and the vet said that she would have probably gone this year at any rate. I just wish she hadn't been taken by some woman in a car who can't fucking drive. But at least she got to be a hero, saving my mom from death or paralysis, letting my mother know how much she loved her life as their dog and how she would have done anything for them.

And she did.


Addendum: We will know in a few days what the police report on the driver of the car will say and I hope to God that justice is served here. Maybe the driver was drunk, or on a cellphone or blind as a bat or mental, but either way, there is no excuse for not slowing down when someones is crossing the road, and definitely no excuse to steering your car in a persons direction.

As for my parents, this is gonna be so hard on them and I only wish I was down there with them. You have no idea how much my parents loved that dog, how much I loved her and how much everyone who ever met Ellie loved her. They are going to pick up the ashes in a few weeks and when they get back her, scatter them in Boundary Bay where we would always walk her.


I decided to add something extra, part of a lovely email my mother just sent (I am very suprised she even sent one since she is the world's slowest typer and extremely computer illiterate. Please excuse the grammar - she is from Finland after all).


"The other night my little dog and i went for our usual evening walk on E Palm canyon drive . As we crossed Deepwell side street ,which was minimally lighted, i saw a car in the distant turning into it .My dog was on a leash and i felt i had plenty of time to get to the meridian section of the street before it was close to us . To my shock and horror the car turned to us and kept coming , more we walked away more it turned and kept coming . I stared at the lights and waved my arm and yelled but it did not stop . I was doomed but my little dog stepped beside me to spare me from the impact and she and i went flying to the payment screaming in pain.The car stopped briefly but then took off. I yelled for some one to help us but for the longest time nobody came .I thought only in America, people are afraid to get involved. Finally a man came out of the Biltmore bldg and i shouted at him to get the licence # of the car that had now stopped at the gate to Deepwell complex. The gentleman also called the paramedics who administered oxygen to Ellie who was still breathing . I cried and cried telling Ellie how much i loved her and begged her not to die but she was in bad shape . As i sat there beside my pet I asked a female paramedic ,why is there so little lighting in Palm Springs ? She told me people voted agaist more lights for they wanted to be able to see the stars.

I looked up in the sky and i did not see any .The only stars I saw when my head hit the payment. Soon i will be driving home with Ellies ashes in a box and with a very heavy heart and Ii will be thinking of all those pet owners walking their dogs in the dangerously dark Palm Springs. Sorry Thomas Edison. PS I like to thank paramedics and Mr.Nickerson from animal control for being kind to Ellie in her last moments." Tuuli Halle

A NYE to remember...

Happy New Year everyone! Hope that yours was fabulously fun and/or messy. Mine was...well, it was NOT at all what I expected and totally the kind of thing that would only happen to me. Thankfully, I learned something pretty important during the process.

As you can see from the picture above, and below, I did wear my dress that night. I picked it up from the alterations place in Palm Springs just before I left last Thursday and thankfully the woman did a great job of taking it in.


Then I decided to add my own touch by means of red ribboned shoes and a touch of it at my waist, to accent my weight loss. Which, BTW, is now ten pounds! Woot! I haven't been 128 for some time, and while people say I look good, they aren't putting their finger on the weight loss, but you know that's quite fine. I feel better about myself, I have more confidence and that's what matters. Oh and I'm quite proud I did it the healthy way.



Anyhoo, so everything was going to plan. I was going to look great, feel great and party hard at my boyfriend's party. In fact, I felt so good on the morning of December 31st that I didn't even care anymore if bitchy girl was gonna be there. I just wanted to ring in the New Year (and our six-month anniversary) with the man I loved.

Of course, it didn't help that I woke up at 830 AM that morning, even though I was looking forward to sleeping in all day. So I guess I was a little bit tired, plus I had these remnants of a cold/flu that I had picked up in Palm Springs. But I still felt good enough to start getting ready and clean up my apartment.

Then at 330PM, disaster struck. For no apparent reason, I suddenly felt very nauseous, very dizzy, my head was pounding and I felt feverish. I also had the sudden urge to start crying and/or screaming.

Before you go ahead and say it's PMS, let me just say I wish it was as simple as that. But you see, my period just ended - or should I say, it SHOULD have ended. I actually missed my period last week for the first time ever, and yes that would be cause for paranioa and alarm, but I just didn't think pregnancy was on the cards. I blamed the missed period on my sudden weight loss and hardcore excercising, plus I'm on a new pill, yadda yadda.

BUT because I had missed my period, I started to think that maybe this was all signs I was pregnant. So that didn't help my suddenly extremely emotional state. Regardless though, I made sure to eat more (in case I hadn't eaten enough that day) and devoured a bag of popcorn (carbs) and a can of tuna (protein) then I drank oodles of water. Then I had a very short nap, woke up feeling a bit woozy but OK, but then 10 minutes later I was back to wanting to puke, wanting to cry, wanting to die.

How could this happen to me on NYE of all times? Half of me wanted to just not go out and go to sleep but I knew I would regret it (or so I thought) and I know my bf would be devestated if I weren't there at his party. So I sucked it up, picked up a friend of mine and we raced to the liqour store. We decided to have a mickey of vodka, champagne and alize (don't worry, in the end, I didn't even open the bottle of vodka).

When we arrived at my bfs place, we were early as we knew we would be so we slowly started drinking. I had champagne with some alize in it but KNOWING how sick I still felt, I decided to pace myself and drink a bottle of water in between each glass. Then I made sure to feast on the delicious cookies my friend had made. I was being sensible.


And I have to admit, I started to feel better. All in all, I finished the bottle of champagne (as well as some of the alize and a glass of red wine) over the course of 4or 5 hours, as well as drinking water too. Now, it normally takes shots or a huge shit mix, or drinking quickly or not eating to get me really drunk. So I was a bit surpised when I found myself suddenly feeling quite wasted (and crying, over nothing really, as emotional as I was). And then came the puking.

It kicked in at about 1AM or a bit after.

I found myself in my bf's bathroom (his toilet is in a seperate room, thank God, I didn't want to hog that), sprawled on the floor and bent over the bathtub.

And I puked and I puked and I puked.

FOR THREE HOURS!

And the most AMAZING thing ever is that my wonderful, beautiful boyfriend stayed with me the ENTIRE time. He held back my hair, cleaned up my puke and missed the last half of his own damn party, just to stay with me and make sure I was OK.

When we finally emerged at 430AM, I felt like shit. Not because I had emptied my guts out for hours on end, but because I ruined my boyfriend's night. I feel so badly, even now, that he is THAT good to me. I've had so many people telling me what a great man he is and the thing is I KNEW THAT BEFORE. I didn't think he could get any better, any lovelier but then he goes and does that.

I'm sorry, but "love" to me isn't shown by a guy who writes you sweet poems but never acts upon them, a guy who will buy you presents and take you out for dinner all the time yet leave you with a sense of not knowing how he feels. Love is not some beefy, model dude that all the girls drool over. Love is not having a man with a high paying, amazing job.

Love is having a man who misses his own party to spend the night with you, holding back your hair and cleaning up your vomit. A man who sees you at your absolute WORST and still tells you how much he loves you. That, my friends, is what love is and on NYE (and our six month anniversary) I discovered how much my Rockstar really loves me and that he's definitely the man I want to marry. Plain and simple.

Of course, I still don't really know what is wrong with me. I was toying between pregnancy or food poisoning and I'm leaning towards the latter. I took a pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative but I know they can be wrong so I am going to go to the doctor as well. But I still don't feel 100%, I still feel a bit nauseous. I have no idea how long it takes for food poisoning to hit, it could have been this chicken cacciatore frozen meal I had had earlier that day, or prawns from a few nights before. I don't know, really. All I know is that there was something wrong. I rarely EVER puke from drinking, and it's always self-induced the next morning. It doesn't come suddenly, for three hours, over a bottle of champagne. Plus, I felt like shit before I started drinking too.

All in all though, it was a night to remember (though I'm trying not to, lol) and hell, 2008 can only get better from here on in!!!!